Dear Son,
When you were born I made a promise to love you, keep you safe and raise you to be a smart, decent, responsible human being. No small promise as I was just 17 years old. But I was determined to show everyone I could do this- and without a "baby daddy" - who by the way has NEVER shown any kind of interest in your life. Fucking loser.
You and I have been through A LOT together. I hope that you don't even remember some of it- I have done my best to block a lot of it out. But we survived- and at one point it was just you and I. Sure Nana and Papa loved us and helped- but it was you and me...everybody else be damned.
I gave up a lot to be your mom. And I have no regrets. And it is with great sadness that I write this to you now. Although I know I am not perfect- and I made my share of mistakes while raising you- I DID NOT raise you to be the selfish, self destructive, hurtful, manipulative person you are today.
I have defended you through all your troubles in school. I have shelled out so much money- money I did not have to make sure you graduated. I gave 110% of myself- quitting a job, fighting with my husband, subjecting your autistic brother and impressionable sister to the knock down drag out fights we had- the police being called on many occasions.
You stole my brand new car and totaled it- I still was at your side in court. You got a felony larceny charge for randomly breaking into a car- I was there. Again- shelling out money I didn't have- for YOU.
I cried and lost sleep when you went to jail. I worried about you hourly and I hoped that this was going to change you. I hoped you had faced your demons, accepted your shortcomings and were ready to move on with your life. I truly thought you were ready to grow up when you got out. I was ready and more than willing to help. But now, as I watch you spiral out of control- unwilling to change what needs to be changed- face the fact you have a drinking problem - and allow people to HELP you I realize that your rock bottom is yet to come. And that breaks my heart.
You call me filthy names, you tell me to Fuck off on a regular basis- yet still I let you live in MY house, rent free. You are DESTROYING our chance at a wonderful mother/son relationship. I am starting to cringe when I hear you walk in the door. I hate that I don't even like my own kid very much anymore.
I have finally reached the end of my rope. When I got the 3 A.M. phone call from jail AGAIN- that was the beginning of the end. It is time you learned how \to be an adult. It is time you stopped shitting all over your family- the people who do everything for you. The people you verbally smack down every time you don't like what they say.
You have 2 choices now. Either man up and join the service- preferably the Navy- or get the hell out of my house. I am done, done so damn done. You have told me to fuck off for the last time. You need direction- you need to dry out- you need discipline- you need structure. And right now- the only way you will get that is by joining the service. You may get out of more jail time too.
I keep saying I am done crying over you - but I am not. I love you, and I wish I knew where the hell I went wrong, and why you turned out the way you did- why even though I did my best to teach you right from wrong, and how to be a good man - you are still lost.
You have amazing talent- it seriously blows my mind. Talent oozes out of you. You are good with people, handsome and people are drawn to you. And you are destroying it. Destroying it all with booze, and a "Fuck the establishment" attitude that will NEVER get you anywhere.
I have loved you, defended you, protected you and taught you. Now you are 20 years old and it's time to do for yourself. You have two weeks to decide. If you choose not to decide and hope it all blows over- or I will forget- you are sadly mistaken.
I know you will hate me for this, and I know you will pull out your arsenal of venomous, hate filled insults. It will hurt me- as usual. But the difference this time is I will use the hurt to be strong- instead of letting it rule me.
No matter what you think- I DO love you- and the cliche phrase "This hurts me more than it hurts you" has never been more fitting.
I truly hope you make the right choice.
Love,
Mom
Oh Dawnie baby....
ReplyDeleteOh wow sweetie. Your letter moved me to tears. How brave you are. I hope and pray he makes the right choice. You are a good mommy.
ReplyDeleteHI--first time to your blog. I am a mother of four--my 8 year old son and 6year old triplets with autism. I am living and loving my life and my children, and my fiance and my soon to be 3 stepchildren. And a few years ago, I was your son. My parents, after the umpteenth time of bailing out, trying to help, and being taken advantage of by me only to have their hearts broken again, they said enough is enough. We will no longer do this. You are on your own. When finally left alone, with no one else left to enable me, I wanted help, got the help, and began rebuilding my life. I love them so much, because today I can only imagine how hard it was for them. I can't imagine how you feel, but don't doubt yourself---I truly believe you are doing the right thing. God bless you!!!
ReplyDeleteYou can make it through this. Stand tall and be strong. Stick to your guns and know that he'll be better for it in the long run.
ReplyDeleteThis could have been me except my child is a daughter. I had her when I was 18. Her father and I were together and married for 12 years. At the age of 11, things started going downhill. She became so angry and felt she was entitled to everything. Up to that point she had done great in school, great in sports; and aside from your everyday pre-teen girl stuff, I thought all was well.
She started drinking and smoking pot, sneaking out of the house, stole a friend's sister's care and wrecked it. Being newly divorced from her father, I wanted to "be friends" and kept a lot of things from him that I shouldn't have.
Things got worse-she started popping pills and staying gone for days at a time; she was thrown out of school because she never went. The police were involved on several occasions and finally at 16 I stuck her in juvy, after a 4-day disappearance being found on the floor of a flop house (2 houses away from her dad's) with god only knows who, to "dry out". I thought if I could get her away from the bad influences and the drugs she would come out "fresh as a daisy" and she did, for a while.
She was on house arrest for months (I talked them down on the amount of time)and she met a boy and they were together two years. These were good times. Even though I wasn't thrilled with him (too needy) he kept her clean-she had a job, and we weren't fighting.
That all changed a year ago when her "first love" came back into the picture. This asshole dumped her for her best friend who he proceeded to have a kid with. I don't know what kind of "spell" this kid has over her but she ended up losing her job, started drinking again (no weed though) and became totally oblivious to the rest of the world. He doesn't work, he can't drive, he lives with his mom and dad and his kid lives out of state with his mother and guess what; he doesn't pay child support.
She's is working now, waitressing about 25-30 hours a week at a Coney Island. If she's not working she has her head stuck up his ass. The scary part is they don't use protection for sex and I just know sooner or later her luck is going to run out and she doesn't seem to care.
She has no money. I don't know what she does with it. I tried to get her to give me some every week to save for a "rainy day" but she won't. She uses her dad and my mom every chance she gets to pay her cell phone bill or fix her car. I pay her car insurance (because it is in my name-$40 bucks a month) and provide housing and food (although she does not eat here often) and that is it!! I have told her I will not give her another cent.
Although she is not the horrific mess she used to be, she still doesn't get that her actions and choices have consequences and that we may not always be there to bail her out.