Back to school- hopes and fears. Hope 2012-A Blog Relay

"I can assure you there is no more powerful advocate for children than a parent armed with information and options."

Dr. Rod Paige, U.S. Secretary of Education (2001-2005)

When I read Slice of Humble's blog about hope this week, I was so inspired!  So here is my inspired blog, and my take on "Hope" 

It's August- which means school is just around the corner! There’s a buzz in the air that’s almost palpable. Parents all over town are humming with anticipation of what, for many of us is the most wonderful time of the year. That first day back to school!


In our family, it has been a constant juggling act between two very different age groups, dealing with no car, dealing with financial instability, and trying to keep The Boy engaged and throwing learning opportunities at him as well. It's not easy, and I should be glad that someone else gets to take over his education for the better part of the day in a few weeks.


But I am worried- because although he was supposed to be mainstreamed last year, the teacher decided "he wasn't doing as well as she would like" i.e. I can't handle him or give him the extra 5 minutes he needs on certain tasks. So he was put into a "categorical classroom" or "cross categorical classroom" or special ed to you and me. I wasn't happy about this turn of events- at his other school he had managed being completely mainstreamed, and had a wonderful teacher who worked WITH him, while also integrating him into the classroom. This has not been the case in the new school.


The "categorical/cross categorical classroom" is supposed to take a teacher with a certain endorsement, such as LD (learning disability) EI (emotionally impaired) CI (cognitively impaired) or HI (Hearing impaired) AI (Autistic impaired)- you get the picture- and put them with students who fit within their endorsements. Because most of these classrooms are "cross-categorical" a teacher with an LD endorsement will probably be teaching a classroom of kids with impairments across the board. Which means that in order to meet IEP goals- these teachers must work a lot harder, and these students will be missing support classes and specials like art, music etc. I think this cross categorical idea is crap. How does this best meet the needs of kids with disabilities in the least restrictive environment?


To top things off, after going all year with "he's doing good" I get his end of the year report card- and while he did pretty good in most areas - he didn't in others and NOTHING was ever said. And I pushed and pushed- wanting to make sure he was mainstreamed fully next year, AND with a certain teacher. I was told that yes , yes, of course- we agree with you. Then it was "oh well, we will see" and mama wasn't having any of that!


So next week, the phone calls and emails will start. Making sure he gets the teacher I want him to have, and that the "cross-categorical" classroom will be only used for support- NOT as a main classroom situation.


So what does this blog have to do with "Hope"? Everything. We all hope our children do well, make friends, and are happy, right? I am a parent who has to work her ass off on a DAILY basis to make sure these things happen. I am a parent of an autistic child- so I work, and advocate and fight for every little thing. Not that I didn't do the same for the other kids- just not on such an intense level.


I have discovered strength and patience I never knew I had. So much so, I am finishing my own degree in Special Education so I can help those kids so many schools just ignore.


Step 1: Write a blog post about hope & publish it on your blog.
Step 2: Invite one (or more!) bloggers to do the same.

 Step 3: Link to the person who recruited you (me, in this case) at the top of the post, and the people you're recruiting at the bottom of the post.
Melanie Crutchfield will be holding "Closing Ceremonies" around August 10 and will gather up little snippets from people that wrote about hope, so make sure you link back to her as the originator of the relay

My picks are:

Homestyle Mama (with a side of Autism)

Grape Jelly on Pizza

Dad v. Autism

15 Wonderful, Crazy Years

Wow- so young, so naive, SO THIN!

Fifteen years of marriage. A drop in the bucket for some. A miracle in these hard times for others. It feels like forever, but it feels like only a minute. 

Somehow, we have made it work, but it has been a hard fought battle to hold it all together. I was convinced that after the first 5 years things would get somewhat easier. And while there have been wonderful, beautiful stars in our eyes times, there are still so many days that it feels like it's all an uphill battle. Days you feel like you have nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for, and this is all there is. But then the clouds break, the sun shines,  and it is in those small moments that you can really revel in the amazingness that is your marriage and the fact that you have held it together- and BREATHE. Then life crashes down on you again and you hold your breath waiting for the next break in the insanity. 

The Mister and I are so different-I am LOUD where he is quiet.  I am outgoing,and  love to be around people, where he is reticent and content to be at home. I like making new friends, he is content with high school buddies. I smoke, he doesn't.  He loves boats, I don't.  You get the point.  They say opposites attract, but DAMN!

Over  the last 15 years I have gained an appreciation for Star Wars, The Beatles, RPG's, Batman and other assorted comic book characters. He has gained an appreciation for going out and being around lots of people, for some of my music, and my love of kids and being a preschool teacher.  Our marriage has been like an intense learning experience/science project- and we both have learned and adapted.

He says sometimes I make things difficult. Of course I do. But in my head- it's not difficult, I am thinking "outside the box" and he has tunnel vision. So I could also say he makes things difficult. He is a RIGHT NOW kind of guy- as in- deal with things that are in this very moment- I on the other hand look down the road at the implications from whatever is going on in that moment. That is our biggest problem I think. His inability to look into the future, and my inability to not just fix one problem at a time- and not inventing more. We try to make the best of bad situations and enjoy the hell out of the good times. 


Here's to an amazing dad, a fantastic husband and the bestest best friend a girl could ask for.  I love you honey- let's work on the next 15 years ♥

We're not perfect. But we are perfect for each other. 

You say Bitch like it's a bad thing

We have all been there. Parents, feeling like our child has been slighted in some way by a teacher, family member, another child, another parent, come to their defense in the blink of an eye, ready to fight the world in defense of our progeny. It's natural, like breathing. Now- take the mom of a special needs child- spin the wheel and pick any special need you want- I will be focusing on Autism, but it is the same for all. Multiply that hair trigger defense mechanism by...oh let's be conservative and say A MILLION.

Autism mom's are heavyweight champions when it comes to fighting for our kids. We have had to fight with  school psychologists who think they know more about your kid than you do, or disagree with TWO different neurologists diagnoses. We have had to fight with insurance companies to help pay the astronomical medical bills brought on by Autism. We have had to fight for therapies. We have had to fight with poorly trained (at times) school staff who insist on treating our kids as if they are ONLY one big behavioral problem and refuse to be flexible at all. We have had to fight with our MET (Multidisciplinary Evaluation Team) about IEP goals, supports in the classroom and making sure our kids are getting a good education in a safe environment. We have had to fight with ignorant assholes who say stupid things around and or about our kids- and not in an innocent 'I just didn't know" way. Serious jerks who feel it is their  place to tell you that you are not disciplining enough, you should just spank them, could you please keep them quiet, what is wrong with your child?
Then there is the fighting WITH our kids. Fighting to get them to eat ANYTHING beyond the 4 foods they only let cross their lips. Fighting with them to sleep, get dressed, take a bath/shower, do homework, get away from the TV, not run into traffic. It goes on and on and on.

People that know me are always praising me as a parent, they admire my determination, my drive, my constant and loud advocating for my son, my great attitude and how I am so happy in the face of everything that sucks. "Courage under fire" was something someone said to me once- and I almost burst out laughing, not because of the compliment (which it definitely was) but for the fact that I can put on an amazing front, and pull off an Academy Award winning performance on pretty much a daily basis!

It's true- you wouldn't like me very much at all

I carry around A LOT of suppressed anger. Anger at fate for dealing me this hand. Anger that my kid at 9 almost 10 cannot do the things other kids his age are doing. Simple things, like run around at the local carnival with his friends, checking in for cash once in awhile with me.  Anger at myself for wishing he could be "normal" sometimes. Anger at other kids when I see them looking at him and snickering while he expounds about dinosaurs or Star Wars. Anger at other parents who have no idea how lucky they are they don't have to deal with some of the shit I have to- and RAGE at looks of pity.  (I have 2 other neurotypical kids- so I know EXACTLY what is different in raising The Boy) And anger at teachers who can't be bothered- who only include him in general education special projects because they HAVE to, and for not teaching compassion, acceptance and tolerance as every day core values across the curriculum.


To make a long story somewhat shorter- when The Boy moved back to school where we live after 3.5 years at an amazing school, with amazing teachers we had an idea of what to expect. But it has been so much worse than what we even tried to prepare ourselves for. The lack of communication, the refusal to even TRY to keep him mainstreamed, his misery, the lack of expectations FOR him, the ostracizing of him as well as a class of special needs students- who only participate in "specials" and science and social studies- well- let's just say that my Bitch Meter has been in the red most of this school year. And believe me, I am POSITIVE that I am discussed and referred to as "a bitch" and you know what? GOOD!! When you have had to fight as much as I have just to get your kid the acceptance and education he is entitled to over the last almost 10 years,(the last nine months being the worst since kindergarten) then you might be a bitch too! And the sad thing is- fighting for your kid- no matter how calm, educated and respectful you are brands you as A Bitch.  They haven't even come close to seeing just how much of a bitch I can be. I have ranted and raved and cried at home, calling the MET every dirty name in the book, but at the meetings have been in control, and presenting my side in an articulate and educated way, all the while wanting to stand up and yell and tell them what stupid assholes they are. But I don't- it would be counterproductive.
It is fucking HARD to hold it all in there. With all the resentment and anger just below my cool smile- you would think that having to deal with bullshit would be the straw that  breaks the camel's back.  But- the storm always comes later- and unfortunately it is my wonderful husband who has to bear the worst of it.


So is it really any wonder that what seems like something so small can get my hackles up in such a big way? Something like....getting an email from the Special ed. teacher saying the the general ed. teacher wants me to bring in...oh, let's say crackers for a grade wide presentation at school.  And when asked why the gen ed teacher didn't just ask me herself either by phone or email, or BY SEEING ME AT THE SCHOOL EVERY DAMN DAY, she doesn't have an answer. Well of course she doesn't! She is being used as a middle man, plain and simple. Once again, the glaring fact that The Boy is not considered part if the school community slaps me in the face. How else would I see it?  He is being "allowed" to participate in this presentation, and oh, let's throw mom a bone and maybe she can bring something so she feels that her kid is truly included.  Over crackers and a simple email, yes I have lost my tenuous grip on my anger. Petty, stupid, immature- call it what you will. But when I see how the other teachers, students and parents look at my son, the way they ignore me when it comes to class projects, or worse, treat me (and him) as an afterthought, using stupid excuses like "I had the wrong email address" - well, this is THE.LAST.STRAW. 

If you want me to provide something for class, a presentation, whatever, ASK ME YOUR DAMN SELF. The Boy is a part of YOUR class too- he is not just a "special ed student". I NEVER once had this problem in the other school, the gen ed 3rd grade teacher ALWAYS emailed, called or sent a note home if she needed me to do anything. I am at the school every freakin day...I am not hard to get in touch with.

If  fighting for your kids, doing what you have to do to ensure they are healthy, getting a decent education, and happy makes one a bitch- then give me my Bitch Badge and I will wear it proudly.  But if/when the day comes that I really unleash my inner bitch on you- don't say I didn't warn you.

It's a blog- not an open invitation to tell me how effed up I am

There are a bajillion blogs out there. There are blogs about kids, booze, food, technology, families....the list goes on and on and on and on ad infinitum. I personally read several blogs religiously. Moms Who Drink and Swear,  Dad v. Autism  ( my hubby ♥), Life With Penis People, Mary Tyler Mom, Counting Caballeros, Shit Your Mother Never Told You, Apples and Autobots, Little White Lion, ....are just a VERY small sampling of what I personally read. I keep up on the autism blogs, of which there are many, and mine of course is a hodge podge of autism, parenting, friends, daily life, blah, blah, blah.  Hell, I even wrote about wishing I had done more Kegels for shit's sake....

I may not agree with every single thing I read - even on my favorites- but I do not make it my personal mission to send anybody a private message telling them how fucked up they are, to decry their character or morals, or to just spew hate.   And I really do NOT get people that do.  Bloggers are opening themselves up, creating stuff that matters to them- and hoping it will matter to others as well. Whether it's political, whimsical, informative or funny, it is ALL a matter of opinion- and that leaves us vulnerable. We hope to inspire, but we also open ourselves up to criticism, both constructive and unfortunately destructive. 

I am not holding a gun to YOUR head right now. I am not forcing you to read this. You CHOSE to read my somewhat intelligible rantings. My writing is not filled with subliminal messages {{{read this blog or else you will break out in boils and develop syphilis}}  forcing the average person to read.  And while I welcome feedback, similar stories, and disagreement (done in an intelligent manner) I will not give credence to sad people who think they have to say horrible awful things to build themselves up.  

For instance- in my blog Must love dogs. Well Screw That! I wrote about our misfortunes with owning dogs. I received so many venomous, hate filled nasty comments- it just blew me away. I laughed a lot of it off- each to his own right? But people were actually calling my parenting skills into question- really? Don't even go there! Here is one example:

I have to say that I am appalled by the way you have treated those poor defenceless animals. And I'm even more appalled that you seem to think that the way you have behaved is acceptable. You left your family pet with a humane society and do not even care about whether or not it's still alive? And you are about to do it again? I am ashamed to belong to the same species as you. I'm almost surprised that you didn't give up your son when it turned out he was autistic, just in case he turned out to be too much work for you! I really hope that when you become old and senile and start shitting yourself that your children dump you in a nursing home. Because they will have learned from you that getting rid of something that has become an inconvience is perfectly ok.

This one really pissed me off. But then- I took a deep breath and decided it was absolutely pointless and ridiculous to get pissed off, much less argue with someone like this ( even though I DID have some choice things to say!)  This person had an opinion- and even though they were unable to present their opinion in a matter that didn't try to bring me down, it was still their OPINION...and unfortunately, any asshole can have one of those. 

When out perusing the blogosphere- remember that a million different personalities have millions upon millions of opinions and write about them.NOBODY  is forcing anyone to read or agree with ANYTHING.  You may not like or agree with them all. But it is not license to be nasty, bitchy, hateful or even threatening to the writer.  Haters: Try writing your own blog- put yourself out there and see what happens.  

So the moral of the story is- read my blog, have an opinion, share a comment, similar story, helpful advice or even criticism- I can take it! Just remember- I am putting myself out there- both for my own enjoyment and because I hope that something I say may resonate with someone else and dare I say help someone out. But more than that- I may be the one getting help or advice. I am an autism mom - I can use all the help I can get.

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Hey Jealousy...

So I started this blog stuff  going on a year ago now. I had no idea what I was doing- I was just reading my friend Nikki's blog (OMG- READ IT  Moms who Drink and Swear it will change your LIFE!!)  Wait- where was I? Oh- so I was reading her blog and it made me snort laugh, it made me think, it made me cry- it was amazing. I could do this I thought to myself. I mean- a blog is basically an online diary that you let the world read, right? Worst case scenario #1 your life is as boring as watching paint dry. Worst case scenario #2- you are so interesting you gain creepy stalkers that force you to get a new identity.  Best case scenario- you are funny and witty and down to earth  and have a good angle and you gain readers, and friends. Hopefully you get a much needed cathartic outlet and maybe  help some others on the way.

So my angle is Autism.I live with Autism, I figure I am damn near an expert (in my life anyway) and I have a lot to say. I have gotten so many emails and comments about my blog. People telling me their story with Autism, people asking me questions, giving me advice, laughing and crying with me- the networking has been fantastic.  While I know I am not alone out there ( 1 in 90- not even close) through my blog I have heard some stories that are so close to mine it blows me away.  I have also got some wonderful advice from parents who have dealt with or are dealing with some of the challenges we are- and for that I am so very very grateful.
I have been a wannabe writer most of my life. From short stories to poems, a few things published here and there, I think I am pretty good at getting thoughts put down on paper that make sense and make others want to read them. I have been in the process of writing a children's book for...well...let's just say awhile now. I have a pretty original idea, my oldest son said he will illustrate it for me and the children's book market seems easy enough to break into. I mean if Jenna Bush and Terrell Owens can do it- I can too! But for now I am happy with my tiny little piece of the blogosphere.

My husband is a published writer- 3 books plus numerous short stories and a screenplay. He has been blogging as well for awhile now- mostly sports related- he is The Struggling Sports Reporter and loves to torture himself writing about the Detroit Lions.  To distract other misbegotten Lions Fans, he posts pictures of hot cheerleaders too.

He recently started a new blog- Dad vs. Autism- his view on our son's autism and the effect on our lives. It is VERY good.  He is an amazing writer- and yes I am slightly prejudice- but that notwithstanding- he is very good. He is funny, smart, witty, and gives a perspective  of a special needs DAD- which is just wonderful.  You hear so much from the mom- usually about all things to do with child rearing but throw a special needs (of any kind) child in and it's pretty much the mom's you hear from and about. 

He sees things in a drastically different light than I do. He is a perpetual "the glass is half full" kind of guy, whereas I am  " the fucking glass is broken"  kind of gal. So when I first began reading his blog- I was wonderfully surprised at his perspective- I wrote about it- Where have you been? and while I still feel the same- now I am starting to think that I will be taking a back seat to his obviously superior writing...again.  Please- don't misunderstand-  I am proud to be the wife of such a talented guy- I am excited and proud of his blog. But this was MY thing. He was the sports guy- and while I passed him around like the slutty girl at school with his Struggling Sports Reporter blog,that was a specific niche- his blog now is for ANYONE. And he has gained a hell of a following.

The green eyed monster has reared it's ugly head- all of the people that were reading my blog now can't get enough of his. This IS a great thing- but I was happy to have something that he was a part of- but it was still all about me. And I am an attention whore. I LOVE it! I like being on stage,the center of attention all of that shit.  I like to think that I am gracious and not a insufferable bitch about it too...and if that is not true- just please don't tell me, m'kay?  

And just the simple fact that I KNOW I am jealous makes me feel like an asshole. I don't have all day in front of a computer to write about everything I would like to. I wrangle 3.5 year olds all day and spend 1.5 to 2 hours on the road and then come home to be wife, mom, maid, 3rd and 8th grade teacher, laundress, and referee. When I CAN get on the computer I am so tired I can't think. Blogging? Shit. I am lucky to be able to drag my ass to bed.  His readership is climbing, his blogs are getting even better and while I am still bursting with pride and my heart is so happy when I see him light up like Christmas when he gets a ton of hits- that nasty jealousy bug continues to buzz in my ear.

He keeps saying it's not a competition- and I know that- but I still feel overshadowed by what I perceive as his superior writing. I read a TON of blogs now- and I know that I am in no way a Pulitzer winning writer- but it doesn't bother me. I guess this close to home it's different.   I will make an effort to get out there more- try to write at least once a week- and hopefully I can stay interesting. In the mean time- I will pimp my mister out- because he is awesome. And I want everyone to know he belongs to me.

Where have you been all this time?

So my husband has started blogging about something other than sports. His blog  http://dadvautism.blogspot.com/ is his take on our son and his Autism, and general every day life.His Yin to my Yang if you will.  He is an amazing writer and has published several books (go buy one!)  Until very recently he has been mostly shoulder to cry on and a supportive husband and dad in our journey with Noah and Autism. I am the researcher, I am the activist, I get out there and find answers and network with people and then relay the info to him. 

But in the last couple of weeks he has been voicing a lot of opinions and some very deep insights about our son that leaves me wondering- where has all of this been for the last 5 years? He is the"fixer" in the family. He goes out of his way to make problems go away. He doesn't like to see us sad, or unhappy and so he adopts a let's move forward attitude and that is what he does. Moves forward. Sometimes I move with him- but lots of times- most especially with our boy- I am stuck. Or- if not stuck- moving forward scant inches at a time, only to be yanked backwards a thousand yards. Don't get me wrong, Noah has made amazing progress since first being diagnosed with Autism. A lot of the problems we had just a couple of years ago have all but disappeared, but we are always facing new challenges.

I can't understand from a dad's point of view what it is like to hear your SON is not going to be the son you had thought you would have. Especially with a sports nut  like my husband- his dreams of having his boys play baseball or football are getting crushed. The oldest had absolutely no interest and if it is not an electronically generated past time Noah pretty much doesn't want anything to do with it. But he keeps his positive attitude and sits quietly by letting me do my thing, encouraging me but staying on the fringes.

Then all of a sudden- BAM! He starts writing this blog and I am stunned, even brought to tears by his words. Has he felt this way all along? Is this a new development? Why hasn't he talked about this before with me? All of the times I rambled on and on about this treatment, that school, trying to explain to him why you HAVE to teach Noah this or that way because that is how he learns, why in the hell didn't he pipe up with some of these amazing insights? He sees things in Noah that I don't. His positive spin amazes me, because I am positive but in a very guarded way because I don't want to feel disappointed in our boy's progress and abilities- and I DO NOT  want our boy thinking he is not good enough. Because he is BETTER than good enough. He is sublimely awesome. 

But he has given me a lot to think about, and a lot to look for in Noah. Maybe I shelter him too much, maybe I do too much for him, maybe I am not allowing him to reach potential milestones because I am afraid he will stumble or fall and no mother wants to see that happen to their child, Autistic or not.

So now, with all of my contacts in the Autistic community, all of my research and all of my education, the one person who is the closest to me is finally piping up. We have differing views of course on the future with Noah- like I said I am cautiously optimistic while he is Pollyanna optimistic but working together like this will be the absolute greatest thing in the world for Noah, and that is what matters.

http://www.amazon.com/D-P-Barnsdale/e/B002MA3V7K