One pissed off white suburban mom

You know what? I really want to thank U.S. Education Secretary, Arne Duncan, for pointing out that the only reason I am against Common Core is because I am a white suburban mom who has  realized my kids aren't geniuses. WHEW! Thanks for that Mr. Duncan. Here I was thinking that Common Core was a reboot of No Child Left Behind, another one size fits all set of educational standards that failed spectacularly. But clearly, as you so succinctly pointed out- it is ME who is missing the point- what with all my "helicopter mom" antics and happy ignorance of my children's poor education.  I am thrilled that you find it "“fascinating” that some of the opposition to the Common Core State Standards has come from “white suburban moms who — all of a sudden — their child isn’t as brilliant as they thought they were, and their school isn’t quite as good as they thought they were.”  (P.S. what kind of sentence is this? Seriously- YOU are in charge of education?)

(If you haven't read the article- please read it here- I am not exaggerating or joking)

I was apparently completely wrong in thinking that the Common Core State Standards (CCSS) were developmentally inappropriate,  micro-managing attempt to guarantee that teachers will teach to the test and attempt to turn otherwise bright, imaginative students into fact regurgitating drones that are unhappy, frustrated and worst of all- NOT LEARNING. I guess I was wrong about the fact that CCSS is a program that is paid for by billionaires, and "researched" by people who have zero educational background.  And I must have misunderstood that  states have been threatened  to implement this very flawed set of standards or lose federal funds.
And when you said "The Common Core has become a rallying cry for fringe groups that claim it is a scheme for the federal government to usurp state and local control of what students learn. An op-ed in the New York Times called the Common Core “a radical curriculum.” It is neither radical nor a curriculum. … When the critics can’t persuade you that the Common Core is a curriculum, they make even more outlandish claims. They say that the Common Core calls for federal collection of student data. For the record, it doesn’t, we’re not allowed to, and we won’t. And let’s not even get into the really wacky stuff: mind control, robots, and biometric brain mapping"  were you referring to the DOE, February 2013 report that has pictures of the exact biometric devices you are claiming you can't use? I don't know about mind control- but YOUR department put this study out. (See page 44, article 11)  I am really confused now.  This coming from the same man who said that the best thing to happen to the education system in New Orleans was Hurricane Katrina. WHAT THE HELL??

And I must be completely delusional to think that white suburban mom's are the only concerned parents. Apparently no other race or ethnicity or socio-economic group  is worried and angry about CCSS. And dad's well- what do they even care?  Let's not even consider special needs students who will be expected to perform right alongside their peers, regardless of ability. I mean- your goal is "preparing for a global economy" - and apparently these children, the ones with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, etc. etc. etc. do not fit yours and your billionaire backers molds.

My kids may not be geniuses, but they are smart. They are capable of learning- yes, even my son with Autism. I have watched my daughter work her ass off to maintain an A average. She wasn't coddled, she wasn't told she was great no matter what she did. She was, and is held to a higher standard, and her hard work and perseverance and continually good  great report cards are evidence of that. I have watched my son work hard to understand concepts, and have modified curriculum for him, to help his differently functioning brain understand concepts. I do not feel like I was "punched in the gut" by the horribly low standards my kids were being held to. Because they weren't.   But maybe that is just my "delusional" belief.

Mr. Duncan- your rude, racist, sexist remarks are disgusting and have pissed off many, many people. Not just we white suburban moms. . And YOU are in charge of our children's education? It terrifies me to think where my very intelligent children will be when they graduate if this ridiculous set of standards continues to permeate and destroy our schools. Good teachers are leaving their jobs because

Bring on the IEP!

Springtime brings a lot of wonderful things, sun, new beginnings,and  longer days just to mention a few. If you have a child who receives Special Ed services in school, it is also IEP season. That time of year when you sit in a room, surrounded by those who are supposed to be helping your child be all they can be, reviewing goals, setting new ones, perhaps transitioning to new schools (like we will be- middle school YIKES).  The IEP is supposed to be an  opportunity for teachers, parents, school administrators, related services personnel, and students (when appropriate) to work together to improve educational results for children with disabilities. If you are lucky enough to be working as a TEAM and not fighting tooth and nail for any and all accommodations your child needs. 

Courtesy of http://www.kidstogether.org/parentside.htm

I remember the first time I  walked into a meeting room filled with those who proclaimed to know what was best for The Boy (educationally speaking anyway) and feeling intimidated and so much  like the awkward girl that wanted to sit at the popular kids table, to the most recent encounter when I went in to do battle and was caught off guard at how easy it was to present MY goals and not be met with "we know best" attitude. Of course that was all blown to hell at the beginning of the year when I found myself fighting for the mainstream instruction that had so readily been agreed to just a few months prior.  It didn't take me long to learn that miles and miles of red tape surround our special children's education, and that really, the IEP really is a bullshit document. Oh sure, it's "legally binding" but the loopholes and confusing language really work in favor of the school and the district- NOT your kiddo. 

You never REALLY get what you think your   child needs and the services never seem to be quite enough. 

This is supposed to be about the CHILD's education,and the fact that kids CAN learn, and need to be challenged,  not written off, assuming they can't do something without ever trying.  It's not supposed to be a PRE-WRITTEN document that they slap down in front of you and then rush through everything and hand you a pen to sign it.  

It is supposed to be a commitment to a child, MY CHILD... not a number, or a budget. The living, breathing human being who has unlimited possibilities if given the proper support and tools. It shouldn't have to be this hard to secure our children a free appropriate education. 

I have followed all the major rules for successful meetings, and for a couple of years, I actually was happy to go to the meeting, talk with everyone and would leave feeling like things were accomplished, that The Boy was in good hands, that my concerns and ideas were listened to, and there was no pressure to sign a document if I had ANY kind of reservations. That changed when we moved The Boy back to his home school district  Great schools, if your child is average to above average.  Great schools if your child will do well on standardized tests. Not so great for the child with Autism. 

The biggest argument we have had the last two years is the argument for inclusion. Children with special needs CAN be accommodated within a regular education classroom. In our case especially. The Boy is high functioning. He has been shielded for so long, not given the chance to grow his potential. The lack of faith from teacher's and unwillingness to push him just a little bit harder has him doubting himself and his capabilities. The truth is ALL children benefit from the experience of an inclusive classroom, including the reduced child to staff ratio that makes it work. It's possible. And, it's right. It breaks my heart that there are thousands of children all across America being treated as second-class citizens because they are different.  They are in "special ed" they are "weird" they "can't learn". It's all bullshit I tell you. 

This year- we will be discussing the transition to middle school. I am beyond worried for The Boy. It is going to be a HUGE shock for him. The homework, the expectations- I foresee many, many meltdowns.  I have A LOT of info I am going to be breaking out, accommodations that I will INSIST on- and will sign NOTHING until these things are included.  Things like a "Early Pass"- getting to go to his next class just before the rest of the students, to avoid stress and bullying. A "safe place" to go in case of sensory overload. Reduced homework, use of the AlphaSmart, or the opportunity to use computers and printers for assignments with a lot of writing.  These are just a few of the things I will be insisting on.  Well, those and a big bottle of wine. 

Holding on to summer

The Boy is back at football. Teenzilla is coaching pee-wee cheerleaders. This signifies that summer is pretty much over for us.  But I am hanging on for dear life. I LOVE summer- especially when I don't have to work and can be home with my kiddos. I was just getting used to summer when I realized that it's nearly over. And it wasn't even a productive summer- a lot of hanging out, pool time and Nerf gun battles. I don't want to go back to the real world of hectic mornings, busy afternoons and flash by weekends.  I will also be embarking on the next phase of MY education- finishing my degree in Special Ed. It is definitely a big year for transitions.

When they were younger I was counting down the days until school resumed. I guess having a freshman and a 5th grader makes me keenly aware of just how fast time is going by- and these summers of hanging out with them are dwindling. If I needed any further proof- I just need to chat with The Twenty Something- the fact that he is a grown man still boggles my mind.

The bliss that most parents feel knowing that for at least 8 hours a day someone else is in charge of their kids is lost on me this year. I am only thinking of the reasons why I am desperately holding on to  summer.

1)NO MORE SLEEPING IN!! - Crazy mornings, getting everyone packed and ready- especially since I leave before the kids do, so dad is Team Leader. Rest assured- mom has gotten all of the important stuff done, lunches, library books, homework and permission slips all ready. His job, make sure they eat SOMETHING brush their teeth and get to school on time.  Simple, right? Probably, but my OCD is in overdrive, and my worry level is at DEFCON 1. The Mister does a great job, but a mom always feels she could have done better.

2)Back to school shopping- This activity fills me with dread. The Boy- he's EASY. But I have a 14 year old Teenzilla who is starting high school. The mere thought of walking around the mall being bombarded with offers to straighten my hair makes me want to hide. My Teenzilla has a very unique style- no Abercrombie or American Eagle...nope. We will be hitting Hot Topic where my ears can be assaulted with  heavy bass  DubStep and thrash metal, and trying to casually count all the piercings on the girl who is helping us. The fact that the store itself is narrow, makes me have to LITERALLY rub elbows with the unwashed masses...UGH.  And worst of all, trying to explain to my beautiful Teenzilla that our budget has been downsized (thank you car problems) seriously- where is my wine?

3)Piles of CRAP- You know, all the papers, notebooks, books, backpacks, never ending piles of CRAP that the little darlings bring home. It was mid July before I even got through LAST YEAR'S crap! Now I get to start all over. I have already received the first giant envelope full of shit to fill out for Teenzilla...My wine?

4)Extra Curricular Activities- In summer, things aren't really planned. We go somewhere if we want to, not because we have to (most of the time). Then school is back in session, and the HAVE TO BE THERE never ends. back to school night, practices, football games, rehearsals, PTA meetings, parties..it is endless. And while I am not one to over schedule my kids, there are still A LOT of things to get them to.  The gas money alone costs a fortune, especially with gas over $4 a gallon. I will be lucky to have wine money.

5)Pay for this, buy that, volunteer for something else- The amount of work I do writing checks adds up to a part time job, but not getting any money in..just sending it out. Music Boosters, PAT dues (our district is Parent and Teacher, not traditional PTA), school pictures, material fees, fundraisers. Then there is the volunteering. Class mom, car pools, field trips and on and on and on. And you are hardest hit in that first month- when cash is already tight and you are robbing Peter AND Paul to pay Tom.  Seriously, where is my wine?

6) IEP Hell- The joys of the beginning of the year IEP meeting. Finding out new and interesting ways the school is failing to comply with The Boy's current IEP, (or how they are going to try to slip bullshit past me) and the IDEA law interspersed with hyperventilated exclamations from me, especially as I am still not thrilled with how last year went.   Let’s face it, the entire process is extremely intimidating and nerve-wracking to a parent. And I am not one of those meek and mild parents. NOOOO! I am vocal and demanding- just call me PITA mom. This is my kid's education after all.  I try my hardest to work WITH the team- but damn- it feels like swimming upstream with weights on my legs.  WHERE IS MY WINE?!?

It doesn't matter how many reasons I have, time marches on, and the kids will be marching to the bus in a little under 3 weeks. Now is the time to start shooing them to bed earlier (THAT is a definite perk!)  cleaning closets, and making lists of all the essentials and trying to stretch the already stretched to the limit budget.  I have been doing this for a LONG time- you would think I would get better at it, right?

Ahhh- there is my wine. Cheers to Back to School, and the best of luck to all of us!

You say Bitch like it's a bad thing

We have all been there. Parents, feeling like our child has been slighted in some way by a teacher, family member, another child, another parent, come to their defense in the blink of an eye, ready to fight the world in defense of our progeny. It's natural, like breathing. Now- take the mom of a special needs child- spin the wheel and pick any special need you want- I will be focusing on Autism, but it is the same for all. Multiply that hair trigger defense mechanism by...oh let's be conservative and say A MILLION.

Autism mom's are heavyweight champions when it comes to fighting for our kids. We have had to fight with  school psychologists who think they know more about your kid than you do, or disagree with TWO different neurologists diagnoses. We have had to fight with insurance companies to help pay the astronomical medical bills brought on by Autism. We have had to fight for therapies. We have had to fight with poorly trained (at times) school staff who insist on treating our kids as if they are ONLY one big behavioral problem and refuse to be flexible at all. We have had to fight with our MET (Multidisciplinary Evaluation Team) about IEP goals, supports in the classroom and making sure our kids are getting a good education in a safe environment. We have had to fight with ignorant assholes who say stupid things around and or about our kids- and not in an innocent 'I just didn't know" way. Serious jerks who feel it is their  place to tell you that you are not disciplining enough, you should just spank them, could you please keep them quiet, what is wrong with your child?
Then there is the fighting WITH our kids. Fighting to get them to eat ANYTHING beyond the 4 foods they only let cross their lips. Fighting with them to sleep, get dressed, take a bath/shower, do homework, get away from the TV, not run into traffic. It goes on and on and on.

People that know me are always praising me as a parent, they admire my determination, my drive, my constant and loud advocating for my son, my great attitude and how I am so happy in the face of everything that sucks. "Courage under fire" was something someone said to me once- and I almost burst out laughing, not because of the compliment (which it definitely was) but for the fact that I can put on an amazing front, and pull off an Academy Award winning performance on pretty much a daily basis!

It's true- you wouldn't like me very much at all

I carry around A LOT of suppressed anger. Anger at fate for dealing me this hand. Anger that my kid at 9 almost 10 cannot do the things other kids his age are doing. Simple things, like run around at the local carnival with his friends, checking in for cash once in awhile with me.  Anger at myself for wishing he could be "normal" sometimes. Anger at other kids when I see them looking at him and snickering while he expounds about dinosaurs or Star Wars. Anger at other parents who have no idea how lucky they are they don't have to deal with some of the shit I have to- and RAGE at looks of pity.  (I have 2 other neurotypical kids- so I know EXACTLY what is different in raising The Boy) And anger at teachers who can't be bothered- who only include him in general education special projects because they HAVE to, and for not teaching compassion, acceptance and tolerance as every day core values across the curriculum.


To make a long story somewhat shorter- when The Boy moved back to school where we live after 3.5 years at an amazing school, with amazing teachers we had an idea of what to expect. But it has been so much worse than what we even tried to prepare ourselves for. The lack of communication, the refusal to even TRY to keep him mainstreamed, his misery, the lack of expectations FOR him, the ostracizing of him as well as a class of special needs students- who only participate in "specials" and science and social studies- well- let's just say that my Bitch Meter has been in the red most of this school year. And believe me, I am POSITIVE that I am discussed and referred to as "a bitch" and you know what? GOOD!! When you have had to fight as much as I have just to get your kid the acceptance and education he is entitled to over the last almost 10 years,(the last nine months being the worst since kindergarten) then you might be a bitch too! And the sad thing is- fighting for your kid- no matter how calm, educated and respectful you are brands you as A Bitch.  They haven't even come close to seeing just how much of a bitch I can be. I have ranted and raved and cried at home, calling the MET every dirty name in the book, but at the meetings have been in control, and presenting my side in an articulate and educated way, all the while wanting to stand up and yell and tell them what stupid assholes they are. But I don't- it would be counterproductive.
It is fucking HARD to hold it all in there. With all the resentment and anger just below my cool smile- you would think that having to deal with bullshit would be the straw that  breaks the camel's back.  But- the storm always comes later- and unfortunately it is my wonderful husband who has to bear the worst of it.


So is it really any wonder that what seems like something so small can get my hackles up in such a big way? Something like....getting an email from the Special ed. teacher saying the the general ed. teacher wants me to bring in...oh, let's say crackers for a grade wide presentation at school.  And when asked why the gen ed teacher didn't just ask me herself either by phone or email, or BY SEEING ME AT THE SCHOOL EVERY DAMN DAY, she doesn't have an answer. Well of course she doesn't! She is being used as a middle man, plain and simple. Once again, the glaring fact that The Boy is not considered part if the school community slaps me in the face. How else would I see it?  He is being "allowed" to participate in this presentation, and oh, let's throw mom a bone and maybe she can bring something so she feels that her kid is truly included.  Over crackers and a simple email, yes I have lost my tenuous grip on my anger. Petty, stupid, immature- call it what you will. But when I see how the other teachers, students and parents look at my son, the way they ignore me when it comes to class projects, or worse, treat me (and him) as an afterthought, using stupid excuses like "I had the wrong email address" - well, this is THE.LAST.STRAW. 

If you want me to provide something for class, a presentation, whatever, ASK ME YOUR DAMN SELF. The Boy is a part of YOUR class too- he is not just a "special ed student". I NEVER once had this problem in the other school, the gen ed 3rd grade teacher ALWAYS emailed, called or sent a note home if she needed me to do anything. I am at the school every freakin day...I am not hard to get in touch with.

If  fighting for your kids, doing what you have to do to ensure they are healthy, getting a decent education, and happy makes one a bitch- then give me my Bitch Badge and I will wear it proudly.  But if/when the day comes that I really unleash my inner bitch on you- don't say I didn't warn you.

What in the heck does all this mean?

Today is World Autism Awareness Day. I have seen a lot of people wearing blue - for the Light it up Blue initiative sponsored by Autism Speaks. Facebook is buzzing with article, blogs, personal stories and so much more- it is heart warming. I am wearing my Autism Puzzle Piece necklace from The Puzzling Piece and have had several opportunities to speak with people and tell them what today is all about. One of my other blogs, Son..you have Autism  was featured in my local paper which got a lot of attention as well. Autism Awareness Month has started with a bang for me- and I am hoping to keep that ball rolling.

I know what autism means to me and my family. I live it, breathe it, sleep it. It is not a mystery to me and I can tell anybody that asks me what Autism means to me.  It means doctor appointments, it means vitamin supplements, it means sleepless nights, it means strict routines, it mean no scratchy tags in shirts, it means evaluating situations and deciding if my son can handle all of the stimulus, (usually not), it means IEP's , it means fighting for education, it means continuous advocacy and never settling for less for my son. It also means making sure my other kids know they are loved, special and in no way defined by their brother's Autism- any  more than he is defined by it. It is a HARD job..being a parent itself is hard- raising a child with Autism just upped the ante. 

I have many friends with children on the spectrum. I hear their stories, relate to their stress,  celebrate their children's accomplishments,  discuss treatments, doctors, extracurricular activities and so much more So I decided to ask my online friends- how has autism affected you- what does it mean to you? And this is what I want to share today- one of the responses I received. It isbeautiful. It is heartbreaking. It is hopeful. It is absolute love. Thank you Monica Ternovan - Ty is lucky to have you for his mom. I raise my wine glass to you- let's finish the bottle together some day.

I see the world differently. I evaluate every sound, every lighting scenario. I scan for triggers, ones that I still cant always identify but I am constantly vigilant to try and decipher. I have learned not to sweat the seriously small stuff. I have let go of "societal norms" and grabbed hold of what makes life more bearable/pleasant for my kid. I've watched friends and family back away from us and declare it "impossible" that he is on the spectrum as if somehow "willing it away" will make things better for Ty. I have released my expectations and learned to live each day with an attitude of success and positivity, often ending my day with a weary sigh and a glass of wine. I used to say I wouldn't be like my parents, drinking in the evenings after a long day, but now that one glass is my solitude, my moment of reflection, my partner in this chaotic journey. I am learning a whole new language, one filled with terms like "on the spectrum" and "triggers" and "being unable to process". I don't see that child in the Wal-Mart having a meltdown as "bad kid" or that mother as a "weak parent". I wonder if she too is struggling with living along side her child on the spectrum and trying desperately to maintain some sense of control of her life and that of her other child(ren) while giving herself over to the fact that she is forever going to see the world in terms of how it might affect that child's autism. I have gained a deeper love and compassion than I ever thought I was capable of, though tested over and over, I am frequently surprised by my own ability to let it go like "water on a duck's back".