Thursday, December 13, 2012

Do NOT compare my child to your dog. EVER.


As the  parent of three actual humans, I get annoyed with people that call themselves a “pet parent.” The only parents a pet has are those of the same species that had sex in a river, up in a tree, or in some dark alley after sniffing each other’s butts. Period.As a human, you are their owner. Their caretaker. Their trainer. Their master. BUT YOU. ARE NOT. THEIR PARENT!

This is NOT a hairy baby. This.is.a.DOG.

Now I know a lot of people feel differently, and I’ll openly admit that I’m not a pet, more specifically a "dog person”  I like other people's pets. I play with my mother in law's giant slobbery Boxer who weighs about 100 lbs. and thinks he's a lap dog. He is sweet, but I wouldn't want to own him.  I also like my good friend's two pit bulls- sweet funny dogs who I like to give ice cubes because they love them so much!

If you like pets, if you LOVE pets, that’s great –they’re good for companionship, and I am a big fan of service dogs. I have a kitty, and I love him very much.So do my kids. So go ahead, love your pet! Dress your pet in goofy looking Christmas sweaters. Put galoshes on them in the rain. Feed them with a special spoon. Don’t get me wrong. There’s no denying that as living, breathing creatures, they’re part of the family – the family pet. They should be loved, taken care of an not mistreated or abused. But do not EVER compare your ANIMAL to my CHILDREN. That shit won't fly.

Sure, pets are like children in some ways. They make messes and don’t clean up after themselves. They’re active. They like lots of attention. They make me swear at least once a day. But the similarities end there and the differences are what makes having pets absolutely nothing like raising children. I don't pop my kids on the nose (or anywhere else for that matter) with a newspaper,(or my hand or ANYTHING)  nor do I leave them in a crate while I go to work. I do not have to go to doggy school and advocate for their right to an education. But I DO do that with The Boy. I DO have to console Teenzilla when a boy has hurt her, or a so called best friend is being not such a good friend.  I do have to be a MOM and all it entails to my very human children. 
I live next to TWO of these



I know what I will do! Devise a plan to get rid of those dogs!
I have very inconsiderate neighbors with two extremely irritating yappy dogs. They bark and bark and bark and bark at all hours of the night, super early on the weekends - at the fucking  wind blowing. They are also very BITEY. Came into MY YARD and tried to bite The Boy. In his own yard!!  They disturb not just my sleep but The Boy's and Teenzilla's AND The Mister's. And let me tell you, disturbing a kiddo on the spectrum's sleep- ON A SCHOOL DAY- that pisses me off no end.  For two YEARS I have been dealing with these useless barking fuckers. TWO YEARS! I have tried to befriend them, I have tried giving them treats- and they just bark. Yes- their owners are inconsiderate jerks. Yes they are "just dogs" but after speaking with them, talking to Animal Control (which seemed to work for a couple of months- barking bastards had shock collars on- blessed quiet!) I have had it! I will be IN MY HOUSE- and they can see me in the kitchen window and they will bark. Forget outdoor activities in the summer- they ruin it.  I wish they would run away.I have said I will buy a BB gun and shoot the little fucks when they bark. I have wished terrible things on them (and the human owners as well) ESPECIALLY when I am awoken at 1:00 A.M and again at 6:00 A.M. on a Sunday. But do I act on these things? Of course not. Do I sit and dwell on this shit, improvising elaborate methods to ensure the dog's demise?  No. I do have a life.  That doesn't stop me from disliking the neighbors and their complete lack of consideration, nor does it make me like those stupid dogs. 


THIS is a child. MY child.
Someone recently on Facebook actually said I needed counseling  and wonder if I throw my kids out when they irritate me- oh DAMN. That is the FASTEST way to piss me off.  DO NOT EVER EVER EVER COMPARE MY CHILDREN TO YOUR PETS! EVER!!!

The plain and simple truth is dogs grow up to be dogs. Love them, buy them toys, treats, take them on walks, they are going to love you. And when he grows up he’s still going to be a dog.  As a nation we have become particularly obsessed with our pets, pet hotels, pet psychics, animal advocates (don't get me started on that one) but your obsession is not going to change the fact that your dog will probably grow up to be the same dog he was going to be anyway.



Raising children comes with knowing that you are responsible for molding a human being  that will someday be able to go out on their own and become productive members of society. This requires a constant investment in them, keeping an eye on friends and activities, helping achieve success in school and ultimately  passing on the morals and values that you want them to carry for a lifetime. You raise your kids to eventually leave you and go out into the world as adults to live their lives and maybe have children of their own someday. Your dog will be with you forever. And it will still be a dog. Maybe slower, and definitely older. STILL A DOG. 

People need to think twice before comparing their dog to someone’s child- ESPECIALLY MINE. 

Here are some key differences between dogs and kids for those who might need the info. 

  • If you're a dog owner, and you're out of milk and you need it for the recipe you're making for dinner, you can run to the grocery store  without your dog.
  • If you are a parent of a small child and you find yourself faced with a grocery emergency, you either must find a babysitter immediately, or dress your child appropriately for the weather, take your child to  the car whether or not your child wants to go, strap your child into an appropriate restraining device, listen to your child complain about your selections on the car radio all the way to the store, take your child out of the car seat,strap them into a cart (depending on their age of course- try strapping a teenager into a cart- that doesn't go over well!) listen to your child ask whether you can buy every tenth thing you pass, load your groceries into your car and return your cart  while also wrangling your child, strap your child back into the car seat, drive home, and then figure out how to get your child and the groceries out of the car at the same time. Now- do this with a kiddo on the spectrum that you have had to interrupt while playing Lego Starwars. Multiply all of this by 100. 
  • A new puppy may wake its owners up several times a night to be played with, have to go to the bathroom, etc.
  • A new baby will wake a mother up several times a night to CHEW ON HER BOOBS.
  • A new puppy may sometimes pee/poop or barf on the floor
  • A new baby may sometimes pee/poop or vomit IN YOUR FACE. Not to mention the clean shirt you just put on.
  • It might take a couple of months to potty train a puppy.
  • It can take YEARS to potty train child. Oh- kiddo on the spectrum? That could be, well, never.
  • You can leave your dog alone in a fenced yard with a bowl of food, a bowl of water and some toys for eight hours a day while you work, and you might feel a little bit guilty.
  • If you leave your child alone in a fenced yard with a bowl of food, a bowl of water and some toys for eight hours a day while you work, you will be arrested.
  • You have to teach a dog that chewing your favorite shoes to pieces is not an appropriate way to play. 
  • You have to teach a child that playing with matches could set your entire house on fire.
This is by no means a comprehensive list- but it does cover some important things that should help if you find yourself confused. 



Sidebar: Abusing or mistreating animals is WRONG. Please inform your local Animal Control if you see evidence of abuse.  Sadly, more animal abuse cases are followed up on than child abuse cases. Try and justify that. 

Service dogs are AMAZING. Check out 4 Paws for Ability. They are awesome- and I have a friend with 2 autistic children who has a dog from there- and he is great. Oh- and doesn't bark at air. 


P.S. People say it is the owners fault. I agree to an  extent. But these same people also STILL compared kids and dogs- Bad kids have bad parents and bad pets have bad owners. Love the ignorance and intolerance. Sorry- but my kid isn't always being "bad" He is autistic- and might be overwhelmed. And I also firmly believe that there are bad apples everywhere. Even with dogs.