New Year's Resolutions are for idealistic hipsters....

It's that time of year again. The time when we all tell ourselves (and everyone within earshot) just how dramatically our life is about to change. Of course it is. Of course we do. Just like we did the last twenty New Year’s eves. And how well did all of THOSE turn out? Many of us are fantastic resolution makers. Beyond that, not so good. The making, good. The doing, not so good.


January is the "official" start time for change. A new year, a new you and all that jazz-you know the story. But if you really think about it- shouldn't you be making changes all year long? Why the hell are you waiting till the end of the year or the start of a new year? If your life was screwed up before 12/31, its going to be screwed up going into the new year. "But this year will be different!" you are probably saying or thinking as you read this. I truly wish you the best of luck with that. I know for myself- making a "resolution" is basically setting myself up for failure- because NOBODY holds me to higher standards than me- so when I fail- I fail HARD.




Let's count my resolution failures shall we?

1) Years 2002-2010- Going to lose weight and get into shape and eat better (even joined a gym for 5 of those years- have you seen my fat ass?)

2) Years 2005-2010- Going to quit smoking (quit for 6 months in '06, and again for 4 months in '08. The rest of the year's, maybe quit for a couple of weeks maybe a month)

3) Years 2001- 2010- Going to stop "sweating the small stuff" (OK- I have relaxed a little more over the years)

4) Years 2001-2010- Going to work with my hubby to make and stick to a budget (We try, all year round- getting better, but still not there)




So yeah- the biggest resolutions most people make, are my biggest failures.Damn. It's kind of depressing. I have come to the realization that if you make a resolution you might as well throw a penny in a fountain and make a wish. It’s the same hopeful optimism that drives both activities. No "resolution" will work unless you have formulated a plan- written it down and gave yourself reasonable time to complete it. And I repeat- why didn't you (or I) do this earlier in the year? I have needed to lose weight ALL YEAR. I have needed to quit smoking ALL YEAR. I have needed to save money and take better control of my finances ALL YEAR. The changing of the calendar after drinking, eating and smoking to my heart's content is not magical in itself. If only! Then we would all be thin beautiful, rich non smokers and there would be peace on Earth yadda yadda yadda.


If I am going to try to better myself, I should be doing it year-round. It should be a constant goal, not something marked on a calendar. I know that these things need to start at some point, and what I need to do. I also know that falling on my ass and looking like a total schmuck and then beating myself up over my dismal failure is not a good strategy.


So despite an abysmal track record and a vast wasteland of shattered dreams, we continue to approach every New Year the same way; with the same pointless strategy. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? So that must mean that a whole bunch of us are off our nut insane because that’s exactly what we do.


2013 hasn't been a horrible year- of course we had our setbacks, but there was a lot of good too. I'm still in school, The Mister is 3 classes away from his Bachelor's Degree (I am a year out- but hey almost there!), I got an amazing job as lead teacher and director of a great preschool, The Boy went away to camp for a week and we both survived, Teenzilla shaved her head for St. Baldrick's, (still blown away by that!) I got to meet Mary Tyler Mom at the shaving event- that was fantastic! I was a very loud advocate for The Boy and spread autism awareness like fairy dust all year, I got to watch a beautiful woman realize the dream of becoming a mom, to TWINS- I Want a Dumpster Baby has been a source of many smiles and happiness for me this year! I am pretty happy with 2013 for the most part, and look forward to a productive 2014.

I won't be making one single solitary resolution though. With the exception of those born on January 1, none of us are actually a full year older on New Year’s day. I challenge challenge everyone today to stop looking at the new year as a means to an end and to start looking at every moment as an opportunity for a new beginning. So eat, drink and be merry ,and just be just realistic, thankful, and hopeful.

New Year's Resolutions are for schmucks!

This looks good to me!

It's that time of year again. The time when we all tell ourselves (and everyone within earshot) just how dramatically our life is about to change. Of course it is. Of course we do. Just like we did the last twenty New Year’s eves. And how well did all of THOSE turn out? Many of us are fantastic resolution makers. Beyond that, not so good. The making, good. The doing, not so good.

January is the "official" start time for change.  A new year, a new you and all that jazz-you know the story.But  if you really think about it- shouldn't you be making changes all year long?  Why the hell are you waiting till the end of the year or the start of a new year? If your life was screwed  up before 12/31, its going to be screwed up going into the new year.  "But this year will be different!" you are probably saying or thinking as you read this. I truly wish you the best of luck with that. I know for myself- making a "resolution" is basically setting myself up for failure- because NOBODY holds me to higher standards than me- so when I fail- I fail HARD.

I have come to the realization that if you make a resolution you might as well throw a penny in a fountain and make a wish. It’s the same hopeful optimism that drives both activities. No "resolution" will work unless you have formulated a plan- written it down and gave yourself reasonable time to complete it.  And I repeat- why didn't you (or I) do this earlier in the year? I have needed to lose weight ALL YEAR. I have needed to quit smoking ALL YEAR. I have needed to save money and take better control of my finances ALL YEAR.  The changing of the calendar after drinking, eating and smoking to my heart's content is not magical in itself.  If only! Then  we would all be thin beautiful, rich non smokers and there would be peace on Earth yadda yadda yadda.

If I am going to try to better myself, I should be doing it year-round. It should be a constant goal, not something marked on a calendar. I know that these things need to start at some point, and what I need to do. I also know that falling on my ass and looking like a total schmuck and then beating myself up over my dismal failure  is not a good strategy.  

So despite an abysmal track record and a vast wasteland of shattered dreams, we continue to approach every New Year the same way; with the same pointless strategy. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? So that must mean that a whole bunch of us are off our nut insane because that’s exactly what we do. 

So my only "resolution" this year is going to be very vague- I resolve to do some things over the course of the year to make my life better. There.  Now I am gonna go have a cigarette, drink this bizarre concoction that my neighbor Paul just brought me, and then probably eat something fattening. Happy Freakin New Year. 

Road Trip!

As promised- here is the next installment in the "One Time In Chicago" series. But I am lazy and tired and unfocused- so the "series" may be just this one blog....

Candy Ass and I getting ready to go!

 So- the original plan was to take the train from Detroit to Chicago. Then shit happened and it turned out that my fellow Mom Who Drinks and Swears Candice  would be flying in and then renting a car and we would just drive there. Saving me some $$$ and giving us time to bond!

And bond we did- the drive from Detroit to Chicago is a little over 4 hours. Not too bad. But- Candice was buying a car- it was in Illinois and we were going to take a slight detour so she could go see and drive it. Cool- we didn't have time constraints- other than just being insanely excited to meet the rest of these  foul mouth, booze, swilling mamas.

Our detour took us off the freeway onto the surface roads- where we saw a terrible car accident, got stuck at a four way stop that apparently threw every single driver into a complete tail spin and then finally to her new car! ( which WAS a Mercedes- drove like a dream and the ass who worked at the dealership sold it out from under her...)

Night vision drunkenness!

The add in an interesting trip through Joliet Illinois- which we couldn't figure out if it was ghetto or nice- so we just settled on Ghetto Fabulous- a stop for night vision goggles and then a very round about trip to the hotel and we had ARRIVED!! 7 HOURS LATER!!! 

Meeting all of these women after having been friends online for over a year was so amazing- words seriously cannot express it. I have never hugged so many people in such a short amount of time It was HEAVEN!!

Oh Nikki you're so fine!

Then off to the rooms for cocktails- and I finally got to meet the crazybeautiful genius that started MWDAS..Mizz Nikki herself! We hugged like long lost sisters -( which is what all of these women have become to me- sisters)

The rest of the weekend is a semi blur of drinking, planking, singing, dancing, swimming and talking talking talking! I have never felt so comfortable with a group of essential strangers- and can't imagine life without them in it now.  

Outback Parking lot Plank!

Pool Table Plank!

Who the fuck are you?!?!

All of these women- together for a whole weekend- and not ONE OUNCE OF DRAMA! NONE!! That is how easy it was. It is truly inexplicable. 

So to my honey badgers- CALM THE FUCK DOWN.  We will see each other next year - count on it! 

Let's Party!

This will be short and sweet as I am taking a break from deep cleaning my filthy house for the family birthday party tomorrow.  Why do I put myself through this?

We are celebrating Tweenzilla and The Boy's birthdays with the family and some friends tomorrow.  I have been cleaning the house- the Mister has been in charge of all the outside stuff. I am exhausted, cranky and starting to feel the "I don't give a shit" attitude coming on. But sadly- I WILL give a shit and then I will be miserable because SOMETHING didn't get done.

I have already had a mini meltdown when I discovered NO DAMN WATER GUNS at the dollar store...when just last week they had boxes and boxes of them. That was my only entertainment...fill the kiddie pool with water and let the kids run around and drench each other. Now that's out and my over taxed mind has no last minute ideas. 

Thankfully I have Cori...my wonderful, beautiful friend and neighbor who has offered to help with anything I need. Borrowing her  shark mop, chairs, tables and coolers...shit- I own NOTHING...



Party trays picked up at noon. Cake to be picked up at 12:30. At some point would like to get some balloons in case we run out of helium.  Pizza is scheduled to be delivered at 1:30 and mom is most likely going to be drunk off her ass by 2:00...the party ends at 4:00. How much do you think it will scar my babies seeing their mom drunk in the middle of the afternoon...and quite possibly passed out in a chair in the shade? 

Oh hell...I was supposed to go pay for those pizzas tonight. Add that to tomorrow's list. And change drunk mom time to noon-ish....