Showing posts with label Autism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Autism. Show all posts

Friday, May 9, 2014

Mother's Day...Get it together family!




Mother's Day. A day to honor the person who gave you life, the person who knows where everything is all of the time, the person who selflessly gives up so many things to make sure her family is happy, safe and feels loved. But flip that coin, and you can get a bitchy side. And I fully embrace my ungrateful, whiny, bitchy side when it comes to this day. For years, I smiled and gushed about how I loved the homemade gifts and home burnt, I mean, cooked breakfasts. I truly cherished any effort made to make this one day a year special. But as my kiddos have gotten older, I have noticed there is no thought, no pizzazz, no EFFORT in doing something special for me on MY day.

I am my family's EVERYTHING- as most mom's are. I am the cook, maid, chauffeur, doctor, lawyer, teacher, warden, confidant, laundress, advocate and cheerleader. I go to every meeting, school function, concert, play, you name it, I do it. I know right where that shirt you NEED is, and I will stay up late to wash it too. I do all of these things and so many more, and I do it because I love them with every fiber in my body, they are my sun and my moon, forever.


They know what I want on this ONE day to honor me. I like quiet. No video games or sports (unless I choose one of them) playing on the TV. No laundry or cleaning. No fighting among kids. Maybe take me out to breakfast or brunch. Or let me stay in bed all day if I choose with NO INTERRUPTIONS. Make me a mimosa. Or three. A day trip to the spa- now you're talking. But I most definitely do not want:


1)A burnt, partially cold breakfast in bed. First you woke me up. Second, you made a huge mess. Third- I don't like eating in bed. The flower/weed from the yard does not pretty up this disaster. So thanks, but no thanks.


2) Asking me the day before what I want. If you haven't at least THOUGHT about Mother's Day prior to the day before- just forget it.


3) Anything that implies household chores. Vacuums, pots and pans, a 50's style apron. Nope, nope and nope. Save that shit for birthday and Christmas.


4) Jewelry. Yeah- you heard me. I wear my wedding ring, occasionally earrings if I can find a matched pair. But I don't need or want anything else. Now- get my wedding ring cleaned- that would be appreciated.






I would enjoy a day of chillin with the kids- binge watching something on Netflix, taking random naps- and not being responsible for anyone's meals, laundry, or have to play referee. Don't ask what needs to be done- just do it. Don't make snippy remarks to antagonize someone, and don't be sarcastic with The Boy who doesn't get it anyway, and ends up in meltdown mode. Don't ask me where ANYTHING is (unless it is my empty wine glass- I will be happy to point you in that direction) and don't begrudge me MY day. I love you all, and am grateful to have such a beautiful,wonderful family. Me getting a day "off" won't change any of that.
And please- don't forget- this is my 12th Mother's Day without my own mom. I miss her every day. This day is one of the hardest. I might be kind of weepy. Don't ask questions, and don't make a big deal of it if I burst into tears and run upstairs. It will pass. Just have another glass of wine waiting when I return- and everything will be just fine.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Screw you Daylight Savings Time!




It's that time of year, the time when we "spring forward" and gain extra daylight, anticipate the arrival of spring and most importantly LOSE AN HOUR OF SLEEP! In an autism household- sleep is a precious commodity, one that is horded like fine jewels or our favorite wine.  Nighttime wanderings, odd sleep schedules and the like is something that most parents with kids on the spectrum endure. Melatonin is the Autism parent's best friend. But when those clocks change-  at either time of the year- it can send our kids into a tailspin that can take a while to recover from.

The Boy, like most autistic children, NEEDS structure and routine. He doesn't like abrupt changes in plans, although as he gets older that seems to be getting a little better.  But when things don't go as they should- in his mind anyway- it is prime time for massive frustration, irritability and possible meltdowns. The time change   is not just an inconvenient part of life for him. Having extra daylight means absolutely nothing to him. The clock on the wall and his internal clock are now different. While his body (and the Melatonin) are telling him one thing- his dad and I are telling him something different- and it messes him up. 

In years past- the time change has been a source of agitation for the whole family. We have to adjust dinner time, medicine time and try to ensure that the first day of the time change he is resting, relaxing and hopefully prepared the following morning for school.  I can't count how many all nighters we pulled (melatonin and Clonidine would get him to dreamland, but would not keep him there.) He was moody, over tired, and not a joy to be around at all. Our lack of sleep made us just as irritable, and of course that made life just all around miserable for everyone. 

This year, like every other year, we will spend Sunday just relaxing, keeping things quiet and make the adjustments that are needed as unobtrusively as possible. This may help, it may not. Monday is also a delayed start at school, so that may help. 

That doesn't mean that the anxious knot in my belly is getting any better. And all of the worse case scenarios are playing on a loop through my sleepless mind. Not like I don't have enough to keep me awake at night, like the impending IEP, some odd behaviors we have been seeing lately, my work, my school...the list goes on. 

I hope that we have an easy transition like we had 2 years ago, and even last year wasn't the worst. We prepare for WWIII at all holidays, family gatherings, family outings and yes for Daylight Savings Time.  Prepare for the worst, hope for the best- my life's motto. 

I think that maturity plays into all of this, and the older he gets, the better he handles unexpected (or even expected) change. He lives by his calendar, and announces any and all holidays on it. So he is aware of DST, and aware we all lose an hour of sleep. And so far, nothing negative. 

Now if only Mother Nature would cooperate, and stop with this polar vortex and snow crap- then we could truly feel like "springing" into anything. 



Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Year's Resolutions are for idealistic hipsters....








It's that time of year again. The time when we all tell ourselves (and everyone within earshot) just how dramatically our life is about to change. Of course it is. Of course we do. Just like we did the last twenty New Year’s eves. And how well did all of THOSE turn out? Many of us are fantastic resolution makers. Beyond that, not so good. The making, good. The doing, not so good.


January is the "official" start time for change. A new year, a new you and all that jazz-you know the story. But if you really think about it- shouldn't you be making changes all year long? Why the hell are you waiting till the end of the year or the start of a new year? If your life was screwed up before 12/31, its going to be screwed up going into the new year. "But this year will be different!" you are probably saying or thinking as you read this. I truly wish you the best of luck with that. I know for myself- making a "resolution" is basically setting myself up for failure- because NOBODY holds me to higher standards than me- so when I fail- I fail HARD.




Let's count my resolution failures shall we?

1) Years 2002-2010- Going to lose weight and get into shape and eat better (even joined a gym for 5 of those years- have you seen my fat ass?)

2) Years 2005-2010- Going to quit smoking (quit for 6 months in '06, and again for 4 months in '08. The rest of the year's, maybe quit for a couple of weeks maybe a month)

3) Years 2001- 2010- Going to stop "sweating the small stuff" (OK- I have relaxed a little more over the years)

4) Years 2001-2010- Going to work with my hubby to make and stick to a budget (We try, all year round- getting better, but still not there)




So yeah- the biggest resolutions most people make, are my biggest failures.Damn. It's kind of depressing. I have come to the realization that if you make a resolution you might as well throw a penny in a fountain and make a wish. It’s the same hopeful optimism that drives both activities. No "resolution" will work unless you have formulated a plan- written it down and gave yourself reasonable time to complete it. And I repeat- why didn't you (or I) do this earlier in the year? I have needed to lose weight ALL YEAR. I have needed to quit smoking ALL YEAR. I have needed to save money and take better control of my finances ALL YEAR. The changing of the calendar after drinking, eating and smoking to my heart's content is not magical in itself. If only! Then we would all be thin beautiful, rich non smokers and there would be peace on Earth yadda yadda yadda.


If I am going to try to better myself, I should be doing it year-round. It should be a constant goal, not something marked on a calendar. I know that these things need to start at some point, and what I need to do. I also know that falling on my ass and looking like a total schmuck and then beating myself up over my dismal failure is not a good strategy.


So despite an abysmal track record and a vast wasteland of shattered dreams, we continue to approach every New Year the same way; with the same pointless strategy. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? So that must mean that a whole bunch of us are off our nut insane because that’s exactly what we do.


2013 hasn't been a horrible year- of course we had our setbacks, but there was a lot of good too. I'm still in school, The Mister is 3 classes away from his Bachelor's Degree (I am a year out- but hey almost there!), I got an amazing job as lead teacher and director of a great preschool, The Boy went away to camp for a week and we both survived, Teenzilla shaved her head for St. Baldrick's, (still blown away by that!) I got to meet Mary Tyler Mom at the shaving event- that was fantastic! I was a very loud advocate for The Boy and spread autism awareness like fairy dust all year, I got to watch a beautiful woman realize the dream of becoming a mom, to TWINS- I Want a Dumpster Baby has been a source of many smiles and happiness for me this year! I am pretty happy with 2013 for the most part, and look forward to a productive 2014.

I won't be making one single solitary resolution though. With the exception of those born on January 1, none of us are actually a full year older on New Year’s day. I challenge challenge everyone today to stop looking at the new year as a means to an end and to start looking at every moment as an opportunity for a new beginning. So eat, drink and be merry ,and just be just realistic, thankful, and hopeful.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

The holiDAZE with Autism

Making him take pictures- not my best idea


The HoliDAZE and Autism... two things that don't often mix well. The rushing, the loud music, the winter clothes, the crowds,  and new foods can all be a sensory NIGHTMARE for the child with Autism. Meltdowns are more likely to happen during this time of year- and with all of the other things going on it is VERY easy as a parent to get overwhelmed ourselves. So here are some things that we have found helps us out this crazy time of year...and being blessed with a child who has High Functioning Autism, we have it easier than some folks. But these tips can be helpful for ANY child and frazzled parent. So here goes...


1)This time of year is filled with meeting new people and the social stresses of being polite, and thanking people for gifts can put a BIG strain on a kiddo on the spectrum. Social stories are AMAZING helpers - but so is a willingness as parents to be understanding, TRY and limit interactions that involve a lot of new people and settings.  Don't do too much on any one day, if possible- limit things to one event a day. And if at all possible- try to entertain at your house- this gives your child a safe environment where expectations are  understood.


2)Schedules tend to change A LOT this time of year. And as I am sure any parent of an autistic child will tell you, schedules and predictability are VITAL in keeping the peace. Try and keep the daily schedule as close to "normal" as possible. Have a chill out time if you can. Try and include (if and when appropriate) your kiddos in the process. Put events on a calendar just for them- then remind them as time gets closer- it helps to take the mystery out of something new- as they can get ready by watching the count down. Each morning, share that day's schedule with the kids, and only that day's schedule. Don't worry about tomorrow or next week.  Again- SOCIAL STORIES!! Can't say enough about them!

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3)Sensory issues during the holidays - where to begin? New foods, new textures, new sounds....it can be a veritable mine field for a autistic child.  Some things that might help are Keep clothes soft and comfortable,( this is particularly hard for me as I am the "Let's get dressed up" mom). Serve a favorite at meals, or have them eat before. This is a cardinal rule in our house- nothing worse than a hungry kid -ANY kid. Don't force hello's and goodbyes- this is a chaotic time with a lot going on- forcing the issue is NOT in anyone's best interest!  Crowded malls bring out the worst in people- imagine not having the ability to filter all of the noise, touching, lights and loud people- you would meltdown too!! Try and shop without then kid - you will BOTH be better off!  

4) Make sure family and friends are well informed about your child's "quirks". What might be mistaken as obnoxious or rude behavior is more than likely just a part of your autistic child's personality. Seeing the world in black and white can be a blessing and a curse. Especially around the holidays when we might be interacting with people that we don't see often, and who may not always be on our top 10 list. Make sure guests are aware that your kid may need a break- and they are walking away without answering because they feel overwhelmed, not because they are being a brat. Or (especially in our house) the kiddo answering a question or engaging in conversation that is COMPLETELY about dinosaurs- just smile and nod- we will take care of it when it seems to be out of control. Remember, they want to be involved too- but if you ask a lot of questions that is usually a sure way to shut them down. Also- processing time is usually longer, so be patient and wait for your answer!  

5)Find ways that your kid can help to make the holidays their own. Baking, decorating, setting the table, helping with Christmas cards- be as creative as you can. This is an amazing tradition builder as well as making Christmas with Autism a good time for all. 

6) And please don't forget about US. As parents to a kiddo on the spectrum, we spend a great deal of our time keeping schedules, trying to make sure  other siblings aren't losing out on things they like as well, school issues, friend issues,  and the holiDAZE are no exception. We don't get to enjoy holiday functions and family gatherings, probably because we are trying to keep the kiddo on an even keel,so most times we just don't get to go at all. We get a little stressed, overwhelmed and lonely too. Stop by with some of those cookies the whole family got together to make- you know- that fun event we decided not to attend because our ASD kiddo is all over the place, meltdown conditions are high, and the time of evening it is at is NOT the best time for him.  Please don't assume that just because he is older, he is "better." Not how it works. For us- early signs of puberty are starting- so now we have a whole new set of challenges. Everybody is dealing with their own challenges with autism and the holiDAZE- just remember- be patient, and be kind. We really appreciate it. 

So whether it is a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah,  Happy Kwanzaa, Blessed Yule or Merry Jar of Dirt for you- I hope some of these will help.   And please- by all means wish me a Happy/Merry/Blessed  whatever- I promise not to be offended.... I will be happy you took a minute to say something nice to me. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

PARENTS!!! What do you know about Common Core?

*WARNING* LONG POST- BUT IMPORTANT FOR PARENTS TO READ!!!!


First of all- let me give you a brief overview of what (we are being told) Common Core is:

The Common Core State Standards provide a consistent, clear understanding of what students are expected to learn, so teachers and parents know what they need to do to help them. The standards are designed to be robust and relevant to the real world, reflecting the knowledge and skills that our young people need for success in college and careers. With American students fully prepared for the future, our communities will be best positioned to compete successfully in the global economy.http://www.corestandards.org/)


OK- sounds great, right? We all know that our education system needs to reflect the world's demands and to be relevant and successful in a global economy, right?   And thanks to No Child Left Behind- we are on our way- and Common Core is just another step to achieve these goals. 

WAIT! 
No Child Left Behind was an abysmal failure.  Underfunded, poorly administrated, it concentrated on TEACHER performance and test taking. It didn't address the very real issues of poverty, special education, overcrowded classrooms and frustrated teachers.  Schools were expected to meet AYP (annual yearly progress) with no consideration of circumstances that would affect this progress that was beyond teacher and school district control. 

Common Core State Standards (CCSS)  were developed by an organization called Achieve and the National Governors Association, both of which were generously funded by the Gates Foundation. Yes- Bill and Melinda Gates, There was little, if any  public engagement in the development of the Common Core.

This was not a grassroots initiative, nor did the ideas come from the states or from TEACHERS (who are the real innovators and push change in education). ​In fact, it was well understood by states that they would not be eligible for Race to the Top funding ($4.35 billion) unless they adopted the Common Core standards. (Education historian Diane Ravitch) So under threat of lost funding, something a majority of public schools cannot exist without- this set of fundamentally flawed, UNTESTED standards were rammed through -now in 46 states.

In the interest of looking at both sides- I can say one positive thing about CCSS. The small percentage of children who happen to move state to state won’t have to worry about getting caught up or being too far ahead of their new peers. The standards will be aligned in all of the states that have adopted them. Whoopty friggin do.

Let's talk about  developmental appropriateness. The developers and  promoters of the standards claim they are based in research. This is a lie.  For example, there is no convincing research showing that certain skills or bits of knowledge (such as counting to 100 or being able to read a certain number of words) if mastered in kindergarten will lead to later success in school. Two recent studies, one from a lab at MIT and another from U.C Berkeley  show that direct instruction can actually limit young children’s learning. At best, the standards reflect guesswork, not cognitive or developmental science. Children cannot run before they can crawl- it's as simple as that.

Teaching a child how to think critically is important- of course. But years and years of research and studies and child development models and theories have shown that their brains MUST be developed enough to even take on the kinds of things CCSS is expecting.

Take ELA in Kindergarten. These 5-6 year old children are to be writing persuasive arguments. When do they learn sentence structure, grammar, punctuation, and most importantly at that young age, spelling? Sight words, counting and following directions are an integral part of the kindergarten day. Writing persuasive sentences as to why they do not want to eat their vegetables is not.

ELA is to be included in science and social studies- which in an of itself is not a problem. Cross-curricular teaching is a great way to reinforce topics. But- instead of reading classic literature by authors such as Twain, Dickens, Steinbeck, Paterson, Hinton and many  more, kids will be expected to read "informational text". Currently a 50-50 split, but looking to go 70-30 by the high school years. Informational text is an important thing to learn, sure, but the emphasis on informational text over literature is ridiculous. 

Let's take a look at the math standards under CCSS. Many of these standards require that students are  able to explain why a particular procedure works. Not inherently bad, but confusing as hell.  It's not enough for a student to be able to divide one fraction by another. They must also "use the relationship between multiplication and division to explain that (2/3) ÷ (3/4) = 8/9, because 3/4 of 8/9 is 2/3."  Forcing this higher level mathematical thinking on young children when they are not ready to learn it yet is counterproductive!  Mathematics Professor R. James Milgram of Stanford University, the only mathematician on the Validation Committee, refused to sign off on the math standards, "because they would put many students two years behind those of many high-achieving countries." For example, Algebra 1 would be taught in 9th grade, not 8th grade for many students, making calculus inaccessible to them in high school. The quality of the standards is low and not internationally benchmarked.

Now, let's look at CCSS and Special Education. Holding students, such as mine to a higher standard is also not a "bad" thing. When a student (like mine) was never given the opportunity in elementary school to learn what they are now doing in the 6th grade, when I was told he CAN'T learn (utter bullshit BTW) is subjected to these standards you know what happens?? A vicious cycle of test re-takes, misunderstood assignments, frustration, tears,and  increased anxiety. These are the things that I have to watch my child go through.  

Because CCSS standardizes all learning, it ignores any variables to the unique learning styles of the individual child. The thinking patterns of individuals with ASD are extremely different from the way in which neurotypical people think. Because of this, too much emphasis is placed on what they ‘can’t do.’ While impairments and challenges do exist, greater progress can be made teaching these individuals when parents and teachers work on building the child’s strengths and teach in a manner that is aligned with their basic pattern of thinking. Thinking in pictures, patterns, words and visually are hallmarks of the autistic mind. As Temple Grandin said, "The word thinker may be poor at drawing but have a huge memory for facts such as sports statistics or film stars." Or in The Boy's case- dinosaurs. Yet he has to consistently DRAW pictures for standards bases assessments- setting him up for failure. Common Core State Standards are untested, biased, inferior, and  detrimental to children with Autism, Dyslexia, ADD, ADHD and other alternate thinking and learning minds. 

If teachers asked themselves "Are students, all students, but especially students with disabilities, being given an ‘appropriate’ education with Common Core State Standards?"  I would fall over if any actually said "Yes."  Because they are NOT.  And when a teacher tells me "Either we use a pass/fail grading system in ELA or he just fails" my faith in educators is even more shaken than before.  

 How many parents are aware of The State Longitudinal Database System (SLDS) or the P20? Have you even heard these terms before? The SLDS,  is a comprehensive database compiled on each child, teacher and parent. This data is not aggregate data, it is linked specifically to the child. MY child. YOUR child. This data will follow the child through to their adult years into the workforce.  Sounds like something straight out of an Orwell novel doesn't it?  According to the United States Department of Labor, this SLDS will “Enable workforce data to be matched with education data to ultimately create longitudinal data systems with individual-level information beginning with pre-kindergarten through post-secondary schooling all the way through entry and sustained participation in the workforce and employment services system.”  This means that the public schools will be supplying the U.S. government a digital record of our children's statistics, aggregate information down to personality traits starting in kindergarten all the way through high school. And the President is already talking about an Early Learning initiative that will affect our PRESCHOOL AGE CHILDREN! 

 AND- are you sitting down for this? ALL of this data can be shared with just about anyone without parental consent thanks to the president's revisions to FERPA in 2011. Under this revision there are several different ways that all of your child's information can be shared- WITH JUST ABOUT ANYONE.  Scared yet?? If you weren't worried about the "rigorous" , developmentally inappropriate educational goals being set for your kids- how does having your kid's (and your) entire history, such as health conditions, parent voting status and political affiliations, blood type, religion, etc. make you feel? Teachers and administrators can also add notes about personality, effort and any other information they want to add. And all of this is available to just about ANYONE- without YOU consenting or hell, even KNOWING about it.  How about the use of physical devices that are slated to be used? Facial expression cameras, "posture analysis seat," "pressure mouse," and "wireless skin conductance sensor?"  These are propsed by the DOE- and you can actually see pictures of them in their February 2013 report! How's that for Orwellian? 

This invasion of privacy makes the NSA spying look like a game. Our children, that we do anything to protect, are now under the watchful eye of the U.S. Government. You have seen the news about conservative groups being targeted by the IRS, right? How about a child from a conservative family? Or a child from a liberal family, or a family who embraces an alternate religion? How will they be pigeonholed in school? What are the ramifications of this data collection on our children when they grow up and enter the workforce?  I don't know about you, but this literally makes me sick to my stomach. 

It is our job as parents to protect our children and demand they not be a part of  giant data collection project that will collect personal information and then sell it to for profit corporations. I don't know about you- but I question how the hell selling my child's personal information to corporations has any bearing on  how and what they learn? Do you really want your child TRACKED from the cradle to the grave? I would be willing to bet the answer is a resounding HELL NO! 

Parents- your voice, your input is being systematically eliminated from your child's education.  Teachers are leaving their profession because they cannot bear to "teach" in this manner. Children are anxious, overwhelmed and stressed. Parents assume that because the word "reform" is attached to all of this that it is all good.

A one size fits all attempt to standardize every school in the country is WRONG. Corporations have no business in our schools. Stand up to intrusive, doomed to fail government education "reform". Learn all you can about Common Core practices and learn about Opt Out options. This is not the future of education- it's the destruction of it.









Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Autism and Middle School- OH MY!





Starting the new school year can be tough on any kiddo. Transitioning to middle school is probably one of the biggest anxiety inducing transitions! Now- let's throw autism into the mix, and the challenges become more intense. Kids with autism usually have struggles with things changing, and a new school year is chock full of changes. New schedules and routines to get used to. New teachers, finding classrooms, finding lockers, having gym EVERY SINGLE DAY (is that just me?) , new educational and behavioral expectations, new rules for 7 DIFFERENT CLASSES!! Anxiety and stress are at maximum levels, meltdown probability  at 99-100%. PLEASEDONTLETITHAPPENATSCHOOL! ( I am already freaking out.)

On top of everything else- the change of seasons affects our kiddos, especially those who are very sensitive to certain types of clothing. School shopping has to be an exact science- but we all know it never is.  Middle school also means much less outdoor energy release, and much more indoor, have to sit, listen, and cope.  Gym (as much as I dread it) will be The Boy's only physical release opportunity- which sounds great- but gym is his least favorite class.  I am not counting on it to be a good way for him to get the much needed movement and exercise he needs to regroup. (Freaking out more now)


Although I try to keep bedtimes consistent throughout summer- it is a losing battle.  Not only will I have to get him adjusted to regular bedtimes again- he will have to get up earlier, eat, take his meds, get dressed and get ready- probably with ZERO TV time.... (I am seriously starting to hyperventilate).

Once they are at school, the sounds, sights, smells are all new stimuli that is very likely to put sensitive sensory systems into hyperdrive. (I need a drink).

What about the teachers that don't know how to work with an autistic kid?  We have had meetings, made sure a "Meet The Boy" letter was circulated, not to mention the numerous calls, and emails over the summer with concerns. But how is that all going to work out the first day, week, month?  (Somebody get me a glass of wine)

Yes, there are some positives, The Boy doesn't care about a new backpack, isn't too concerned with clothes, and will more than likely do well once he learns his schedule and that daily routine is established.  (Feeling a little calmer-maybe)

I wish I could say that the elementary school has well prepared him for the changes that are coming.  Working with him over the summer- I hope to have got him somewhat caught up- since he was never challenged in elementary school. Educational anxiety is the last thing he needs.... (PITA mom gearing up)

So here are are some things I have thought of- this is by no means everything, so  please comment with your tips and hints!  We have to stick together! 


Good Luck to us all!!!







Prepare yourself!!! A calm mom and dad are better able to help a child create a smooth back to school transition. 



Find or create social stories to help your child with any concerns about getting ready for and going to school. (Yes- even for Tweens and Teens!)


Re-set their internal clock! Early to bed, early to rise. (This will probably not earn you any points if you have a late sleeper- but we all know how erratic our ASD kiddos sleep patterns can be!)

Get a list of school supplies and put together a backpack WITH your child! They may have old favorites from the previous year- incorporate those if possible.  



Let your child pick out their outfit (with guidance if necessary), and lay it out the night before. By both of you working together to pick an outfit the night before, anxieties about “what will I wear” are reduced. Additionally, having the outfit picked out the night before speeds up getting out the door the next day.  (Tweens and Teens on the spectrum want to be cool and fit in, let them help with the clothes shopping!)

Put yourself out there! Make it clear to teachers and administration that you are available to answer questions and provide support for your kiddo. Make sure they have your phone number and email address and encourage them to use it!!  Be polite, but be firm, this is your kiddos education and you take it seriously, and you expect no less from the school.

Have confidence in your child’s abilities. They are smart,capable, and ready to learn, if given the right environment and right tools. Help make sure they have these tools and they will be the best they can be! 

WINE. LOTS OF WINE.




HERE ARE SOME TIPS FROM READERS AT Red Vines and Red Wine on Facebook




Jennifer R:  Make appointments with teachers/principal and get them into the school as many times as possible for an easy transition.


Lauren W: Don't wait till the first day to introduce new school shoes!!!! It takes mine about 2 weeks to like new shoes!!! Lol

Jess M: start talking about the coming changes and getting the routine started it will make it sooo much smoother to transition





Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Going to the pool with Autism

I am that mom at the pool,  the one who rarely takes her eyes off her kid, even though he is 11 and can swim. The one who seems extra nervous and calls her son over frequently, trying not to draw too much attention.  What you don't hear is me reminding him to respect personal space, not to be too rough, not to grab or splash if he's been asked not to do so, or to just chill out.  



I am the mom who worries about what the other kids are saying to him, and his reaction- moving around pool side depending on where he is at,  making me look like the "helicopter mom" that can't leave her kid alone. What you may not understand is that my son's "quirks" and misunderstanding of social cues can make  him a target for ridicule. Even good- natured teasing will confuse him, causing him to get upset and could cause a meltdown.

I am the mom that is on high alert, because my son gravitates towards kids much younger than he is. An older child attempting to play with these younger kids draws the attention, and possible incorrect assumptions about his motives. So I am always having to keep an eye out, reminding him frequently to not be too rough, and isn't there some kids closer to his age he would like to play with?   I understand why he prefers the younger kids sometimes, and will gladly tell you to ease any concerns you might have.

I am the mom keeping an eye on not only my son, but the other kids, whose teenage babysitters are listening to their iPods, texting, or just enjoying the sun, with a cursory glance at their young charges from time to time. What you don't know is what sometimes seems like playing or harmless rough-housing is actually an issue that needs to be addressed, and a good majority of the time, it is not my son instigating it, but not moving away from it either.

I am the mom who feels bad telling her 11 year old son that I would love to play with him in the pool, but doesn't he want to hang out with the other kids? He already deals with so much, I don't want to add to any teasing because he is hanging out with me. The kids are old enough now, that I can't play with all of them like I used to. What you don't know is while my son is  11 years old, he has a developmental delay that makes him more like 9 years old, and playing with me is fun and safe.  I still do play with him, of course and hope he won't be made fun of later.

I am the mom who won't hesitate to chastise an adult, whose child my son knows makes mean remarks to him, and to their mom, who not only laughs, but perpetuates the teasing. I do not tolerate adults who know better acting like this. Your child's behavior and the way they treat my son, and others who have differences is a direct result of your immaturity and lack of compassion. It's people like you that make my job of raising and spreading awareness that much harder.

I am the mom who is beyond thrilled  when other kids are including my son in their games, making him a part of the group and just being 11 year old boys playing "Sharks and Minnows" at the pool.  What you don't know is I am probably holding back tears, and quietly celebrating what you take for granted.







Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Best.Birthday Ever!!

A few weeks ago, I had made mention on my Facebook page Red Vines & Red Wine that The Boy was upset about not having more friends to invite to his birthday party. He asked me "I'm a nice guy, aren't I?" Shattered my heart into a billion pieces. How do you tell an almost 11 year old with autism, that of course he's a nice guy, and it's the quality of the friends, not the quantity?  Of course, I did tell him these things, and he seemed content with the answers, but I was still upset about it.

In the comments of this post, someone suggested that I do a "Card Party" for him. What a FANTASTIC idea! So, with some nervousness, I opened up our lives to the folks who like my blog,  page, and have followed our lives.

So many awesome cards!
We were not disappointed! The birthday cards started coming in about a week or so after I posted the request. The Boy didn't seem to really understand why he was getting mail from strangers, and I had to patiently explain to him (several times!) that all of these people read my blog, and know about you through that and my page. And that some of them have kids with autism like you, and some just want to wish you a happy birthday.  Once he understood he got quite excited!  He loves to get mail anyway, so the daily trip to the mailbox became an adventure!

He got musical cards, homemade cards, cards with stickers, cards with cash, cards with dinosaurs, cards with superheroes, post cards, cards made from duct tape - so many cool cards! He got a cool swag bag from Canada, filled with all kinds of Canadian fun, including a lot of little notes with Canada fun facts, he got a box of sweet treats from England, and a post card from Germany!

All told, he received 35 cards, gifts and well wishes from all over the U.S. and beyond. We kept track of the states he got things from on a map I printed out for him. It was not only fun, it was a great learning experience as well.

The Boy got cards from:

Idaho

Pittsburgh

South Carolina

North Carolina

California

Texas

Michigan 

Ohio

Iowa

Kentucky

Nevada

Virginia

West Virginia

Montana

Arkansas

Louisiana

Maryland

Indiana

Kansas

Washington

Canada

England 

Germany


WOW!!!!!

The cards overflowed into two rooms!



















How awesome is that?? He also got two pen pal requests, and we can't wait to respond!  I was so completely overwhelmed with the kindness and generosity of so many people who, until now have only known my son as "The Boy."  With so much ugly in the world, this truly gave my hope in humanity a much needed boost.  I cannot thank everyone enough for participating and making The Boy's 11th birthday truly something special.    You are all amazing and wonderful, and I am thankful to have such positive people in our lives!









Sunday, July 7, 2013

Family Adventures and how Autism ruins them

You know, most of the time I try and be positive, even upbeat about living the autism life. But sometimes even my incessant cheeriness is dulled by how our lives are dictated by crap that autism throws at us.  And those days are the days I say AUTISM SUCKS and I don't care who doesn't like it.

I did not say "The Boy sucks" and I never ever would. But this weekend the fact that autism and the anxiety it creates abruptly cut an  impromptu family adventure very short frustrates me.

The Mister surprised us on Saturday and said- get to the car- we are going on an adventure! This is unusual for him to begin with, so we all did as he said. Everyone piled in the car laughing, excited to get out of the house.
Look how happy we all are!

An hour car ride filled with singing, laughter and playing the alphabet game, everything was fine and dandy. We decided to stop at Cabela's- just for the hell of it. Things continued on, light, fun, and silly with The Boy amazed at all the displays- and then all of a sudden I saw the signs-  the anxious look in The Boy's eyes, the jerky body movements, the heavy breathing- here comes the meltdown.  Time to go, and go get something to eat I tell The Mister.  Teenzilla rolled her eyes and mumbled something under her breath which I chose to ignore.

Blown away at Cabela's
We got back to the car and talked about what else we were going to do. The Boy asked if we were going to go home now. I said- well- we were kind of planning on some more adventuring after getting some lunch. The panic really set in at that point and he cried- "I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!"  Ok, ok- let's get some food.

Over lunch we talked about taking a trip to Ikea, or just aimlessly driving somewhere and stopping when we saw something cool. As I watched The Boy barely touch his chicken nuggets, I knew our adventure was done for the day.

Teenzilla was pissed. Pissed at her brother, pissed at me, and refusing to be consoled. That finally made me snap at her, and tell her I have to miss out on things all the time, she just needs to get over it. Of course, I immediately regretted this- as tears welled up in her eyes, and she yelled back "I AM ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED! HE always ruins everything!"  *sigh* Yet another family outing derailed by Autism. Teenzilla taking a back seat again to her brothers sensory needs and anxiety issues. I know it sucks. I hate it too.

As soon as we got home, I told her we were getting pizza and she should ask her BFF to come over to hang out.   She shrugged and went to her room. The Boy visibly relaxed as soon as we pulled in the driveway. The panicked look in his eyes, the tension in his whole body, it all went away. I knew we made the right decision- even if it was at the expense of the rest of the family having fun. I was frustrated and a little irritated too. Well- a lot irritated. I have to keep telling myself  "It's NOT his fault, it's NOT his fault." This wasn't a case of a child being a brat- this was sensory issues and autistic behaviors in overdrive. And despite his (and our) efforts, today just wasn't a day he could overcome them

Siblings get screwed sometimes when dealing with an autistic brother or sister.  Either they feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility, or they feel resentful, jealous and anger. I follow all the advice. I make time just for her. We do lunch and shopping dates, I let her friends all hang out here, we do movie nights- anything to make it all about HER, since so much of our world does revolve around The Boy. From what we watch on TV, what we eat for dinner, and where we get to go-  it can be difficult to balance.  And The Boy is high functioning, I can't imagine how much more tricky it becomes when you have a child that has moderate to severe autism that requires 150% of your time and attention, PLUS any other children that need that attention too. I feel bad even complaining.   But sometimes you just have to let it out, right? Tomorrow is another day.  Just keep swimming.

My loves ♥












Sunday, June 23, 2013

Full Moon Madness and Autism- what IS the connection?


Every month I start seeing the signs. Dramatically (and I do mean DRAMATICALLY) increased energy level. Dramatically increased irritability. Easy to anger. Easy to cry. Disjointed thoughts and  speech patterns. Increased OCD behavior. Increased verbal stimming. Sleeping issues. No need to look at my moon phase app, I know it's that damn full moon again- messing The Boy (and me) all up. To top it off- it's the so called "Super Moon" so there's that.  I really wonder if the tug of the Earth is felt on a deeper level for him, causing everything to be out of whack.
Deluxe Moon 

And this is not unique to my son. All over Facebook and Twitter, spectrum parents are saying virtually the same thing. Our  kiddos are "off". And this isn't just from  parents, teachers say the same thing. So what is it? Are we all suffering from some group hallucination?  I mean, the word "lunatic"  comes from the Latin ‘luna’ meaning  moon and can mean someone who goes mad with the changes of the moon. so is it our kids, or is it us? Maybe our kids actually suffer from lycanthropy and this is the explanation for the Autism dial being turned up to about a bajillion.  (Imagine that- an autistic werewolf...)
Howl at the moon!


According to an article in Scientific American there is a  theory that that the full moon’s ­supposed effects on behavior arise from its influence on water. The human body, after all, is about 80 percent water, so perhaps the moon works its mischievous magic by somehow disrupting the alignment of water molecules in the nervous system. But the article also goes on to say that "the gravitational effects of the moon are far too minuscule to generate any meaningful effects on brain activity, let alone behavior."  So what gives?  This seems to be in direct opposition to the many, MANY folks who say their ASD kiddos act "loony"  during a full moon.  I have read so many theories, some plausible, some ridiculous, but even though "Full Moon Madness" has been supposedly debunked- it is apparent that those doing the "de-bunking" weren't raising or caring for someone on the spectrum.  Or heard the mountain of  anecdotal evidence from law enforcement, labor and delivery nurses, or doctors working in  psychiatric facilities.

So pretty- so maddening!

I am so very tired, the moon is even screwing my sleep patterns up- about 6 hours of sleep over the last 2 nights makes for a VERY crabby mom. The Mister thinks I am crazy - and when I  ask if he remembers the major meltdowns that just happened to coincide with the last  full moon, he just gives me this blank look. I am around The Boy more often, so it's no wonder I see these behaviors I guess. I am either  more in tune with his ups and downs, or I myself am also feeling the effects of the full moon.  

Right now, I am thinking it's after noon on a Sunday-  that's not too early for a glass of wine, right? I am also sending Teenzilla and The Mister to the movies. I would love to take The Boy, but between his behaviors and my exhaustion, we really shouldn't be unleashed on an unsuspecting public. I will just curse that damn moon.

Quella luna pazza- that crazy moon.... 


Photo courtesy of  autismliveshere.com






Deluxe Moon App:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/deluxe-moon-pro-moon-phases/id482361332?mt=8