Friday, June 3, 2011

Where have you been all this time?

So my husband has started blogging about something other than sports. His blog is his take on our son and his Autism, and general every day life.His Yin to my Yang if you will.  He is an amazing writer and has published several books (go buy one!)  Until very recently he has been mostly shoulder to cry on and a supportive husband and dad in our journey with Noah and Autism. I am the researcher, I am the activist, I get out there and find answers and network with people and then relay the info to him. 

But in the last couple of weeks he has been voicing a lot of opinions and some very deep insights about our son that leaves me wondering- where has all of this been for the last 5 years? He is the"fixer" in the family. He goes out of his way to make problems go away. He doesn't like to see us sad, or unhappy and so he adopts a let's move forward attitude and that is what he does. Moves forward. Sometimes I move with him- but lots of times- most especially with our boy- I am stuck. Or- if not stuck- moving forward scant inches at a time, only to be yanked backwards a thousand yards. Don't get me wrong, Noah has made amazing progress since first being diagnosed with Autism. A lot of the problems we had just a couple of years ago have all but disappeared, but we are always facing new challenges.

I can't understand from a dad's point of view what it is like to hear your SON is not going to be the son you had thought you would have. Especially with a sports nut  like my husband- his dreams of having his boys play baseball or football are getting crushed. The oldest had absolutely no interest and if it is not an electronically generated past time Noah pretty much doesn't want anything to do with it. But he keeps his positive attitude and sits quietly by letting me do my thing, encouraging me but staying on the fringes.

Then all of a sudden- BAM! He starts writing this blog and I am stunned, even brought to tears by his words. Has he felt this way all along? Is this a new development? Why hasn't he talked about this before with me? All of the times I rambled on and on about this treatment, that school, trying to explain to him why you HAVE to teach Noah this or that way because that is how he learns, why in the hell didn't he pipe up with some of these amazing insights? He sees things in Noah that I don't. His positive spin amazes me, because I am positive but in a very guarded way because I don't want to feel disappointed in our boy's progress and abilities- and I DO NOT  want our boy thinking he is not good enough. Because he is BETTER than good enough. He is sublimely awesome. 

But he has given me a lot to think about, and a lot to look for in Noah. Maybe I shelter him too much, maybe I do too much for him, maybe I am not allowing him to reach potential milestones because I am afraid he will stumble or fall and no mother wants to see that happen to their child, Autistic or not.

So now, with all of my contacts in the Autistic community, all of my research and all of my education, the one person who is the closest to me is finally piping up. We have differing views of course on the future with Noah- like I said I am cautiously optimistic while he is Pollyanna optimistic but working together like this will be the absolute greatest thing in the world for Noah, and that is what matters.