The holiDAZE with Autism

Making him take pictures- not my best idea

The HoliDAZE and Autism... two things that don't often mix well. The rushing, the loud music, the winter clothes, the crowds,  and new foods can all be a sensory NIGHTMARE for the child with Autism. Meltdowns are more likely to happen during this time of year- and with all of the other things going on it is VERY easy as a parent to get overwhelmed ourselves. So here are some things that we have found helps us out this crazy time of year...and being blessed with a child who has High Functioning Autism, we have it easier than some folks. But these tips can be helpful for ANY child and frazzled parent. So here goes...


1)This time of year is filled with meeting new people and the social stresses of being polite, and thanking people for gifts can put a BIG strain on a kiddo on the spectrum. Social stories are AMAZING helpers - but so is a willingness as parents to be understanding, TRY and limit interactions that involve a lot of new people and settings.  Don't do too much on any one day, if possible- limit things to one event a day. And if at all possible- try to entertain at your house- this gives your child a safe environment where expectations are  understood.


2)Schedules tend to change A LOT this time of year. And as I am sure any parent of an autistic child will tell you, schedules and predictability are VITAL in keeping the peace. Try and keep the daily schedule as close to "normal" as possible. Have a chill out time if you can. Try and include (if and when appropriate) your kiddos in the process. Put events on a calendar just for them- then remind them as time gets closer- it helps to take the mystery out of something new- as they can get ready by watching the count down. Each morning, share that day's schedule with the kids, and only that day's schedule. Don't worry about tomorrow or next week.  Again- SOCIAL STORIES!! Can't say enough about them!

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3)Sensory issues during the holidays - where to begin? New foods, new textures, new sounds....it can be a veritable mine field for a autistic child.  Some things that might help are Keep clothes soft and comfortable,( this is particularly hard for me as I am the "Let's get dressed up" mom). Serve a favorite at meals, or have them eat before. This is a cardinal rule in our house- nothing worse than a hungry kid -ANY kid. Don't force hello's and goodbyes- this is a chaotic time with a lot going on- forcing the issue is NOT in anyone's best interest!  Crowded malls bring out the worst in people- imagine not having the ability to filter all of the noise, touching, lights and loud people- you would meltdown too!! Try and shop without then kid - you will BOTH be better off!  

4) Make sure family and friends are well informed about your child's "quirks". What might be mistaken as obnoxious or rude behavior is more than likely just a part of your autistic child's personality. Seeing the world in black and white can be a blessing and a curse. Especially around the holidays when we might be interacting with people that we don't see often, and who may not always be on our top 10 list. Make sure guests are aware that your kid may need a break- and they are walking away without answering because they feel overwhelmed, not because they are being a brat. Or (especially in our house) the kiddo answering a question or engaging in conversation that is COMPLETELY about dinosaurs- just smile and nod- we will take care of it when it seems to be out of control. Remember, they want to be involved too- but if you ask a lot of questions that is usually a sure way to shut them down. Also- processing time is usually longer, so be patient and wait for your answer!  

5)Find ways that your kid can help to make the holidays their own. Baking, decorating, setting the table, helping with Christmas cards- be as creative as you can. This is an amazing tradition builder as well as making Christmas with Autism a good time for all. 

6) And please don't forget about US. As parents to a kiddo on the spectrum, we spend a great deal of our time keeping schedules, trying to make sure  other siblings aren't losing out on things they like as well, school issues, friend issues,  and the holiDAZE are no exception. We don't get to enjoy holiday functions and family gatherings, probably because we are trying to keep the kiddo on an even keel,so most times we just don't get to go at all. We get a little stressed, overwhelmed and lonely too. Stop by with some of those cookies the whole family got together to make- you know- that fun event we decided not to attend because our ASD kiddo is all over the place, meltdown conditions are high, and the time of evening it is at is NOT the best time for him.  Please don't assume that just because he is older, he is "better." Not how it works. For us- early signs of puberty are starting- so now we have a whole new set of challenges. Everybody is dealing with their own challenges with autism and the holiDAZE- just remember- be patient, and be kind. We really appreciate it. 

So whether it is a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah,  Happy Kwanzaa, Blessed Yule or Merry Jar of Dirt for you- I hope some of these will help.   And please- by all means wish me a Happy/Merry/Blessed  whatever- I promise not to be offended.... I will be happy you took a minute to say something nice to me. 

I'll have Christmas please. Hold the Autism.

Christmastime is a minefield when you have a kiddo with autism. Routines may change, no school, the anticipation- these are all things that provide a perfect environment for a HUGE meltdown. We were miraculously meltdown free until Christmas Eve when our normal plans were sidelined due to a sick Grandpa. Our big dinner and present opening with Grandma and Grandpa and Auntie was not going to happen. So, Grandma and Auntie came over to drop off gifts and to get hot dinner to take home. Presents were opened while I tried to get everything done in the kitchen. It was loud, and hot, and NOT THE SAME. The Boy was very disappointed that the family wasn't staying. I was disappointed.  But I plastered a smile on my face and kept going, trying to gloss over the fact it was NOT THE SAME.

The calm before the storm

I could see the signs, EXTREME hyperactivity, rude language, flushed cheeks, dilated pupils- meltdown was imminent. I hoped that after eating something he would calm down. Nope. The Boy rushed through dinner, and even though I knew better, I made him stay at the table with the rest of us, it was Christmas Eve dammit!  I had the NORAD Santa tracker going, and kept updating Santa's trip- but The Boy couldn't have cared less.

Dinner ended, and we were cleaning up. Teenzilla and The 20 Something were playing with the Nerf arsenal we get every Christmas. This agitated The Boy even more. "It's not time!" he yelled and frantically picked up the Nerf darts all over the living room.

We prepared for our annual reading of The Night Before Christmas, saying goodbye to Clyde our Elf and setting out the cookies and milk for Santa.  The Mister called everyone together. The Boy reluctantly came, holding his new Nerf gun from Grandma and grumbling about wanting to lay on the couch.  We made it through the reading, with Teenzilla and The 20 Something interjecting their humor into it- much to The Boy's chagrin.  Things were deteriorating fast.  

Then- the MOMENT happened. The Boy had gone upstairs to watch TV in my room. Netflix WASN'T WORKING! He came flying downstairs in a panic, "Netflix isn't working!! Netflix isn't working!!"  I went upstairs and checked it out. I turned the Wii off and on again. Nothing. I came downstairs and checked. Nothing. I went online- Netflix was out for certain people. There was nothing I could do. I calmly explained this to The Boy. That. Was. It.  He screamed, he cried, he threw himself on the couch.  Hoping to pull him out of it, I said "Clyde is still here you know. You don't want a bad report to Santa on Christmas Eve. Let's get Santa's cookies ready." So I dragged him through what is usually a fun ritual, and told him he could lay down in my bed and watch something on the DVR. I led his rigid body upstairs, tucked him in and turned on the TV. "I'm sorry mom"  he said. I hugged him tight and tried not to cry. "It's ok buddy. Time to sleep so Santa will come."  I kissed him and went downstairs.

All of my years with dealing with the dreaded meltdown and I broke every damn rule about avoiding one. The initial disappointment, the rushed dinner, the forced sitting with us, putting him through the  motions of cookies and milk, saying goodbye to our Elf- what the hell was wrong with me?   Things had gone so blessedly smooth, I was lulled into a sense of complacency, a sense of NORMALCY, so much so that I blew off the signs of impending doom and forced a fun Christmas Eve. I felt like crap. I consoled myself with the fact that come morning all of this would be forgotten. And of course, it was.

Christmas Day arrived and everyone was up early and so very excited- of course. The Boy was hyper, but what kid isn't on Christmas? Opening presents was awesome, and Santa had brought just what The Boy had asked for- an Xbox with Kinect.  It was awesome to see his face when he opened it! It was awesome watching all of the kids open their gifts!  The Mister set the Xbox up as I explained to The Boy that we were going to another Aunt's home for the family Christmas brunch, so he only had about an hour and a half for playing. He waved me off- "Ok, ok, I know!"

And we're off!

I got myself ready, cooked the bacon that I was bringing and got more and more tense as the time approached to turn off the Xbox and pile in the car to drive 30 minutes and go have brunch (which he wouldn't eat anyway) with 12 cousins, 9 assorted aunts and uncles, 2 dogs and a house he hadn't been to since he was a baby.  What could possibly go wrong??  More noise, more heat, more craziness- I mean for someone NOT on the spectrum this was sensory overload.

The whole fam damily

Calming himself down!

As everyone arrived and the house got more crowded and noisy, The Boy parked himself in front of the giant fish tank. He zoned out on the peaceful swimming fish. He blinked, looked around and greeted cousins. He even got up and mingled. And as I watched like a hawk, I started seeing the same signs, flushed cheeks, jerky movements and wide eyes.I prepared for the worst and started to go to him. He looked around and made a beeline for the fish tank. He sat in front of it and just watched. You could see the tension start to leave his shoulders, his face relaxed, HE relaxed.  He SELF REGULATED PEOPLE! He KNEW it was all too much, and he KNEW how calming that fish tank was for him AND HE WENT TO IT! No prompting from me or anyone. HE DID IT HIMSELF! This was fantastic! And no other gift could top it. Nobody else noticed, nobody else had any clue what had happened. But The Mister and I did. Merry Christmas to us.

So now here we are, over halfway through the second day after Christmas. The house is mostly put back together,the cookies are gone,  the leftovers are all gone, and life should be getting back to normal after another chaotic holiday. Kids are bickering over the Xbox, we have played outside in the snow, had a Nerf gun battle and things have been fairly relaxed.  Why do I feel like I have been on a month long bender?   Like The Mister said- you don't have to drink too much for Christmas hangover. Ain't that the truth?

Autism, Paranormal Investigators and a Guest Blog

I have been a terribly lazy blogger. I have been very busy doing other things, but I don't want to make excuses! To make up for my laziness I asked the author of the blog My Ausome Son from one of my most stalked Facebook pages A Legion for Liam to write a guest post for me.She is an amazing mom and I love her blog! Every day this month she is sharing a holiday coloring page or maze chosen by Liam- so cool!  Her Liam reminds me a lot of The Boy and her attitude reminds me a lot of MYSELF! Go check her out on FB, and go read her blog- you won't be disappointed! One of her most recent posts I REALLy enjoyed and could relate so much with was Yes, even Santa makes mistakes  So, without further delay- introducing, A Legion for Liam.

Photo courtesy of http://myausomeson.blogspot.com/

I was asked by Red Vines and Wine to do a guest blog post….So here goes….I hope I do it justice. 

(Of course she did!)

Tell me a little about you! (Paranormal investigator- I want to know about that!):

As you may or may not know, my real name is Courtney. It’s funny because I have come to “know” so many of you, but most of you I know by your page names, not your real names.

I am 33, the baby of my family, and grew up in a small town. I still live in a small town, not far from where I grew up. I have always had macabre interests that stem from as far back as I can remember. When we moved in 1988, our house was placed on top of the old foundation of the Goodwin Family homestead. Where my room was, used to be the old kitchen, and it was where my great great Aunt, passed on. It wasn’t long before our house had paranormal activity, and at that young age I was terrified!

Photo Courtesy of http://emparanormal.webs.com

The older I got, the more interested I became. I wanted to know if all the experiences I had as a child were real, or part of an over active imagination.

In 2007 we started to have experiences in our own home, and through a friend, I contacted a local paranormal group. They investigated our home, and caught one EVP. They also asked me to join their group. I was ecstatic. 
So, in my spare time, I am a paranormal investigator with Endless Mountains Paranormal. (they are on Facebook  Check ‘em out and tell them I sent you!!!) It’s often harder for me to go now a days because Liam tends to be so much of a hand full, I feel terrible leaving him with his dad. 

Tell me about Liam:

More about Liam:
Liam is now 6. He has only been officially diagnosed for over a year, though I have always known there was something different about him. 

As you may or may not know, Liam’s official diagnosis is now Autism Spectrum Disorder. He was originally diagnosed as having Aspergers, but upon a second opinion, it was changed to ASD. He is however high functioning. He very much resembles a child with Aspergers, but he also leans more towards a traditional ASD diagnosis. He is kinda, in between.

He is super smart, has an AUSOME memory and really amazes me (and many others) with his vocabulary. What is funny is that, he can’t read between the lines, he doesn’t get a joke, yet he will try like hell to make one!!!!

He is a good boy but is VERY high strung, often aggressive, and mouthy as well. Many don’t believe he is on the spectrum because “he is so smart!” A common misconception and one of the reasons I wanted to start ALFL.

Photo courtesy of http://www.facebook.com/ALegionForLiam

What are some of your experiences with autism? The good, the not so good and the AWFUL

I tend to be a glass half full person, and I always try to view Autism in that manner. Let’s face it though, it’s not always that easy. There are days when Autism sneaks up, kicks our legs out from under us, and knocks us on our arses! I HATE those days!

Those are the days I want to scream! I want to take Autism away, and never have to think about it again. Those are the days I might actually tell you I WANT a cure for Autism……..
If you know me, or follow me, you know that is NOT like me. I don’t feel my son needs “cured” because I don’t feel there is anything “wrong” with him. I feel Autism is a part of who he is, and without it he would be a different little boy……

But as I said, the days when Autism is full blown and raging in my face, I hate it! I hate when my child wants nothing more than to play with other kids, and then he is shot down because of his inability to understand the game or social cues of the other kiddos. I hate Autism when it shoots his anxiety through the roof, and something so simple for “normal” kids, such as a birthday party, becomes a cause for concern and major worry for a 6 year old child. I hate Autism when it makes him meltdown over a thrown away receipt, or a penny he NEEDS to pick up from the dirty, nasty ground. I hate Autism when my son won’t hug me, show me affection or look me in the eye……

Photo courtesy of http://www.facebook.com/ALegionForLiam

I also LOVE Autism. Yep, you read right, I sure do! I love Autism, when my son teaches ME how to use my computer better. I love Autism when my son teaches me how to play a video game. I love Autism when my son repeats a commercial or catch phrase word for word, at just the right time. I love Autism because of the bond he has with his friends with Autism. I love that they are drawn to each other and have a friendship like no other. I love Autism because I have met some great mothers with children I adore! I also love Autism because it brought you all to me, or me to all of you. I feel I am part of a sorority/frat house of other Autism parents, who understand one another like no one else can. For all of that, I love Autism!

What is one quirk that you LOVE about your Aspie?

My favorite quirk of Liam’s would have to be his connection with the elderly. Put him a room of his peers and he fails to connect miserably. Take him to an old folks home and watch him shine! He is a 6 year old with the mind of a 60 year old. He is for sure an old soul! Every year when we go trick or treating, we HAVE to take him into the retirement home. NOT for candy, but to VISIT! Yes, I said visit. He absolutely adores them! We have elderly neighbors, and almost every day he goes over for a visit.

What is one thing you would trade anything so that he would not do it?

That being said, I have to say he also has some annoying quirks. Hmmmm, where shall I start. We DON’T step on cracks! (sometimes that is a real PITA) We can’t say certain things (ie: kill two birds with one stone,(because why would you kill 2 birds!) (we also can’t say, “see you later” unless you fully intend to see that person later!) VOCAL STIMMING!!!!! I used to think Liam just talked to talk, or to annoy me!!! I now know better, but that doesn’t make it any easier. One can only stand to hear “Topeka Kansas” less than 100 times a day. Oh and phonics, well they suck! He stims on every consonant sound, UGH!!!

How do you deal with autism and the holidays?

As those of you who follow my ALFL page know, the holidays are already upon us. That means STRESS for everyone!!!! Of course, Autism doesn’t take a break. It doesn’t take a day off, nor does it care about the holidays. 

Every year I am constantly thinking of how the family gatherings will go. I will say it has gotten easier since the official diagnosis. They all know Liam has Autism, and no longer think, “wow her kid is a brat!” With that said, I still am self conscious about how he will behave. 
I ALWAYS take a bag with sensory toys and things to keep him occupied. Electronics are a must!!!! The newest addition is his body sock. This way, if I have to remove him from all the excitement, he can crawl in and feel even more secure. 

Photo courtesy of http://www.facebook.com/ALegionForLiam

Let’s not forgot the special goodies… He is no longer GFCF because well, we can’t afford it. (that sounds awful but hey, I am honest!) I do take food because as many of you know our kiddos are so darn finicky! I make sure I take enough for him to share because hey, he is not the only kid at these functions.
One thing I have also learned to do is to judge his emotions. I pay close attention the day of the function to how he is feeling/acting. Upon arriving at said function, I make no bones about alerting everyone to the fact that Liam is having a “rough, good, bad, angry or anxious” day. I am not looking to get him sympathy, I am looking for them to cut him a little slack if he behaves inappropriately. It seems to work with our families, and he is now more understood by them all than he has ever been!

So, my friends, that is my life in a nutshell. I am not an exciting person. I myself am quirky, awkward and sometimes anti social. I am me! You either, love me or hate me. It makes no difference to me. I am who I am and though approval is nice, it’s not needed. Hey, took me 30 years to learn this! (I couldn't have said it better Courtney!)

Thank you so much Courtney for sharing Liam and a snapshot of your family with us!  

Photo courtesy of http://www.facebook.com/ALegionForLiam

Dear Santa

Dear Santa:

I won't say I have been necessarily GOOD this year- but I certainly haven't been BAD either. I gave of myself, my time and talents, and there are just a couple of things I would like for Christmas- if you can swing them that is.


1) Family members that pick up their own crap- without being told 10 times.

2) The student loan money I so desperately need so I can finish this damn degree and start actually making real money in a career I love

3) A successful weight loss plan that doesn't involve hair falling out stress or illegal drugs. 


4) My husband to stop asking me what needs to be done around the house. YOU LIVE HERE!!! FIGURE IT OUT!!!

5) Teenage daughter to stop destroying the 5K I invested in her mouth by not wearing her retainers. 

6) Same teenage daughter to stop being so against showering and cleaning her room.

7) (nearly) 21 year old TO MOVE THE HELL OUT!!  

8) 9 year old to finally learn to tie his shoes. Autism, schmautism  he CAN do it.

9) Asshole neighbors to get their illegal landscaping leveled so my back yard won't rival Lake Michigan this spring. 

10) Extended family to stop treating us like lepers and actually hang out with MY kids once in awhile- without us having to resort to begging and planning a year in advance. 

I know you are busy, and a lot of folks are asking for a lot of things. This list is in order by priority- so let's just say Top 5?  I get screwed every year for my birthday and Mother's Day- so it would be nice if I could be recognized this year.  Just a little- I mean Christmas is all for my kiddos- and I don't want to steal their thunder- so just a wee bit- ok?

I made some pretty awesome cookies for ya- and screw the milk- I am leaving a bottle of my favorite wine for you this year. Just don't drink too much and ...ummm... sleigh?

Love,
D.

I believe in Santa!

She probably has this picture in her room somewhere

I read an article today about a second grade teacher that took it upon her mean ass self to tell  her class of 7 and 8 year olds there is no such thing as Santa... WHAT IN THE NAME OF KRIS KRINGLE IS THAT SHIT ALL ABOUT??  I was so angry after reading this- I mean whatever religion you may or may not be or your socio-economic background, kids everywhere have at least heard of Santa Claus. It is up to families to decide what to tell their kids.  Is he real? Is he fake? Just the “spirit” of Christmas? Whatever- it is NOT the right of an ADULT, ( NOT a parent) much less a teacher to tell them. What an asshole.


The Boy still believes in Santa, and Teenzilla plays along.  I am TERRIFIED about other kids making fun of him, telling him there is no such thing, etc.  He goes to school with a variety of kids, from special ed, to general ed. some,older kids for whom the magic has ended, and kids his age and younger who may still believe in the magic. 

Oops....busted!

We also do The Elf on The Shelf tradition.  This actually works for The Boy- which kind of surprises me- but it works it's magic and he gets up each morning very excited to see where Clyde, our elf is at. He has talked to him, he gets worried if we get on him for something that Santa is going to hear about it and he will get nothing for Christmas... as a behavior modifier it truly is awesome. Is this also going to be  source of ridicule by meanie kids?  I mean- our Elf has to be real- he has his own Facebook page!  Come check it out! Clyde Finnegan Elf has a lot of friends and can post pictures of his shenanigans there as well!




 It is a VERY fine line we are walking - and I am so afraid of what will happen when we fall. Not just for him either- for me. I mean doesn't the end of believing in Santa just mark a downhill slide out of innocence? Or is that too jaded?  Is it just simply a sign of growing up- a natural order that kids go through?  With the fall of Santa, the Tooth Fairy also takes a hit, as does the Easter Bunny. Damn..it IS sad. 

I know that someday we are going to tell him the "truth" about Father Christmas. Just like with the other 2 kids. That he was a very kind and generous soul called Saint Nick who lived many many years ago and that people decided that they wanted to keep the spirit of his kind ways alive and so that is where Santa Claus came from.  But, just as I have instilled in my other kids,  I feel the Christmas Spirit each December  and you can’t explain that to me outside of a universe with a Santa Claus in it. 



And THEN I'm going to hope that like me and his brother and sister he will carry on believing anyway. Because we all need a little magic in our lives.