The holiDAZE with Autism

Making him take pictures- not my best idea

The HoliDAZE and Autism... two things that don't often mix well. The rushing, the loud music, the winter clothes, the crowds,  and new foods can all be a sensory NIGHTMARE for the child with Autism. Meltdowns are more likely to happen during this time of year- and with all of the other things going on it is VERY easy as a parent to get overwhelmed ourselves. So here are some things that we have found helps us out this crazy time of year...and being blessed with a child who has High Functioning Autism, we have it easier than some folks. But these tips can be helpful for ANY child and frazzled parent. So here goes...


1)This time of year is filled with meeting new people and the social stresses of being polite, and thanking people for gifts can put a BIG strain on a kiddo on the spectrum. Social stories are AMAZING helpers - but so is a willingness as parents to be understanding, TRY and limit interactions that involve a lot of new people and settings.  Don't do too much on any one day, if possible- limit things to one event a day. And if at all possible- try to entertain at your house- this gives your child a safe environment where expectations are  understood.


2)Schedules tend to change A LOT this time of year. And as I am sure any parent of an autistic child will tell you, schedules and predictability are VITAL in keeping the peace. Try and keep the daily schedule as close to "normal" as possible. Have a chill out time if you can. Try and include (if and when appropriate) your kiddos in the process. Put events on a calendar just for them- then remind them as time gets closer- it helps to take the mystery out of something new- as they can get ready by watching the count down. Each morning, share that day's schedule with the kids, and only that day's schedule. Don't worry about tomorrow or next week.  Again- SOCIAL STORIES!! Can't say enough about them!

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3)Sensory issues during the holidays - where to begin? New foods, new textures, new sounds....it can be a veritable mine field for a autistic child.  Some things that might help are Keep clothes soft and comfortable,( this is particularly hard for me as I am the "Let's get dressed up" mom). Serve a favorite at meals, or have them eat before. This is a cardinal rule in our house- nothing worse than a hungry kid -ANY kid. Don't force hello's and goodbyes- this is a chaotic time with a lot going on- forcing the issue is NOT in anyone's best interest!  Crowded malls bring out the worst in people- imagine not having the ability to filter all of the noise, touching, lights and loud people- you would meltdown too!! Try and shop without then kid - you will BOTH be better off!  

4) Make sure family and friends are well informed about your child's "quirks". What might be mistaken as obnoxious or rude behavior is more than likely just a part of your autistic child's personality. Seeing the world in black and white can be a blessing and a curse. Especially around the holidays when we might be interacting with people that we don't see often, and who may not always be on our top 10 list. Make sure guests are aware that your kid may need a break- and they are walking away without answering because they feel overwhelmed, not because they are being a brat. Or (especially in our house) the kiddo answering a question or engaging in conversation that is COMPLETELY about dinosaurs- just smile and nod- we will take care of it when it seems to be out of control. Remember, they want to be involved too- but if you ask a lot of questions that is usually a sure way to shut them down. Also- processing time is usually longer, so be patient and wait for your answer!  

5)Find ways that your kid can help to make the holidays their own. Baking, decorating, setting the table, helping with Christmas cards- be as creative as you can. This is an amazing tradition builder as well as making Christmas with Autism a good time for all. 

6) And please don't forget about US. As parents to a kiddo on the spectrum, we spend a great deal of our time keeping schedules, trying to make sure  other siblings aren't losing out on things they like as well, school issues, friend issues,  and the holiDAZE are no exception. We don't get to enjoy holiday functions and family gatherings, probably because we are trying to keep the kiddo on an even keel,so most times we just don't get to go at all. We get a little stressed, overwhelmed and lonely too. Stop by with some of those cookies the whole family got together to make- you know- that fun event we decided not to attend because our ASD kiddo is all over the place, meltdown conditions are high, and the time of evening it is at is NOT the best time for him.  Please don't assume that just because he is older, he is "better." Not how it works. For us- early signs of puberty are starting- so now we have a whole new set of challenges. Everybody is dealing with their own challenges with autism and the holiDAZE- just remember- be patient, and be kind. We really appreciate it. 

So whether it is a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah,  Happy Kwanzaa, Blessed Yule or Merry Jar of Dirt for you- I hope some of these will help.   And please- by all means wish me a Happy/Merry/Blessed  whatever- I promise not to be offended.... I will be happy you took a minute to say something nice to me. 

I'll have Christmas please. Hold the Autism.

Christmastime is a minefield when you have a kiddo with autism. Routines may change, no school, the anticipation- these are all things that provide a perfect environment for a HUGE meltdown. We were miraculously meltdown free until Christmas Eve when our normal plans were sidelined due to a sick Grandpa. Our big dinner and present opening with Grandma and Grandpa and Auntie was not going to happen. So, Grandma and Auntie came over to drop off gifts and to get hot dinner to take home. Presents were opened while I tried to get everything done in the kitchen. It was loud, and hot, and NOT THE SAME. The Boy was very disappointed that the family wasn't staying. I was disappointed.  But I plastered a smile on my face and kept going, trying to gloss over the fact it was NOT THE SAME.

The calm before the storm

I could see the signs, EXTREME hyperactivity, rude language, flushed cheeks, dilated pupils- meltdown was imminent. I hoped that after eating something he would calm down. Nope. The Boy rushed through dinner, and even though I knew better, I made him stay at the table with the rest of us, it was Christmas Eve dammit!  I had the NORAD Santa tracker going, and kept updating Santa's trip- but The Boy couldn't have cared less.

Dinner ended, and we were cleaning up. Teenzilla and The 20 Something were playing with the Nerf arsenal we get every Christmas. This agitated The Boy even more. "It's not time!" he yelled and frantically picked up the Nerf darts all over the living room.

We prepared for our annual reading of The Night Before Christmas, saying goodbye to Clyde our Elf and setting out the cookies and milk for Santa.  The Mister called everyone together. The Boy reluctantly came, holding his new Nerf gun from Grandma and grumbling about wanting to lay on the couch.  We made it through the reading, with Teenzilla and The 20 Something interjecting their humor into it- much to The Boy's chagrin.  Things were deteriorating fast.  

Then- the MOMENT happened. The Boy had gone upstairs to watch TV in my room. Netflix WASN'T WORKING! He came flying downstairs in a panic, "Netflix isn't working!! Netflix isn't working!!"  I went upstairs and checked it out. I turned the Wii off and on again. Nothing. I came downstairs and checked. Nothing. I went online- Netflix was out for certain people. There was nothing I could do. I calmly explained this to The Boy. That. Was. It.  He screamed, he cried, he threw himself on the couch.  Hoping to pull him out of it, I said "Clyde is still here you know. You don't want a bad report to Santa on Christmas Eve. Let's get Santa's cookies ready." So I dragged him through what is usually a fun ritual, and told him he could lay down in my bed and watch something on the DVR. I led his rigid body upstairs, tucked him in and turned on the TV. "I'm sorry mom"  he said. I hugged him tight and tried not to cry. "It's ok buddy. Time to sleep so Santa will come."  I kissed him and went downstairs.

All of my years with dealing with the dreaded meltdown and I broke every damn rule about avoiding one. The initial disappointment, the rushed dinner, the forced sitting with us, putting him through the  motions of cookies and milk, saying goodbye to our Elf- what the hell was wrong with me?   Things had gone so blessedly smooth, I was lulled into a sense of complacency, a sense of NORMALCY, so much so that I blew off the signs of impending doom and forced a fun Christmas Eve. I felt like crap. I consoled myself with the fact that come morning all of this would be forgotten. And of course, it was.

Christmas Day arrived and everyone was up early and so very excited- of course. The Boy was hyper, but what kid isn't on Christmas? Opening presents was awesome, and Santa had brought just what The Boy had asked for- an Xbox with Kinect.  It was awesome to see his face when he opened it! It was awesome watching all of the kids open their gifts!  The Mister set the Xbox up as I explained to The Boy that we were going to another Aunt's home for the family Christmas brunch, so he only had about an hour and a half for playing. He waved me off- "Ok, ok, I know!"

And we're off!

I got myself ready, cooked the bacon that I was bringing and got more and more tense as the time approached to turn off the Xbox and pile in the car to drive 30 minutes and go have brunch (which he wouldn't eat anyway) with 12 cousins, 9 assorted aunts and uncles, 2 dogs and a house he hadn't been to since he was a baby.  What could possibly go wrong??  More noise, more heat, more craziness- I mean for someone NOT on the spectrum this was sensory overload.

The whole fam damily

Calming himself down!

As everyone arrived and the house got more crowded and noisy, The Boy parked himself in front of the giant fish tank. He zoned out on the peaceful swimming fish. He blinked, looked around and greeted cousins. He even got up and mingled. And as I watched like a hawk, I started seeing the same signs, flushed cheeks, jerky movements and wide eyes.I prepared for the worst and started to go to him. He looked around and made a beeline for the fish tank. He sat in front of it and just watched. You could see the tension start to leave his shoulders, his face relaxed, HE relaxed.  He SELF REGULATED PEOPLE! He KNEW it was all too much, and he KNEW how calming that fish tank was for him AND HE WENT TO IT! No prompting from me or anyone. HE DID IT HIMSELF! This was fantastic! And no other gift could top it. Nobody else noticed, nobody else had any clue what had happened. But The Mister and I did. Merry Christmas to us.

So now here we are, over halfway through the second day after Christmas. The house is mostly put back together,the cookies are gone,  the leftovers are all gone, and life should be getting back to normal after another chaotic holiday. Kids are bickering over the Xbox, we have played outside in the snow, had a Nerf gun battle and things have been fairly relaxed.  Why do I feel like I have been on a month long bender?   Like The Mister said- you don't have to drink too much for Christmas hangover. Ain't that the truth?