Giving up, giving in, or retreating for now. How Algebra is kicking my a$$.

WHAT?!?!!?

I went back to school last August. I incurred a mountain of student loan debt and was ready to finish my degree so I could finally teach. Things were going great, even if fast track online classes were making my head spin. Then came the class I have been avoiding for years. The class that is holding me back from finishing school. ALGEBRA.  I. HATE. IT. I do not understand anything beyond the very base level problems that require me to "Solve for x". What's worse,  I seem to be able to learn math skills,and have a low level of confidence,  and suddenly the information is just gone. POOF. Like it never existed. What in the hell is THAT about?

I thought it was just "math anxiety" which is a very real thing. Researchers at the University of Chicago  found that for people who get anxious at the idea of doing mathematics, just preparing to do a math problem can trigger activity in a part of your brain that registers physical pain. NO SHIT!!  When the subjects were asked to prepare to do a math problem, they showed significant activity in the posterior insula, an area deep in the brain that is associated with responding to threats and experiencing pain.

Yeah, that sounds about right. As a matter of fact, laying my hand on a hot stove burner is right up there on the list of "Things I Would Rather Do Than Math"  that, and stabbing myself in the eye with a pencil. Just thinking about this is giving me a math headache right now.

Where did that 0 come from?

I didn't do well with Algebra in high school, and now many, many years later- it is a million to the tenth power times worse. My brain seriously does not think in "theoretical" terms. Much like my son on the autism spectrum, I deal in concrete terms. If you give me a math problem, there should be a definitive answer. Not this bullshit, 6x+4y=15 where we are going to say y is 0 and x is 1. WHAT THE FUCK? Where did the 1 and 0 come from? How come making up numbers is ok? How is there a bazillion answers for one problem?? What the hell is a slope intersect and how do you graph it??  What is a function? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!?

Not THIS Khan

For three weeks I have sat at my kitchen table, using the numerous resources at my disposal- the textbook, online tutors, The Khan Academy (which is not teaching me how to shake my fist and yell "KHAN" in my best William Shatner voice), Purple Math (which is geared towards middle school age kids), other students, The Mister, Teenzilla, Youtube videos- whatever I can get my hands on. I am averaging 18-20 hours a week on the homework and about that much sobbing and throwing things. I have lost sleep, I smoke like a chimney and my family hides from me.  This can't be simple "math anxiety" and with these fast track classes I do not have time to seek a possible diagnosis for Dyscalculia which  is a specific learning disability involving innate difficulty in learning or comprehending arithmetic. It is akin to dyslexia and includes difficulty in understanding numbers, learning how to manipulate numbers, learning maths fact, and a number of other related symptoms. (Wikipedia) 

ALGEBRAAAAA!!!

Learning is hard work, and it's easy to get lazy once you are out of school. This isn't the case. I am NOT lazy. I LOVE school. I have a 3.89 GPA right now. I AM intelligent. I just can't do math. Trying to see how algebra actually fits into my every day life is frustrating to say the least. This abstract crap does NOT fit into MY everyday life! I truly believe that I have no practical use for graphing inequalities.

NEVER going to need this

So what do I do? I have been TRYING so damn hard. I am truly doing the best I can. I hate to fail at ANYTHING- I have never felt so much like a failure than I do now. I do not have the time or financial resources available to re-take this class- much less an Algebra II class. I am ready to just give up. I mean- what would be any different if I fail and then take this class again? The understanding of Algebra isn't going to magically appear. And seriously, pushing 40 years old- taking 3-6 months off to get counseling and intensive tutoring just isn't going to happen. I am already at the edge of the curve to be hired- what with all the baby faced youngsters flooding the teaching profession.  

Someone commented on one of my many ravings on Facebook that I wouldn't want my kids to just see me give up. What they are seeing mom lose it daily, cry, snap at everyone and just be generally miserable. They are watching me sit at my kitchen table, asking for help, trying to do the work for HOURS on end to the exclusion of EVERYTHING else...sometimes even dinner. What they are seeing is mom doing her very, very best, and not "getting"it. Hard work is not something I am afraid of. Hard work with no reward and a big fat "F" is. 

Instead of calling it "quitting" I will call it a calculated retreat.  In the meantime,  if anyone needs me, I'll be under the covers with a glass of wine and some chocolate  ruminating on my failure. 

How will a $3,000 scholarship for education make a difference in my life?

If you read my blog you know I have been trying to finish my Special Education degree for a number of years now.  Work, kids, life and autism have always managed to get in my way. That and MONEY!! That's what it really all boils down to- the all mighty dollar!!!  And like most people- I never have any extra- and if by some crazy miracle I do- it most likely goes on my kids' backs, and wouldn't be enough to even buy a textbook. (Did you know you can RENT those now??)


3 years ago, I got a scholarship. It would allow me to take at least two classes a semester for a year. I unfortunately- in my giddy excitement ( I ADORE being a student) I didn't read that it was for Winter, Fall, Winter, Fall. No Spring/Summer. So- I took a spring/summer class, only to be very upset when I realized my mistake. I contacted the college and asked if there was ANY way I could substitute that Spring/Summer semester for the last Winter one. No. I couldn't. I still don't understand why- probably a punishment for being an idiot.

So- now I am into the college for almost 2K and it is the LAST bill I think to pay- what with keeping my lights on, food in the house and my mortgage paid- that seems like small potatoes. But I am desperately unhappy in my current job. I LOVE what I do- but I want my own class! I want to be helping kids just like The Boy- I want to be making a difference doing what I LOVE. So now the scholarship hunt begins.
(Don't even ask about FAFSA- been down that road- DENIED)

With a gazillion sites out there Broke Scholar,Scholarships.com,Education Connection,  and of course offerings from my university of choice (Wayne State- go Warriors!), each promising thousands of dollars to get an education, it's not HARD to apply. It just takes hours, days, weeks of sifting through, writing essays, (hence the title of this blog) and meeting deadlines.

I have applied for and wrote several  "short answer" essays- and when I read them I think- why WOULDN'T someone give me this scholarship? And then I remember- ohhhhh....because I am competing with all of the millions of 18-20 year old's just beginning their college careers, the millions of people retraining for a new career after losing their jobs in our shitty economy. But then- I try to look at the bright side- I want to be a SPECIAL EDUCATION TEACHER!! With an Autistic Spectrum Disorder endorsement. I know that so many schools need GOOD special ed teachers, I know I could find a job- especially with the endorsement.  So dammit- give me some MONEY!!

Then my neighbor asks me- do you ever wonder if it is worth it to finish your degree at this age- when someone 15 -20 years younger than me might be considered first. And I said NO- of course not! Because along with an education from a school of higher learning, I have many years of PRACTICAL experience that put me way ahead of some fresh faced young thing- that has no idea that walking into a special needs environment  means kids that don't speak, kids who can't control their bodies, kids who have violent outbursts, kids who need to have diapers changed, kids on the spectrum, kids with ADHD, kids that hit, kick, spit and cry.  Parents who look to you for guidance, support and help. Cuts in funding for already struggling programs, Grant writing (aka begging for money) and making do with what you have. A physical, and mentally challenging career that takes a special person to do, and do well.

You may ask- WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS? Simple- because I love kids- all shapes, sizes and colors. And since beginning this journey with Autism- I have had an opportunity to meet so many different kids, with different issues, and they need someone like ME! I am vocal, I am tireless when it comes to advocating. I believe EVERY child can learn. What they NEED to learn and WHEN they need it.

This is why I need a paltry $3000. This is how a scholarship would make a difference in my life- so I could FINALLY  start to finish my education and  make a difference in  so many other's lives. So what if I am  starting at 40 years old? I have A LOT to give, A LOT of years to go.

So c'mon- show me the $$$$.  Pretty please??