Friday, June 3, 2011

Hey Jealousy...

So I started this blog stuff  going on a year ago now. I had no idea what I was doing- I was just reading my friend Nikki's blog (OMG- READ IT  Moms who Drink and Swear it will change your LIFE!!)  Wait- where was I? Oh- so I was reading her blog and it made me snort laugh, it made me think, it made me cry- it was amazing. I could do this I thought to myself. I mean- a blog is basically an online diary that you let the world read, right? Worst case scenario #1 your life is as boring as watching paint dry. Worst case scenario #2- you are so interesting you gain creepy stalkers that force you to get a new identity.  Best case scenario- you are funny and witty and down to earth  and have a good angle and you gain readers, and friends. Hopefully you get a much needed cathartic outlet and maybe  help some others on the way.

So my angle is Autism.I live with Autism, I figure I am damn near an expert (in my life anyway) and I have a lot to say. I have gotten so many emails and comments about my blog. People telling me their story with Autism, people asking me questions, giving me advice, laughing and crying with me- the networking has been fantastic.  While I know I am not alone out there ( 1 in 90- not even close) through my blog I have heard some stories that are so close to mine it blows me away.  I have also got some wonderful advice from parents who have dealt with or are dealing with some of the challenges we are- and for that I am so very very grateful.
I have been a wannabe writer most of my life. From short stories to poems, a few things published here and there, I think I am pretty good at getting thoughts put down on paper that make sense and make others want to read them. I have been in the process of writing a children's book for...well...let's just say awhile now. I have a pretty original idea, my oldest son said he will illustrate it for me and the children's book market seems easy enough to break into. I mean if Jenna Bush and Terrell Owens can do it- I can too! But for now I am happy with my tiny little piece of the blogosphere.

My husband is a published writer- 3 books plus numerous short stories and a screenplay. He has been blogging as well for awhile now- mostly sports related- he is The Struggling Sports Reporter and loves to torture himself writing about the Detroit Lions.  To distract other misbegotten Lions Fans, he posts pictures of hot cheerleaders too.

He recently started a new blog- Dad vs. Autism- his view on our son's autism and the effect on our lives. It is VERY good.  He is an amazing writer- and yes I am slightly prejudice- but that notwithstanding- he is very good. He is funny, smart, witty, and gives a perspective  of a special needs DAD- which is just wonderful.  You hear so much from the mom- usually about all things to do with child rearing but throw a special needs (of any kind) child in and it's pretty much the mom's you hear from and about. 

He sees things in a drastically different light than I do. He is a perpetual "the glass is half full" kind of guy, whereas I am  " the fucking glass is broken"  kind of gal. So when I first began reading his blog- I was wonderfully surprised at his perspective- I wrote about it- Where have you been? and while I still feel the same- now I am starting to think that I will be taking a back seat to his obviously superior writing...again.  Please- don't misunderstand-  I am proud to be the wife of such a talented guy- I am excited and proud of his blog. But this was MY thing. He was the sports guy- and while I passed him around like the slutty girl at school with his Struggling Sports Reporter blog,that was a specific niche- his blog now is for ANYONE. And he has gained a hell of a following.

The green eyed monster has reared it's ugly head- all of the people that were reading my blog now can't get enough of his. This IS a great thing- but I was happy to have something that he was a part of- but it was still all about me. And I am an attention whore. I LOVE it! I like being on stage,the center of attention all of that shit.  I like to think that I am gracious and not a insufferable bitch about it too...and if that is not true- just please don't tell me, m'kay?  

And just the simple fact that I KNOW I am jealous makes me feel like an asshole. I don't have all day in front of a computer to write about everything I would like to. I wrangle 3.5 year olds all day and spend 1.5 to 2 hours on the road and then come home to be wife, mom, maid, 3rd and 8th grade teacher, laundress, and referee. When I CAN get on the computer I am so tired I can't think. Blogging? Shit. I am lucky to be able to drag my ass to bed.  His readership is climbing, his blogs are getting even better and while I am still bursting with pride and my heart is so happy when I see him light up like Christmas when he gets a ton of hits- that nasty jealousy bug continues to buzz in my ear.

He keeps saying it's not a competition- and I know that- but I still feel overshadowed by what I perceive as his superior writing. I read a TON of blogs now- and I know that I am in no way a Pulitzer winning writer- but it doesn't bother me. I guess this close to home it's different.   I will make an effort to get out there more- try to write at least once a week- and hopefully I can stay interesting. In the mean time- I will pimp my mister out- because he is awesome. And I want everyone to know he belongs to me.