Sunday, October 9, 2011

Autism SUCKS

I am tired.

I am tired of the tantrums

I am tired of the screaming

I am tired of the yelling

I am tired of basing everything from menus to family trips around it

I am tired of being sick with worry every damn day he goes to school- most especially now that he is mainstreamed.

I am tired of the mood swings

I am tired of having to medicate him to sleep

I am tired of having to medicate him to be able to focus

I am tired of having conversations strictly in movie/TV speak

I hate the OCD

I hate getting so angry I want to just slap the shit out of him, knowing full well it won't help. 

I hate the developmental delay that causes him to act like a younger child. 

Today was a gorgeous October day. Sundays are our free days- with nothing to do, no games, no practice- just blissful NOTHING. So of course I want to do SOMETHING! Today I wanted to go to the Apple Orchard, pick apples and pumpkins and just hang out with my family.   

We talked about it yesterday after the disaster of a football game (that is a different blog for another day) and today I was running around getting ready and told him several times it was getting ready to be time to go.  When it came down to it- he lost it. There was something on TV he just HAD to watch. This is a common occurrence in our house.  Way too common. I shoulder the blame - I let him watch too much- I know. 

So our trip out as a family- the fun day we were supposed to be having started off with Noah crying, me telling him to stop it or else, and then me eventually yelling too, and that just escalates things and makes the negative behavior increase. 

The dramatic highs and lows in autism are really starting to make me CRAZY. I used to be able to say to myself 'if it makes ME feel this way, imagine how it makes HIM feel". Well, that is some cold comfort right now.  Although I am thankful he is so high functioning, and that he speaks, and uses the toilet by himself (although at 9 years old he still has "accidents") I can't help but be frustrated by the behaviors he still exhibits. 

He is a good kid, a sweet kid, a loving kid. He is my world, he and his brother and sister- my kids rule my universe.

But this autism shit can suck it.