Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Just wanting to fit in





Watching The Boy try so damn hard to make connections, belong, and fit in is physically painful for me. When he was younger, I could step in, help guide him. Now that he is older, playing football and being increasingly involved in peer to peer social situations that don't always involve an adult presence, I fear these differences are going to isolate him and batter his self esteem. To other's he is sometimes "weird" and "annoying". But he is only doing the best he can do in what must feel like an alien world.


Football is my way of trying to help him to belong. It's not his passion, and it is evident on the field. He does try, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't LOVE it. Dad and I have told him REPEATEDLY and emphatically that if he doesn't want to do it- it's FINE! We won't be disappointed, mad or even upset. Getting a kid on the spectrum to try new things, and step away from the video games is like pulling teeth. Just the simple fact he completed the whole season last year and is attempting another year is absolutely amazing, and awesome and I couldn't be happier! But I don't want it for me, I want him to want it. And if he doesn't, well, OK then, let's step away and find something else. But he insists he wants to play, promises to do better and it breaks my heart. Because no matter what he tries, no matter where his niche is, be it sports, music, art, WHATEVER- I am proud of any effort. And the last thing I want is for him to feel that if he doesn't do it I will feel like he failed.


I read all sorts of uplifting articles, "Teen with autism wanting to get fit finds success on football field", "Autistic football player an inspiration to many", "Autistic football player’s dream comes true" All very uplifting, inspiring stories. I love to hear these success stories, but have accepted that The Boy will probably not go that far, at least in football. But the last thing I want him to be is a "mascot" or a charity case, or a way to make an organization look good. "Look at us, we have an autistic player, aren't we great". Give him a chance, coach him, treat him like the rest of the players, INCLUDE HIM, and help the other players and coaches understand him. He will probably never score the winning touchdown, or maybe he will. The only way to know for sure is to give him that chance.


Every parent of every child has their own dream for that child. My dream is inclusion. I want my son to FEEL included. I want him to FEEL like he is valued and there is a place for him. So as long as he is making it to practice every day and putting in effort, I will expect the coach to FIND that place for him. Doing anything less is doing The Boy a disservice. I will never try and tell you how to coach football. I will tell you how I think you can coach The Boy, and how it can help not just you, but your team as a whole. At this level, every player is valuable and there is a place for them all.
























6 comments:

  1. As a parent of a 9-year-old boy living with autism, I feel ya. The fact that you did get him off the video games and outside in a sport is awesome! Mine has tried it all and so far is loving Taekwondo, for many reasons, but now I feel jinxed that I just said that and I may need to knock on some wood! I just tell him every time I watch him how much I love just watching him have fun. No pressure. And he tries. That's all anyone can ask. I worry about the inclusion thing too, and every time I see a kid talking with my B and then I see my B just outta the blue ramble on about some insect fact or Dragonball Z character, I cringe when I see the peer cringe. But he also has friends that think he's the neatest little fact-teller ever. Good luck and I look forward to your posts.

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  2. A friend of mine has a little boy with autism, so I'm learning more about it through her experiences. I will pass this on to her as sure she would like to read about your experiences.
    New follower via TGIF blog hop x

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  3. I believe there is a place for all the kids, too, not merely as mascots or shows of kindness worked, but because youth team sports are youth team sports . . . and that's what they're for, to build teams. Not any individual's ego.

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  4. I am so glad I found you on SITS today! I couldn't agree more, I have a hard time getting my son off the computer or xbox. I really need to find something outside his room to get him interested in.

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  5. As a parent I can completely relate to wanting your child to succeed and how hard it is to watch and wait for that to happen. I hope the coach listens to you!

    I found you on the TGIF Blog Hop!

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  6. Just reading this I can tell that you are one awesome, loving, caring mother. We all want our child to have the best lives no matter their challenges, I hope all goes well with this! I have these fears with my own children, sometimes I wish I didn't care so much!
    Found you on the Blog Hop, so very nice to meet you.

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