Surviving the football banquet

We made it through another football/cheer season.  The Boy made it through a second season earning the Iron Man Award. This is a pretty awesome achievement- the award is given to players and cheerleaders who make every single practice and game. That is 5 days of 2-2.5 hour practices and games every Saturday. Wind, cold, rain, and not too much play time are just a handful of the things that the kids deal with in a season. And to not miss ONE practice or game- well- that DESERVES an award.  I think that they should start a new award for the PARENTS that are at every single practice and game without fail too....(pssst- it's us in case you were wondering!)

My Iron Man!

The banquet is a long, long, LONG afternoon of coaches talking about their players, many tears, lots of accolades and speeches. Trying to get The Boy to sit with his team and goof around is impossible- he always sits with us, headphones in, playing on his iPad. When it is his turn to accept his awards he does it as quickly as he can.  He won't eat any of the food that is served and usually needs to take a break and get out of the room at some point.  We were pleasantly surprised to hear his head coach tell a funny little story about him today- and I watched with pride as the other coaches all hugged him and congratulated him on a job well done.  Do they have any clue how amazing it is that this kid is actually suiting up every day and playing? That sensory and social issues are a daily struggle? That a developmental delay makes him a bully target and that most of this team of 10-11 year old boys help and encourage him- and never make fun? Do they know how lucky THEY are to have the opportunity to work with him? I think a couple of them do- and they will never fathom the depth of my appreciation for their patience and hard work with him. Thank you guys- it just isn't enough.

Peanut Bowl 2012  Runners Up 

Autism and football don't always mix well. Especially at practice when The Boy is sitting way too much for a practice and gets antsy and acts up.  Not being very aggressive and not wanting to hit is a drawback as well. I mean- it's football! Hitting is what it's all about! And it's not like they are not fully padded. Injuries happen, sure. But learning HOW to hit will help avoid injuries and make a kid a player who gets more play time. Lack of an attention span also is a drawback- I don't know how many times we were yelling from the stands "BRUISER! GET OUT ON THE FIELD!"

Drawbacks or no- he IS trying. He IS growing his limited social skills. He IS learning the game- no small feat for any 10 year old kid- but it is a MAJOR milestone for a kid on the spectrum.

Recently, a story was featured on ESPN about Anthony Starego, an autistic high school senior at Brick High School in New Jersey. Anthony was inspired by Rutgers kicker Jeremy Ito and worked for 6 years to become the amazing kicker he is today.  You can read about him here: Autistic Kicker.  I have also included 3 videos of Anthony you just have to watch. I cry every time I watch- he is such an inspiration.

Kicking  is a repetitive action- he can expect the same thing for every play. Just like playing safety or end- but with the possibility of a lot more play time.  One of his coaches today  said he thought it would be awesome for Bruiser to get into the kicker position.  That, and watching Anthony and hearing his story makes me hopeful for The Boy and his football career. 

Over the next 10 months The Mister will work with The Boy on kicking. I really think he has the opportunity to be GREAT. Now to make HIM believe it is HIS idea- that will make him UNSTOPPABLE! 

                          The Lonesome Kicker

I'm a bad blogger. Wanna spank me?

I'm Back!!!

Hey- it's me! I haven't been around in awhile- so if you have forgotten who I am- I totally understand.  Just a refresher- I am the wino mom that has the son with autism, and an epic potty mouth- ringing any bells? I am sure it will all come back to you. So I am going to cheat- and catch you up with a photo montage. Sorry- you will have to hum some inspirational/funny/metal anthem in your head for this!

Teenzilla went to her first Roller Derby

We won!!

The Mister wouldn't stop taking my picture

Teenzilla dyed her hair

First day of school

I got Jammie Dodgers all the way from The UK!!

One of several bonfires

Teenzilla and I just doing nothing

The Mister looking annoyed at football practice

Teenzilla and her co- cheer coach

Me sitting at the bonfire

Picture Day!

My birthday!

The Misfit offense

The Twenty something doing art

Parent Day!

My super handsome hubby

Made "Scammy" Dodgers for return of Doctor Who

More football!

The brownies were totally cool

Pretending that they like each other

Baking cookies (pre pink hair)

Putting The Boy on the bus for the first day of school!

Bad spelling

New magenta (no, NOT pink) hair

The Boy's First game!

Fish fingers and custard for Doctor Who

A very small sampling of our lives since I so rudely up and left you!  Not in any particular order either- my apologies. Yeah, maybe it's cheating- but as they say a picture is worth a thousand words! And be honest, would you really read 29,000 words??

Just wanting to fit in

Watching The Boy try so damn hard to make connections, belong, and fit in is physically painful for me. When he was younger, I could step in, help guide him. Now that he is older, playing football and being increasingly involved in peer to peer social situations that don't always involve an adult presence, I fear these differences are going to isolate him and batter his self esteem. To other's he is sometimes "weird" and "annoying". But he is only doing the best he can do in what must feel like an alien world.


Football is my way of trying to help him to belong. It's not his passion, and it is evident on the field. He does try, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't LOVE it. Dad and I have told him REPEATEDLY and emphatically that if he doesn't want to do it- it's FINE! We won't be disappointed, mad or even upset. Getting a kid on the spectrum to try new things, and step away from the video games is like pulling teeth. Just the simple fact he completed the whole season last year and is attempting another year is absolutely amazing, and awesome and I couldn't be happier! But I don't want it for me, I want him to want it. And if he doesn't, well, OK then, let's step away and find something else. But he insists he wants to play, promises to do better and it breaks my heart. Because no matter what he tries, no matter where his niche is, be it sports, music, art, WHATEVER- I am proud of any effort. And the last thing I want is for him to feel that if he doesn't do it I will feel like he failed.


I read all sorts of uplifting articles, "Teen with autism wanting to get fit finds success on football field", "Autistic football player an inspiration to many", "Autistic football player’s dream comes true" All very uplifting, inspiring stories. I love to hear these success stories, but have accepted that The Boy will probably not go that far, at least in football. But the last thing I want him to be is a "mascot" or a charity case, or a way to make an organization look good. "Look at us, we have an autistic player, aren't we great". Give him a chance, coach him, treat him like the rest of the players, INCLUDE HIM, and help the other players and coaches understand him. He will probably never score the winning touchdown, or maybe he will. The only way to know for sure is to give him that chance.


Every parent of every child has their own dream for that child. My dream is inclusion. I want my son to FEEL included. I want him to FEEL like he is valued and there is a place for him. So as long as he is making it to practice every day and putting in effort, I will expect the coach to FIND that place for him. Doing anything less is doing The Boy a disservice. I will never try and tell you how to coach football. I will tell you how I think you can coach The Boy, and how it can help not just you, but your team as a whole. At this level, every player is valuable and there is a place for them all.

Are we still in middle school? Parent cliques SUCK

Cliques are not limited to school playgrounds and junior high hallways.   They also appear at "back to school night", PTA meetings, sports, even drop off and pick up for school. One dirty little secret of parenthood is that it comes with a pecking order.  We don't leave cliques or peer pressure behind when we grow up or when we become parents. We just graduate to a new level with adults now playing the roles.

If you take an active role in your child's school or activities then you already know this can be  an issue. And just like a clique can be hurtful for a child, it can be hurtful for an adult. Even if you think you left all of that kind of stuff behind when you joined the "grown up world" it can still come bite you in the ass when you are least expecting it. 

It is often the loudest, pushiest parents who seem to be setting the standard on what it looks like to be a caring, attentive, involved mother or father. There is certainly no one standard of "correct" parenting but many adults behave like assholes while pursuing it.  This often becomes most obvious - and obnoxious - as children reach school age or begin extracurricular activities.  

Enter SPORTS. I have been a part of many groups since my kids started school. Volunteer groups, class parents, Girl Scouts, you name it , I probably volunteered for it. I was also teaching at a local preschool, so a lot of people knew me, or at least knew who I was. Then Teenzilla started cheer for the local little league. She had played soccer, and basketball, but never had I encountered such closed ranks as I did within this Football/Cheer organization. after her first year I became an assistant coach- and I loved it! Not only did I get to be around cheer, I was now part of this "Cool Kid Club" filled to the brim with doctors, lawyers, teachers and well known people in the community. The next year I took the head coach position and did that for 3 more years.

This year I am not coaching. I get to be a MOM. I get to watch The Boy practice and sit in the stands for ONLY ONE GAME!!  Teenzilla is all done cheering and is now junior coaching. It is so much more relaxing now at practice.   

But now I am a nobody. The coaches that I worked alongside, cheering victories and mourning losses act as if they don't even know me. I am just another parent at the field, and not a part of their exclusive club any longer. And it stings. I don't expect to be right in the middle of all the action anymore, but damn! To be treated like a virtual stranger, all of the time spent together apparently forgotten, yeah it kinda hurts.

I have tried to become as involved as I can so far- asking about helping the Team Mom and offering to fill in as a sub for the cheerleaders if one of the coaches has to be absent, only to be pretty much blown off. 

So be it. A chapter in my life has come to an end, more abruptly than I would have liked, but I did have a great time while I did it.I am beyond proud that The Boy wants to play again this year. One of the girls wrote an essay last year about a person she admired- and she wrote it about me..pretty damn cool! I made the decision to "retire" as it were, and now I will fulfill my mandatory volunteer commitments and call it good. I have made some good, true friends, and am very happy for that. I will be just as encouraging to all the players as I have always been.   And I will  be the loudest mom in the stands! 

The art of shoe tying AKA Mom's own private Hell

Love the  concentration

The Boy will be 10 in a few weeks. And he STILL can't tie his shoes. I feel a shame akin to the sippy cup nonsense about this.  I have been working with him on this particular skill  off and on for the last 4 years.  When other more important things arose- shoe tying plummeted to the bottom of the list. I mean, in comparison to learning how to make eye contact, write (which is an ongoing battle) learning social skills, potty training (another drawn out nightmare), and then learning to ALWAYS use the bathroom, learning to dress himself, learning to feed himself, and basic educational things- shoe tying really wasn't that big of a priority. 

When he still wasn't tying his shoes by first grade, I got frustrated. I knew it was a life skill, I knew it was important, and I set my stubborn mind to it- I would MAKE him learn to do this. So I went out and bought the book the OT suggested when I brought it up to her- Red Lace Yellow Lace  and it is really neat. I would read it to him in a sing song voice until he memorized the rhymes- but refused to actually attempt to tie. I sang other fun songs when trying to teach him. I tried "bunny ears' and loop-de-loop and pull (thank you Spongebob!) but he would make halfhearted  attempts, or fixate on the rhyme or song, and then cry and run away.  I tried bribery, begging, threatening- taking a very neurotypical approach to a child who was not neurotypical. I got even more frustrated with myself, because all of the things I want OTHER people to understand about The Boy and his autism, I was losing sight of myself.  I am painfully aware of his lack of attention, his inability to focus for long periods of time, look at ME when I ask, watch what I am doing and then try to copy it. I was EXPECTING a typical kid response (having already been through this with 2 other typical kids) so it really came as no surprise when it finally dawned on me that these tactics WERE NOT GOING TO WORK WITH MY AUTISTIC KID! Duh mom....    


While it may seem like a simple task, tying your shoes is made up of lots of smaller tasks.And when teaching a child on the spectrum just about anything, you need to break it down into smaller chunks and perfect each stage before moving on to the next. Sounds daunting doesn't it? It is. This is how I taught him to talk, feed himself, dress himself (he still refuses to button pants- he puts them on buttoned) and everything else. So take the act of tying shoes, already a series of smaller tasks, and then have to break it down even further. It is seriously reinventing the wheel.  Did I mention that I am an impatient person?  And, well, Velcro is faster, period.  But the time is rapidly approaching where we won't be able to find Velcro shoes, and then he stands the chance of teasing because of it as well.  

This summer I promised MYSELF that I would teach him how to tie his shoes. This has gone on long enough, and he wants to play football again, and I don't want any issues with other kids when they see he can't tie his own shoes. He can't be out on the field and run to a coach or to his dad or I to help him. This is truly a life skill that he MUST learn- come hell or high water.  I know more, I have YouTube videos to watch, I have studied forward and backward chaining, I have a system that allows him to earn "screen time" when he practices tying his shoes and I have my determination. 


Today we had out first success- after 3 days of him fighting me and willing to not get that extra 20 minutes of screen time, I set an alarm and told him that as soon as it went off he was going to practice shoe tying with me for 10 minutes. He whined a little, but as soon as that alarm went off- he came and got me and said "Alright, let's work on this shoe tying thing"  I think all my harping finally got to him, he sounded resigned, but I was THRILLED! In 10 minutes he managed to get the first step down- using forward chaining*. Now come the loops, and pushing it through- *sigh* This is where the lack of fine motor skills really slowed him down. His hands were all over the place, and he tied his thumb and finger into the lace.  I could feel he was about to chuck the shoe and throw a fit- when he DID IT. It was sloppy and loose...but he tied his own shoe!   A giant bear hug and big kiss had him giggling and running away, and then of course asking if he got his extra screen time- but he did it!!

I made it through what felt like an hour long 10 minutes without raising my voice, getting mad or anything! I am going to go and treat myself to a congratulatory glass of wine!






*I have not used ABA very often with The Boy-I really feel like "shaping" is like dog training and my kid isn't a dog-  but these particular steps not only helped him, but helped me to teach him. Today was our first success in 4 years- and we will take it! 

1. Forward Chaining – begin with the first step of the task. Then teach sequential steps until they can perform all steps. This is a good method for children who have difficulty with sequencing and

generalizing skills.

2. Backward Chaining – demonstrate the entire task first. Repeat it, leaving out the last step for the child to complete. This method works well for children with low frustration tolerance or poor self esteem. It also gives the child early success.

Bittersweet Endings

Bruiser and The Goob

Football and cheer have come to an end. In more ways than one. Teenzilla is all done cheering for the Rec. League, and hopefully The Boy will want to play again next year. Teenzilla tried out and made her school competitive cheer team, but alas- she does not love the sport as much as I want her to, so she quit the team.

This first week after the season ends is always the hardest for me. Practice every night and games every Saturday is a grueling schedule, but it has been such a huge part of my life for the last 4 years that it is hard to come to grips that it is all over- done coaching, done cheering- and next year if The Boy plays, I will get to be just a regular mom, cheering on the kids from the stands. I am already considering how to get the coveted title of "Team Mom", which would mean I would still be in all the action, but there is a whole year, and a lot of mom's that I am sure will be eyeing the position..

Words cannot describe what an amazing season it was. Getting an autistic kid to play pretty much any sport is  a feat, getting mine to play football is a small miracle. He went to practice every day without complaint, never missed a game ( even though he stood on the sidelines for most of them!) got a few seconds of glory and had the opportunity to be coached by a staff of amazing guys who taught him so much.  He earned the Ironman Award- an award given to the hearty few who do make every game and practice, and that to me is more important than how many plays he got per game. He was there- learning to be part of a team, making friends and learning how to play full contact football.  He gave himself the nickname "Bruiser", another minor miracle, as he has always insisted on using his name, NEVER a nickname.  I am so very, very proud of his accomplishments, and hope that he means it when he says "I can't wait to play next year".


Now it's time to take a break before moving on to something else.  There is a program we are looking at for him called Mad Skillz, a program designed to improve on understanding, knowledge and skills of the game. He said he was interested- we shall see. I really do hope he wants to do it- and I really hope he plays again next year.

So nervous

Holding my breath

The cheerleading thing is what I am mourning.  I didn't realize just how vicariously I was living through my daughter until now. I wanted her to love the sport as much as I did, or at the very least like it enough to do one year of competitive cheering for her school. Not meant to be. She was upset that she even made the team  in the first place, and then, as we ended our youth league season, there was no break and competitive started immediately. Having taken a VERY heartbreaking loss at her final competition I truly thought she would want to keep going.  The schedule was just as busy, 2 hour practices including gymnastics 5 days a week, Saturday practices and competitions twice a week. Getting her to practice was going to be rather difficult, between my work schedule and The Boy's schedule there was going to be a lot of shuffling and running around. So for that, I am grateful I guess. But my dreams of watching her compete at different schools, learning different skills and being that crazy cheer mom in the stands are not to be. Coming to the realization that this was more for me than for her was a very harsh wake up. As much as she hates it- she always gave 100%, and was a GREAT cheerleader. Now it's time for her to be just as great at something else.

Teenzilla is an amazing kid- she is smart, talented and will excel at anything she does. She loves the arts. Music, theater- they are her passion. Now I will follow her lead- look for activities that she truly enjoys- and I will be a crazy theater mom, or whatever.  Her being happy and having fun will be my goals, and I will support her 100%.

So as I fold up all the football and cheer gear, the uniforms, the poms, the med kit and our trophy from last year, I am a little weepy. Silly I know, but once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader.

You are going to LOVE my kid!

Every parent does it- thinks that EVERYONE should love their kid like they do. I mean- MY kid is perfect- YOU should be bowled over by the cuteness, intelligence and all around adorableness that is MY kid!

How could you NOT love this kid?

I am no different.  Maybe I am pushier when it comes to the youngest boy child.When you have a  child with  Autism- you tend to be even pushier than the average parent in pointing out the "normal" things your kid does, trying to make sure people don't focus on his maddening ability to list and describe every, single damn dinosaur discovered as well as their eating habits, when they lived and died etc etc.

What I am trying to get them to focus on is his sweet disposition, his desire to make people happy, his wanting to please parents, teachers, friends and coaches.  He truly is the complete opposite of what most people think autism is like.I call him my little indigo child- I truly believe he has a deeper understanding of human nature - if he doesn't like you- then something is not right with you.  He loves hugging, he talks, he has empathy...and these are all things that kids and adults with autism supposedly aren't capable of doing. Many can't- that is a fact...but there are a lot who are able to show emotion, empathy and talk- and then you get to hear "Well, he doesn't LOOK autistic" comments. Good with the bad, it's how I have to look at things or I will have a stroke.

I was talking with one of the football dads and he said that all of the coaches talk about my boy- in a VERY good way. They all love him, they think he is the sweetest kid and they all want to help him be the best possible football player he can be.  I damn near cried...happy tears.

You see- it is  near impossible to NOT love my boy. And I say that in all seriousness- there is something  about him- people are drawn to him- he is quite adorable (ok- that is mommy braggin here) and if you can get around the stuttering and speaking in movie-ese (as we call it) then you are hooked!

His football coach adores him. And the boy thinks Coach is pretty awesome too. He is always in Coach's bubble, holding his hand ,being very affectionate. And as a football coach- he is striving to maintain the rough, tough demeanor that keep s a group of 35  eight and nine year old boys in line. So he talks to the boy about personal space.  Then the boy goes completely the opposite way and goes as far away as he can. Then Coach says- where ya at Barnsdale? And here he comes...

So now we work with him on ALWAYS being by the coach's side- minus the touching him. Just be there buddy. They all  love you as it is- show them that you wanna play and they will love ya even more. If that is even possible.

The boy's chosen spot. Right next to coach

And this is why I cry in the car sometimes...Damn

Damn

This was at football practice...Friday I believe. Look at the 3 boys in green...ALL looking at my boy- while he stands apart from the pack. *Sigh*  

He IS trying- his coaches are awesome, he goes to long ass practices wearing all of that equipment without a struggle or even a whimper. I am so proud of him- no matter what - he is my MVP and always will be. 

It's pictures like this that drag me back to reality- a reality with Autism- and no matter how much progress he makes- he will always be "different". I celebrate his uniqueness every day- but that is not to say that somewhere deep down ( and sometimes not so deep down) I just wish so bad that he was "normal"

Whatever the fuck normal is anyway...

He has now completed 2 weeks of practice- this is the "make it or quit" stage- and he made it. His scrimmage is next week and the first game is on  September 10th. I know he is third string and won't get much play time (well  he gets a guaranteed 4  plays per half, them's the rules)but I hope that the first game gets him deep down where that passion is- that same passion for dinosaurs he has. He would be absolutely unstoppable at that point!

I posted this quote on my Facebook page, Red Vines and Red Wine the other day:

Never disourage anyone who makes progress, no matter how slow. You cannot do good unless you feel good. When you are serene, relaxed and enthusiastic, you are also more productive, creative and dynamic.  This is something that has been proven time and time again yet we consistently get caught up in the apparent immediacy of our routine and fail to see the forest for the trees. 

Pretty damn profound don't ya think?  Our coaching staff is patient,( oh so patient!) and works hard at making ALL the players feel good.  Today he had a GREAT day...and even though he dropped the watermelon in the watermelon drill- he worked his ass off- got high praise from the coach and led the boys in the end of  practice cheer.  So- no crying  in the car today....let's see what next week brings.

The melon was cracked and slippery- he still got it across the field- and coach was videoing it too!

Football and Autism- can they mix?

After watching the boy practice this last Saturday I totally get why the Mister says it is painful. He seems to be trying so hard- for awhile anyway. Then he hangs back and hides so as not to get picked for certain drills. Drills where they are hitting. He is not a hitter. That would be a good thing under normal circumstances- but when playing football it is kind of a requirement.

He likes to run- he likes the physical exertion of it all- until it's time to hit. Personally I think he should be quarterback- everyone protects the quarterback and they don't have to tackle a whole bunch. But unfortunately he isn't much on throwing the ball, and he is just learning how to read plays... maybe a running back? If he stops running like a girl that is- and then all I can hear in my head is "Run Noah! Run!"  In my best Forrest Gump voice.

Right now-  I truly have to say I am so proud of his effort. We have just begun week 2 and he has yet to complain, has not whined once about getting ready to go- and believe me- getting him ready is an ORDEAL...cup, girdle (full of pads), pants, rib protector, shoulder pads and helmet- it is exhausting just helping him get dressed.

 In the last few years I have been so focused on writing, math, social skills and the like- I was floored the other day when I realized my boy is 9 years old and still cannot tie his shoes.  There have just been more important things to work on.  So now that, along with practicing taking his helmet on and off, snapping it, and wearing his mouth guard- he must learn to tie his shoes. No pressure boy...no pressure.

We had to have our first meeting with the coaching staff and the vice president of our league regarding the boy and his not wearing his mouth guard and keeping his helmet on. It is a safety issue and the coaches are first and foremost concerned with keeping the boys safe. So the vice president tells us he went out and found a lady who started an all autistic kids soccer league.  She gave them some pointers about things to keep the boy going. I was IMPRESSED. They went above and beyond and are wanting to help the boy learn the game, but stay safe. I got a little choked up to be honest- it was a wonderful thing and not something every organization would have done.

So week 2 has begun- and our first scrimmage is in a week. The first real game is in almost 2 weeks.   My little cheerleaders sound like chipmunks, and Teenzilla got a "solo" in her cheer. And the mister just told me the boy has been assigned as a tackle...we'll see how that pans out.

Surviving football- one week at a time

So the boy started little league football this week. To say this is monumental is an understatement. Team sports and autism don't always mix- at least for us thus far. But this week has been amazing for my boy.

Damn he is cute!

My first place girls last year!

Little League Football is GRUELING. 6 days of practice a week- 2.5 hours a day. In the heat. In full football gear (which I need a crash course on getting him in to..what an ordeal!) Top that off with me working 8 hours a day with 3 year olds and then coaching the freshman cheerleaders. Yeah- I am insane- but I love it.

I haven't got to watch a lot  of the boy practicing- getting it all via text from the mister during - since I am alllllll the way at the other end of the practice field with my adorable little cheerleaders. But  I do see him running on occasion and will yell encouragement- but I am not getting to see the bulk of what he is learning.

From what I hear- he is doing o.k  He is woefully out of shape and has not played an organized sport since our soccer debacle 4 years ago.   But hubby says he is taking coaching without shutting down, or quitting, and he does seem to be trying. "Chalk Talk" is apparently not his thing- and he zones out.   But he is still there- participating and developing skills and a sense of accomplishment I hope. And that makes my heart so very happy...

Every day this week- we have gotten home, had a few minutes of down time and then it's get dressed and to the field. He has not complained- he has not said I don't wanna go, he just gets ready and GOES.  And then there is whiny Teenzilla, "I HAAATTTTEEE CHEER!"  and her "team" of clique-y punk ass teen girls which makes me question my motives a hundred times and it is ONLY THE FIRST WEEK!

Today we got stuck in the clubhouse because of thunder and lightning and I had a minute to talk with the head coach... Coach "Z". He said he has hope for Noah- it IS only the first week, and he said he won't pull any punches- if after next week he doesn't feel like Noah is going to be able to hack it- he will tell us. But he also said he thinks Noah is a great kid and has potential- just like the other boys on the team. "Don't worry Coach" he said to me today...and while that is easier said than done - I have to say I do feel a little better.

My biggest worry is if he makes it to the first game- I will be  on the sidelines with my cheerleaders- RIGHT BEHIND THE BOYS! Talk about stress! And the fact that he is SUPPOSED to get 4 plays a half..Goddess help that coaching staff if he doesn't!

But I am getting ahead of myself..let's just see if he makes it to the first game. I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer- but it worries me. He is proud of himself- his dad is over the moon and I think with a little time he will really get this football stuff.  So that alone should get keep him going... pride in himself is the most important thing to me.

Now I just gotta get my mini cheerleaders in shape and keep Teenzilla on track. Oh and drag my ass outta bed at 4:15 A.M. every morning. And still be ON for my kiddos in all the between times.

Damn- there are still  9 weeks left.....I need a glass of wine and a nap.

10 Things Your Student with Autism Wants You to Know

Football starts today. Which means school starts in two weeks... the boy will be starting in a fully mainstreamed 4th grade class in a NEW school. I am more than a little nervous- about all of it.  So I re-read Ten Things Your Student with Autism Wishes You Knew by Ellen Notbohm. I made my own comments on some of the points.  I WILL be gifting this book to his new teacher. Let's hope this one reads it. ( His first teacher in kindergarten didn't even crack it open)  Here are the main points of the book.


1.Behavior is communication.  All behavior occurs for a reason.  It tells you, even when my words can’t, how I perceive what is happening around me. Negative behavior interferes with my learning process.  But merely interrupting these behaviors is not enough; teach me to exchange these behaviors with proper alternatives so that real learning can flow.


There is no more meaningful statement than this. ALL children communicate through their behavior. 

Start by believing this: I truly do want to learn to interact appropriately. No child wants the negative feedback we get from “bad” behavior. Negative behavior usually means I am overwhelmed by disordered sensory systems, cannot communicate my wants or needs or don’t understand what is expected of me. Look beyond the behavior to find the source of my resistance.  Keep notes as to what happened immediately before the behavior: people involved, time of day, activities, settings.  Over time, a pattern may emerge.

The boy DOES want to learn! He doesn't want anyone to be mad at him- and he hates not knowing what people want and he can't understand.

2. Never assume anything.  Without factual backup, an assumption is only a guess. I may not know or understand the rules.  I may have heard the instructions but not understood them.  Maybe I knew it yesterday but can’t retrieve it today. Ask yourself:

Are you sure I really know how to do what is being asked of me? If I suddenly need to run to the bathroom every time I’m asked to do a math sheet, maybe I don’t know how or fear my effort will not be good enough. Stick with me through enough repetitions of the task to where I feel competent. I may need more practice to master tasks than other kids.

Are you sure I actually know the rules? Do I understand the reason for the rule (safety, economy, health)? Am I breaking the rule because there is an underlying cause? Maybe I pinched a snack out of my lunch bag early because I was worried about finishing my science project, didn’t eat breakfast and am now famished.

Remember- when you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME.

3. Look for sensory issues first. A lot of my resistant behaviors come from sensory discomfort.  One example is fluorescent lighting, which has been shown over and over again to be a major problem for children like me. The hum it produces is very disturbing to my hypersensitive hearing, and the pulsing nature of the light can distort my visual perception, making objects in the room appear to be in constant movement. An incandescent lamp on my desk will reduce the flickering, as will the new, natural light tubes. 

Or maybe I need to sit closer to you; I don’t understand what you are saying because there are too many noises “in between” – that lawnmower outside the window, Jasmine whispering to Tanya, chairs scraping, pencil sharpener grinding. 

Ask the school occupational therapist for sensory-friendly ideas for the classroom. It’s actually good for all kids, not just me.

Ahhh..the lovely sensory issues

4. Provide me a break to allow for self-regulation before I need it. A quiet, carpeted corner of the room with some pillows, books and headphones allows me a place to go to re-group when I feel overwhelmed, but isn’t so far physically removed that I won’t be able to rejoin the activity flow of the classroom smoothly.

A "break" after the meltdown means NOTHING. The break is before the storm to prevent the resulting meltdown from too much stimuli.  

5. Tell me what you want me to do in the positive rather than the imperative. “You left a mess by the sink!” is merely a statement of fact to me.  I’m not able to infer that what you really mean is “Please rinse out your paint cup and put the paper towels in the trash.”  Don’t make me guess or have to figure out what I should do.

BLACK AND WHITE!! CONCRETE TERMS!! LEARN IT- LIVE IT!!

6. Keep your expectations reasonable. That all-school assembly with hundreds of kids packed into bleachers and some guy droning on about the candy sale is uncomfortable and meaningless to me.  Maybe I’d be better off helping the school secretary put together the newsletter.

Forcing him to do something that might be downright painful for him is not helping!! 

7. Help me transition between activities. It takes me a little longer to motor plan moving from one activity to the next.  Give me a five-minute warning and a two-minute warning before an activity changes – and build a few extra minutes in on your end to compensate.  A simple clock face or timer on my desk gives me a visual cue as to the time of the next transition and helps me handle it more independently. 

This is SO important- transitions using a picture or written schedule, a bell or other sound are imperative 

8. Don’t make a bad situation worse. I know that even though you are a mature adult, you can sometimes make bad decisions in the heat of the moment. I truly don’t mean to melt down, show anger or otherwise disrupt your classroom. You can help me get over it more quickly by not responding with inflammatory behavior of your own. Beware of these responses that prolong rather than resolve a crisis:

·        Raising pitch or volume of your voice.  I hear the yelling   and  shrieking, but not the words.

·       Mocking or mimicking me.  Sarcasm, insults or name-calling will not embarrass me out of the behavior.

·        Making unsubstantiated accusations.

·        Invoking a double standard.

·        Comparing me to a sibling or other student.

·        Bringing up previous or unrelated events.

·        Lumping me into a general category (“kids like you are all the same”).

All of these are cruel and counterproductive for ANY child

9. Criticize gently.  Be honest – how good are you at accepting “constructive” criticism?  The maturity and self-confidence to be able to do that may be light years beyond my abilities right now. Should you never correct me? Of course not. But do it kindly, so that I actually hear you.

• Please!  Never, ever try to impose discipline or correction when I am angry, distraught, overstimulated, shut down, anxious or otherwise emotionally unable to interact with you.

• Again, remember that I will react as much, if not more, to the qualities of your voice than to the actual words. I will hear the shouting and the annoyance, but I will not understand the words and therefore will not be able to figure out what I did wrong. Speak in low tones and lower your body as well, so that you are communicating on my level rather than towering over me.

• Help me understand the inappropriate behavior in a supportive, problem-solving way rather than punishing or scolding me. Help me pin down the feelings that triggered the behavior. I may say I was angry but maybe I was afraid, frustrated, sad or jealous. Probe beyond my first response.

• Practice or role-play – show me—a better way to handle the situation next time.  A storyboard, photo essay or social story helps.  Expect to role-play lots over time. There are no one-time fixes.  And when I do get it right “next time,” tell me right away.

• It helps me if you yourself are modeling proper behavior for responding to criticism.

10. Offer real choices – and only real choices.  Don’t offer me a choice or ask a “Do you want…?” question unless are willing to accept no for an answer. “No” may be my honest answer to “Do you want to read out loud now?” or “Would you like to share paints with William?” It’s hard for me to trust you when choices are not really choices at all.

You take for granted the amazing number of choices you have on a daily basis. You constantly choose one option over others knowing that both having choices and being able to choose provides you control over your life and future. For me, choices are much more limited, which is why it can be harder to feel confident about myself.  Providing me with frequent choices helps me become more actively engaged in everyday life.

• Whenever possible, offer a choice within a ‘have-to’. Rather than saying: “Write your name and the date on the top of the page,” say: “Would you like to write your name first, or would you like to write the date first?” or “Which would you like to write first, letters or numbers?”  Follow by showing me:  “See how Jason is writing his name on his paper?”

• Giving me choices helps me learn appropriate behavior, but I also need to understand that there will be times when you can’t.  When this happens, I won’t get as frustrated if I understand why:

1. “I can’t give you a choice in this situation because it is dangerous. You might get hurt.”

2. “I can’t give you that choice because it would be bad for Danny” (have negative effect on another child).

3. “I give you lots of choices but this time it needs to be an adult choice.”

The last word:  believe.  That car guy Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you are usually right.” Believe that you can make a difference for me.  It requires accommodation and adaptation, but autism is an open-ended disability.  There are no inherent upper limits on achievement. I can sense far more than I can communicate, and the number one thing I can sense is whether or not you think I “can do it.”  Expect more and you will get more. Encourage me to be everything I can be, so that I can stay the course long after I’ve left your classroom.

I hope you will share this blog- it is my goal to help as many parents dealing with this back to school thing as I can!