Holding on to summer

The Boy is back at football. Teenzilla is coaching pee-wee cheerleaders. This signifies that summer is pretty much over for us.  But I am hanging on for dear life. I LOVE summer- especially when I don't have to work and can be home with my kiddos. I was just getting used to summer when I realized that it's nearly over. And it wasn't even a productive summer- a lot of hanging out, pool time and Nerf gun battles. I don't want to go back to the real world of hectic mornings, busy afternoons and flash by weekends.  I will also be embarking on the next phase of MY education- finishing my degree in Special Ed. It is definitely a big year for transitions.

When they were younger I was counting down the days until school resumed. I guess having a freshman and a 5th grader makes me keenly aware of just how fast time is going by- and these summers of hanging out with them are dwindling. If I needed any further proof- I just need to chat with The Twenty Something- the fact that he is a grown man still boggles my mind.

The bliss that most parents feel knowing that for at least 8 hours a day someone else is in charge of their kids is lost on me this year. I am only thinking of the reasons why I am desperately holding on to  summer.

1)NO MORE SLEEPING IN!! - Crazy mornings, getting everyone packed and ready- especially since I leave before the kids do, so dad is Team Leader. Rest assured- mom has gotten all of the important stuff done, lunches, library books, homework and permission slips all ready. His job, make sure they eat SOMETHING brush their teeth and get to school on time.  Simple, right? Probably, but my OCD is in overdrive, and my worry level is at DEFCON 1. The Mister does a great job, but a mom always feels she could have done better.

2)Back to school shopping- This activity fills me with dread. The Boy- he's EASY. But I have a 14 year old Teenzilla who is starting high school. The mere thought of walking around the mall being bombarded with offers to straighten my hair makes me want to hide. My Teenzilla has a very unique style- no Abercrombie or American Eagle...nope. We will be hitting Hot Topic where my ears can be assaulted with  heavy bass  DubStep and thrash metal, and trying to casually count all the piercings on the girl who is helping us. The fact that the store itself is narrow, makes me have to LITERALLY rub elbows with the unwashed masses...UGH.  And worst of all, trying to explain to my beautiful Teenzilla that our budget has been downsized (thank you car problems) seriously- where is my wine?

3)Piles of CRAP- You know, all the papers, notebooks, books, backpacks, never ending piles of CRAP that the little darlings bring home. It was mid July before I even got through LAST YEAR'S crap! Now I get to start all over. I have already received the first giant envelope full of shit to fill out for Teenzilla...My wine?

4)Extra Curricular Activities- In summer, things aren't really planned. We go somewhere if we want to, not because we have to (most of the time). Then school is back in session, and the HAVE TO BE THERE never ends. back to school night, practices, football games, rehearsals, PTA meetings, parties..it is endless. And while I am not one to over schedule my kids, there are still A LOT of things to get them to.  The gas money alone costs a fortune, especially with gas over $4 a gallon. I will be lucky to have wine money.

5)Pay for this, buy that, volunteer for something else- The amount of work I do writing checks adds up to a part time job, but not getting any money in..just sending it out. Music Boosters, PAT dues (our district is Parent and Teacher, not traditional PTA), school pictures, material fees, fundraisers. Then there is the volunteering. Class mom, car pools, field trips and on and on and on. And you are hardest hit in that first month- when cash is already tight and you are robbing Peter AND Paul to pay Tom.  Seriously, where is my wine?

6) IEP Hell- The joys of the beginning of the year IEP meeting. Finding out new and interesting ways the school is failing to comply with The Boy's current IEP, (or how they are going to try to slip bullshit past me) and the IDEA law interspersed with hyperventilated exclamations from me, especially as I am still not thrilled with how last year went.   Let’s face it, the entire process is extremely intimidating and nerve-wracking to a parent. And I am not one of those meek and mild parents. NOOOO! I am vocal and demanding- just call me PITA mom. This is my kid's education after all.  I try my hardest to work WITH the team- but damn- it feels like swimming upstream with weights on my legs.  WHERE IS MY WINE?!?

It doesn't matter how many reasons I have, time marches on, and the kids will be marching to the bus in a little under 3 weeks. Now is the time to start shooing them to bed earlier (THAT is a definite perk!)  cleaning closets, and making lists of all the essentials and trying to stretch the already stretched to the limit budget.  I have been doing this for a LONG time- you would think I would get better at it, right?

Ahhh- there is my wine. Cheers to Back to School, and the best of luck to all of us!

The art of shoe tying AKA Mom's own private Hell

Love the  concentration

The Boy will be 10 in a few weeks. And he STILL can't tie his shoes. I feel a shame akin to the sippy cup nonsense about this.  I have been working with him on this particular skill  off and on for the last 4 years.  When other more important things arose- shoe tying plummeted to the bottom of the list. I mean, in comparison to learning how to make eye contact, write (which is an ongoing battle) learning social skills, potty training (another drawn out nightmare), and then learning to ALWAYS use the bathroom, learning to dress himself, learning to feed himself, and basic educational things- shoe tying really wasn't that big of a priority. 

When he still wasn't tying his shoes by first grade, I got frustrated. I knew it was a life skill, I knew it was important, and I set my stubborn mind to it- I would MAKE him learn to do this. So I went out and bought the book the OT suggested when I brought it up to her- Red Lace Yellow Lace  and it is really neat. I would read it to him in a sing song voice until he memorized the rhymes- but refused to actually attempt to tie. I sang other fun songs when trying to teach him. I tried "bunny ears' and loop-de-loop and pull (thank you Spongebob!) but he would make halfhearted  attempts, or fixate on the rhyme or song, and then cry and run away.  I tried bribery, begging, threatening- taking a very neurotypical approach to a child who was not neurotypical. I got even more frustrated with myself, because all of the things I want OTHER people to understand about The Boy and his autism, I was losing sight of myself.  I am painfully aware of his lack of attention, his inability to focus for long periods of time, look at ME when I ask, watch what I am doing and then try to copy it. I was EXPECTING a typical kid response (having already been through this with 2 other typical kids) so it really came as no surprise when it finally dawned on me that these tactics WERE NOT GOING TO WORK WITH MY AUTISTIC KID! Duh mom....    


While it may seem like a simple task, tying your shoes is made up of lots of smaller tasks.And when teaching a child on the spectrum just about anything, you need to break it down into smaller chunks and perfect each stage before moving on to the next. Sounds daunting doesn't it? It is. This is how I taught him to talk, feed himself, dress himself (he still refuses to button pants- he puts them on buttoned) and everything else. So take the act of tying shoes, already a series of smaller tasks, and then have to break it down even further. It is seriously reinventing the wheel.  Did I mention that I am an impatient person?  And, well, Velcro is faster, period.  But the time is rapidly approaching where we won't be able to find Velcro shoes, and then he stands the chance of teasing because of it as well.  

This summer I promised MYSELF that I would teach him how to tie his shoes. This has gone on long enough, and he wants to play football again, and I don't want any issues with other kids when they see he can't tie his own shoes. He can't be out on the field and run to a coach or to his dad or I to help him. This is truly a life skill that he MUST learn- come hell or high water.  I know more, I have YouTube videos to watch, I have studied forward and backward chaining, I have a system that allows him to earn "screen time" when he practices tying his shoes and I have my determination. 


Today we had out first success- after 3 days of him fighting me and willing to not get that extra 20 minutes of screen time, I set an alarm and told him that as soon as it went off he was going to practice shoe tying with me for 10 minutes. He whined a little, but as soon as that alarm went off- he came and got me and said "Alright, let's work on this shoe tying thing"  I think all my harping finally got to him, he sounded resigned, but I was THRILLED! In 10 minutes he managed to get the first step down- using forward chaining*. Now come the loops, and pushing it through- *sigh* This is where the lack of fine motor skills really slowed him down. His hands were all over the place, and he tied his thumb and finger into the lace.  I could feel he was about to chuck the shoe and throw a fit- when he DID IT. It was sloppy and loose...but he tied his own shoe!   A giant bear hug and big kiss had him giggling and running away, and then of course asking if he got his extra screen time- but he did it!!

I made it through what felt like an hour long 10 minutes without raising my voice, getting mad or anything! I am going to go and treat myself to a congratulatory glass of wine!






*I have not used ABA very often with The Boy-I really feel like "shaping" is like dog training and my kid isn't a dog-  but these particular steps not only helped him, but helped me to teach him. Today was our first success in 4 years- and we will take it! 

1. Forward Chaining – begin with the first step of the task. Then teach sequential steps until they can perform all steps. This is a good method for children who have difficulty with sequencing and

generalizing skills.

2. Backward Chaining – demonstrate the entire task first. Repeat it, leaving out the last step for the child to complete. This method works well for children with low frustration tolerance or poor self esteem. It also gives the child early success.

Happy Not Mother's...I mean Father's Day!

This weekend is Father's Day- and like many dutiful wives- I plan on letting my husband sleep in, will cook his favorite dinner and keep the kiddos as quiet as possible (I'm thinking movie day for us). What I will not do? Mow the lawn for him- since the ONE time I did he complained I did it "wrong" so he gets that honor all to himself.

 I NEVER know what to get him- usually his wishes are beyond our financial capabilities. I ALWAYS ask for peace and quiet, to be taken out to breakfast and to not have to cook or clean. If I get some actual gifts- well that is a bonus!

He doesn't do the "traditional" dad things- golfing, fishing, etc. so there goes my idea for cheap greens fees or an all inclusive fishing expedition from Groupon. I REALLY want to get him a new grill- even though he protests and says he doesn't need one (I beg to differ).  He has said something about a tow package for his Jeep- but I am severely impaired when it comes to his Jeep- and after looking online I have NO CLUE as to which one he would need...

I wish

Cool, huh?

What he did ask for was a bonfire on Saturday night with "The Boys"- complete with too much booze, long involved conversations about The Avengers, Star Wars and when he is going to make another movie. I am all for it- but don't necessarily look forward to nursing his hangover on Father's Day- but if that is what he wants, well, who am I to protest?

He was very good to me on Mother's Day- I got several things I had asked for but didn't expect to get. Now granted- we had tax return money then, and now we are really tightening the budget with me not working this summer- but I really want to get him something. I LOVE to give presents (he will say I love to spend money which isn't true...anymore!) and I love to see the look on my sweeties face when I get him something totally awesome and not expected.

Always a winner

So what's it gonna be? Crazy sex? Favorite dessert? (can be combined with crazy sex- so it's a two-fer!)  A pony? Beer of the month subscription?  A Stormtrooper helmet with voice changer?      I'm stumped. Pretty shameful after 15 years of marriage. *Le Sigh*

If I want to be TOTALLY unexpected

He said - She said ( but she was right!)

Today I will feature  my first guest blogger- the one and only, Dad v Autism. OK, OK....I am pretty partial to him- I do sleep with him every night ( and I do mean SLEEP- just ask him!) but he truly is an amazing writer, a terrific, hands on dad and an amazing person.  Enjoy!

Dad v. The Differences

I am very honored that my wife, the Cheerleader, has asked me to write something for her blog.  She is much smarter than me and looks a thousand times better in a bathing suit than I ever will.  She is an incredible advocate for Noah and she’s an awesome mom in general…and I happen to be pretty attracted to her too.

And, don’t tell her I said this, but as much as people think I’m kind of a smart guy…she’s smarter than I am.  She won’t admit it…but that’s just another aspect of why she’s smarter than me.

I’m not a good mom…and it’s not just plumbing differences.  It’s all about the differences in attitudes that we have.  It’s about the differences of what I see and what she sees.  I think it’s a fundamental difference between a large percentage of men and women.

She thinks about the children.  I think about the family. It sounds the same, but it is fundamentally different. 

The difference is in big picture vs the reality of the now.  It’s about dealing with the individuals in our family vs the family unit as a whole.  It’s long term vs short term too.  She worries about the children’s needs as individuals more than I do.  I worry about the needs of the family moving forward more than she does.  She is more empathic and I am more analytical.

The children run to her when they are hurt or upset, because she is more comforting, more understanding…most of the time they are running to her because of something I said…

I can look at a set of numbers and plan out the next twenty years of our life…she can look at those same numbers and ask, “But what about food?  Do you plan on having Christmas this year?”

Sometimes I think her views are short sighted.  She thinks my views are impractical because they do not deal adequately with the problems of today.

There are pros and cons to both of our views and neither view is more valid or important than the other.  In point of fact, both views are complimentary to each other.  They fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.

In respect to money, we have tried my way and it has turned out to be an abject failure.  When we tried it her way, things weren’t a whole lot better.

Now we need to try it OUR way.  We need to collaborate with each other.  We need to compliment each other’s strengths and hide our weaknesses.  We need extol each other’s accomplishments and achievements and we need to comfort each other when we make mistakes.

I know we can do this.  Why?  Because we’ve raised our kids and we’re proud of them…and money doesn’t talk back nearly as much as they do.

Debt is a plague in this country.  It is a soul devouring juggernaut that the media pushes on the public with unrelenting zeal.  We are constantly told that we NEED a new car, 90 days is the same as cash, and the world can be yours with zero money down.

The truth is you don’t NEED the new car, 90 days is NOT the same as cash and the only thing zero down gets you is a world of debt, pain and suffering.

The Cheerleader and I are going to get out of this together.  We are going to compliment each other’s strengths and cover for each other’s weaknesses.  We are a team through thick and thin and, the way things have been going lately, even more thin…hopefully someday soon we can get back to the “thick.”

And you can too.  How do I know this?  Because most of my readers are parents just like the Cheerleader and I and there’s nothing in the world that brings them more pride than their children.  Why?  Because we’ve done a damn good job raising them and they are so much more trouble than money…

I thought I would look better in her costume- glad I went with the Doctor

So good luck to you…and if you’ve got a sec, wish us good luck too.

Tackle Football and Autism

Lucky # 50

So we did it- the hubby and I have Noah signed up for football.  The  mister has been looking forward to this day since it was made painfully clear that the oldest  boy was most emphatically NOT a sports oriented kid.  Having watched my girl in cheer and coaching cheer myself- I have got to see a lot of the little league games and I have been getting pretty excited to see my boy out on the field.

Of course I am cautiously excited- practices are brutal and Noah isn't known for his patience.There is A LOT of running, and sometimes they get yelled at. It's par for the course. We are doing our best to prepare him for this- and will be on hand at practices to help with any issues that might come up.

This will be our second attempt at a team sport- the first was soccer 3 years ago and that was a disaster. He didn't understand why he couldn't have the ball all of the time, complained that his feet were too hot and had at least  1 meltdown where I  had to carry him off the field.  That was not fun.

So we decided that he was too young  for an organized sport at the time. We then signed him up for Tae Kwon Do- a physical activity that also provided opportunity for developing social skills, plus it teaches discipline and patience. He was very successful, but his coordination was still not the best and as it got harder he got more frustrated. Cub Scouts began and that interfered with Tae Kwon Do so we took a break. He had earned his Blue stripe and we planned on returning. That is until it came time for football sign ups.

When the idea of football comes to mind, many parents cringe at the idea of their kids being out on the field playing what’s viewed as such a dangerous sport. Possible injuries to  already sensitive kids are scary challenges parents of autistic kids are faced with. Organized sports, especially contact sports are something most parents of autistic kids would rather just not do. But, just as any sport is beneficial to those without neurological disabilities, they can be just as beneficial as those living with them. The trick is finding the right "fit" I believe. Noah will be starting on a team with boys that are all first year freshmen players, with a great coach. Everybody  knows him, and knows about his autism and there is a level of excitement that makes me feel a little less worried.

As with any sports activity, football is very physical, and while there is a possibility for injury the kids are padded up, put through intense conditioning and have experienced coaches to help them to avoid injuries. That's not to say the first time my kid is in the middle of a pile of other kids I won't be freaking out.

Football has also been proven to be a healthy way of improving motor functioning, behavior skills, and social skills in kids with autism. Some aspects of football may pose a challenge for many such as coordination, socialization, or lack of motivation. But with good coaching and clinics that are offered, most kids should be able to participate and experience success.

So wish my boy luck. Conditioning begins in a few weeks- and in the mean time I am sure dad will be playing with him in the yard.

FIRE UP BIG RED!

GIYRA

Where have you been all this time?

So my husband has started blogging about something other than sports. His blog  http://dadvautism.blogspot.com/ is his take on our son and his Autism, and general every day life.His Yin to my Yang if you will.  He is an amazing writer and has published several books (go buy one!)  Until very recently he has been mostly shoulder to cry on and a supportive husband and dad in our journey with Noah and Autism. I am the researcher, I am the activist, I get out there and find answers and network with people and then relay the info to him. 

But in the last couple of weeks he has been voicing a lot of opinions and some very deep insights about our son that leaves me wondering- where has all of this been for the last 5 years? He is the"fixer" in the family. He goes out of his way to make problems go away. He doesn't like to see us sad, or unhappy and so he adopts a let's move forward attitude and that is what he does. Moves forward. Sometimes I move with him- but lots of times- most especially with our boy- I am stuck. Or- if not stuck- moving forward scant inches at a time, only to be yanked backwards a thousand yards. Don't get me wrong, Noah has made amazing progress since first being diagnosed with Autism. A lot of the problems we had just a couple of years ago have all but disappeared, but we are always facing new challenges.

I can't understand from a dad's point of view what it is like to hear your SON is not going to be the son you had thought you would have. Especially with a sports nut  like my husband- his dreams of having his boys play baseball or football are getting crushed. The oldest had absolutely no interest and if it is not an electronically generated past time Noah pretty much doesn't want anything to do with it. But he keeps his positive attitude and sits quietly by letting me do my thing, encouraging me but staying on the fringes.

Then all of a sudden- BAM! He starts writing this blog and I am stunned, even brought to tears by his words. Has he felt this way all along? Is this a new development? Why hasn't he talked about this before with me? All of the times I rambled on and on about this treatment, that school, trying to explain to him why you HAVE to teach Noah this or that way because that is how he learns, why in the hell didn't he pipe up with some of these amazing insights? He sees things in Noah that I don't. His positive spin amazes me, because I am positive but in a very guarded way because I don't want to feel disappointed in our boy's progress and abilities- and I DO NOT  want our boy thinking he is not good enough. Because he is BETTER than good enough. He is sublimely awesome. 

But he has given me a lot to think about, and a lot to look for in Noah. Maybe I shelter him too much, maybe I do too much for him, maybe I am not allowing him to reach potential milestones because I am afraid he will stumble or fall and no mother wants to see that happen to their child, Autistic or not.

So now, with all of my contacts in the Autistic community, all of my research and all of my education, the one person who is the closest to me is finally piping up. We have differing views of course on the future with Noah- like I said I am cautiously optimistic while he is Pollyanna optimistic but working together like this will be the absolute greatest thing in the world for Noah, and that is what matters.

http://www.amazon.com/D-P-Barnsdale/e/B002MA3V7K