Going to the pool with Autism

I am that mom at the pool,  the one who rarely takes her eyes off her kid, even though he is 11 and can swim. The one who seems extra nervous and calls her son over frequently, trying not to draw too much attention.  What you don't hear is me reminding him to respect personal space, not to be too rough, not to grab or splash if he's been asked not to do so, or to just chill out.  

I am the mom who worries about what the other kids are saying to him, and his reaction- moving around pool side depending on where he is at,  making me look like the "helicopter mom" that can't leave her kid alone. What you may not understand is that my son's "quirks" and misunderstanding of social cues can make  him a target for ridicule. Even good- natured teasing will confuse him, causing him to get upset and could cause a meltdown.

I am the mom that is on high alert, because my son gravitates towards kids much younger than he is. An older child attempting to play with these younger kids draws the attention, and possible incorrect assumptions about his motives. So I am always having to keep an eye out, reminding him frequently to not be too rough, and isn't there some kids closer to his age he would like to play with?   I understand why he prefers the younger kids sometimes, and will gladly tell you to ease any concerns you might have.

I am the mom keeping an eye on not only my son, but the other kids, whose teenage babysitters are listening to their iPods, texting, or just enjoying the sun, with a cursory glance at their young charges from time to time. What you don't know is what sometimes seems like playing or harmless rough-housing is actually an issue that needs to be addressed, and a good majority of the time, it is not my son instigating it, but not moving away from it either.

I am the mom who feels bad telling her 11 year old son that I would love to play with him in the pool, but doesn't he want to hang out with the other kids? He already deals with so much, I don't want to add to any teasing because he is hanging out with me. The kids are old enough now, that I can't play with all of them like I used to. What you don't know is while my son is  11 years old, he has a developmental delay that makes him more like 9 years old, and playing with me is fun and safe.  I still do play with him, of course and hope he won't be made fun of later.

I am the mom who won't hesitate to chastise an adult, whose child my son knows makes mean remarks to him, and to their mom, who not only laughs, but perpetuates the teasing. I do not tolerate adults who know better acting like this. Your child's behavior and the way they treat my son, and others who have differences is a direct result of your immaturity and lack of compassion. It's people like you that make my job of raising and spreading awareness that much harder.

I am the mom who is beyond thrilled  when other kids are including my son in their games, making him a part of the group and just being 11 year old boys playing "Sharks and Minnows" at the pool.  What you don't know is I am probably holding back tears, and quietly celebrating what you take for granted.

Full Moon Madness and Autism- what IS the connection?

Every month I start seeing the signs. Dramatically (and I do mean DRAMATICALLY) increased energy level. Dramatically increased irritability. Easy to anger. Easy to cry. Disjointed thoughts and  speech patterns. Increased OCD behavior. Increased verbal stimming. Sleeping issues. No need to look at my moon phase app, I know it's that damn full moon again- messing The Boy (and me) all up. To top it off- it's the so called "Super Moon" so there's that.  I really wonder if the tug of the Earth is felt on a deeper level for him, causing everything to be out of whack.

Deluxe Moon 

And this is not unique to my son. All over Facebook and Twitter, spectrum parents are saying virtually the same thing. Our  kiddos are "off". And this isn't just from  parents, teachers say the same thing. So what is it? Are we all suffering from some group hallucination?  I mean, the word "lunatic"  comes from the Latin ‘luna’ meaning  moon and can mean someone who goes mad with the changes of the moon. so is it our kids, or is it us? Maybe our kids actually suffer from lycanthropy and this is the explanation for the Autism dial being turned up to about a bajillion.  (Imagine that- an autistic werewolf...)

Howl at the moon!

According to an article in Scientific American there is a  theory that that the full moon’s ­supposed effects on behavior arise from its influence on water. The human body, after all, is about 80 percent water, so perhaps the moon works its mischievous magic by somehow disrupting the alignment of water molecules in the nervous system. But the article also goes on to say that "the gravitational effects of the moon are far too minuscule to generate any meaningful effects on brain activity, let alone behavior."  So what gives?  This seems to be in direct opposition to the many, MANY folks who say their ASD kiddos act "loony"  during a full moon.  I have read so many theories, some plausible, some ridiculous, but even though "Full Moon Madness" has been supposedly debunked- it is apparent that those doing the "de-bunking" weren't raising or caring for someone on the spectrum.  Or heard the mountain of  anecdotal evidence from law enforcement, labor and delivery nurses, or doctors working in  psychiatric facilities.

So pretty- so maddening!

I am so very tired, the moon is even screwing my sleep patterns up- about 6 hours of sleep over the last 2 nights makes for a VERY crabby mom. The Mister thinks I am crazy - and when I  ask if he remembers the major meltdowns that just happened to coincide with the last  full moon, he just gives me this blank look. I am around The Boy more often, so it's no wonder I see these behaviors I guess. I am either  more in tune with his ups and downs, or I myself am also feeling the effects of the full moon.  

Right now, I am thinking it's after noon on a Sunday-  that's not too early for a glass of wine, right? I am also sending Teenzilla and The Mister to the movies. I would love to take The Boy, but between his behaviors and my exhaustion, we really shouldn't be unleashed on an unsuspecting public. I will just curse that damn moon.

Quella luna pazza- that crazy moon.... 

Photo courtesy of  autismliveshere.com

Deluxe Moon App:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/deluxe-moon-pro-moon-phases/id482361332?mt=8

Oops! Autism still exists beyond April. What happened during Autism Awareness Month?

Well, Autism Awareness Month may be over- but our job as Autism parents never ends.  And even though it is the end of Autism Awareness Month, it is certainly not the end of promoting Autism Acceptance. That is something to work on every day of the year.

Beautiful letter written by an autistic child

I usually do a post a day on Facebook about Autism. This year, between my school, Teenzilla's many endeavors and constant back and forth with The Boy's school- I did not meet that goal. Believe me, it is all about Autism awareness in my house- as it is in ANY autism household. And while a part of me felt like I missed a lot of opportunities, I know that I ceaselessly promote autism awareness and ACCEPTANCE on a daily basis. So I missed some status updates- the world goes on.

I just want everyone to understand and know, that while awareness is necessary, ACCEPTANCE is vital. And  just because the month of April is over doesn't mean the efforts to continue spreading awareness should stop.  “Autism Acceptance”  needs to be applied to every other month of the year. More than that, I want everyone out there to continue spreading just plain old ACCEPTANCE. As we move beyond this month let us all embrace what comes after awareness; acceptance, inclusion, respect and full lives for all of us regardless of our abilities or disabilities. 

Just because someone is "different" doesn't mean they don’t need and deserve to be accepted with open arms by members of their community. We all look, act, learn and behave differently but we should all be treated equally and be afforded the same opportunities

I think May should be dubbed "National Inclusion Month". Inclusion is such important concept when talking about acceptance because true inclusion involves interacting with, communicating with, teaching,  and accepting people. Not just because they’re different but because they’re the same.   Did that just blow your mind? We are all human.  There is no sane reason to exclude individuals with differences or their families. Don't we all deserve the same respect and to be included, despite any "differences"?

What I really, really want EVERYONE to remember  is just because the calendar changes to May- doesn't mean that all persons with autism disappear for another year. Nope. Kids and adults alike with varying forms of autism are still working, living, learning, loving  and existing EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE YEAR!  

It  is great to have an entire month dedicated to the cause,  but autism will continue to affect the lives of families all year round.My challenge to you is to continue to advocate for awareness,education and ACCEPTANCE  of  ASD. The need for answers does not begin and end with the month of April.

So stay strong, keep advocating, and dammit- get a minute for yourself if you can Autie/Aspie parents  caregivers and teachers! We need a little downtime on occasion too. 

Don't forget, I am doing a giveaway on my Facebook page Red Vines and Red Wine- a GREAT book- How to talk to an Autistic Kid, written BY and autistic kid!!  It is wonderful and awesome and I can't wait to find out who the winner is! 

Surviving the football banquet

We made it through another football/cheer season.  The Boy made it through a second season earning the Iron Man Award. This is a pretty awesome achievement- the award is given to players and cheerleaders who make every single practice and game. That is 5 days of 2-2.5 hour practices and games every Saturday. Wind, cold, rain, and not too much play time are just a handful of the things that the kids deal with in a season. And to not miss ONE practice or game- well- that DESERVES an award.  I think that they should start a new award for the PARENTS that are at every single practice and game without fail too....(pssst- it's us in case you were wondering!)

My Iron Man!

The banquet is a long, long, LONG afternoon of coaches talking about their players, many tears, lots of accolades and speeches. Trying to get The Boy to sit with his team and goof around is impossible- he always sits with us, headphones in, playing on his iPad. When it is his turn to accept his awards he does it as quickly as he can.  He won't eat any of the food that is served and usually needs to take a break and get out of the room at some point.  We were pleasantly surprised to hear his head coach tell a funny little story about him today- and I watched with pride as the other coaches all hugged him and congratulated him on a job well done.  Do they have any clue how amazing it is that this kid is actually suiting up every day and playing? That sensory and social issues are a daily struggle? That a developmental delay makes him a bully target and that most of this team of 10-11 year old boys help and encourage him- and never make fun? Do they know how lucky THEY are to have the opportunity to work with him? I think a couple of them do- and they will never fathom the depth of my appreciation for their patience and hard work with him. Thank you guys- it just isn't enough.

Peanut Bowl 2012  Runners Up 

Autism and football don't always mix well. Especially at practice when The Boy is sitting way too much for a practice and gets antsy and acts up.  Not being very aggressive and not wanting to hit is a drawback as well. I mean- it's football! Hitting is what it's all about! And it's not like they are not fully padded. Injuries happen, sure. But learning HOW to hit will help avoid injuries and make a kid a player who gets more play time. Lack of an attention span also is a drawback- I don't know how many times we were yelling from the stands "BRUISER! GET OUT ON THE FIELD!"

Drawbacks or no- he IS trying. He IS growing his limited social skills. He IS learning the game- no small feat for any 10 year old kid- but it is a MAJOR milestone for a kid on the spectrum.

Recently, a story was featured on ESPN about Anthony Starego, an autistic high school senior at Brick High School in New Jersey. Anthony was inspired by Rutgers kicker Jeremy Ito and worked for 6 years to become the amazing kicker he is today.  You can read about him here: Autistic Kicker.  I have also included 3 videos of Anthony you just have to watch. I cry every time I watch- he is such an inspiration.

Kicking  is a repetitive action- he can expect the same thing for every play. Just like playing safety or end- but with the possibility of a lot more play time.  One of his coaches today  said he thought it would be awesome for Bruiser to get into the kicker position.  That, and watching Anthony and hearing his story makes me hopeful for The Boy and his football career. 

Over the next 10 months The Mister will work with The Boy on kicking. I really think he has the opportunity to be GREAT. Now to make HIM believe it is HIS idea- that will make him UNSTOPPABLE! 

                          The Lonesome Kicker

I'm the favorite parent..nananananana!

See how much they love me! 

I am the favorite parent in my house. I say that with a mixture of pride, ego, wonder and shame. Why am I the favorite? Well duh...because I am MOM of course. I know where everything is, I know what everyone is supposed to be doing, I allow before dinner snacks, I do anything they ask me to do- yes- even if they could/should do it themselves. I am not ashamed of this. I love my kids, and they have plenty of independence- even The Boy is getting better about getting his own stuff done. I ENJOY helping and being MOM. They aren't going to be with me forever, and time passes so fast- I intend on making every minute count.

 I wake them up for school with a "Good Morning Sunshine! and a cuddle. I make them whatever they want for breakfast,(ok- within reason on that one) pick out clothes, pack lunches and backpacks- well-just for The Boy now, Teenzilla pretty much takes care of herself in that regard.   The Boy is allowed to watch TV in the morning before school. I give gentle reminders throughout the morning about getting dressed, eating, teeth and hair brushing. I give the final 5 minute warning before we head out the door. Yes- I drive him to school. The sensory overload the school bus can cause is not worth it. The Mister drives Teenzilla- it works out.

But for some reason- if I am not here, there is meltdowns, crying and upset or pissed off kids. Dad runs the mornings with military precision. "GET DRESSED! EAT BREAKFAST! BRUSH TEETH AND HAIR! THEN YOU CAN WATCH TV!"  He is all about getting it all done as quickly as possible. I am too- I just have a gentler hand about it. The crying and "You're mean" and the constant arguing just doesn't happen...not often anyway.

I can bet money on The Boy losing his shit if I am not home in the morning. Hell- anytime I am not around. He comes home crying from practice 2-3 days of the week, sobbing "Dad is so mean!"  to which The Mister replies- "I was just trying to talk to him". This is true- but The Mister just doesn't read The Boy right sometimes. Generally, after practice- The Boy is in a place where he is focused and easy to talk with. But sometimes, that just isn't the case, and dad just doesn't see it.  It's become almost a joke in our house- I walk in the door and someone is yelling or crying and I immediately ask The Mister- "What did you do now?"

 I admit that lately it is getting worse, and more than a little annoying. Even Teenzilla asked The Boy- "Why do you always throw a fit when mom isn't around?" The Boy of course growls at her or tells her "Leave me alone witch"- THAT is a new one that will not be said again- at least not in my presence anyway.  Then Teenzilla says- "You would never have let ME do that!" Oh...silly little girl! You got away with MURDER when you were a wee lass, and turned out pretty damn good in spite of it.

 I have told The Boy repeatedly- you need to stop crying and throwing a fit with Dad when I am not around. There is no reason for it. I know you are used to the way mom does things- but just because I am not there, and it's just dad does not mean things are THAT much different.  Dad loves you and you need to stop telling him he's mean, or horrid or whatever else you say. It is disrespectful and it is going to start getting consequences.

Then he looks at me with those big eyes and says- "But you're the greatest mom in the world and I love you." Teenzilla rolls her eyes and stomps away at that point. The Mister gets an irritated look on his face and shakes his head. Do I recognize the manipulation? Hell yes I do. But I know that  brutal honesty  is part and parcel of autism- and this is him, just being honest.  The Mister says I allow the kids to lay epic guilt trips on me. Sure I do. What mom DOESN'T?! So I stick my tongue out and say "They love me best- so there!"  

The balance of power is constantly shifting- they will get mad at me and  he will get to be Super Favorite Parent for awhile. And that's just fine.

Are we still in middle school? Parent cliques SUCK

Cliques are not limited to school playgrounds and junior high hallways.   They also appear at "back to school night", PTA meetings, sports, even drop off and pick up for school. One dirty little secret of parenthood is that it comes with a pecking order.  We don't leave cliques or peer pressure behind when we grow up or when we become parents. We just graduate to a new level with adults now playing the roles.

If you take an active role in your child's school or activities then you already know this can be  an issue. And just like a clique can be hurtful for a child, it can be hurtful for an adult. Even if you think you left all of that kind of stuff behind when you joined the "grown up world" it can still come bite you in the ass when you are least expecting it. 

It is often the loudest, pushiest parents who seem to be setting the standard on what it looks like to be a caring, attentive, involved mother or father. There is certainly no one standard of "correct" parenting but many adults behave like assholes while pursuing it.  This often becomes most obvious - and obnoxious - as children reach school age or begin extracurricular activities.  

Enter SPORTS. I have been a part of many groups since my kids started school. Volunteer groups, class parents, Girl Scouts, you name it , I probably volunteered for it. I was also teaching at a local preschool, so a lot of people knew me, or at least knew who I was. Then Teenzilla started cheer for the local little league. She had played soccer, and basketball, but never had I encountered such closed ranks as I did within this Football/Cheer organization. after her first year I became an assistant coach- and I loved it! Not only did I get to be around cheer, I was now part of this "Cool Kid Club" filled to the brim with doctors, lawyers, teachers and well known people in the community. The next year I took the head coach position and did that for 3 more years.

This year I am not coaching. I get to be a MOM. I get to watch The Boy practice and sit in the stands for ONLY ONE GAME!!  Teenzilla is all done cheering and is now junior coaching. It is so much more relaxing now at practice.   

But now I am a nobody. The coaches that I worked alongside, cheering victories and mourning losses act as if they don't even know me. I am just another parent at the field, and not a part of their exclusive club any longer. And it stings. I don't expect to be right in the middle of all the action anymore, but damn! To be treated like a virtual stranger, all of the time spent together apparently forgotten, yeah it kinda hurts.

I have tried to become as involved as I can so far- asking about helping the Team Mom and offering to fill in as a sub for the cheerleaders if one of the coaches has to be absent, only to be pretty much blown off. 

So be it. A chapter in my life has come to an end, more abruptly than I would have liked, but I did have a great time while I did it.I am beyond proud that The Boy wants to play again this year. One of the girls wrote an essay last year about a person she admired- and she wrote it about me..pretty damn cool! I made the decision to "retire" as it were, and now I will fulfill my mandatory volunteer commitments and call it good. I have made some good, true friends, and am very happy for that. I will be just as encouraging to all the players as I have always been.   And I will  be the loudest mom in the stands! 

Bring on summer vacation!

There are 8 days left until my kiddos are done with another school year.  8 days of wound up, distracted bundles of nervous energy to coax out of bed and get to school with minimal fuss.  8 days of lunches, finding backpacks, cramming for finals and end of the year parties. 8 days until I get my kiddos to myself for 10 wonderful weeks!

Yes- you heard me right! I am just as wound up and distracted as they are. I am NOT working this summer so I intend to make the absolute most of my time with my spawn.  Now- if you follow my blog at all, you might be saying- Hey! Wait just a minute! You wrote School is almost over. Please pass me my wine. and to an extent that still holds true. There will be the inevitable "I'm BORED's" and bickering that comes along with the kids being home, but I am ok with it this year. Stop laughing! I worked full time for the last 2 summers- and since I have been teaching for the last 12 years, that was a HUGE let down for me. Not being able to hang with the kids really bothered me.

As I blog hop, and hang out on Facebook, I see so many parents that really are dreading summer vacation. Finding stuff to keep them busy, keeping them from rotting in front of a television or computer screen, and, if you are monetarily challenged like we are, thinking up fun "Stay-cations" and cheap entertainment (now that's an oxymoron!) is a pain in the ass. Throw in Autism and now the challenges REALLY begin. I try to keep The Boy's schedule as "same" as possible. Later bedtimes happen, but I try to keep to the same time on them as well.. Anything major we might plan is discussed thoroughly and with plenty of time for him to prepare.   He has  no ESY (extended school year) so that frees up some time. There are 2 football camps he will be attending and  and one 8 week long camp that is 2 nights a week, so that will keep us busy for sure. Swimming at the local pool is also on the agenda, and, if I can get him interested enough- the summer reading program at the library. Add trips to the park and bike rides- and I have a nice chunk covered.

My tricky kid is going to be Teenzilla. She will be a big lazy blob if I let her. And she will be my biggest complainer too. Trying to find stuff to do that works for a 14 year old girl, and a 9 year old boy is interesting to say the least. Most of her friends travel in the summer (must be nice) so she is on her own a lot. She loves hanging out with me- when we can go to the mall, to a movie she likes, etc.etc. But again- that age difference is a killer at times.  She loves the library, so I foresee a lot of time spent there. She and her dad have mentioned something about building a hovercraft (no, I am not joking) this summer. I am sure there will be a couple of trips Up North, lazy days on the pontoon boat, swimming, fireworks and ice cream for breakfast.  We will have a Girls Day Out for her 14th birthday, and I am sure to feel a little bit teary when she leaves for her first day of high school this Fall.

None of this really matters to me though. I get to spend the summer with my kids. I love being a mom, and there will come a day when they will all be out living their own lives-(one of them already is!) and that is  just what I am raising them to do. For now, they are still  my babies. And the excitement of longer days, no homework, staying up later and making s'mores around the backyard bonfire will diminish. There is no way I want to look back and say- Damn, I wish I would have spent more time with my kids.

So bring on summer vacation! Yes, we will be broker than usual. Yes I will most likely bitch about it at some point. Yes they will drive me bonkers on some days. Yes, I will probably have a wine opener in my back pocket at all times.  I.Can't.Wait!

Up North ROCKS!

Here we go again...

Every few weeks or so- the EXTREMELY controversial topic about vaccines and Autism resurfaces to wreak hell and havoc.   I have written about this before, and I am sure will write about it a dozen more times, and I don't expect everyone to agree with me,  I just ask if you disagree- keep it civil.

I am tired of the fighting that goes along with this subject. I am not a doctor, I am not a scientist. What I am is the mom of a child with High Functioning Autism, and there is a part of me that believes that vaccines played a role in it.  There is also a part of me that thinks that because I had gestational diabetes and gave myself insulin shots several times a day is a factor. There is also a part of me that thinks something just didn't develop right when I was growing him. Then- there is the part of me that just doesn't give a shit anymore- because he is doing great, and I am blessed to have a child on the high functioning end of the spectrum, and he is awesome The End.

There has been so much damn confusion on this issue.The now infamous Wakefield saga that began in 1997, where the media reported “Vaccine cause autism!” Since then, there have been accusation, retractions, lawsuits, and more. I blame the media in large part, because they confuse the issue,by claiming that the question has been resolved “once and for all,” and any alternate viewpoints are shot down, and parents that are worried, mad and confused are called "Anti Vaccine Nuts"  How come no mention is ever made on any other studies? What were the conclusions (if any) of  them?  It is so crazy and confusing, and at this point most parents just choose a side and stay with it.  Of course this is dependent on so many things, whether or not you have a child with autism, whether or not you saw a regression, whether or not this, that everything else.  But it really isn't black and white, and unfortunately battles rage on.

The media  reports the Wakefield study as the only reason that parents refuse vaccines, talks about how the findings of The Lancet Study were deemed fraudulent, and then uses the situation to stir up anger and fear towards those who don’t vaccinate. How is this helpful to ANYONE??   How does this do anything to help find out how to prevent the numbers from skyrocketing?  It doesn't.
.

We don’t know if vaccines cause autism. We do not have a final and definitive answer. We have no idea what causes autism- AT ALL! But you can bet your ass there is more than ONE cause, environmental, hereditary- it's all just white noise because of the bickering. 

Let me start by saying- that Wakefield’s paper DID NOT CONCLUDE THAT THE MMR, OR ANY VACCINE, CAUSED AUTISM. 

In Wakefield’s conclusions, he noted the correlation between autism and bowel disease, and also reported finding the measles virus. His final thoughts on the matter? That there was no possible way to say if the MMR vaccine was in any way involved in autism; it was merely an interesting side note, one that bore further research.

The media, as it often does ran with it.“MMR Causes Autism!” How irresponsible was this? It was the cause of  panic, and yes, many parents stopped vaccinating their children without doing any further research. I have NEVER recommended this to anyone who has asked me about vaccinations.  I firmly believe that parents do what they feel is best for their children- and if parents have concerns over vaccinating - RESEARCH!!  My mantra- Educate before you vaccinate!

In 2010, the matter again surfaced as more (false) accusations were brought against Dr. Wakefield, and they were forced to retract the entire paper. Which is  ridiculous, since  the purpose of the paper was to show a correlation between autism and bowel disease, and had nothing at all to do with vaccines. The relationship between autism and bowel disease still exists. But sadly, no one remembers, or even cares what the paper was initially about anyway. 

Parents are reassured over and over that there is “no link” based on “many studies.” At this point, most official media makes  parents who don’t vaccinate look like psychos hell bent on bringing back childhood diseases.  “First they blamed the MMR, but that’s not related. Then they blamed thimerosal, but it’s been removed and autism rates and still rising. Now they’re grasping at straws by trying to say that the vaccine schedule as a whole is causing it. Ridiculous.” Yes- parents have been called everything from, ridiculous, to stupid, to terrorists! Are you fucking kidding me??   

Honest concerns parents have about their child’s health and safety are completely ignored. It is disgusting that public officials are so non-responsive, evasive and blatantly hostile to parents that are asking important and intelligent questions.  And now, parents who do question vaccine safety are ridiculed and  labeled as "crazy", and doctors are literally "firing" parents who have the audacity to ask. 

After much digging I found this site Fourteen Studies.  There HAVE been many studies completed,  at least 19 that the media frequently cites. Pay attention, several of the studies are reviews, do not ask any relevant questions, and are written primarily by those with huge conflicts of interest (CDC employees, pharmaceutical employees in the vaccine division). For example, one study looks at differences between children who received all the same vaccines, but at different times. This does not  assess the effect of vaccines on childrens’ immune systems. These studies are primarily used to “prove” that there is no association, but they really deserve a second, third and fourth look.

There are 34 PUBLISHED studies suggesting there MAY be a link between vaccines and autism, but you NEVER hear about them do you? The point is — there are a lot of studies that have been done, and the conclusions currently support both sides of the issue. 

There is absolutely no way that anyone can say the question is completely settled, because it is  not. There are zillions of questions that haven’t even been asked yet. To date, there are no published studies comparing completely unvaccinated children with vaccinated children. There are no studies that look at the safety of the vaccine schedule as a whole. There are no studies that look at individual vaccines beyond a 6-week period. There are no studies that compare vaccines to a placebo, only to previously manufactured vaccines.

So parents are left  in a very difficult and frightening position, to try to make a decision about what is best for their children without all the information they need and nowhere to get it!

 It all really boils down to doing what we feel is best for OUR kids.  Parents need to feel safe asking questions about vaccinating, not made to feel like they are crazy, or bad. And until we all stop relying on everything the news tells us as gospel truth- there is no end in sight.

Selfish, Spoiled and Pampered- Raising kids in the GIMME MORE generation

I spoil my kids- if you consider spoiling them loving the hell out of them, making their favorite desserts out of the blue, making sure they have a really good breakfast the morning of an exam, letting them have friends over, taking them to the doctor and dentist, putting braces on their teeth so they don't have snaggle smiles- you know all the things a parent does. I buy them stuff-  1 or 2 extravagant toys at Christmas- when I can afford them.  Cute clothes, take them to movies, again- normal stuff a parent does, or tries to do.

Let me paint a picture of the modern teen. Rather spoiled and generally obsessed with shopping for labels and brand name items. Today,fancy electronic gadgets are everywhere, and every tween and teen just HAS to have them- because of course "ALL my friends have one"  so parents, in some bizarre competition with other parents make sure they get whatever they can- and call it love. From cell phones to laptops to iPods, many youths have established themselves as walking, talking digital units who devote a good portion of their day on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and of course the incessant texting.

Not as preposterous as one might think

But now let me paint you a picture of the modern elementary school child. *See above*.  Yes- kids as young as 6 & 7 have fancy cell phones, iPads and PSP's- IN THE SECOND GRADE!!!  Ridiculous- right? 

My oldest, The 20-Something got his first cell phone at 16. In the last 5 years, I have bought him one other cell phone. Until recently, when he turned 21- and I got him an iPhone. At 21 years old.  With the promise that he will be moving out..SOON. 

My Teenzilla got her first cell phone and mini laptop at age 11.   "But mooommmm...ALL my friends have one". And I don't want her to be the one to go without. So pester power prevails, and BAM- now at 13 she has  a regular laptop and was pissed- PISSED- that I bought her 21 YEAR OLD brother an iPhone and not her!  I got her a new cellphone, it's a smart phone, it's cool and all, and best of all it was FREE. But all she needs it for is letting me know where she is and texting her friends- she does not need the latest supermegafancyawesometastic phone out there. SHE IS 13!!!  But you would think I was telling her I was cutting off her arm, because now ANOTHER friend got an Evo- and why didn't I get that phone..wah, wah, wah. 

Overall we’re all just doing our best to raise well-rounded, caring human beings aren’t we? In my opinion that means people who treasure friendship above material possessions and who don’t stress the small stuff , like cell phones, and such.

And- if we indulge their every whim at such a young age- the newest, bestest, neatest cell phone, the newest, bestest, neatest portable game system, what do they have to look forward to? If they get all this stuff at 7,8,9,10- what do they have to look forward to when they turn 13,16,18,21?? These are milestone birthdays- and telling a kiddo that they have to wait until one of them to get something  supermegafancyawesometastic - doesn't that make it more special? What do our kids have to look forward to- if we keep letting them grow up too fast?  

My kids aren't lacking- don't get me wrong.  I know what it’s like to want to give your kids everything. I struggle to keep myself from buying stuff for the kids when we are out. I want to see them happy and it’s a super feeling seeing a kid’s face light up when they get something new.  And yes- I am guilty of over compensating for time not spent. But not often- I am always broke, as Teenzilla likes to point out to me all the time. 

And what about the pressure on the kids themselves? Yeah- kids feel the pressure too...not considered good enough because of their lack of the newest gizmo.  But these are problems that don't normally arise until late middle school and high school. And that extends to everything from clothes to cars and has been going on FOREVER.  But it's  now getting to be that way as early as 1st and 2nd grade- with 10-11 years in school to go! 

I say- give them something to look forward to- yes it's hard to hear how they are being left out of a particular group at school, and yes it's hard to say no sometimes- believe me- I know! But having something to look forward to is a great thing- it's a great way to be happy. And don't we as parents really want that more than anything else for our kids?

I don't swear that f&*%$ing much!

 *Warning: This post contains liberal use of many swear words. Especially the "F" word.  If you tend to be put off by four letter words -stop here.

I really don't

Fuckshitdamnbitchhellcrap. Swearing. We all do it to some degree. And don't you dare play all innocent with me. I am willing to be that just about EVERYBODY has uttered at least one expletive in their life- even if nobody was around to hear it.  

I have tried to be that mom- the one who demoralizes swearing. No words are BAD words- depending on the context. Not that I wanna hear FUCK coming out of my little darlings pie hole ( oh - and it has, on more than one occasion) but I feel that if I tell them not to do it-but yet I turn around and do it- it's not much of a lesson, right?  I am not a "do as I say not as I do" type parent.  I don't advocate using profanity- I just don't make a HUGE fucking deal out of it.  (see what I mean?)

I was having a conversation with my mister this morning. Just a normal, run of the mill, husband/wife type conversation. Both Teenzilla and The Boy were in the same room.  I can't remember exactly what prompted it, but I left the room, and over my shoulder I said "Fuck You" to the hubs...not angrily- we had been joking about something and that was my response. Neither kid reacted- well- The Boy does censor me- when I use spicy language he says "HEY" very loudly- and I usually apologize and continue on with whatever I was talking about.   

 

This got me thinking- growing up I heard my share of swearing. Shit, dammit, asshole, sonofabitch, these were things I heard, albeit sporadically. If either of my parents uttered the word Fuck it stopped me in my tracks. That was a word that just wasn't said out of the blue- if at all...not when I was growing up anyway. My parents uttering the mack daddy of all swear words was reason for me to hide- shit was going down and I didn't want to be around.  

But now- raising my kids- the word fuck is just that. A word. Not a very nice word to be sure- but just a word that has a time and place. Not at school, not at Grandma's house, not in front of younger kiddos, but there are times. Hurting yourself really bad for instance- that is cause to say Fuck.  Being irritated at school and saying "What the fuck" not OK. (Yes that happened- The Boy said that at after school care. Luckily I was there and diffused the situation quickly)  

I don't spew curse words in every conversation, around other people's kids, or in public. Like I said- there are times and places for these "language enhancers" (thank you Spongebob) and in the middle of Target or surrounded by kids at the local park are not them.  I would NEVER dream of using the word fuck in any connotation around my Grandma.  But in the comfort of my own home- with only my family around? You bet your sweet ass I use them . All the fucking time. Unless The Boy is censoring me- then I just say them quietly...

So for all of you that think I am a terrible,cock-a-doodie dirty birdie...so sorry. Words are words are words. How we choose to wield them is what gives them meaning- good or bad.  I could say fuck off ya fuckin fucks- but that is pretty rude. I did put a disclaimer at the top of this blog- AND the title alone should have given you an idea you wouldn't like this subject matter- so I can only assume you kept reading so you could get all pissed off and make a rude comment- so in that case Off is the direction in which I would like you to fuck... 

This is fucking amazing!
http://www.geeky-gadgets.com/periodic-table-of-swearing-any-bad-word-just-a-click-away-video-11-12-2011/

Play Dates with Autism and a host of other acronyms

There are certain words and phrases automatically strike fear in the hearts of parents of autistic children. Summer vacation. Low battery. Out of Goldfish crackers.  

The one that has always got me is "Play date"  The boy is 9 now- is it still considered a "play date?" What else could I call it? Hanging out? Bouncing off the walls followed by an overstimulated meltdown? That last one kinda takes the shine off what should be a fun time.  

Since social and play skills are a pretty standard deficits amongst children with autism, parents are encouraged to organize play dates with typically developing peers so that our kids can model their play schemes and behaviors.  I used to do this. When The Boy was in preschool and in kindergarten- I went out of my way to go to any and all play dates that were offered...and became a part of a babysitting exchange just for the opportunity to watch some neurotypical kids- and give The Boy an opportunity to go to their homes.  Because  we all know everything that neurotypical children do is so great and our ASD kiddos NEED to learn how to play like them. (Heavy on the sarcasm here...ok)

Try organizing a play date with other kids on the spectrum- or that have AD/HD. Or OCD. Or ODD. Or are EI. (emotionally impaired) That also gets tricky. Because - and I am being brutally honest here- there are days I can barely stand my own kid's incessant chatter about dinosaurs and Pokemon,  bouncing off the walls, picky eating habits and tendency to be drawn to all things electronic as opposed to real life interactions. I have never thought to myself  "Hey- The Boy is completely unpredictable at times, let’s invite  another one into the mix and see how crazy shit can get up in here"

Not to say we haven't had successful play dates over the years- sure we have. With both neurotypical kids AND kids on the spectrum, or AD/HD, or any other acronym you wanna throw out there. The dynamics are COMPLETELY  different of course, but one thing never changes- and that is my hovering, making sure to explain something The Boy may have just said or done that has the typical kid looking at him strangely, or diffusing what could be a very dangerous situation when two kiddos on the spectrum disagree about something- anything.   But we have survived them, and not been any worse off after. 

The scenario now: The Boy has this friend. He is in the special ed class he is in. Yeah- the school where he was to be fully mainstreamed and yet still goes to a special ed class... that is a rant for another time. This friend is the same age as The Boy. He is also EXTRAORDINARILY AD/HD. He is also very immature for his age and I suspect very emotionally impaired (EI). I have had the opportunity to work with this boy in the after school program where I work as well. I know him pretty well. And when he has a bad day he has a BAD day. An only child, he is VERY bossy and insists everything be done his way, and The Boy will do whatever he says to do- because he thinks this is how to be a good friend. ( remember the social issues thing?) We are working on that.  I truly like this kid and I feel bad because he really doesn't seem to have any other friends- with the exception of my kid anyway.  This makes my heart hurt. I see and hear how he gets picked on- and - at least in my program anyway- it is NEVER allowed.  But I only have these opportunities  for a few hours a week, and believe me - there are times I could just sit down and cry after he gets picked up. Especially when The Boy is with us..it can get wacky.  This friend can be VERY aggressive, and shouts things like "LEAVE ME ALONE I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" when other kids are upsetting him. I have had to stop him from hitting a few times too.  But he truly seems to like The Boy, and the feeling is quite mutual. There have been times when my boy has told him to "Calm Down!"  making me feel pretty damn proud- but also wondering if fostering the friendship will cause The Boy to pick up bad behaviors not previously had- or grown out of. 

I mean, everyone wants their kid to be around, if not typical, then “higher-functioning” kids. But if most of us are somewhere in the middle, there’s always someone “higher” and there’s always someone “lower”.I may be leery of having The Boy  have a  play date with a kid who displays aggressive behaviors,  but trust me, there are plenty of kids that AREN'T lining up for play dates with him.  In the long run- I just want The Boy to have fun and be happy- regardless of the "functioning" abilities of a friend. Now- if that friend hurts my kid, starts setting fires or neighborhood puppies start disappearing- that would be a game changer. 

So today- I dove right in- talked to the mom- invited the friend over for a few hours. Now- just so you have an idea - here we have 2 nine  year old boys- both VERY into dinosaurs and Pokemon.  Both with developmental delays. One with Autism, AD/HD,  and OCD. The other severely AD/HD and suspected EI.  

It all started out great- both excited, both wanting to play different things on different electronic devices, but getting along ok...I mean- they weren't interacting a whole lot, and I was doing my best not to hover or shove them together.  There was chasing of the cat, running up and down the stairs- "normal" stuff. Then the Nerf Guns came into play. Which I was all for- they were playing TOGETHER and not on the Wii/computer/DS/iPad either. But our house is small- and it is unusually mild for January in MI, so I sent them outside. 

Within about 2 minutes of being outside- the friend decided to hit the basement window with the Nerf gun- "to see if it was plastic". It wasn't.  There was a slurry of  "I'm sorry's" and the threat of tears and a meltdown.  I didn't explode- I made sure nobody was hurt, and hubby got all the glass and boarded the window up.   I asked what happened-they told me and ran off.   So now I wonder- should I call mom? He's only been at my house for 30 minutes. I debated for a minute and then I.Let.It.Go.  Let it go! I mean- what the hell was I going to do?    

The rest of the afternoon went fine- excited and loud but fine. Then I started wondering- do I tell his mom? I mean- the kid did break a window- but it was the basement window and can be replaced fairly inexpensively (I hope). This was the first time they have played together outside of school, and it was an accident. Sort of. In the end- I didn't say a damn thing.  Right or wrong- I don't know and don't care. Maybe The Boy will go over to their house and break something. But with my luck it would be the plasma TV.