Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I HATE EVERYTHING

Army ain't got NOTHIN on me

OK- so the title may be a tad misleading.... I love my kids and husband. But....... I HATE getting up at 4 A.M. I HATE doing  more work in the 2 hours before I actually get to work  than most people do all day. (Yes I AM the fucking Army) and I HATE rushrushRUSHING to get home- get kids ready for football and cheer ESPECIALLY now that school has started. GAHHHHHHHH!!!! And we haven't even started with homework yet!

I LOVE that the boy has had 2 amazing days in his new class, and that his teacher is so awesome. But I HATE that I am stressing out about when he gets home, when the homework starts and if all of this is just going to prove to be too much for him.

I HATE that I leave before I even get to see my kids and they are home before me too.  I HATE that I love my job but have no desire to go anymore- what was (is dammit IS!) my life's passion is rapidly turning into a drudgery and a huge inconvenience and a major source of stress that I cannot avoid. At least not if I like living in a house and eating on occasion.

I HATE that I have an opportunity to work closer , hell, pretty much on top of home, but it would mean a DRASTIC pay cut that we cannot afford right now.Actually ever. I HATE that I have cut every corner (on paper anyway) and still can't find a way to make it work- me switching jobs that is. And I HATE that I am rapidly starting to not GIVE A SHIT.  I will go without wine (cue the GASP)  I will go without expensive lunchmeat and cheese, I will make this old bra last a few more months, I will buy cheaper makeup, I will shop exclusively at Aldi's ( have quarter, will shop!)  we will not eat any more fast food, I will be saving about $110 a month in gas so that would help...right? But most of all - I will be more relaxed ( well- define RELAXED first).

I will be close to both Teenzilla and the Boy. I will remember to look on the school website for the right time for parent night at school, I will pack healthier lunches, I will be able to be a room mom, or hell, just be a part of the elementary experience- like I was with Teenzilla. And in my opinion it is even MORE important I am there as much as I can be- I mean autism and mainstream  4th grade- I want to be a part of that.  I NEED to be a part of it.

The mister says things like- "Well, we need to eat and pay bills" well DOY...it's not like I don't know this but what price is my sanity worth? What price is our children's education and my involvement worth? Perhaps if I had been more a part of my oldest's elementary school career his life wouldn't have taken such a terrible turn.


So now you see why, at this very moment.. I HATE EVERYTHING!!


I.Am.Going.To. SNAP