Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Put down the cigarette and nobody gets hurt!

O.K., its happening … I have chosen  to stop smoking, to become a non-smoker, to free  myself from this dreaded addiction. I warn my family “Be afraid!  I am attempting  to give up smoking.  From past experience I will be either catatonic or hysterical. Please don't take anything I say or do personally"  I even went to the doctor for Wellbutrin- an anti-depressant that is supposed to help me with this- I am SERIOUS. This time. I promise. 

I have smoked since I was 16 years old. I have quit three times- with each of my pregnancies- and quit for YEARS at a time... then something triggered that want/need to have one. An argument, stress, and BOOM I was right back to square one. I know it is the addiction talking. I know that like any other addiction- will power isn't always enough.

I have tried the patch..I would smoke while wearing one. I have tried chewing gum when I wanted a smoke, I have tried sucking on hard candy, I have tried thinking of other things. Nope. No go. Seems to be that only if I get knocked up will I be able to say goodbye to the cancer sticks.  And that AIN'T happening...not a chance. 

Yesterday was my official "quit" day. I went all day without one-(woo-freakin-hoo - one whole day) and was ok with it. Then today- on my 45 minute drive to work- after being upset all morning over finances etc.  I want one bad. In my head it's a barrage of  iwannasmokeiiwannasmokewannasmokeiwannasmokeiwannasmokeiwannasmoke. So,I  lit one up. I felt guilty and bad. But I smoked it anyway. *sigh*
Eff you- I am having a smoke

I got to work and popped a piece of gum in my mouth. Oh- did I tell you I work with 3.5 year old kids? And some very incompetent assistants? If that won't drive you to smoke or drink I don't know what will.  By lunchtime I was in a fog- all I could think of was taking a drive and having just ONE.

Nonononononononono....this is ridiculous- smoking killed my mom, my kids and husband are always yelling at's ridiculously expensive- STOP THIS NOW!  I ate my lunch and occupied myself doing other things- I still went for a drive- I need to escape from my school for a few minutes or I will go insane.

I have a GREAT support system. My husband- of course is wonderful and more than supportive- he truly is my port in a storm. I have some wonderful friends on Facebook that are sending me messages- You CAN do this ( thanks Eric and Nicole)  and all of my friends - they are really helping.... but this shit is so much harder than I thought it would be- especially using meds! C'mon!

I have no doubts that I CAN quit. My fear is that I really don't WANT to quit....yet. I want to want to...does that make sense? Nothing is more relaxing to me on a stressful day than smoking a cig. Nothing goes better with a cocktail than a cig. Nothing goes with a marathon phone call with a good friend, than a cig. AARRRGGHHH!!!!  

So my next step is to make a list of Pros  of smoking... I mean the cons are obvious, right?  So what are my "Pros" of continuing to smoke?

1)Smoking reduces stress

2)Smoking is keeping me from getting fatter

3)Smoking is great after awesome sex

4) I like it

5)Smoking and drinking a beer/glass of wine/ margarita goes together like peas and carrots

Wow- not many . And all of these things are lame excuses - I know. I admit my addiction.  But as I sit here writing this- there is someone smoking on TV..awww hell- I want one sooooo bad.  Where is my gum???
This is so sexy dammit!