Holy crap! My daughter is shaving her head!

You know a year ago, when my Teenzilla said she was going to shave her head for St. Baldrick's, raise money for pediatric cancer research, and in memory of Donna Hornick, I indulged her. As parents we all do this, our kiddos say they are going to do something BIG, or something CRAZY and we smile and humor them, knowing that the fancies of kids, especially teenagers are fleeting.

Now we are 5 days away from the shave event, and she has not wavered once. At least not out loud, or in front of me. Her conviction is strong, her ideals are overwhelming, and her passion is that which only teenage girls have.

But, until the other night, when talking to my dearest childhood friend, I had not thought about how I felt about it. Other than knowing without a doubt that I could never do it, I have only really felt fierce pride in my girl. But now it's stuck in my head, all the feelings that I have not even thought about. My baby girl is going to be BALD.  BALD. A part of me cringes at the thought of my very pretty daughter not having hair- I mean, isn't hair one of the ways how we females define ourselves. If we have a bad hair day, it really puts a damper on the rest of our day. If we get a bad cut or color, it really upsets us. Unfortunately, we live in a society that bases everything on how we look. If we are overweight we must be a slob. If we choose not to wear makeup we must be a hippie. If we do something out of the ordinary to our hair (like when Teenzilla went shocking pink) there are stares and judgmental asshats to contend with.  And being a teenager?? In high school?  Fuggedaboutit.

I have been told "I can't believe you are LETTING her shave her head. she is going to be teased so badly"  Letting her?? No- this is HER decision. This is not some whim of a fickle teen girl- this is for an amazing cause, something bigger than she is. It takes guts and heart to do what she is going to do. It's amazing, it's life changing, and not only am I "letting" her do it, I am her loudest supporter! But there is the part of me that is scared for her, and worries about any teasing or bullshit she will have to endure. She is a strong kid, a good kid, but I don't know if she has, or if she is even able to really process what going bald means. Aside from the amazing sense of doing something awesome that is.  I don't pull any punches- I have told her repeatedly, people are going to stare. People will make comments, and not all of them will be nice. She says "Bring it on". I hope that attitude stays intact- she's gonna need it. I am very nervous about the reactions, and most of all, how my girl will handle it. It's gonna be hard. Oh- and did I mention she is also in the schools Spring production of Cinderella?  Yeah- she is going to be in the spotlight- shiny bald head and all. Well- she will wear a wig...but still!

I have caught myself reminiscing about her hair when she was little, long, curly and beautiful. She cut it off in first grade for Locks of Love, and I cried. Not in front of her, and I cried not only because she cut off all her hair, but because even at the tender age of 6, she had a big heart. And....she wanted to have a haircut like Dora the Explorer! I have always been the mom who encourages trying different things, from wardrobe to hair. Especially hair, after all, it does grow back. And I can't say I have loved every hair decision she has made, but I raised her this way- and she is her own person- and a damn good one at that. I get compliments all the time, what a great kid I have, and what a great mom I am, having raised such a great kid. And I will take credit for raising her to be the way she is, but she deserves the lion's share- she is not a little girl, she is a beautiful, funny, smart young woman who made this choice all on her own.


Today, I had a comment on my FB page- and I just have to share:

A year ago Jan, I had to shave all my hair off for a brain surgery. My hair was to my boohiney, I braided it, cut those 5 thick, long braids off & donated them as well...as the clippers inched their way over my scalp, I felt a new me emerge! At first it felt like my identity was being stripped from my grasps, I felt naked, vulnerable & honestly, a little lost! I think it was harder on my best friends than it was for me! Then a saying came to mind as tears were streaming down my face "If you don't like something...Change it...if you can't change it...Change the way you think about it!" That's what I did, changed how I thought about it! I began to think of the process of the wigs being made, the ladies that would receive them (I had THICK, long hair so def made at least 2 wigs! ), how it would effect their lives forever & suddenly I had peace! Sure people stared at me where ever I went, women (most of them!) were THE worst & the men were surprisingly wonderful! I received A LOT of compliments & support! Im not sure why Teenzilla is shaving her hair, sounds like its just for donating it & that is plain AMAZING!! I want to thank you, as her parents, for raising such an AMAZING daughter!! Thank you! As I would tell myself, its just hair & it grows back! It did in fact change me, it strips you down to your core & thankfully I had been working on myself in order to become my best self before having to be naked, vulnerable & bald in front of the world, I was taught to be comfortable with WHO I am not the identity of my long, thick hair! Bald ROCKS!! Rock it out Teenzilla!! I will be bald agn soon, another brain surgery, you what tho! I GOT THIS & BRING IT ON!! P. S. she will be really cold, a friend made me the best beanie ever & it became my favorite accessory! Go beanie shopping before or make one with one of those knitting looms (WalMart $13) and she can pick her color of yarn! Rock it out Momma & Teenzilla! YOU got this & BRING IT ON! Much Love! -Nicole Johnson

While she is not donating her hair, the money she has raised, that all goes back to St. Baldrick's and the solidarity for those who don't have the choice to go bald or not- it's mind boggling to me. 

And once again, I have to thank the indomitable Mary Tyler Mom for sharing her beautiful Donna's story with us.  The sad reality that is childhood cancer, and the lives taken much too soon has a face, a name, a story, and is not just another sad statistic for us.  It's amazing how one family's story changed our perception in such a huge way.

Please check out the links here, about St. Baldrick's, about Teenzilla  and share!

St. Baldrick's
I'm shaving my head!
Rylee's Donation Page
Michigan's Team Donna's Good Things

Are we still in middle school? Parent cliques SUCK

Cliques are not limited to school playgrounds and junior high hallways.   They also appear at "back to school night", PTA meetings, sports, even drop off and pick up for school. One dirty little secret of parenthood is that it comes with a pecking order.  We don't leave cliques or peer pressure behind when we grow up or when we become parents. We just graduate to a new level with adults now playing the roles.

If you take an active role in your child's school or activities then you already know this can be  an issue. And just like a clique can be hurtful for a child, it can be hurtful for an adult. Even if you think you left all of that kind of stuff behind when you joined the "grown up world" it can still come bite you in the ass when you are least expecting it. 

It is often the loudest, pushiest parents who seem to be setting the standard on what it looks like to be a caring, attentive, involved mother or father. There is certainly no one standard of "correct" parenting but many adults behave like assholes while pursuing it.  This often becomes most obvious - and obnoxious - as children reach school age or begin extracurricular activities.  

Enter SPORTS. I have been a part of many groups since my kids started school. Volunteer groups, class parents, Girl Scouts, you name it , I probably volunteered for it. I was also teaching at a local preschool, so a lot of people knew me, or at least knew who I was. Then Teenzilla started cheer for the local little league. She had played soccer, and basketball, but never had I encountered such closed ranks as I did within this Football/Cheer organization. after her first year I became an assistant coach- and I loved it! Not only did I get to be around cheer, I was now part of this "Cool Kid Club" filled to the brim with doctors, lawyers, teachers and well known people in the community. The next year I took the head coach position and did that for 3 more years.

This year I am not coaching. I get to be a MOM. I get to watch The Boy practice and sit in the stands for ONLY ONE GAME!!  Teenzilla is all done cheering and is now junior coaching. It is so much more relaxing now at practice.   

But now I am a nobody. The coaches that I worked alongside, cheering victories and mourning losses act as if they don't even know me. I am just another parent at the field, and not a part of their exclusive club any longer. And it stings. I don't expect to be right in the middle of all the action anymore, but damn! To be treated like a virtual stranger, all of the time spent together apparently forgotten, yeah it kinda hurts.

I have tried to become as involved as I can so far- asking about helping the Team Mom and offering to fill in as a sub for the cheerleaders if one of the coaches has to be absent, only to be pretty much blown off. 

So be it. A chapter in my life has come to an end, more abruptly than I would have liked, but I did have a great time while I did it.I am beyond proud that The Boy wants to play again this year. One of the girls wrote an essay last year about a person she admired- and she wrote it about me..pretty damn cool! I made the decision to "retire" as it were, and now I will fulfill my mandatory volunteer commitments and call it good. I have made some good, true friends, and am very happy for that. I will be just as encouraging to all the players as I have always been.   And I will  be the loudest mom in the stands! 

You say Bitch like it's a bad thing

We have all been there. Parents, feeling like our child has been slighted in some way by a teacher, family member, another child, another parent, come to their defense in the blink of an eye, ready to fight the world in defense of our progeny. It's natural, like breathing. Now- take the mom of a special needs child- spin the wheel and pick any special need you want- I will be focusing on Autism, but it is the same for all. Multiply that hair trigger defense mechanism by...oh let's be conservative and say A MILLION.

Autism mom's are heavyweight champions when it comes to fighting for our kids. We have had to fight with  school psychologists who think they know more about your kid than you do, or disagree with TWO different neurologists diagnoses. We have had to fight with insurance companies to help pay the astronomical medical bills brought on by Autism. We have had to fight for therapies. We have had to fight with poorly trained (at times) school staff who insist on treating our kids as if they are ONLY one big behavioral problem and refuse to be flexible at all. We have had to fight with our MET (Multidisciplinary Evaluation Team) about IEP goals, supports in the classroom and making sure our kids are getting a good education in a safe environment. We have had to fight with ignorant assholes who say stupid things around and or about our kids- and not in an innocent 'I just didn't know" way. Serious jerks who feel it is their  place to tell you that you are not disciplining enough, you should just spank them, could you please keep them quiet, what is wrong with your child?
Then there is the fighting WITH our kids. Fighting to get them to eat ANYTHING beyond the 4 foods they only let cross their lips. Fighting with them to sleep, get dressed, take a bath/shower, do homework, get away from the TV, not run into traffic. It goes on and on and on.

People that know me are always praising me as a parent, they admire my determination, my drive, my constant and loud advocating for my son, my great attitude and how I am so happy in the face of everything that sucks. "Courage under fire" was something someone said to me once- and I almost burst out laughing, not because of the compliment (which it definitely was) but for the fact that I can put on an amazing front, and pull off an Academy Award winning performance on pretty much a daily basis!

It's true- you wouldn't like me very much at all

I carry around A LOT of suppressed anger. Anger at fate for dealing me this hand. Anger that my kid at 9 almost 10 cannot do the things other kids his age are doing. Simple things, like run around at the local carnival with his friends, checking in for cash once in awhile with me.  Anger at myself for wishing he could be "normal" sometimes. Anger at other kids when I see them looking at him and snickering while he expounds about dinosaurs or Star Wars. Anger at other parents who have no idea how lucky they are they don't have to deal with some of the shit I have to- and RAGE at looks of pity.  (I have 2 other neurotypical kids- so I know EXACTLY what is different in raising The Boy) And anger at teachers who can't be bothered- who only include him in general education special projects because they HAVE to, and for not teaching compassion, acceptance and tolerance as every day core values across the curriculum.


To make a long story somewhat shorter- when The Boy moved back to school where we live after 3.5 years at an amazing school, with amazing teachers we had an idea of what to expect. But it has been so much worse than what we even tried to prepare ourselves for. The lack of communication, the refusal to even TRY to keep him mainstreamed, his misery, the lack of expectations FOR him, the ostracizing of him as well as a class of special needs students- who only participate in "specials" and science and social studies- well- let's just say that my Bitch Meter has been in the red most of this school year. And believe me, I am POSITIVE that I am discussed and referred to as "a bitch" and you know what? GOOD!! When you have had to fight as much as I have just to get your kid the acceptance and education he is entitled to over the last almost 10 years,(the last nine months being the worst since kindergarten) then you might be a bitch too! And the sad thing is- fighting for your kid- no matter how calm, educated and respectful you are brands you as A Bitch.  They haven't even come close to seeing just how much of a bitch I can be. I have ranted and raved and cried at home, calling the MET every dirty name in the book, but at the meetings have been in control, and presenting my side in an articulate and educated way, all the while wanting to stand up and yell and tell them what stupid assholes they are. But I don't- it would be counterproductive.
It is fucking HARD to hold it all in there. With all the resentment and anger just below my cool smile- you would think that having to deal with bullshit would be the straw that  breaks the camel's back.  But- the storm always comes later- and unfortunately it is my wonderful husband who has to bear the worst of it.


So is it really any wonder that what seems like something so small can get my hackles up in such a big way? Something like....getting an email from the Special ed. teacher saying the the general ed. teacher wants me to bring in...oh, let's say crackers for a grade wide presentation at school.  And when asked why the gen ed teacher didn't just ask me herself either by phone or email, or BY SEEING ME AT THE SCHOOL EVERY DAMN DAY, she doesn't have an answer. Well of course she doesn't! She is being used as a middle man, plain and simple. Once again, the glaring fact that The Boy is not considered part if the school community slaps me in the face. How else would I see it?  He is being "allowed" to participate in this presentation, and oh, let's throw mom a bone and maybe she can bring something so she feels that her kid is truly included.  Over crackers and a simple email, yes I have lost my tenuous grip on my anger. Petty, stupid, immature- call it what you will. But when I see how the other teachers, students and parents look at my son, the way they ignore me when it comes to class projects, or worse, treat me (and him) as an afterthought, using stupid excuses like "I had the wrong email address" - well, this is THE.LAST.STRAW. 

If you want me to provide something for class, a presentation, whatever, ASK ME YOUR DAMN SELF. The Boy is a part of YOUR class too- he is not just a "special ed student". I NEVER once had this problem in the other school, the gen ed 3rd grade teacher ALWAYS emailed, called or sent a note home if she needed me to do anything. I am at the school every freakin day...I am not hard to get in touch with.

If  fighting for your kids, doing what you have to do to ensure they are healthy, getting a decent education, and happy makes one a bitch- then give me my Bitch Badge and I will wear it proudly.  But if/when the day comes that I really unleash my inner bitch on you- don't say I didn't warn you.

It really is the little things in life

When you have a child with autism, you learn just how many things you take for granted. Especially if you have other children that aren't autistic. You learn it  really is beyond impossible to compare your Autie kiddo to anyone else. I have learned a lot of hard lessons since The Boy was diagnosed 6 years ago. He is 9 years old, and should  be getting loads of birthday party invites, riding his bike up to get a Slushee, having sleepovers, you know- all the things that are part and parcel of being 9.

But we don't get birthday party invites, he is only allowed to ride his bike to the end of the street and back without one of us, has not been invited to a sleepover, not that I know if I would let him go. He has friends, other kids do ok with him, but these are just parts of life he has yet to experience, and may never get to.

But, as easy as it is to let myself get disappointed with the things others associate with "normal" life, I can't let it rule our lives. Yes, occasionally I wallow, and throw myself a pity party, but I get past it, move on and revel in the beautiful soul that The Boy is. I choose to focus on his huge achievements, his wonderful smile and silly sense of humor.

Today was one of those days that I felt truly blessed, and experienced a moment of pure happiness.  At school the kids earn yellow "tickets" for exemplary behavior and helping others. They can put these tickets into a drawing for a prize at the end of the week, into a drawing to be Star Student and read the Pledge of Allegiance and the school pledge over the loudspeaker for the whole school, or save them to buy things at the student store.

Twice now, The Boy has put his ticket into the drawing to do the pledge, and today was the second time he got to do it. The first time I didn't even know about it until the next day- he forgot to tell me. I heard from teachers and the principal what a wonderful job he did.  Yesterday, I happened to see the Star Student List and his name was on it to do the pledge today! I asked him about it, and he was very laid back about it- "Yeah, I'm gonna do the pledge again mom"

So I stayed at the school today just so I could hear him. He has this speech issue- he is very "breathy" when he talks, and is sometimes hard to understand as he takes a lot of breaths between words, and sometimes between syllables.  But he did not have one "stutter" one stumble or one mistake today. He read in a clear , steady voice and sounded amazing. I sat in the cafeteria and I cried pure, happy tears.  Just a few years ago, he wasn't even speaking, hell just a few months ago he would never have even tried to earn one of the yellow tickets.

A parent that doesn't deal with autism, or any other special need for that matter, would have probably thought I was ridiculous. These are  the little things that keep us from curling up in the fetal position and living in a constant state of depression. Little things that parents of neurotypical kids may take for granted This one little thing, just a day in the life of 4th grader, was a HUGE deal in my life.  And the pride that HE will feel from a job well done- well that is priceless.

And it is these little things we remember and celebrate.

The Outcast....I mean Peanut Table

The last 10 years has seen a huge growth in peanut allergies. Peanut allergies affect about 1.3% of the population and are the leading cause of sever food allergic reactions. I wonder why that is? When I was in school you NEVER heard about peanut/tree-nut allergies- or very, very rarely. Now- there is at least one child with a severe peanut allergy in every classroom. Probably more than that. - with no explanation why. One theory suggests  that “clean living” and more medication use leaves immune systems in a condition that is more prone to attack harmless proteins, such as those in foods, pollens, and animal dander. It is a very scary thing- and I am thankful that we don't have to deal with that with any of our kids.

Gone are the days of throwing together a PB&J sandwich for your kid's lunch. Treats for parties must be approved first, and many classrooms  now actually  ban  treats from home for birthdays and class parties. Having been a room mom- I know first hand what it is like trying to plan a party around allergies- luckily I  have a good line of communication with the parents that have kids with allergies so there is not any confusion on what they can or cannot have.

So what happens if a child DOES bring a PB&J for lunch? Well- they sit at "The Peanut Table" as far removed from the rest of the cafeteria as possible, without actually having them sit in the hallway.  Don't get me wrong- I know the dangers of a severe peanut allergy, and I know that peanuts don't actually have to be ingested to cause a sever reaction requiring an Epi Pen and a trip to the hospital.  And I am sure most parents know that as well- and don't send their kids with PB&J in their lunch.  But........... I am sure some do- and they get to sit in Siberia. (again- please don't mistake this as bashing kiddos with peanut allergies)   I have heard that a lot of schools "Isolation Table" is strictly FOR the kids with the allergies. Our schools basically just went "Peanut Free" and that was that. There was a lot of complaining and grumbling, but eventually the rest of us just got used to it.

The Peanut Table. In Siberia.

This table in The Boy's cafeteria is all the way back in a corner, by the milk coolers. It is about 5-7 or so feet away from the next nearest table. There are usually 3 chairs and nobody else is allowed to sit there.  Again- while I understand the danger- can you see why I call this The Outcast Table? Since the school is grades 3-5, I would hope those that pack lunches tell their parents no peanut butter, because what 8-11 year old wants to be ostracized and not be able to chat with friends at lunch?

Yum- Ants on a Log

I am just flabbergasted that a staple in most households holds such danger for so many now. I eat peanut butter by the spoonfuls, I used to do a food theme in my preschool class and they would make Ants on a Log. During our unit on the circus I would bring peanuts in to shell, eat and then use the shells at the sensory table and in art projects.  Alas, those days are long gone.   Substitutions such as cream cheese and Nutella are usually acceptable, and it's not that hard to roll with the changes. 

If you have a child with a peanut/tree nut allergy- what issues do you have with public schools? Has your school gone "Peanut Free". Do you have a 504 in place for your child?  Have you encountered irritation or downright hostility because of it?   Let me know- I am very curious!

Hate my diagnosis- hate me? I don't think so.

I read a blog today titled "You can't hate Autism and expect acceptance" by Mama Be Good. It was a very well written article that I completely disagree with.

"A parent cannot fully and unconditionally accept his child, but not "the autism."  That's not unconditional.  That's not acceptance.

Why? Children quickly and easily feel their parent's negative emotions and they internalize it, believing that they are at fault for their parent's stress.  While you think you can separate out "the autism" from your child, hating the negative symptoms while loving the child, your child doesn't make such fine distinctions.  He will recognize the feeling, maybe only subconsciously, and he will translate it to "I am acceptable only if I hide part of me.  That part of me is shameful.  There is something wrong with me." "

I think that nothing could be further from the truth. The Boy is awesome, sweet, lovable, smart and IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM DEFINED BY AUTISM!  Just as he is not defined by his blonde hair or blue eyes- he is who he is and that is that. I love my son- I love his quirks, I love his honesty and I love his complete lack of judgement for anyone else. I can and will say that I hate autism. On the days he just can't function- where everything is too bright, too loud, too something. The nights when he doesn't sleep, the looks on the kids faces that just don't get him at all when he is talking completely in movie and TV phrases- or meltdowns because "something" is wrong. Yeah- I DO hate autism on those days. As he gets older he is doing so much better. But just because I hate autism does not mean I do not accept my child- nor hate HIM in any way.  I say it all the time- Autism DOES NOT define my son. He is who he is and autism did NOT make him that way. If he didn't have autism would he be a better person?  Easier to love? You can love your child, and hate their diagnosis- it IS possible- and NO it doesn't make you a bad parent.

I say I hate it because it makes life so much more difficult than it needs to be for The Boy.  He misses out on the things that others  take for granted. Birthday parties, playdates, sleepovers, being able to have a conversation, (NOT in movie or TV speak) having independence and age typical skills. Just because I want and work for people to be "accepting" does not change at all how life is for him...and the worry I have for his future.  

I hate the emotional roller coaster that is Autism.  I will not embrace it. I see on a daily basis what The Boy is missing out on- even with all of his amazing progress. And it pisses me off- and dammit I am allowed to be pissed off and hate Autism. This makes me work harder at advocacy, changing perceptions, and helping to change things. 

I don't hate one tiny thing about HIM. Autism isn't HIM. He is The Boy- plain and simple and I adore him.

Me and my boy. Love him- HATE Autism!

Let's Play Ghostbusters!

Who ya gonna call?

The Boy LOVES Ghostbusters. Ever since he saw the first movie he was hooked- and he (and the rest of the family) have seen them a BAZILLION times. We have watched the cartoons (thank you Netflix) and played the video game.  He knows the characters,ghosts,and the equipment, and much like dinosaurs he can tell you aspects of the movies and the characters that just the average fan wouldn't know.

His latest obsession are the videos on YouTube- called Let's Play Ghostbusters- a video game for a system we don't have but apparently, according to The Boy will be getting soon.  

He has now taken to playing Ghostbusters at the after school program- or at least trying to play. This is so awesome- actually PLAYING the game- using his imagination and getting away from the screen!  He really wanted the other boys to play and asked if they could watch the video on my phone.

The Boy then attempted to assign roles and tell them they needed to be following the script- which of course they didn't know. I listened to him try desperately to explain to them what they needed to do, growing more agitated as the other kids tried to tell him they didn't know the words they were supposed to say. Then I heard him tell them "I am going to bring my Alphasmart home and write a script for you to follow so we can play this on Thursday."  The other boys readily agreed and then they ran off to do other things.

Just as I was getting ready to intervene and stop what I saw as a runaway train leading to a meltdown- he CALMED HIMSELF DOWN,  used some  problem solving skills, negotiated with the other kids, CALMED HIMSELF DOWN, and then ran over to tell me all about it. My heart was so happy, I was grinning from ear to ear and I grabbed him in a huge hug. And just like any other neurotypical kid- he gave me a quick squeeze and then ran off to join the other kids.

This is a HUGE milestone!  Kids on the spectrum have such a hard time with imaginative play, and The Boy is no exception. But just because a child has difficulty with a skill doesn't mean they can't learn it. It just takes more work. It is important that we focus on our children's strengths and build on this. And I have been doing exactly that for years- and today was the ultimate payoff- for him and for me.

Quirky the Kid

So this is a blog I wrote quite awhile ago- and it never got published for some weird reason... so here ya go!



Quirky. adjective, quirk·i·er, quirk·i·est. having or full of quirks. 

Well what the hell is a “quirk”? To me quirky is liking ketchup on your scrambled eggs, or mixing polka dots and stripes- innocuous things to be sure.

How about when it comes to autism? Can “quirky” really be used to describe an autistic person’s behaviors? It all depends on where on the spectrum an individual falls I suppose, from very high functioning (like my son)and Aspergers, to low functioning, unable to communicate, unable to care for themselves, need I go on?

I think that sometimes people like to say that individuals with autism are quirky because it makes their behavior seem lovable, easier to deal with- giving you the warm fuzzies as opposed to the heebie jeebies.

Quirky sounds like fun, silly dancing in the rain behavior, NOT the behavior my son shows sometimes. Some of the behavior is seriously socially disabling. Sure, when he bows from the waist when meeting someone new like a character out of a Charles Dickens novel, that is silly and well, quirky. But-when he refuses to talk about anything except dinosaurs and has no idea how to begin or end a conversation and has no respect for personal space, or when he repeatedly hits himself in the head, or scratches his face when he is frustrated or upset – THAT is most definitely NOT quirky. That is the ugly, hard to explain behavior that is common in all forms of autism.

Now that my son had been “mainstreamed” his quirks are being noticed a lot more. The school he was in before had 2 autistic classes- the rest of the school was well aware of the autistic kids and they were just a part of the school- no biggie. Sure there was some teasing, but for the most part it was a very safe, understanding environment that I had no major concerns about at all. But from the beginning the goal was to send him back to his “home” school and when the time came I was very happy/worried/sad/ excited.

In just a few weeks of school he has already had some negative experiences .His “quirks” are looked at as “weird” (which I admit, they can be) His frustration over the higher expectations are wearing on us both already.

He i s(only) 9 years old and I know I can’t protect him from everything ( I picture myself going all Hand That Rocks the Cradle on the little punks who might tease him) but he is such a loving soul, such a trusting kid- my greatest fear is he will be taken advantage of and my helplessness is crippling at times.

For now, I can only try to teach him that sometimes his incessant chatter about dinosaurs, his wanting to hug everyone, and how he uses TV and movie dialog in conversation, and his peculiar way of greeting others might not be seen as “quirky” and might get him teasing he doesn’t understand.

He knows he is different, but he is not quite sure why. He wants acceptance, and he strives to please… just like the rest of us. I just worry about him, that’s all, not having any friends. Not knowing how to make friends. Not understanding how to be a friend. I know he wants to. He just doesn’t know how. And it's so hard to teach. Hopefully, with extracurriculars like football he will come out of school with a friend or 2. That is my ultimate hope- just one or 2 nice friends- then I can breathe.

Why am I watching cartoons? My kid's aren't even here!

11-year-old eccentric Catbearrabbit

Today I was puttering around the house, with the TV on as usual providing background noise.  I had been watching  Big Bang Theory ( a decidedly "grown up" show) on demand- and wandered away as I often do when my ADHD kicks in. When  the show ended- it reverted back to regular programming which had been on Cartoon Network earlier. I heard the familiar sounds of one of the kid's favorite shows and I wandered back into the living room, drawn by the music.

This is no fun

I sat down with the intention of changing the channel, or better still, just turning off the idiot box. Next thing I knew- it was 15 minutes later and I had been fully absorbed and entertained by this cartoon (it was Chowder BTW) and there was NOT ONE KID in my house.  I quickly turned the TV off and went to go do adult things , like laundry and scrubbing toilets.

But for 15 minutes, I was lost in the brightly colored world of cartoons, and I was happy. It never occurred to me that I didn't HAVE to watch, there were no kids fighting  for more TV time, sitting mesmerized, almost drooling while watching  brain rotting cartoon hi-jinks. It was just me, all by myself, and I reverted to an 8 year old on a Saturday morning.

I will probably do this again- hell, I may have done it subconsciously already!  And no- I am not going to disseminate today's cartoons, and whether or not Spongebob is a bad influence- because frankly, I find Spongebob funny- stupid yes, but funny.  I also like "grown up" cartoons like The Simpsons and Family Guy. And don't get me started on old school toons like Tom & Jerry, Looney Tunes, and Scooby Doo- because I love them too!  Every once in awhile- I think it is ok for a grown ass woman to sit and enjoy a kiddie cartoon sans kiddies. If I start sitting in the middle of the floor during the day, rocking back and forth nursing a bottle of wine while watching marathons of Spongebob and Phineas and Ferb then people might want to worry.

I know what we are going to do today!

  

Love Old school Toons

                                                                                                                                     

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

I don't swear that f&*%$ing much!

 *Warning: This post contains liberal use of many swear words. Especially the "F" word.  If you tend to be put off by four letter words -stop here.

I really don't

Fuckshitdamnbitchhellcrap. Swearing. We all do it to some degree. And don't you dare play all innocent with me. I am willing to be that just about EVERYBODY has uttered at least one expletive in their life- even if nobody was around to hear it.  

I have tried to be that mom- the one who demoralizes swearing. No words are BAD words- depending on the context. Not that I wanna hear FUCK coming out of my little darlings pie hole ( oh - and it has, on more than one occasion) but I feel that if I tell them not to do it-but yet I turn around and do it- it's not much of a lesson, right?  I am not a "do as I say not as I do" type parent.  I don't advocate using profanity- I just don't make a HUGE fucking deal out of it.  (see what I mean?)

I was having a conversation with my mister this morning. Just a normal, run of the mill, husband/wife type conversation. Both Teenzilla and The Boy were in the same room.  I can't remember exactly what prompted it, but I left the room, and over my shoulder I said "Fuck You" to the hubs...not angrily- we had been joking about something and that was my response. Neither kid reacted- well- The Boy does censor me- when I use spicy language he says "HEY" very loudly- and I usually apologize and continue on with whatever I was talking about.   

 

This got me thinking- growing up I heard my share of swearing. Shit, dammit, asshole, sonofabitch, these were things I heard, albeit sporadically. If either of my parents uttered the word Fuck it stopped me in my tracks. That was a word that just wasn't said out of the blue- if at all...not when I was growing up anyway. My parents uttering the mack daddy of all swear words was reason for me to hide- shit was going down and I didn't want to be around.  

But now- raising my kids- the word fuck is just that. A word. Not a very nice word to be sure- but just a word that has a time and place. Not at school, not at Grandma's house, not in front of younger kiddos, but there are times. Hurting yourself really bad for instance- that is cause to say Fuck.  Being irritated at school and saying "What the fuck" not OK. (Yes that happened- The Boy said that at after school care. Luckily I was there and diffused the situation quickly)  

I don't spew curse words in every conversation, around other people's kids, or in public. Like I said- there are times and places for these "language enhancers" (thank you Spongebob) and in the middle of Target or surrounded by kids at the local park are not them.  I would NEVER dream of using the word fuck in any connotation around my Grandma.  But in the comfort of my own home- with only my family around? You bet your sweet ass I use them . All the fucking time. Unless The Boy is censoring me- then I just say them quietly...

So for all of you that think I am a terrible,cock-a-doodie dirty birdie...so sorry. Words are words are words. How we choose to wield them is what gives them meaning- good or bad.  I could say fuck off ya fuckin fucks- but that is pretty rude. I did put a disclaimer at the top of this blog- AND the title alone should have given you an idea you wouldn't like this subject matter- so I can only assume you kept reading so you could get all pissed off and make a rude comment- so in that case Off is the direction in which I would like you to fuck... 

This is fucking amazing!
http://www.geeky-gadgets.com/periodic-table-of-swearing-any-bad-word-just-a-click-away-video-11-12-2011/

Field Trip!!!

Field trips. Kids love 'em, teacher's have a love/hate relationship, parents volunteer either out of a sense of obligation or because they are complete masochists who feel they need to be punished.Then you have the parents who seriously enjoy going on the trips- if nothing more than to have some adults to talk to!  I can be placed in any one of those categories depending on the situation.

 I have gone on the majority of Noah's field trips. Mostly because I am paranoid and so worried about his behavior, sensory overload, etc. etc. Most of his field trips have been with the autistic class so of course these are all things the teachers are prepared for- but I definitely fall into the "I enjoy field trips" category on this one. Noah has done remarkably well on every trip I have gone on so I have been lucky.

Usually when chaperoning a field trip you get a group of kids you are responsible for. I have done that 100 times with the other 2 kids- but with Noah I have always just been responsible for him.  Today's trip I was assigned a group of kids *shudder*. I was a little worried - o.k. A LOT worried about how things were gonna go down. I was relieved to find out I would be with another mom and 4 boys- so if Noah had a meltdown, or something else happened she would be there to take up the slack.

While waiting to get on the bus I was visiting with other parents, and other kids kept coming up to me and telling me how awesome Noah was, how funny he was, how nice he was - and the icing on the cake? Parents were saying the same things! One young man told me he would miss Noah so much when he wasn't at school anymore ( he will be transitioning back to school closer to home next fall). This boys mom also told me that he was worried that nobody would stick up for Noah if he got bullied- because "I take care of Noah". I almost cried happy tears. 

My heart was so happy today! Hearing all of these wonderful, positive, amazing things about my kid-  well it was awesome. Any parent loves to hear great things about their kid- and I puff up with pride when anyone tells me great things about ANY of my kiddos. But with Noah- it's different- because HE is different. These kids he goes to school with are fantastic. These parents are wonderful. The whole environment is so accepting, diverse and helpful.

I have always known that he would be coming back to our home school. That was always the goal. But after such a fantastariffic day- my heart is heavy. Of course there are things I can put in the Pro column coming back here. But there are cons as well. I am even more worried than ever- after seeing the kids interact with him, hear their stories about him, and the fact that they truly care for his well being- I can't even describe it. These are 8 and 9 year old boys and girls- and they have more compassion and empathy than many adults I know. 

So I am just going to live in the moment for now. We had a fun day together, the sun was shining, we learned some neat stuff and got to pet a llama. A beautiful day indeed.

Homework Sucks- Part Deux

Wow- the response to the Homework Sucks blog have been overwhelming, amazing, tear and laughter inducing- simply awesome! It is so comforting to hear the stories of other's issues and challenges- to be able to commiserate with other moms that have the same frustrations I have. And thanks to the amazing founder of Moms Who Drink and Swear (MWDAS) I have got a lot more feedback as well as some new friends on Facebook!

But alas, with the good comes the uptight so I just want to make a few things crystal clear. I do not like homework (in case the subject was lost on anyone) and here are MY reason's why:

1) There is no evidence that proves that mountains of homework, especially in the elementary years, is at all helpful.

2) Children on the Autism Spectrum or those with ADD/ADHD have a hard enough time sitting and focusing for an entire school day- having to sit still, concentrate  and listen quietly is quite a challenge- much less when they come home and just want to relax. (I am sure this also holds true for other children with special needs- I can speak only to what I personally deal with)

3) When homework literally makes a child cry- that is ridiculous and I will draw the line.  I want to spend the afternoons with my kids- not doing more work , and certainly not having them throwing screaming fits that ruin everybody's night. Who would want that??

4) With very few exceptions- homework is busy work- or at least in my experience with all three of my kids.

Worksheets are boring and brain sucking. Having to write repetitive sentences is just that, repetitive and while it may be useful for some kids - it is just a hassle for many.  Packets of worksheets are redundant and simply unnecessary,

The exceptions to this are (in my opinion) a) multiplication- the repetitiveness of this task is actually very important- it is a skill that will be used all the time throughout life. b) Reading and book reports - now this is also depending on the format of the book report and the books they are supposed to read.

Now- in the younger grades, usually 3rd grade and up- they are beginning to learn about genre, setting, plot, etc. Teacher's that help kids find books that are at their reading level and of INTEREST to them find that they don't have as much resistance- same with the parents. c) Nope- that's it. Can't think of any other reasons.
My goal is not to put down any teachers for their teaching styles or homework policies. I understand that many teacher's have no choice and are forced to give more homework than they would like. Like I said.. I LOVE my son's teacher- she works with me and we communicate regularly- that is KEY to any parent teacher relationship- communication.

Now I know from experience with my other kids that the older they get the harder it becomes to communicate- once they hit middle and high school- they are being groomed to live in the adult world and mommy and daddy hand holding is not needed anymore.  It also becomes harder as teachers see an average of 150-180 students a day and the personal level of elementary school is lost.   This is something that I worry endlessly about with my Autistic child..we have enjoyed a very close relationship with his teachers from mid-kindergarten until now- and I am very concerned that this will become a thing of the past- or even worse, become a destructive rather than constructive tool.

So- thanks to all who commented, gave advice, and vented! Your input is all amazing and I appreciate the fact that you all took time to read my little ol' blog. Keep reading, by all means!  I wanted to share some comments I received. Enjoy!

Oh lord, I have lived that pain with my oldest - he has ADHD and is on the spectrum. Excruciating. And I was a teacher. Who worked with special needs students. My kids at school were never like my son who would suddenly lose the hand strength to hold a pencil or fall out on the floor writhing when we tried to write a sentence, or erase the paper till he ripped a hole in it and insist on starting over with a new sheet. 10 times.  (Summer from MWDAS)

Homework takes up to 4 hours a night at our place. I've argued with the teacher, but she's adamant...and homework is HALF their grade. You're right, Meg...they aren't teaching anymore. Schools have become a self learning environment.  (Chrissie from MWDAS)

My son is 6 1/2 and has Autism, and is "mainstreamed". While we haven't hit multiplication problems yet, he also HATES to write ANYTHING.... and he gets spelling homework almost everyday and has to write the words 3x each and put them in sentences. I fell like I could have written that blog..... that is EXACTLY what happens in my house every freaking day. Literally. Even my husband stepping in and then telling them both how to do it while I am in the kitchen. (Barbara from MWDAS)

These are a very small sample of the comments- I got some great advice from someone ON THE SPECTRUM- definitely some material to research and food for thought.  Check out the rest of the blog site- read the comments and by all means go to http://www.facebook.com/momswhodrinkandswear?ref=ts   not for the faint of heart or judgmental  pearl clutching variety- but a great place to vent, have fun and get a good laugh at shit that might otherwise make you cry.

Cheers my friends, Here is to a (hopefully) homework free weekend!

School is almost over. Someone pass me my wine...

It's almost over- another school year is coming to a bittersweet end. Bittersweet because while I look forward to lazy summer days hanging out at the pool with the midgets, it also means the inevitable "I'm bored" There is nobody home" There is nothing to do"  and so on and so forth. I used to be a much more enterprising mom, I had rainy day activities, bored activities, just because activities that I could pull out at any moment the summer whining set in. But alas, the kids have grown older and my ideas, which were once regarded with a reverence rivaled only by candy and unlimited TV watching, fall flat.  So what is a mom to do? Crack open that bottle of wine in the fridge? Tempting, tempting- but no- I really have to step up my game. The tween princess would be perfectly content to shove her ear buds in, blast her Ipod and give us dirty looks-, while the autistic 8 year old would rot in front of the TV watching reruns of Chowder- which being a summer slacker mom are ideas I seriously consider.  But no- while there will surely be days like that I can't idly sit by while the knowledge gained over the last 9 months of school slowly oozes out of their ears. So it's idea time! Summer library programs are always a good thing- the local schools here on the Island offer one as well as the Trenton Library- and they have one specifically geared towards the tween/teen set. There is always Waters edge pool- a family unlimited pass is fairly easy on the budget, it is close by and we are guaranteed to run into friends we know.  Pack a light lunch and we are good for an entire afternoon.  Walking to Centennial Farms, seeing the horses, walking to the pond and enjoying the children's garden- also a fun afternoon, and best a free one!  Then of course there is always the movies (not often though- kind of spendy) museums in the area- Imagination Station in Toledo is only about 45 minutes away and admission is surprisingly cheap- 8.50 for adults and 6.50 for the kids. The hands On Museum in Ann Arbor is always a fun adventure for the younger set, (although my 11 year old likes it a lot- just doesn't let on!)  So there are a few ideas to keep handy as the summer stretches out. Oops- lets not forget the family trips up north to look forward to  as well as a much needed vacation for Mom and Dad ONLY (grandparents get a weekend to spoil the kids)  So I am shutting the fridge door for now- I will save the wine for another day- I have a sneaking suspicion it will be much appreciated in a couple of weeks!