The Christmas Letter:Celebrate the holidays with lies!

It's that time of the year when you open your mailbox and get the dreaded "Christmas Letter". It may be from family, or friends, but either way, it is just an annoying litany of trumped up achievements and makes  you look at your own family and close your eyes and pretend that they were just half as perfect as the family outlined in this letter.  Then you remember that you actually live in the real world and your beautiful, perfectly imperfect family is amazing and you wouldn't trade them for anything.   And then you polish off your bottle of wine and yell at everyone to come eat dinner. 

People I Want to Punch in the Throat,  and her blog post,  Humble Brag Christmas Letters got me all excited to write my very own Christmas Letter. Of course, I decided this would be a complete work of fiction and I smiled as I typed away and imagined the looks on some of the more conservative members of my family as they read it.

Cheers! 

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

You will all be happy to know I am FINALLY off parole!! I also got this fancy new computer, completely legal and everything! Of course the mister is still in jail- but his next hearing is set for the 23rd  so..fingers crossed!  

The oldest got her license to grow medical marijuana last month. Grandma couldn't be happier- being recently self-diagnosed with glaucoma and all. 

I was especially proud of the 4 year old's performance in the preschool talent show! He did a humorous interpretation of Sweeney Todd that had the other parents SPEECHLESS! He definitely outdid the rest of the class, what with their Justin Bieber interpretations and Taylor Swift karaoke. I mean, these aren't even age appropriate. am I right?
My dear middle child met a wonderful young man during her court mandated community service. Best thing about this one? All of his tattoos are spelled correctly! I know 15 is kind of young, but I think this might be true love, and anticipate planning a wedding within  the next year. Here's hoping anyway!

Now that I have that pesky ankle tracker removed, I am able to work outside of the trailer - which is so nice. Being a Family Protection Consultant was nice, but selling insurance by phone really gets boring. I have replied to an ad on Craigs List to be a "Exotic Dancer Handler". I will basically be the "House mom" for the girls at The Landing Strip, a Gentleman's Club out by the airport.  I am very excited to start, it will be like reliving my younger days at the Toy Box in Canada. 

The spirit of Christmas is family, is it not? And the spirits for Christmas are usually wine and vodka!   I know we are lucky to have this humble trailer  and not to be on the street, especially considering the homeless murders that have happened in the neighborhood. Please enjoy the brownies I sent- FYI- the oldest made them using her own special recipe and  they have a "kick" so give them to the kids right before bed- works wonders for the 4 year old!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! 

The Devolution of Traditional Family Time

I came across this picture today whilst cruising the interwebs....

My first reactions was to laugh- then I thought-"Awwww, how sad" And finally I found that I could COMPLETELY RELATE!   I have had a full text conversation with Teenzilla while she was up in her room and I was in the living room. Watching TV. And don't even get me started on Facebook, email, online games, Ebay...you get the point. 

I guess I should have felt terrible and immediately cancelled my cable, cell phones and internet and sat down to sing Kumbayah with my kids, but obviously that didn't happen. This my friends- really is the evolution or rather DEVOLUTION of "family time", everyone in the same room, but otherwise engaged in some sort of electronic stimulus. Attention fractured, not really able to focus on any one thing, or hyper focused to the exclusion of everything else.  

I have made the rationalizations- we are all TOGETHER more or less, yeah, I am playing on my iPhone, Teenzilla is on her computer, and dad is either so immersed in whatever is on TV or also playing on his phone and The Boy is usually sitting next to one one of us watching what we are doing or also watching TV. But we are still chatting, sharing whatever we might be doing with each other, and for all intents and purposes- spending time as a FAMILY...right?? 

Let me list the ways we DO spend true time as a family together:

1. Family meal times- 5-6 days of the week- dinner in our house is at the kitchen table- NO ELECTRONICS ALLOWED!
2. Family Game Night- NOT Wii game night, a real board or card game 
3. Family Nerf Gun Battles- a favorite for sure
4. Swimming in the summer, sledding or other snow fun in the winter
5. Football in the fall
6. Family trips to the apple orchards and pumpkin picking in the fall
7. Nature walks
8. Bike rides

So we DO a lot of things that do not revolve around a screen of some sort. But I guess on an every day basis- the TV, phones, computers and iPad dominate our lives. But isn't that the way with a huge percentage of the populace? I mean- we do live in a digital world. Our whole world can be broken down into zero's and ones, formulated into HTML and fed back to us on a screen of some kind.  Yes- there really is no substitute for outdoor fun, face to face conversations, books made out of paper and held in your hands with PAGES you can turn,but sadly, these things are starting to disappear.

So yeah- it is pretty damn sad when you think about it. But changing it isn't going to happen. I guess we all just need to make sure we are still making time for these "old fashioned" family fun things, and making sure our kids can connect with other LIVE people and not just images on a screen. 

How will a $3,000 scholarship for education make a difference in my life?

If you read my blog you know I have been trying to finish my Special Education degree for a number of years now.  Work, kids, life and autism have always managed to get in my way. That and MONEY!! That's what it really all boils down to- the all mighty dollar!!!  And like most people- I never have any extra- and if by some crazy miracle I do- it most likely goes on my kids' backs, and wouldn't be enough to even buy a textbook. (Did you know you can RENT those now??)


3 years ago, I got a scholarship. It would allow me to take at least two classes a semester for a year. I unfortunately- in my giddy excitement ( I ADORE being a student) I didn't read that it was for Winter, Fall, Winter, Fall. No Spring/Summer. So- I took a spring/summer class, only to be very upset when I realized my mistake. I contacted the college and asked if there was ANY way I could substitute that Spring/Summer semester for the last Winter one. No. I couldn't. I still don't understand why- probably a punishment for being an idiot.

So- now I am into the college for almost 2K and it is the LAST bill I think to pay- what with keeping my lights on, food in the house and my mortgage paid- that seems like small potatoes. But I am desperately unhappy in my current job. I LOVE what I do- but I want my own class! I want to be helping kids just like The Boy- I want to be making a difference doing what I LOVE. So now the scholarship hunt begins.
(Don't even ask about FAFSA- been down that road- DENIED)

With a gazillion sites out there Broke Scholar,Scholarships.com,Education Connection,  and of course offerings from my university of choice (Wayne State- go Warriors!), each promising thousands of dollars to get an education, it's not HARD to apply. It just takes hours, days, weeks of sifting through, writing essays, (hence the title of this blog) and meeting deadlines.

I have applied for and wrote several  "short answer" essays- and when I read them I think- why WOULDN'T someone give me this scholarship? And then I remember- ohhhhh....because I am competing with all of the millions of 18-20 year old's just beginning their college careers, the millions of people retraining for a new career after losing their jobs in our shitty economy. But then- I try to look at the bright side- I want to be a SPECIAL EDUCATION TEACHER!! With an Autistic Spectrum Disorder endorsement. I know that so many schools need GOOD special ed teachers, I know I could find a job- especially with the endorsement.  So dammit- give me some MONEY!!

Then my neighbor asks me- do you ever wonder if it is worth it to finish your degree at this age- when someone 15 -20 years younger than me might be considered first. And I said NO- of course not! Because along with an education from a school of higher learning, I have many years of PRACTICAL experience that put me way ahead of some fresh faced young thing- that has no idea that walking into a special needs environment  means kids that don't speak, kids who can't control their bodies, kids who have violent outbursts, kids who need to have diapers changed, kids on the spectrum, kids with ADHD, kids that hit, kick, spit and cry.  Parents who look to you for guidance, support and help. Cuts in funding for already struggling programs, Grant writing (aka begging for money) and making do with what you have. A physical, and mentally challenging career that takes a special person to do, and do well.

You may ask- WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS? Simple- because I love kids- all shapes, sizes and colors. And since beginning this journey with Autism- I have had an opportunity to meet so many different kids, with different issues, and they need someone like ME! I am vocal, I am tireless when it comes to advocating. I believe EVERY child can learn. What they NEED to learn and WHEN they need it.

This is why I need a paltry $3000. This is how a scholarship would make a difference in my life- so I could FINALLY  start to finish my education and  make a difference in  so many other's lives. So what if I am  starting at 40 years old? I have A LOT to give, A LOT of years to go.

So c'mon- show me the $$$$.  Pretty please??

Beaded Ornaments and Bubble Lights

Traditions. Everyone has a few.  And during the holiday season, perhaps more than any other time of year, we relive our childhood by sharing traditions with our families, as well as making our own.

Some of my favorite holiday memories growing up included baking, decorating and lots and lots of Christmas music. Decorating the Christmas tree has got to be one of my single most cherished memories. We always got a real tree- and not from a tree lot either. Oh no- my parents packed the family up, packed a lunch and drove to the mountains and cut down a tree.

I remember literally vibrating with anticipation- waiting for the tree to be put up. Giggling quietly with my mom listening to my dad untangle the lights.  My sister and I helping to get the boxes and boxes of handmade ornaments out, dimly hearing her voice giving instructions on placement of said ornaments. I had my favorites that I insisted on putting on the tree- and the fact that it irritated the hell out of my older sister was just a bonus.

Not enough!

The hot chocolate would be made for us kids, the hot toddy's for the adults, Christmas music cranked up-  it was a wonderful time. Until it got to the tinsel part- and that was always a battle between my mom and I - I loved to just THROW the stuff everywhere... my mom was a "draper" each strand had to be just right. (I have since abandoned the tinsel tradition- when I realized what a damn mess it was to clean!)

Like this- but more ornate

Many years have passed. My mom passed away 10 years ago. I have developed many traditions with my own family, as well as incorporating from mine and my husband's. The tree is still quite possibly my favorite. I have a ton of ornaments, but the ones I really miss are the beautiful handmade ones that always adorned the Christmas trees of my childhood. Some of you may remember- giant Styrofoam balls- with long, decorative stick pins and a ton of beads?  The heavy salt dough reindeer, some painted, some au natural.  The stained glass ornaments. Each one with a story, each one precious.


Remember the bubbling Christmas lights? They are making a comeback now- but when I was growing up- they were so unique and cool... I remember my dad making sure they were all upright so they would bubble right!

Well- I don't have One. Single. Ornament. NOT ONE. When we lost mom- my freeloading sister and her family swooped in and moved into my childhood home. My dad eventually met someone and moved on, and out. But my sister got the house for NOTHING and everything in it. I have never seen one of my mom's ornaments, never been offered any of them- I mean- with only 2 of us we could have split them up, right? Not to sound all vulture-like- because, honestly, I didn't even think about this until mom had been gone for 5 years- and only then because my grandma asked me if I ever got any of them.

I have precious few tangible objects that belonged to my mom. I wish I did. The family fell apart after she died- and  an already strained relationship with my sister turned hostile, and is now non-existent.

At Christmas time- I miss those things...A LOT.  The ornaments, the lights, the  hand made ceramic Christmas  decorations all through the house. Silly, I mean, they are only things. I DO  have the exquisite hand made counted cross stitch stockings that she and my Grandma made. And believe me- they are one of a kind and something I am insanely proud of. But I would really, Really, REALLY  like to have just a few of the ornaments and decorations. She can have the bulk of them- I would just like a few of my favorites- and my school made ornaments. If they are even still around.

So I will bake the cookies, and share stories with my kids about their Nana.  I am certain that she is all around me all the time and is proud of me and my little family. Maybe someday I will get the ornaments- probably in time for Teenzilla to be grown and starting her own Christmas traditions.

Autism SUCKS

I am tired.

I am tired of the tantrums

I am tired of the screaming

I am tired of the yelling


I am tired of basing everything from menus to family trips around it


I am tired of being sick with worry every damn day he goes to school- most especially now that he is mainstreamed.


I am tired of the mood swings


I am tired of having to medicate him to sleep


I am tired of having to medicate him to be able to focus


I am tired of having conversations strictly in movie/TV speak


I hate the OCD


I hate getting so angry I want to just slap the shit out of him, knowing full well it won't help. 


I hate the developmental delay that causes him to act like a younger child. 




Today was a gorgeous October day. Sundays are our free days- with nothing to do, no games, no practice- just blissful NOTHING. So of course I want to do SOMETHING! Today I wanted to go to the Apple Orchard, pick apples and pumpkins and just hang out with my family.   


We talked about it yesterday after the disaster of a football game (that is a different blog for another day) and today I was running around getting ready and told him several times it was getting ready to be time to go.  When it came down to it- he lost it. There was something on TV he just HAD to watch. This is a common occurrence in our house.  Way too common. I shoulder the blame - I let him watch too much- I know. 


So our trip out as a family- the fun day we were supposed to be having started off with Noah crying, me telling him to stop it or else, and then me eventually yelling too, and that just escalates things and makes the negative behavior increase. 


The dramatic highs and lows in autism are really starting to make me CRAZY. I used to be able to say to myself 'if it makes ME feel this way, imagine how it makes HIM feel". Well, that is some cold comfort right now.  Although I am thankful he is so high functioning, and that he speaks, and uses the toilet by himself (although at 9 years old he still has "accidents") I can't help but be frustrated by the behaviors he still exhibits. 


He is a good kid, a sweet kid, a loving kid. He is my world, he and his brother and sister- my kids rule my universe.


But this autism shit can suck it. 

.