Hate my diagnosis- hate me? I don't think so.

I read a blog today titled "You can't hate Autism and expect acceptance" by Mama Be Good. It was a very well written article that I completely disagree with.

"A parent cannot fully and unconditionally accept his child, but not "the autism."  That's not unconditional.  That's not acceptance.

Why? Children quickly and easily feel their parent's negative emotions and they internalize it, believing that they are at fault for their parent's stress.  While you think you can separate out "the autism" from your child, hating the negative symptoms while loving the child, your child doesn't make such fine distinctions.  He will recognize the feeling, maybe only subconsciously, and he will translate it to "I am acceptable only if I hide part of me.  That part of me is shameful.  There is something wrong with me." "

I think that nothing could be further from the truth. The Boy is awesome, sweet, lovable, smart and IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM DEFINED BY AUTISM!  Just as he is not defined by his blonde hair or blue eyes- he is who he is and that is that. I love my son- I love his quirks, I love his honesty and I love his complete lack of judgement for anyone else. I can and will say that I hate autism. On the days he just can't function- where everything is too bright, too loud, too something. The nights when he doesn't sleep, the looks on the kids faces that just don't get him at all when he is talking completely in movie and TV phrases- or meltdowns because "something" is wrong. Yeah- I DO hate autism on those days. As he gets older he is doing so much better. But just because I hate autism does not mean I do not accept my child- nor hate HIM in any way.  I say it all the time- Autism DOES NOT define my son. He is who he is and autism did NOT make him that way. If he didn't have autism would he be a better person?  Easier to love? You can love your child, and hate their diagnosis- it IS possible- and NO it doesn't make you a bad parent.

I say I hate it because it makes life so much more difficult than it needs to be for The Boy.  He misses out on the things that others  take for granted. Birthday parties, playdates, sleepovers, being able to have a conversation, (NOT in movie or TV speak) having independence and age typical skills. Just because I want and work for people to be "accepting" does not change at all how life is for him...and the worry I have for his future.  

I hate the emotional roller coaster that is Autism.  I will not embrace it. I see on a daily basis what The Boy is missing out on- even with all of his amazing progress. And it pisses me off- and dammit I am allowed to be pissed off and hate Autism. This makes me work harder at advocacy, changing perceptions, and helping to change things. 

I don't hate one tiny thing about HIM. Autism isn't HIM. He is The Boy- plain and simple and I adore him.

Me and my boy. Love him- HATE Autism!

Sippy Cups Anonymous

There are a few stages that all parents go through with their kids- usually at about the same time. One being The Sippy Cup.  This magical transition from bottle to cup, baby to toddler, a milestone to be recorded in the baby book and calls placed to all your family and friends touting your BIG KID'S accomplishment! (Unless of course it's kid # 3 or #4- in which case it's just a blip on your radar.)

The ONLY sippy cup I want in my house

 My oldest and middle kids both graduated to sippy cups between 1.5 and 3 (YES THREE..SHUT UP!). Teenzilla had a harder time than The Oldest, she was  is a very stubborn little girl.  The Oldest- he did pretty well giving his bottle up- a few tears, some back sliding when Nana would give in- but he was done with the bottle right at 2 years old- big round of applause for me! ( just kidding- really) Now Teenzilla- that was a nightmare. We did the water only in the bottle and what she really wanted to drink in the sippy- which she promptly responded to by hurling the cup as hard as she could. We let her cry it out - and she could cryandcryandcryandcry- her will was MUCH  

stronger than mine. She was well over 2 years old before she was completely "bottle broke" GASP! 

 Nowadays if you don't have your baby off a bottle, drinking from a sippy and feeding themselves BEFORE 2 years old- you are a horrible parent and you are destroying your child's teeth, creating speech problems and attachment issues.  I personally think that's all a load of bullshit- but that's me. 

Now there is The Boy. He is 9. He will be 10 in July. And he still drinks from a sippy cup. Oh- I could blame it all on the autism, I could say he has a hard time drinking from a regular cup ( he kind of does- he prefers straws all the time) but really - it is all about the meds he takes.  He started taking medication to help him sleep at 3 years old. Because up until then HE DIDN'T SLEEP.  So after the autism diagnosis- he was prescribed Clonidine - or rather it's generic equivalent- Catapres- which put him to sleep.

Initially we would crush it up and feed it to him in pudding. Then he started giving foods up he used to love, pudding being one of them, and caught on to us trying to feed him the crushed up meds in anything else. He quickly wised up to the "It's sprinkles" lie. So then- because we had liked  being able to sleep again- we decided to crush it to a fine powder and put it in juice. In a sippy cup. Yes, at night. Because- along with the bottle I finally got rid of at 3 years old, he also gave up drinking milk. No chocolate milk, no soy milk....no milk at all.  So watered down apple juice it was. 

Yup- this looks like ours

And now-even though The Mister swears he knows he takes medication-he gets a sippy cup with juice in the morning for the ADHD meds, and one at night for the Catapres.  We have had the same 2 Spongebob sippy cups for about 4 years now- and I refuse to buy more.  But until he can either A) Swallow a pill or B) Be persuaded to take the meds  crushed up in ice cream or something he likes I feel we are stuck.  

My biggest fear is that one of his classmates will find out about it. That is NOT the way I want him to give it up.  My heart is pre-broken just thinking about that disaster.   Now I need MY sippy cup....

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

What happened to children being taught to have respect for other people? Respect means treating others the way we would want to be treated. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. It’s perhaps the most important thing we can teach our children. Respect impacts every relationship and interaction we have in life. One of a child’s most basic emotional needs is to be treated with respect. Where do they learn it? From us.  


I shake my head in disbelief and complete disappointment in parents these days, who are ignoring their responsibility to be tough but loving, teaching and training their children in matters of respect towards their parents and other authority figures. 


I am seeing this more and more as Teenzilla gets older. I was shocked at the way a fellow teammate of hers spoke to me- literally telling me "If you have a problem take it up with my mom" I swear- if she would have been mine she would have been picking her fucking teeth up off the ground. How does a parent allow a child to talk to OTHER ADULTS this way?  


I guess I am lucky. I have a teen girl who can be a total jerk sometimes- but she is respectful of other adults- even if she doesn't like them, or agree with them. I feel like I have taught her something very important. I model the same behavior. We can trash talk later- but when that adult is in front of you- you damn well better smile and fake it.  You call adults "Mr, Mrs. or Coach" you DO NOT call them by their first names unless invited to do so- and even then I insist that my kids RESPECTFULLY address them as such. 


I am "Ms. Dawn" to a whole lot of kids- I taught them in preschool and that is who I have always been to them. But I have noticed as they get older- more of them refer to me as "Mrs. Barnsdale" and that is just fine.  Teenzilla's closest friends still call me "Ms. Dawn" and I am ok with that. I am also a coach. And regardless of what team I am coaching, I expect ALL of the players to call me Coach Dawn- I refuse to answer if they don't.  


I am a laid back person. I play around with the kids, joke and be silly too. But I make it clear where the line is- and make it clear if it is crossed. I may be "The Cool Mom" but I am still a mom, not a friend.  And I am getting old now- so these nasty, rude, disrespectful, out of control kids that think they can speak to me like I am one of them are in for a rude awakening and so are their parents.  I can respectfully tell them to get their spawn under control, and pretty much tell them to fuck off in such a way that they don't even realize it. 

I wish I could say I feel sorry for these parents as their kids get older and the attitudes get worse, but I don't. There is a difference between a brat and a disrespectful little shit. Brats want attention, disrespectful little shits are a product of their upbringing- a good majority anyway. There are always those kids that just can't be reached no matter how good the parenting is.  But that doesn't give parents a right to stop trying. Unfortunately too many will give up- and the kids are the ones that ultimately pay the price. 

Bad kids = Bad parents?

Hello. My name is Dawn and I have a bad kid.  Now- before all the haters start judging my parenting skills- this bad kid of mine is now 20 years old and  he didn't start out bad. Born to a scared 17 year old girl, and the baby daddy wanted nothing to do with us- yeah- not the most auspicious  beginning.  But I had an amazingly supportive family who doted on him and he was raised in a wonderful home with loving people all around him. So what the fuck happened??

Not that there weren't speed bumps along the way. I mean- 17 years old, a mom, going to night school to get my high school diploma, missing out on the last year of high school with my friends and having to grow up in a hurry- well I was almost set up for failure. And there were no MTV shows for me to get on to glorify being a unwed teen mom. I made my bed (insert sarcastic tone) and I owned up to it and did the best job I knew how to do. Include aforementioned supportive family and I was damn lucky.  A brief relationship with a much older man who turned out to be an abusive bastard was also one of those bumps. Again- my amazing parents were there for both of us- and nobody could say this kid wasn't loved.

My oldest child is an amazing artist, a talented writer and an aspiring musician. He is smart. Scary smart. Even as a young kid he used to amaze me with his genius.  what he lacks is ANY common sense. As kids grow- it is our jobs as parents to instill some common sense in them- age appropriately of course- and as they grow they start coming to common sense conclusions on their own right? Well, not in my son's case.  Even as a toddler- he was never one of those kids that would do something (i.e. put his hand on an open oven door and burn himself) and as a parent I could say "Well- he will never do that again"  He has always insisted that everything be HIS way. And if it wasn't he would do his damnedest to make it happen- most often ending in him being in trouble. 

Luckily I learned VERY early on in raising him that I would have to be extra vigilant- and always try to be at least one step ahead of him to avoid him getting hurt.  I wasn't always able to be though- hence the stitches received because he and some friends at the age of 8 decided to break glass bottles in an alley behind our house, the broken arm from jumping off a fence while supposedly at the library studying in 6th grade and countless other small mishaps over the years.

But physical trauma aside- his insistence that EVERYONE is out to get him astounds me- he truly is convinced that he does nothing wrong and everyone else is wrong and stupid.  He has been this way since being caught stealing treats from the kindergarten treat jar- and then telling the teacher I didn't feed him. He has a serious lying problem. He will lie about anything and everything and do it while looking you dead in the eye.  And where most people have "tells" when they are lying- he has none.

Some people are just born with no sense of remorse, and it shows up very early. Sociopaths are born that way--it's not the parents' fault. This does not mean I think that we as parents are blameless. I believe strong, consistent parenting is very critical to a child's mental and social development- but some kids just can't be reached..and I fear mine is one of them.


We have sought several different counseling methods over the years. His lying spills over into that- and he convinces himself it is the truth. We have had male counselors, female counselors, counselors who wanted to chase the evil from him (that was fucking weird and not at all what we expected) family counseling, individual counseling and have not found ANY answers. I truly believe he has either Bipolar disorder or Oppositional Defiance Disorder- but have yet to find a therapist who will go down that road and help us- or send us somewhere that can.

The last 3 years has been nothing but heartache, stress and misery where he is concerned because he thinks he is the wronged party all the time. He self medicates with alcohol and drugs and stole and totaled my brand new Trailblazer- luckily not hurting himself or anyone else but causing him to rack up almost 7 grand worth of fines and fees and ultimately ended up with him spending three months in jail.

You would think that jail time would straighten him up. Nope.  He recently asked to move home because he needed our help and support. Of course we said yes- he is my kid- I will do anything for him. Since being home he has done nothing but party, "borrow" money, have people over to my house at all hours (after being told REPEATEDLY not to) he is not a good influence on my very impressionable  almost 13 year old daughter or my autistic son.

His dad (step dad- but we have never called him that) and I have told him over and over he will not be allowed to live here if he keeps it up. I'm sorry he says- as if that fixes anything. He has recently been acting in a manner that has us thinking he is approaching a major breakdown..fueled again by alcohol and drugs- and it's terrifying to watch and be helpless to stop it.

I am researching involuntary commitment of some sort- but the state of Michigan SUCKS for finding mental health help. Especially now that he is 20 years old. We went through this shot at 16,17, and 18 too and couldn't find the proper help. He was taken to the hospital by the police in a massive drunken rage and the hospital allowed a 16 year old kid to WALK THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOSPITAL.  Yes folks- walked out- not one person tried to stop him. And I had just walked away from him to have a cigarette because I couldn't take the hateful venom he was spewing at me. I even asked if he should be restrained- and they said Oh no- he is being very cooperative. I felt like a character in one of those movies where nobody believes you when you tell them something bad is going to happen.

The way you parent your child obviously plays the biggest role in how they will "turn out" but at some point, a kid chooses his own path. And while there are bad parents out there- I truly do not put myself or my husband in that category. Society  will judge us as parents, even though we believe that mental illness plays a much larger role in his chronic bad behavior.  

Parenting is a never ending education. Throw in an autistic child and now things really get fun.  I am NOT perfect, and if the perfect mommy is out there reading this- please email me so I can get some helpful hints. 

I don't know are some people just bad people naturally, in spite of their parents’ best efforts?

Son...you have autism.

I have a confession to make. My son was diagnosed with Autism at 3.5 years old. He is now 8 years old and I have yet to tell him about his "condition". We told his brother and sister right away. It gave them a sense of understanding that he was different.  Now they had a reason why he was as he was. The word Autism itself helped them adjust to who he had always been and who he would become.

  He sees a neurologist, which we just call going to the doctor, he takes meds for extreme ADHD and meds to sleep at night. He is in an autistic class and has been since mid kindergarten. His dad says that he knows he's different. That very may well be, but I have never put a name to it- not for him anyway. And dammit- I want to be able to tell him he's not so different- even though his diagnosis means he IS!  

I don't even know where I would begin- what is appropriate to say and not to say and how much could he understand anyway? He is only 8 years old after all. I don't want to make him feel self conscious about some of his behaviors, but I also want him to embrace the things that make him shine- without feeling like it's negative, or not looked upon favorably by "normal" people.

I watch the show Parenthood- fantastic show- amazing writing- and a very well done take on a family dealing with Asperger's Syndrome. Now my son is diagnosed High Functioning Autism (HFA) which only differs from Aspergers in that he did not have normal speech development.  They are dealing with telling their son about his Aspergers.  Very emotional show for me, as I can see what fictional characters do, and I can comment on what I thought they were doing right/wrong. And it really got my mind working- how will I tell my son? When will I tell my son? How will he react? Will I cry? Will my husband cry? There are so many questions I just want to put it on the shelf for now and wait it out.

I then come to another bump in the road-  the school he is in has autistic classes. The students in the entire school are aware and very accepting of the autistic students. Our goal is to have him return to school where we live next year. The student population here is not taught to be as accepting. I am worried that some of the teachers might not be either.  So now I really have to think about talking to him so he is prepared for what he might experience. 

He is a bright kid- I do agree with my husband that he knows he is "different"  than other kids his age. I also know he is his own worst critic (aren't we all!) but the Autism seems to amplify those feelings of inadequacy and fear of failing  to the point of near meltdown. This is one of the biggest negative things to have to deal with. If you have ever witnessed a full blown autistic meltdown then you know what I am saying.  If you haven't...well...I really can't describe it for you. Think a "normal" child's tantrum and then multiply that by 1000.

I am not ashamed of my son's autism- but I can say I wish he wasn't autistic. The diagnosis of autism is traumatizing for a parent- and when I do end up telling him I want to AVOID traumatizing him. But I need to be able to be objective and I don't see how I can- this is MY kid.  I want him to know all the strengths he has- being able to name nearly every dinosaur and tell me what period they lived in.  Knowing all gazillion Pokemon and their respective powers. These are amazing memory skills that not everyone possesses.  But then there is the flip-side of the diagnosis. There are negatives- and while I don't want to dwell on them he still needs to know. The  meltdowns, inability to focus and get school work done,  trouble with organization, and  inability to block out noise.  His lack of social skills in starting and maintaining and then ending a conversation. These unfortunately are the darkness to the light and completely unavoidable.

The day is fast approaching when the conversation will have to be had, I have a lot of food for thought- books to look into as well as parents of other kids on the spectrum to help guide me through.  My biggest goal- to make sure he knows that yes, he is different- but he was made that way for a reason- and to accept and embrace his differences will make it easier on others around him to accept and embrace his differences as well.

http://www.amazon.com/Different-Like-Me-Autism-Heroes/dp/1843108151/ref=pd_sim_b_4

The care and feeding of a 12 year old girl

Have you ever tried to really figure out the mind, thoughts or emotions of a tweenage girl? DON'T!!  Trying to decipher my 12 year old has me banging my head on the wall..literally. She is a moody, snippy emotional wreck most of the time. 

The rest of the time she is a funny, smart, talented girl who is a pleasure to be around..unfortunately that side is losing it's majority vote.  While she is not "officially" a teenager yet- she has been on the path since toddler hood. I knew from a very early age that my beautiful princeASS was going to be a headstrong, opinionated, confident ,young lady. Don't get me wrong. These are all good traits to have- but they come with a downside...a whining, eye rolling, foot stomping, door slamming downside.

Since beginning middle school my daughter has changed so rapidly- she grew 3 inches, got boobs, started her period and discovered boys.  Yes-boys. The hormones are strong with this one, and I am considering locking her in a cage or making her wear a chastity belt, or strapping her budding chest down with an ace bandage- any other ideas are welcome.

We are currently dealing with her first crush/heartbreak. She started liking this boy at the end of 6th grade. It was cute, awww..baby girl likes a boy. Harmless right? This young man was very polite and cute too. Unfortunately he is also dealing with some issues of his own, things I can't really understand and I know that my daughter- despite her mature facade- is incapable of dealing with. So her father and I said that it was to be a friends only relationship- telling her she was too young, etc. etc.  Summer went by- she was busy- I didn't hear anymore- that was the end of it right?

Recently I have heard some disturbing things from other friends and other friends moms. They are apparently a "couple" and she is head over heels for this boy. Something I was completely blown away by when it came to my attention. I stalk her Facebook and her phone and have seen no signs...what did I miss and when? I asked her about it- and my normally chatty daughter clammed up and claimed that they were friends and nothing else. I reiterated my rules- no dating, no boyfriends at 12 years old. We will revisit the topic later on down the road. 

Then came the first boy/girl birthday/movie party. This also caught me off guard as she never told me that boys were invited as well- one of them being THE boy. I spoke with the mom and they were going to be chaperoning so I let her go.  And again- I hear the very disturbing "She REALLY likes this boy" *sigh* Now I have to bring the hammer down and it's not going to be pretty.

So-  I sat her down to talk. I told her I didn't appreciate being lied to, and this was unacceptable and she is NOT allowed to have a boyfriend, she is only 12 years old and if I had to be a hard ass then I would.
Cue sobbing. Cue yelling  "You don't understand!"  Enter more lying as she tries to tell me he is just a friend. Not fooled little girl- those tears are not for a "friend"  Then there is me- pulling out the angry mom voice- telling her in no uncertain terms that this is to cease and desist immediately or there will be some very serious consequences.  Exit sobbing daughter- stomping up the stairs slamming bedroom door and cranking music up.  Dad looking completely shell shocked and me feeling like I was just run over by a truck.

This will certainly not be the last time we deal with such things but it has completely thrown me. After a couple of days of monosyllabic grunts and extra moodiness she is perking up again. The control freak in me is going crazy because while I can control what is going on at home, on the computer and phone and outings- I can't do that at school. So now I have to trust her not to lie to me- and that is hard. She's a kid, this is her first "love" I remember what that was like- it was wonderful, awful, amazing and terrifying.  I am watching her grow up- and let me tell you there is nothing more  frustrating  and scary  than being witness to your baby girl turning into a woman. But the transformation is not complete. She is still a little girl, whether she likes it or not and I intend on keeping it that way for as long as I possibly can.

Parent Teacher Conferences- do I have to go?

Halloween has come and gone- and for parents of school age kids that means the dreaded (or happily anticipated) Parent Teacher Conference. Parents hope that they hear good things about their child- "Little Johnny is an amazing speller" or "Little Judy is such a sweet and considerate child." Nothing will ruin an evening faster than finding out the 2nd grade teacher thinks your child is the next Charles Manson AND they have terrible handwriting.

Teachers have a ton of work to do to get ready- all the examples of work done, their grades and explanations as to why they have them,strengths and weaknesses of each child, funny anecdotes and/or concerns that need to be addressed.  They hope that all the parents show up on time, and that one parent- (usually Charles Manson's mom) doesn't come in yelling about how it is the teacher's fault their child was attempting to light Little Judy's hair on fire because he just "wasn't being challenged".

Students with good grades and behavior love conferences, other students think of it much like a trip to the dentist  As a kid, you hope that you can keep your worlds separate… there is nothing worse than seeing your teacher and mom sharing information about you. Nothing good can come out of this awkward and uncomfortable situation.

I go to all my children's conferences. One memorable (and regrettable) was my oldest child's 8th grade year- the middle school years are the time when "speed conferences" come into play- 2-3 minutes with each teacher and then moving on. I can recall with horrible clarity when my husband and I sat down with the computer teacher- introduced ourselves as our son's parents and her reaction was "You are D.'s parents?  He is a bad boy!" I remember feeling like someone just punched me in the gut- and an overwhelming desire to say - oh- did I say "D"? No, no no- I meant (insert good student name here)" This feeling followed immediately by "Bitch- that's my kid you're talking about- back off."

The rest of his school career parent teacher conference time was one of dread and worry. I admit- I skipped out a couple of times. Slacker mom? Not so much- just a mom who hated to hear anything negative about her kid, a mom who was painfully aware of her child's issues and a mom who had a hard time holding her temper. I thought it would be best for my son if I just arranged a phone or email conversation to avoid any unpleasant (and perhaps felonious) incidents.

Then the middle child- my daughter started school. I have LOVED attending each and every one of her conferences. Always the same things- she's sweet, wonderful, a leader, great reader, perfect speller, etc.She is amazing I am so proud of her! But, to be honest - it has gotten boring. A good kind of boring to be sure- but boring.  In fact- last year when she began middle school- parents of children with all A's and B's were told they didn't even have to come. In other words-we aren't going to sing your child's praises anymore- if there is a problem we'll let ya know. No problem! Cross that thing off of the never ending to do list!

Then the youngest started school. Having an autistic child is a mainstream classroom where the teacher only focuses on what is wrong is a nightmare at conference time. During that first conference ( when he was in kindergarten) I had an almost overwhelming urge to reach across the pint size desk and pop that teacher right in the nose. The things they were focusing on- ugh- ridiculous.  Once he was placed in a different school- that all changed. 15 minute conferences turned into 20-30 minute meetings. So much was discussed I felt that I needed to take notes.  But so much was accomplished and his teachers were (and still are) amazing. 
I just attended my first conference for my youngest in a mainstream 3rd grade classroom. I was nervous. I was worried. I literally had sweaty palms and had imagined all sorts of worst case scenarios in which my child was the villain.

Of course- with a running dialog I knew better but my mind still traveled to the scariest outcomes and I had a hard time stepping back from the ledge.  I needn't have worried- the teacher was great, she explained the ways she was making accommodations when needed and gave me ideas for how to help at home. She loves my kid- and said how sweet natured he is, and bragged like a proud parent on his desire to do well in her class. I wanted to hug her- I may still buy her flowers and chocolate. Finally- a "normal" 15 minute (well- actually 21 minute) conference. No bad news, no huge worries, and I walked away feeling absolutely giddy!
So now, barring any horrible problems- I can relax for a couple more months.

The girl child has all A's and B's again- so I will probably not even be required to go. I will  go anyway- I think it's a good thing for the teacher's to know my face- gives them an opportunity to run if they piss me off.

The Facebook Phenomenon

If you haven't heard of Facebook then you literally must be living in a cave. Even if you don't use it- you hear people talking about it all the time. I am one of them. I played with MySpace for a couple of years- mostly making "friends" and establishing contacts in the Autism Community. I played the games, changed my name to silly things- was constantly changing my profile look, profile picture etc.
I heard about this Facebook from my oldest child and upon first checking it out I said- "No- not for me" With none of the flashy profile backgrounds (really, that is what I loved about MySpace!) and the fact that at the time it was really something marketed to the 20 somethings in college as a way to network etc. I blew it off as something for the younger generation and continued to play with my MySpace.
But there was more and more talk from my circle of peers about Facebook- "You should try it, you'll love it" they said. Well- trusting my friends as I do I set up an account.  I wasn't all that impressed at first- became friends with my husband and some others I had been friends with on MySpace as well. I pretty much forgot about it.  Then.....
I don't know how or when it happened- but I am now officially a Facebook junkie. When I am not working (which is all to often) I am on it. I have a farm, a cafe, I play Family Feud, I know which Greek Goddess I am most like, what tattoo I should get, who my celebrity lover of the day is and discovered the best page- a true life and sanity saver, Moms Who Drink and Swear.  I share my beautiful family pictures, thrive on the comments I get on them, love seeing my friends pictures, and being a fly on the wall in their lives. I have made some wonderful friends- notice the lack of quotations- that is because we have exchanged phone numbers, text each other and call each other regularly and share our lives with each other both on and off of Facebook.
 I converse with friends that live across the street and across the country.Hell, my Grandma is even on Facebook! How cool is that?  What I originally started as a way to meet and talk with parents of autistic children has turned into an addiction. I love the games, quizzes, everything! (oh- there needs to be a LOVE button) 
So  I'm gonna go- I need to do laundry, dishes, you know all the housewifey things I am supposed to do...but first I am gonna check my updates- who knows what could have happened in the 30 minutes I have been gone! 
See you on Crackbook my friends....
*Just an advertisement for my friend Nikki
http://www.facebook.com/momswhodrinkandswear?ref=ts
https://www.momswhodrinkandswear.com

Next round of the Mommy Olympics: Birthday Parties and goody bags- and why I hate them!

I remember when I started in the qualifying round of the mommy Olympics 14 years ago- my oldest started kindergarten and being very young - 22 at the time- I felt the need to out bake, out craft, out plan all those other women who looked down their noses at the young unwed mom. Living in a small town, birthday party venues were limited to the bowling alley,(too smoky) skating rink (too expensive) and pool (too crowded). And since my son's birthday is on New Years Eve- all of those were pretty much out of contention. So I improvised with what I thought were perfectly acceptable "house parties" with classic games like Pin the Tail on the Donkey and spooky stories told by flashlight.  The all important goody bags were simple affairs with some stickers and a piece of candy (or two or three..who's counting?) As he got older- we did the quintessential Chucke Cheese party, bowling party and sleep over party- but all were low key and done on the cheap- including goody bags!   Now at 19 my oldest has self-esteem to spare and is an amazing artist and all around good kid- birthday parties that cost more than my mortgage didn't do that! 

Enter Spawn #2- a girl! Frilly, pink, bows and Barbie- I lost my mind! Birthday  parties starting at 2 years old- Blues Clues theme- Happy Meals for all! Goody Bags in the $10 range! A bounce house, in the park!  And the adoration in my child's eyes as she looked at the lavishness of what I had done- oh wait- scratch that- the tears because she was scared of the bounce house- the wind that blew everything around and the fickle fancies of a 2 year old girl who was more interested in the goody bags the other children got than her own presents. Skip to 4 years old- the Chucke Cheese party..the noise, the tokens, the kids running amok, the birthday child who was also scared of Chucke Cheese and did not want to come sit down for cake, singing and presents. *SIGH*

The list goes on- backwards party, no presents book donation party, skating party, luau themed party (oh that was fun- I think I still have scars from the hot glue used to put together grass skirts- swimming/slumber party, jewelry making party (the most expensive and least enjoyed)  and the money shelled out to out-do the last party she went to- including one where instead of goody bags- the kids all got Gift Cards to the bookstore (in hindsight not a BAD idea- I just went overboard on the amount) 

Enter third child- a quirky boy diagnosed with Autism- not many friends to speak of and very sensitive to lights, sound and crowds. First party- 5 years old. Gymnastics! With a pirate theme- goody bags were an eye patch, head scarf and some candy- in neat little pirate treasure chests- a scavenger hunt to find them and only 3 kids showed up. Lst year it was Bouncing off the Walls- a HUGE success- but again- very expensive. ($8 goody bags for 8 kids..yeah..do the math!)It was fun- but with this child- I have decided to go the route of the every other year party- a great suggestion from a friend- he is perfectly happy with cake, presents and family to celebrate- and it is much easier on the budget! 

The middle daughter has her sights set on a party this year with an Alice in Wonderland theme- she wants an "Un-Birthday" Tea Party- she is making the invites and I will facilitate. What sort of expensive ass goody bags will 12-13 year old girls expect?  I really am not worried about it anymore...my daughter is a beautiful, talented, happy friendly kid who has lots friends and isn't worried someone might not like her because we had a "house" party with No DJ, or catered lunch.

I have let go the notion that some other mom will talk about me badly because I didn't spend 1000's of dollars on a lavish party the kids won't even remember next year. I am done trying to out-do anyone else. I want the kids to have fun, be happy and that is all.  When the kids are passed out from too much cake and shenanigans,guess where I will be? You guessed it- sitting down with a glass of wine congratulating myself on winning another round in the Mommy Olympics.

I have to work this summer- why can't I just win the lottery?

Working is a necessary thing. Some have a job and some have a career. For the last 11 years I have fallen into the latter category- I have a career. I teach preschool, and I love it! I love young children, I love finger-painting, wearing pajamas to work, singing and dancing but most of all I love opening windows and doors in young minds and watching them learn. It is an amazingly rewarding career, and I have been blessed to be able to not only work with other's children but to  have my own right there with me. 

As I have gotten older- my career goals have changed drastically. While I still love working with the little ones, having a child diagnosed with Autism made me rethink my career choice. So 2 years ago I went back to college (Wayne State-go Warriors!) to get my BA in Special Education, with a focus on Autistic Spectrum Disorders. Time and money constraints have forced me to take a hiatus from school- and working as a substitute is not cutting it.

Enter the job hunt. I cannot believe how hard it is to find a simple cocktail waitress or bar-tending job- which was my first choice. Being summer, kiddos are home- I wanted something that would allow me to work evenings so my husband could be home while I was at work. Several applications later- I was completely frustrated and more than a little depressed. I am not 22 any more and being a little on the chunky side  worked against me- regardless of customer service skills- I did not fit the mold of the perky cocktail waitress.

So in a desperate moment (ok, after a couple of glasses of wine and a small pity party) I applied at the local grocery store, Kroger. Being as most of my family worked there, I figured what the hell? So after filling out a very long application and personality quiz- I actually moved on- forgetting about it. That is, until my phone rang last Tuesday- Kroger calling- Can you come in for an interview tomorrow? Of course I said yes.

So had a very successful interview- took the pre-employment drug test, and now today get the phone call to come in for orientation tomorrow. -Insert big sigh here-  Yes we need the money, but I haven't worked in summer in 10 + years! I am spoiled!  So now I need to worry about baby-sitters, getting the youngest to summer school, my anniversary getaway in July, and will I even be making enough money to justify working?  All of these worries on top of my own medical issues and a surgery I will be putting off until school starts (at the very least). 

I am thrilled that I will be bringing in a paycheck- it certainly will (hopefully) help- especially with 2 birthdays this summer, I am happy I was able to find a job that is literally 5 minutes from my house, I am happy to have found a job at all. I know I sound like a snotty, unappreciative bitch- but if those lottery numbers will just cooperate, it would be so nice. 

Autism and the Vaccine Debate

I was prompted to write this after reading a very interesting article today, and  some of the subsequent comments. Autism...it is a buzz word on the lips of everyone it seems lately. 

With a staggering amount of children being diagnosed every day , it is almost impossible to not at least know a little about it. Right now 1 in 91 children are being diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Mine is one of them. Although- when he was diagnosed with Autism almost 5 years ago now, the rate was 1in 500 children. Is that not insane? In 5 years the rate has quadrupled! 

Why is that?  Is it environmental, hereditary, or the very controversial (but not completely unreasonable) childhood vaccinations?  

While I believe the causes of Autism to encompass all of these things- it is the vaccines I am most concerned about. The one thing all children seem to have in common is that they receive childhood vaccinations starting at birth. And, while dismissed as guilt ridden parents in search of answers, there are so many parents that can tell you precisely when their child was lost to them, stolen by an invisible disease called autism. And, it was directly after being vaccinated. 

I have personally spoken to several parents who have vaccine injured children and their stories are scary and heartbreaking. Personally, I cannot say definitively that it was vaccines that triggered my son's autism, he seemed to be developing normally, and then one day I noticed he wasn't talking like he should, wasn't reaching milestones like he should- and having 2 other children AND being a preschool teacher I felt I was pretty knowledgeable on developmental progress. 

Doctors, friends, other teachers all said "he's a boy" "he's the third child" and while the nagging feeling didn't go away- I tuned it out. When he was three the meltdowns began, violent outbursts that were terrifying to see, and required some restraint to keep him from hurting himself or others. 

Again, chalked up to bad behavior- being "spoiled" etc. etc. But again- I didn't quite believe it. These violent outbursts seemed to coincide with his second MMR vaccine- but I can't be positive. He had little to no language, no social skills and had lost many of the skills he had already acquired.  (now at almost 8 years old- he is almost indistinguishable from a "typical" child and is doing wonderfully- that's a blog for another day)

So, back to the vaccine debate- just a little background information- vaccine schedules have changed dramatically. In 1983 children received 11 vaccines TOTAL from 2 months old to 11 years old. 11! I was 10 years old then- healthy, active and can count on one hand the number of kids I knew who had asthma, severe allergies, and had never even heard of Autism, ADD/ADHD, sensory processing disorder, and so many more.  Fast forward to  2010, the recommended vaccine schedule for ages 0-6 contains 27 shots!! The first beginning at birth!! The number of diagnoses especially for Autism, ADD/ADHD and other developmental disorders has sky rocketed!  And this with  better medical care, better knowledge and widespread information available to all.It just doesn't make sense to me. Why the need for so many? We are not a third world country. We have clean water, access to medical care etc. Why do our children "need" so many jabs?

Now lets look at some ingredients in vaccines.....Formaldehyde, Aluminium, Ammonium Sulfate (used largely as an artificial fertilizer for alkaline soil and banned in 2009 because of it's use in bomb making), Fetal Bovine Serum, Guinea Pig Embryo Cells, Albumin from human blood, and Human diploid cells from Aborted Fetal Tissue- just to name a few.  I left out Thimerasol (mercury) because it is no longer used as a preservative- oh- wait- it still is in the flu shots, but it is only trace amounts so that is ok..NO!!!  Imagine all of that injected into your infant, multiple times. The same amount of vaccine given to a 200 lb.man given to an 8 lb. infant.  Injected into an immature immune system and a developing brain and nervous system. 

 

Why is it that parents have to sign the waivers telling us our babies may run a high fever, get a rash, have seizures or may even die as the result of a vaccine that is supposed to be helping them?  Why do you think some children DO run the high fevers, etc? 

 

 If there is already an unidentified issue (my opinion for the worst of the side effects)- why is it so hard to believe that some of these ingredients could cause an adverse reaction that may trigger autism?   

I am not saying don't vaccinate at all. What I am saying is until there are screenings and tests that can be done look into following an alternate schedule. There is one out there at http://www.talkaboutcuringautism.org/index.php.  Not every child who is vaccinated will develop autism or another developmental disorder. Just as not every person who doesn't wear their seatbelt will be involved in an accident.  But isn't it better to be safe than sorry?

School is almost over. Someone pass me my wine...

It's almost over- another school year is coming to a bittersweet end. Bittersweet because while I look forward to lazy summer days hanging out at the pool with the midgets, it also means the inevitable "I'm bored" There is nobody home" There is nothing to do"  and so on and so forth. I used to be a much more enterprising mom, I had rainy day activities, bored activities, just because activities that I could pull out at any moment the summer whining set in. But alas, the kids have grown older and my ideas, which were once regarded with a reverence rivaled only by candy and unlimited TV watching, fall flat.  So what is a mom to do? Crack open that bottle of wine in the fridge? Tempting, tempting- but no- I really have to step up my game. The tween princess would be perfectly content to shove her ear buds in, blast her Ipod and give us dirty looks-, while the autistic 8 year old would rot in front of the TV watching reruns of Chowder- which being a summer slacker mom are ideas I seriously consider.  But no- while there will surely be days like that I can't idly sit by while the knowledge gained over the last 9 months of school slowly oozes out of their ears. So it's idea time! Summer library programs are always a good thing- the local schools here on the Island offer one as well as the Trenton Library- and they have one specifically geared towards the tween/teen set. There is always Waters edge pool- a family unlimited pass is fairly easy on the budget, it is close by and we are guaranteed to run into friends we know.  Pack a light lunch and we are good for an entire afternoon.  Walking to Centennial Farms, seeing the horses, walking to the pond and enjoying the children's garden- also a fun afternoon, and best a free one!  Then of course there is always the movies (not often though- kind of spendy) museums in the area- Imagination Station in Toledo is only about 45 minutes away and admission is surprisingly cheap- 8.50 for adults and 6.50 for the kids. The hands On Museum in Ann Arbor is always a fun adventure for the younger set, (although my 11 year old likes it a lot- just doesn't let on!)  So there are a few ideas to keep handy as the summer stretches out. Oops- lets not forget the family trips up north to look forward to  as well as a much needed vacation for Mom and Dad ONLY (grandparents get a weekend to spoil the kids)  So I am shutting the fridge door for now- I will save the wine for another day- I have a sneaking suspicion it will be much appreciated in a couple of weeks!