Mother's Day...Get it together family!

Mother's Day. A day to honor the person who gave you life, the person who knows where everything is all of the time, the person who selflessly gives up so many things to make sure her family is happy, safe and feels loved. But flip that coin, and you can get a bitchy side. And I fully embrace my ungrateful, whiny, bitchy side when it comes to this day. For years, I smiled and gushed about how I loved the homemade gifts and home burnt, I mean, cooked breakfasts. I truly cherished any effort made to make this one day a year special. But as my kiddos have gotten older, I have noticed there is no thought, no pizzazz, no EFFORT in doing something special for me on MY day.

I am my family's EVERYTHING- as most mom's are. I am the cook, maid, chauffeur, doctor, lawyer, teacher, warden, confidant, laundress, advocate and cheerleader. I go to every meeting, school function, concert, play, you name it, I do it. I know right where that shirt you NEED is, and I will stay up late to wash it too. I do all of these things and so many more, and I do it because I love them with every fiber in my body, they are my sun and my moon, forever.


They know what I want on this ONE day to honor me. I like quiet. No video games or sports (unless I choose one of them) playing on the TV. No laundry or cleaning. No fighting among kids. Maybe take me out to breakfast or brunch. Or let me stay in bed all day if I choose with NO INTERRUPTIONS. Make me a mimosa. Or three. A day trip to the spa- now you're talking. But I most definitely do not want:


1)A burnt, partially cold breakfast in bed. First you woke me up. Second, you made a huge mess. Third- I don't like eating in bed. The flower/weed from the yard does not pretty up this disaster. So thanks, but no thanks.


2) Asking me the day before what I want. If you haven't at least THOUGHT about Mother's Day prior to the day before- just forget it.


3) Anything that implies household chores. Vacuums, pots and pans, a 50's style apron. Nope, nope and nope. Save that shit for birthday and Christmas.


4) Jewelry. Yeah- you heard me. I wear my wedding ring, occasionally earrings if I can find a matched pair. But I don't need or want anything else. Now- get my wedding ring cleaned- that would be appreciated.






I would enjoy a day of chillin with the kids- binge watching something on Netflix, taking random naps- and not being responsible for anyone's meals, laundry, or have to play referee. Don't ask what needs to be done- just do it. Don't make snippy remarks to antagonize someone, and don't be sarcastic with The Boy who doesn't get it anyway, and ends up in meltdown mode. Don't ask me where ANYTHING is (unless it is my empty wine glass- I will be happy to point you in that direction) and don't begrudge me MY day. I love you all, and am grateful to have such a beautiful,wonderful family. Me getting a day "off" won't change any of that.

And please- don't forget- this is my 12th Mother's Day without my own mom. I miss her every day. This day is one of the hardest. I might be kind of weepy. Don't ask questions, and don't make a big deal of it if I burst into tears and run upstairs. It will pass. Just have another glass of wine waiting when I return- and everything will be just fine.

Going to the pool with Autism

I am that mom at the pool,  the one who rarely takes her eyes off her kid, even though he is 11 and can swim. The one who seems extra nervous and calls her son over frequently, trying not to draw too much attention.  What you don't hear is me reminding him to respect personal space, not to be too rough, not to grab or splash if he's been asked not to do so, or to just chill out.  

I am the mom who worries about what the other kids are saying to him, and his reaction- moving around pool side depending on where he is at,  making me look like the "helicopter mom" that can't leave her kid alone. What you may not understand is that my son's "quirks" and misunderstanding of social cues can make  him a target for ridicule. Even good- natured teasing will confuse him, causing him to get upset and could cause a meltdown.

I am the mom that is on high alert, because my son gravitates towards kids much younger than he is. An older child attempting to play with these younger kids draws the attention, and possible incorrect assumptions about his motives. So I am always having to keep an eye out, reminding him frequently to not be too rough, and isn't there some kids closer to his age he would like to play with?   I understand why he prefers the younger kids sometimes, and will gladly tell you to ease any concerns you might have.

I am the mom keeping an eye on not only my son, but the other kids, whose teenage babysitters are listening to their iPods, texting, or just enjoying the sun, with a cursory glance at their young charges from time to time. What you don't know is what sometimes seems like playing or harmless rough-housing is actually an issue that needs to be addressed, and a good majority of the time, it is not my son instigating it, but not moving away from it either.

I am the mom who feels bad telling her 11 year old son that I would love to play with him in the pool, but doesn't he want to hang out with the other kids? He already deals with so much, I don't want to add to any teasing because he is hanging out with me. The kids are old enough now, that I can't play with all of them like I used to. What you don't know is while my son is  11 years old, he has a developmental delay that makes him more like 9 years old, and playing with me is fun and safe.  I still do play with him, of course and hope he won't be made fun of later.

I am the mom who won't hesitate to chastise an adult, whose child my son knows makes mean remarks to him, and to their mom, who not only laughs, but perpetuates the teasing. I do not tolerate adults who know better acting like this. Your child's behavior and the way they treat my son, and others who have differences is a direct result of your immaturity and lack of compassion. It's people like you that make my job of raising and spreading awareness that much harder.

I am the mom who is beyond thrilled  when other kids are including my son in their games, making him a part of the group and just being 11 year old boys playing "Sharks and Minnows" at the pool.  What you don't know is I am probably holding back tears, and quietly celebrating what you take for granted.

You got me WHAT for Mother's Day??

OK- it's another in a long list of blogs by seemingly ungrateful mom's saying what they DON'T want for Mother's Day.  I full embrace my ungrateful, whiny, bitchy side when it comes to this day. For years, I was the smile and say how much I loved the homemade gifts and home burnt, I mean, cooked breakfasts,mom. Then my spawn got older, and the gifts didn't get any better. No thought, no pizzazz, and homemade Chore Coupons are a bunch of bullshit- because as soon as you try to redeem them the kids are nowhere to be found.


I am my family's EVERYTHING- as most mom's are. I am the cook, maid, chauffeur, doctor, lawyer, teacher, warden, confidant, laundress, go to every meeting, school function and know where EVERYTHING is at ALL times, super woman 24/7. Mother's Day is every damn day a far as I am concerned. But do I ask for anything? Nope. And most likely, I will end up doing something for someone else, or giving up something I wanted to do just to keep the peace. (Or spare the credit card- I have serious issues spending money on myself).

I like quiet. No video games or sports (unless I choose one of them) playing on the TV. No laundry or cleaning. No fighting among kids. Maybe take me out to breakfast or brunch. Or let me stay in bed all day if I choose with NO INTERRUPTIONS. Make me a mimosa. Or three. A day trip to the spa- now you're talking.   But I most definitely do not want:

1)A burnt, partially cold breakfast in bed. First you woke me up. Second, you made a huge mess. Third- I don't like eating in bed. The flower/weed from the yard does not pretty up this disaster. So thanks, but no thanks.

2) Asking me the day before what I want. If you haven't at least THOUGHT about Mother's Day prior to the day before- just forget it. 

3) Anything that implies household chores. Vacuums, pots and pans, a 50's style apron. Nope, nope and nope.  Save that shit for birthday and Christmas. 

4) Jewelry. Yeah- you heard me. I wear my wedding ring, occasionally earrings if I can find a matched pair. But I don't need or want anything else. Now- get my wedding ring cleaned- that would be appreciated. 

5)Gift Cards. Really? I mean, I love giving these easy, no muss no fuss gifts- to teenagers and distant relatives. But not on Mother's Day. To me. No thanks.

6)Clothes. I am super picky about what I wear- and I am overweight, so odds are that unless it is a scarf or a pair of socks,(which I don't want either) it will be the wrong size and I will have my feelings hurt or be pissed. It doesn't work out for The Mister, or the kiddos- don't do it.

7) An afternoon with the in  laws. I love them- but I really don';t want to spend my afternoon being worried what The Boy is doing, or having to stare at a sulky Teenzilla. Honey- YOU take the kids and go hang out with YOUR mom! That would be awesome! 

8) NOTHING with "Best Mom Ever" or anything similar on it. 

9) Nothing handmade from the kids. The two who are at home are almost 15 and 11. The oldest is 22. GO TOGETHER AND BUY YOUR MOM SOMETHING DAMMIT! 

I am simple- I would enjoy a day of chillin' with the kids, taking random naps, NOT doing laundry or cleaning up after anyone, having full control of the TV and sipping mimosa's. If The Twenty Something has to work, take me out for dinner at Chile's and give me some of those awesome margarita's like you did last year- you know, the ones that had me laughing too loud and damn near dancing on the table? That was great!

Just be extra nice to me, ok? Don't ask what needs to be done- just do it. Don't make snippy remarks to antagonize someone, be sarcastic with The Boy who doesn't get it anyway, ask me where ANYTHING is (unless it is my empty wine glass- I will be happy to point you in that direction) and don't begrudge me MY day.  I love you all, and am grateful to have such a beautiful,wonderful family. Me getting a day "off" won't change any of that.  And please- don't forget- this is my 11th Mother's Day without my own mom. I miss her every day. This day is one of the hardest. I might be kind of weepy. Don't ask questions, and don't make a big deal of it if I burst into tears and run upstairs. It will pass. Just have another glass of wine waiting when I return- and everything will be just fine.

Giving up, giving in, or retreating for now. How Algebra is kicking my a$$.

WHAT?!?!!?

I went back to school last August. I incurred a mountain of student loan debt and was ready to finish my degree so I could finally teach. Things were going great, even if fast track online classes were making my head spin. Then came the class I have been avoiding for years. The class that is holding me back from finishing school. ALGEBRA.  I. HATE. IT. I do not understand anything beyond the very base level problems that require me to "Solve for x". What's worse,  I seem to be able to learn math skills,and have a low level of confidence,  and suddenly the information is just gone. POOF. Like it never existed. What in the hell is THAT about?

I thought it was just "math anxiety" which is a very real thing. Researchers at the University of Chicago  found that for people who get anxious at the idea of doing mathematics, just preparing to do a math problem can trigger activity in a part of your brain that registers physical pain. NO SHIT!!  When the subjects were asked to prepare to do a math problem, they showed significant activity in the posterior insula, an area deep in the brain that is associated with responding to threats and experiencing pain.

Yeah, that sounds about right. As a matter of fact, laying my hand on a hot stove burner is right up there on the list of "Things I Would Rather Do Than Math"  that, and stabbing myself in the eye with a pencil. Just thinking about this is giving me a math headache right now.

Where did that 0 come from?

I didn't do well with Algebra in high school, and now many, many years later- it is a million to the tenth power times worse. My brain seriously does not think in "theoretical" terms. Much like my son on the autism spectrum, I deal in concrete terms. If you give me a math problem, there should be a definitive answer. Not this bullshit, 6x+4y=15 where we are going to say y is 0 and x is 1. WHAT THE FUCK? Where did the 1 and 0 come from? How come making up numbers is ok? How is there a bazillion answers for one problem?? What the hell is a slope intersect and how do you graph it??  What is a function? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!?

Not THIS Khan

For three weeks I have sat at my kitchen table, using the numerous resources at my disposal- the textbook, online tutors, The Khan Academy (which is not teaching me how to shake my fist and yell "KHAN" in my best William Shatner voice), Purple Math (which is geared towards middle school age kids), other students, The Mister, Teenzilla, Youtube videos- whatever I can get my hands on. I am averaging 18-20 hours a week on the homework and about that much sobbing and throwing things. I have lost sleep, I smoke like a chimney and my family hides from me.  This can't be simple "math anxiety" and with these fast track classes I do not have time to seek a possible diagnosis for Dyscalculia which  is a specific learning disability involving innate difficulty in learning or comprehending arithmetic. It is akin to dyslexia and includes difficulty in understanding numbers, learning how to manipulate numbers, learning maths fact, and a number of other related symptoms. (Wikipedia) 

ALGEBRAAAAA!!!

Learning is hard work, and it's easy to get lazy once you are out of school. This isn't the case. I am NOT lazy. I LOVE school. I have a 3.89 GPA right now. I AM intelligent. I just can't do math. Trying to see how algebra actually fits into my every day life is frustrating to say the least. This abstract crap does NOT fit into MY everyday life! I truly believe that I have no practical use for graphing inequalities.

NEVER going to need this

So what do I do? I have been TRYING so damn hard. I am truly doing the best I can. I hate to fail at ANYTHING- I have never felt so much like a failure than I do now. I do not have the time or financial resources available to re-take this class- much less an Algebra II class. I am ready to just give up. I mean- what would be any different if I fail and then take this class again? The understanding of Algebra isn't going to magically appear. And seriously, pushing 40 years old- taking 3-6 months off to get counseling and intensive tutoring just isn't going to happen. I am already at the edge of the curve to be hired- what with all the baby faced youngsters flooding the teaching profession.  

Someone commented on one of my many ravings on Facebook that I wouldn't want my kids to just see me give up. What they are seeing mom lose it daily, cry, snap at everyone and just be generally miserable. They are watching me sit at my kitchen table, asking for help, trying to do the work for HOURS on end to the exclusion of EVERYTHING else...sometimes even dinner. What they are seeing is mom doing her very, very best, and not "getting"it. Hard work is not something I am afraid of. Hard work with no reward and a big fat "F" is. 

Instead of calling it "quitting" I will call it a calculated retreat.  In the meantime,  if anyone needs me, I'll be under the covers with a glass of wine and some chocolate  ruminating on my failure. 

I choose......YOU!

I was very surprised and honored when I found out that The Mommy Ref nominated me for The Liebster Award!  I have been nominated for this once before, and it was just as big of a surprise- especially since I am such a lazy blogger!

So now it's my turn. Check out the "rules" for The Liebster Award and enjoy!

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support each other.

1. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves.

2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, then create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.

3. Choose 11 new bloggers (or with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.

4. Go to their page and tell them about the award.

5. No tag backs.

11 Random Facts About Red Vines & Red Wine

•  ü  I have a fear of open closets.
  ü  I am afraid of thunderstorms
  ü  I am becoming increasingly OCD. Seriously, the glasses and coffee cups in the kitchen cabinet have to be “just so” or I get REALLY annoyed!
  ü  I like to eat saltine crackers with butter on them
  ü  My blog used to be called Ramblings of a Wineaux Mom. Drinking a glass of Sweet Red wine one night, I happened to eat a Red Vine. Then I decided to change the name!
  ü  I love Zombie movies, shows, books etc. Especially The Walking Dead
  ü  I have had an idea and rough outline for a children’s book for about 6 years.
  ü  I have been married for 15 years this July
  ü  I collect pigs. I LOVE pigs!
  ü  I love the movie White Chicks
  ü  I used to be a cheerleader. I really really love cheer. I coach pee-wee cheerleaders in the summer. Teenzilla hates it. I made her do it anyway. 
  
  
  Questions from The Mommy Ref
  
  
  
  
  1.  Why did you start to blog? I like to write, and I thought, what the hell? Then I started reading Moms Who Drink and Swear and that was it!  I wish I blogged more- I really need to be more disciplined about it. Right now though, school is taking up most of my time.
  
  
  2.  Do you have a story behind your kid(s) name(s)? My oldest is named after Meggie’s son in The Thorn Birds (Dane) Teenzilla was difficult, all of us started with “D” and I kind of wanted to stick with that- but I didn’t like any “D” names. The Mister woke me up at 1:00 in the morning about 3 weeks before she was due and said RYLEE! And so it was. The Boy, we both really liked Noah! Each of their middle names is a grandparent as well.
  
  
  3.  What is your favorite sit com? The Big Bang Theory, New Normal and Modern Family
  
  
  4.  Have you ever been to another country? Mexico and Canada. I went to Tijuana when I was in high school, and I live about 20 minutes from Windsor Canada. Only been there a couple of times though!
  
  
  5.  What is your favorite ice cream? Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. YUMMMMM
  
  
  6.  What did you want to be when you grew up? A lawyer! I was going to go to NYU and live in New York. Getting preggers at 16 sidelined that!  I started teaching preschool when Teenzilla was 2, and never looked back. Now my goal is to teach special ed with a focus on ASD and implement an ASD program in our school district.
  
  
  7.  Are you allergic to anything? Walnuts- funny story- our wedding cake was made by my sister’s mother-in-law and was full of walnuts! I could only have a teeny tiny bite and even that made my tongue itchy
  
  
  8.  What state would you move to if you could? If I could afford it, I would move back to California. Temperate climate, we were right by the ocean, I loved it- except for the cost of living!
  
  
  9.  What is something you want to accomplish before 2013 is over? Lose 20 pounds and to get through these damn algebra classes without killing anyone!
  
  
   10. Who is your celebrity crush? Hmmm…. I guess I would have to say Nathan Fillion- he is so damn sexy, and funny. I bet he is amazingly cool in real life!
  
  
  11. What were you doing at 8am this morning? Shooing kids off to class as I left my part time job as a morning latchkey provider. 
  
  
     Questions from me to my nominees- you know- to stalk them better!
  
  
  1) Are you a Night Owl or Morning Person?
  2) What is/are your favorite book(s)?
  3) How many kiddos do you have?
  4) Why did you start a blog?
  5) What's your favorite junk food?
  6) What did you want to be when you grew up?
  7) If someone offered you $20 million dollars, but you had to give up one of your senses, would you? Which sense?
  8) What is your favorite movie? One that you will watch over and over and over?
  9) If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?
  10) What is your favorite color?
  11) If it could be one season all the time, what would you pick? 
  
  
     
      and now MY PICKS for the Liebster Award- go check them out- they are awesome!
  
  
  Autism Sparkles
  Life With Legos
  The Mighty Mr. M vs Autism
  Dad v. Autism
  The Plucky Procrastinator
  Sooperdad Blog of Awesomeness
  PDD World
  Love That Max!
  Our Life in Pieces
  Me and My Professor
  The Neurotypical Mom
  
  
  Yep- pretty much all Autism related- but all wonderful blogs, and you should check them out!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Do NOT compare my child to your dog. EVER.

As the  parent of three actual humans, I get annoyed with people that call themselves a “pet parent.” The only parents a pet has are those of the same species that had sex in a river, up in a tree, or in some dark alley after sniffing each other’s butts. Period.As a human, you are their owner. Their caretaker. Their trainer. Their master. BUT YOU. ARE NOT. THEIR PARENT!

This is NOT a hairy baby. This.is.a.DOG.

Now I know a lot of people feel differently, and I’ll openly admit that I’m not a pet, more specifically a "dog person”  I like other people's pets. I play with my mother in law's giant slobbery Boxer who weighs about 100 lbs. and thinks he's a lap dog. He is sweet, but I wouldn't want to own him.  I also like my good friend's two pit bulls- sweet funny dogs who I like to give ice cubes because they love them so much!

If you like pets, if you LOVE pets, that’s great –they’re good for companionship, and I am a big fan of service dogs. I have a kitty, and I love him very much.So do my kids. So go ahead, love your pet! Dress your pet in goofy looking Christmas sweaters. Put galoshes on them in the rain. Feed them with a special spoon. Don’t get me wrong. There’s no denying that as living, breathing creatures, they’re part of the family – the family pet. They should be loved, taken care of an not mistreated or abused. But do not EVER compare your ANIMAL to my CHILDREN. That shit won't fly.

Sure, pets are like children in some ways. They make messes and don’t clean up after themselves. They’re active. They like lots of attention. They make me swear at least once a day. But the similarities end there and the differences are what makes having pets absolutely nothing like raising children. I don't pop my kids on the nose (or anywhere else for that matter) with a newspaper,(or my hand or ANYTHING)  nor do I leave them in a crate while I go to work. I do not have to go to doggy school and advocate for their right to an education. But I DO do that with The Boy. I DO have to console Teenzilla when a boy has hurt her, or a so called best friend is being not such a good friend.  I do have to be a MOM and all it entails to my very human children. 

I live next to TWO of these

I know what I will do! Devise a plan to get rid of those dogs!

I have very inconsiderate neighbors with two extremely irritating yappy dogs. They bark and bark and bark and bark at all hours of the night, super early on the weekends - at the fucking  wind blowing. They are also very BITEY. Came into MY YARD and tried to bite The Boy. In his own yard!!  They disturb not just my sleep but The Boy's and Teenzilla's AND The Mister's. And let me tell you, disturbing a kiddo on the spectrum's sleep- ON A SCHOOL DAY- that pisses me off no end.  For two YEARS I have been dealing with these useless barking fuckers. TWO YEARS! I have tried to befriend them, I have tried giving them treats- and they just bark. Yes- their owners are inconsiderate jerks. Yes they are "just dogs" but after speaking with them, talking to Animal Control (which seemed to work for a couple of months- barking bastards had shock collars on- blessed quiet!) I have had it! I will be IN MY HOUSE- and they can see me in the kitchen window and they will bark. Forget outdoor activities in the summer- they ruin it.  I wish they would run away.I have said I will buy a BB gun and shoot the little fucks when they bark. I have wished terrible things on them (and the human owners as well) ESPECIALLY when I am awoken at 1:00 A.M and again at 6:00 A.M. on a Sunday. But do I act on these things? Of course not. Do I sit and dwell on this shit, improvising elaborate methods to ensure the dog's demise?  No. I do have a life.  That doesn't stop me from disliking the neighbors and their complete lack of consideration, nor does it make me like those stupid dogs. 

THIS is a child. MY child.

Someone recently on Facebook actually said I needed counseling  and wonder if I throw my kids out when they irritate me- oh DAMN. That is the FASTEST way to piss me off.  DO NOT EVER EVER EVER COMPARE MY CHILDREN TO YOUR PETS! EVER!!!

The plain and simple truth is dogs grow up to be dogs. Love them, buy them toys, treats, take them on walks, they are going to love you. And when he grows up he’s still going to be a dog.  As a nation we have become particularly obsessed with our pets, pet hotels, pet psychics, animal advocates (don't get me started on that one) but your obsession is not going to change the fact that your dog will probably grow up to be the same dog he was going to be anyway.

Raising children comes with knowing that you are responsible for molding a human being  that will someday be able to go out on their own and become productive members of society. This requires a constant investment in them, keeping an eye on friends and activities, helping achieve success in school and ultimately  passing on the morals and values that you want them to carry for a lifetime. You raise your kids to eventually leave you and go out into the world as adults to live their lives and maybe have children of their own someday. Your dog will be with you forever. And it will still be a dog. Maybe slower, and definitely older. STILL A DOG. 

People need to think twice before comparing their dog to someone’s child- ESPECIALLY MINE. 

Here are some key differences between dogs and kids for those who might need the info. 

• If you're a dog owner, and you're out of milk and you need it for the recipe you're making for dinner, you can run to the grocery store  without your dog.
• If you are a parent of a small child and you find yourself faced with a grocery emergency, you either must find a babysitter immediately, or dress your child appropriately for the weather, take your child to  the car whether or not your child wants to go, strap your child into an appropriate restraining device, listen to your child complain about your selections on the car radio all the way to the store, take your child out of the car seat,strap them into a cart (depending on their age of course- try strapping a teenager into a cart- that doesn't go over well!) listen to your child ask whether you can buy every tenth thing you pass, load your groceries into your car and return your cart  while also wrangling your child, strap your child back into the car seat, drive home, and then figure out how to get your child and the groceries out of the car at the same time. Now- do this with a kiddo on the spectrum that you have had to interrupt while playing Lego Starwars. Multiply all of this by 100. 
• A new puppy may wake its owners up several times a night to be played with, have to go to the bathroom, etc.
• A new baby will wake a mother up several times a night to CHEW ON HER BOOBS.
• A new puppy may sometimes pee/poop or barf on the floor
• A new baby may sometimes pee/poop or vomit IN YOUR FACE. Not to mention the clean shirt you just put on.
• It might take a couple of months to potty train a puppy.
• It can take YEARS to potty train child. Oh- kiddo on the spectrum? That could be, well, never.
• You can leave your dog alone in a fenced yard with a bowl of food, a bowl of water and some toys for eight hours a day while you work, and you might feel a little bit guilty.
• If you leave your child alone in a fenced yard with a bowl of food, a bowl of water and some toys for eight hours a day while you work, you will be arrested.
• You have to teach a dog that chewing your favorite shoes to pieces is not an appropriate way to play. 
• You have to teach a child that playing with matches could set your entire house on fire.

This is by no means a comprehensive list- but it does cover some important things that should help if you find yourself confused. 

Sidebar: Abusing or mistreating animals is WRONG. Please inform your local Animal Control if you see evidence of abuse.  Sadly, more animal abuse cases are followed up on than child abuse cases. Try and justify that. 

Service dogs are AMAZING. Check out 4 Paws for Ability. They are awesome- and I have a friend with 2 autistic children who has a dog from there- and he is great. Oh- and doesn't bark at air. 

P.S. People say it is the owners fault. I agree to an  extent. But these same people also STILL compared kids and dogs- Bad kids have bad parents and bad pets have bad owners. Love the ignorance and intolerance. Sorry- but my kid isn't always being "bad" He is autistic- and might be overwhelmed. And I also firmly believe that there are bad apples everywhere. Even with dogs. 

The Christmas Letter:Celebrate the holidays with lies!

It's that time of the year when you open your mailbox and get the dreaded "Christmas Letter". It may be from family, or friends, but either way, it is just an annoying litany of trumped up achievements and makes  you look at your own family and close your eyes and pretend that they were just half as perfect as the family outlined in this letter.  Then you remember that you actually live in the real world and your beautiful, perfectly imperfect family is amazing and you wouldn't trade them for anything.   And then you polish off your bottle of wine and yell at everyone to come eat dinner. 

People I Want to Punch in the Throat,  and her blog post,  Humble Brag Christmas Letters got me all excited to write my very own Christmas Letter. Of course, I decided this would be a complete work of fiction and I smiled as I typed away and imagined the looks on some of the more conservative members of my family as they read it.

Cheers! 

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

You will all be happy to know I am FINALLY off parole!! I also got this fancy new computer, completely legal and everything! Of course the mister is still in jail- but his next hearing is set for the 23rd  so..fingers crossed!  

The oldest got her license to grow medical marijuana last month. Grandma couldn't be happier- being recently self-diagnosed with glaucoma and all. 

I was especially proud of the 4 year old's performance in the preschool talent show! He did a humorous interpretation of Sweeney Todd that had the other parents SPEECHLESS! He definitely outdid the rest of the class, what with their Justin Bieber interpretations and Taylor Swift karaoke. I mean, these aren't even age appropriate. am I right?
My dear middle child met a wonderful young man during her court mandated community service. Best thing about this one? All of his tattoos are spelled correctly! I know 15 is kind of young, but I think this might be true love, and anticipate planning a wedding within  the next year. Here's hoping anyway!

Now that I have that pesky ankle tracker removed, I am able to work outside of the trailer - which is so nice. Being a Family Protection Consultant was nice, but selling insurance by phone really gets boring. I have replied to an ad on Craigs List to be a "Exotic Dancer Handler". I will basically be the "House mom" for the girls at The Landing Strip, a Gentleman's Club out by the airport.  I am very excited to start, it will be like reliving my younger days at the Toy Box in Canada. 

The spirit of Christmas is family, is it not? And the spirits for Christmas are usually wine and vodka!   I know we are lucky to have this humble trailer  and not to be on the street, especially considering the homeless murders that have happened in the neighborhood. Please enjoy the brownies I sent- FYI- the oldest made them using her own special recipe and  they have a "kick" so give them to the kids right before bed- works wonders for the 4 year old!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! 

I'm a bad blogger. Wanna spank me?

I'm Back!!!

Hey- it's me! I haven't been around in awhile- so if you have forgotten who I am- I totally understand.  Just a refresher- I am the wino mom that has the son with autism, and an epic potty mouth- ringing any bells? I am sure it will all come back to you. So I am going to cheat- and catch you up with a photo montage. Sorry- you will have to hum some inspirational/funny/metal anthem in your head for this!

Teenzilla went to her first Roller Derby

We won!!

The Mister wouldn't stop taking my picture

Teenzilla dyed her hair

First day of school

I got Jammie Dodgers all the way from The UK!!

One of several bonfires

Teenzilla and I just doing nothing

The Mister looking annoyed at football practice

Teenzilla and her co- cheer coach

Me sitting at the bonfire

Picture Day!

My birthday!

The Misfit offense

The Twenty something doing art

Parent Day!

My super handsome hubby

Made "Scammy" Dodgers for return of Doctor Who

More football!

The brownies were totally cool

Pretending that they like each other

Baking cookies (pre pink hair)

Putting The Boy on the bus for the first day of school!

Bad spelling

New magenta (no, NOT pink) hair

The Boy's First game!

Fish fingers and custard for Doctor Who

A very small sampling of our lives since I so rudely up and left you!  Not in any particular order either- my apologies. Yeah, maybe it's cheating- but as they say a picture is worth a thousand words! And be honest, would you really read 29,000 words??

Holding on to summer

The Boy is back at football. Teenzilla is coaching pee-wee cheerleaders. This signifies that summer is pretty much over for us.  But I am hanging on for dear life. I LOVE summer- especially when I don't have to work and can be home with my kiddos. I was just getting used to summer when I realized that it's nearly over. And it wasn't even a productive summer- a lot of hanging out, pool time and Nerf gun battles. I don't want to go back to the real world of hectic mornings, busy afternoons and flash by weekends.  I will also be embarking on the next phase of MY education- finishing my degree in Special Ed. It is definitely a big year for transitions.

When they were younger I was counting down the days until school resumed. I guess having a freshman and a 5th grader makes me keenly aware of just how fast time is going by- and these summers of hanging out with them are dwindling. If I needed any further proof- I just need to chat with The Twenty Something- the fact that he is a grown man still boggles my mind.

The bliss that most parents feel knowing that for at least 8 hours a day someone else is in charge of their kids is lost on me this year. I am only thinking of the reasons why I am desperately holding on to  summer.

1)NO MORE SLEEPING IN!! - Crazy mornings, getting everyone packed and ready- especially since I leave before the kids do, so dad is Team Leader. Rest assured- mom has gotten all of the important stuff done, lunches, library books, homework and permission slips all ready. His job, make sure they eat SOMETHING brush their teeth and get to school on time.  Simple, right? Probably, but my OCD is in overdrive, and my worry level is at DEFCON 1. The Mister does a great job, but a mom always feels she could have done better.

2)Back to school shopping- This activity fills me with dread. The Boy- he's EASY. But I have a 14 year old Teenzilla who is starting high school. The mere thought of walking around the mall being bombarded with offers to straighten my hair makes me want to hide. My Teenzilla has a very unique style- no Abercrombie or American Eagle...nope. We will be hitting Hot Topic where my ears can be assaulted with  heavy bass  DubStep and thrash metal, and trying to casually count all the piercings on the girl who is helping us. The fact that the store itself is narrow, makes me have to LITERALLY rub elbows with the unwashed masses...UGH.  And worst of all, trying to explain to my beautiful Teenzilla that our budget has been downsized (thank you car problems) seriously- where is my wine?

3)Piles of CRAP- You know, all the papers, notebooks, books, backpacks, never ending piles of CRAP that the little darlings bring home. It was mid July before I even got through LAST YEAR'S crap! Now I get to start all over. I have already received the first giant envelope full of shit to fill out for Teenzilla...My wine?

4)Extra Curricular Activities- In summer, things aren't really planned. We go somewhere if we want to, not because we have to (most of the time). Then school is back in session, and the HAVE TO BE THERE never ends. back to school night, practices, football games, rehearsals, PTA meetings, parties..it is endless. And while I am not one to over schedule my kids, there are still A LOT of things to get them to.  The gas money alone costs a fortune, especially with gas over $4 a gallon. I will be lucky to have wine money.

5)Pay for this, buy that, volunteer for something else- The amount of work I do writing checks adds up to a part time job, but not getting any money in..just sending it out. Music Boosters, PAT dues (our district is Parent and Teacher, not traditional PTA), school pictures, material fees, fundraisers. Then there is the volunteering. Class mom, car pools, field trips and on and on and on. And you are hardest hit in that first month- when cash is already tight and you are robbing Peter AND Paul to pay Tom.  Seriously, where is my wine?

6) IEP Hell- The joys of the beginning of the year IEP meeting. Finding out new and interesting ways the school is failing to comply with The Boy's current IEP, (or how they are going to try to slip bullshit past me) and the IDEA law interspersed with hyperventilated exclamations from me, especially as I am still not thrilled with how last year went.   Let’s face it, the entire process is extremely intimidating and nerve-wracking to a parent. And I am not one of those meek and mild parents. NOOOO! I am vocal and demanding- just call me PITA mom. This is my kid's education after all.  I try my hardest to work WITH the team- but damn- it feels like swimming upstream with weights on my legs.  WHERE IS MY WINE?!?

It doesn't matter how many reasons I have, time marches on, and the kids will be marching to the bus in a little under 3 weeks. Now is the time to start shooing them to bed earlier (THAT is a definite perk!)  cleaning closets, and making lists of all the essentials and trying to stretch the already stretched to the limit budget.  I have been doing this for a LONG time- you would think I would get better at it, right?

Ahhh- there is my wine. Cheers to Back to School, and the best of luck to all of us!