Friday, July 8, 2011

Progress....NOT Perfection

So- I am nearing the end of day 2 with no smoking...I HATE this!! HATEITHATEITHATEIT!  And this is only DAY FUCKING 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am taking Wellbutrin- I really thought it was helping- now I am not so sure. I am going to use the patch- AGAIN. This sucks.

As long as I am at work and super busy- no problem. I don't even think about lighting up. But as soon as I get into my car for the long ride home- that's it. I am fiending like mad for a cig. I turn up the radio- I chew gum- and I try to lose myself in the monotony of my drive.

Then I get home- hug my hubby and the kiddos and get ready to eat dinner. Not thinking about smoking at all. Then it's after dinner- and what do I want? You guessed it- a smoke. *sigh*

But what I really hate most? I want a drink. A glass of wine preferably. But guess what I want then? See a trend here? And now I am giving Thirsty Thursdays for awhile- my most anticipated night of the week. The day I go meet up with my girlfriends and relax. But- we are all as my friend Eric keeps saying- stay away from the booze for awhile- especially if it is a trigger.  Well that sucks!! What vice am I allowed to have then dammit??

I have a lot of amazing and supportive friends. I get text messages throughout the day - You Can Do This! You Are Strong! I Am Proud of You!  and these are wonderful, and helpful, and appreciated. But here's the thing- what if (more like when) I slip- I will feel like I am not only letting myself down- but my friends and family as well. And THAT makes me feel sad- and like.........SMOKING!

Today I got a wonderful message from an equally wonderful friend Nikki- also an ex smoker told me that it is about PROGRESS not PERFECTION. (hence the title of this blog!) It's an addiction- plain and simple. A wicked powerful addiction.

This made me feel better in so many ways. She doesn't  give me reasons to think about smoking- she believes talking about it lends it power and the less attention we give it- the less power it will have. So  writing this blog is probably not helping me at all... shit.
My new mantra

I DO know that I need to quit-  I WANT to quit- but I may slip- maybe more than once. I will feel guilty , and dirty and bad.  But what I won't do is lie. If I am to truly kick this - I have to be honest. I already told my hubby I have a couple stashed around the house (well, actually the garage because I do NOT smoke in my house). 

And there it is- the guilt...*sigh*  Fuck it- I am going to have a glass of wine.