You say Bitch like it's a bad thing

We have all been there. Parents, feeling like our child has been slighted in some way by a teacher, family member, another child, another parent, come to their defense in the blink of an eye, ready to fight the world in defense of our progeny. It's natural, like breathing. Now- take the mom of a special needs child- spin the wheel and pick any special need you want- I will be focusing on Autism, but it is the same for all. Multiply that hair trigger defense mechanism by...oh let's be conservative and say A MILLION.

Autism mom's are heavyweight champions when it comes to fighting for our kids. We have had to fight with  school psychologists who think they know more about your kid than you do, or disagree with TWO different neurologists diagnoses. We have had to fight with insurance companies to help pay the astronomical medical bills brought on by Autism. We have had to fight for therapies. We have had to fight with poorly trained (at times) school staff who insist on treating our kids as if they are ONLY one big behavioral problem and refuse to be flexible at all. We have had to fight with our MET (Multidisciplinary Evaluation Team) about IEP goals, supports in the classroom and making sure our kids are getting a good education in a safe environment. We have had to fight with ignorant assholes who say stupid things around and or about our kids- and not in an innocent 'I just didn't know" way. Serious jerks who feel it is their  place to tell you that you are not disciplining enough, you should just spank them, could you please keep them quiet, what is wrong with your child?
Then there is the fighting WITH our kids. Fighting to get them to eat ANYTHING beyond the 4 foods they only let cross their lips. Fighting with them to sleep, get dressed, take a bath/shower, do homework, get away from the TV, not run into traffic. It goes on and on and on.

People that know me are always praising me as a parent, they admire my determination, my drive, my constant and loud advocating for my son, my great attitude and how I am so happy in the face of everything that sucks. "Courage under fire" was something someone said to me once- and I almost burst out laughing, not because of the compliment (which it definitely was) but for the fact that I can put on an amazing front, and pull off an Academy Award winning performance on pretty much a daily basis!

It's true- you wouldn't like me very much at all

I carry around A LOT of suppressed anger. Anger at fate for dealing me this hand. Anger that my kid at 9 almost 10 cannot do the things other kids his age are doing. Simple things, like run around at the local carnival with his friends, checking in for cash once in awhile with me.  Anger at myself for wishing he could be "normal" sometimes. Anger at other kids when I see them looking at him and snickering while he expounds about dinosaurs or Star Wars. Anger at other parents who have no idea how lucky they are they don't have to deal with some of the shit I have to- and RAGE at looks of pity.  (I have 2 other neurotypical kids- so I know EXACTLY what is different in raising The Boy) And anger at teachers who can't be bothered- who only include him in general education special projects because they HAVE to, and for not teaching compassion, acceptance and tolerance as every day core values across the curriculum.


To make a long story somewhat shorter- when The Boy moved back to school where we live after 3.5 years at an amazing school, with amazing teachers we had an idea of what to expect. But it has been so much worse than what we even tried to prepare ourselves for. The lack of communication, the refusal to even TRY to keep him mainstreamed, his misery, the lack of expectations FOR him, the ostracizing of him as well as a class of special needs students- who only participate in "specials" and science and social studies- well- let's just say that my Bitch Meter has been in the red most of this school year. And believe me, I am POSITIVE that I am discussed and referred to as "a bitch" and you know what? GOOD!! When you have had to fight as much as I have just to get your kid the acceptance and education he is entitled to over the last almost 10 years,(the last nine months being the worst since kindergarten) then you might be a bitch too! And the sad thing is- fighting for your kid- no matter how calm, educated and respectful you are brands you as A Bitch.  They haven't even come close to seeing just how much of a bitch I can be. I have ranted and raved and cried at home, calling the MET every dirty name in the book, but at the meetings have been in control, and presenting my side in an articulate and educated way, all the while wanting to stand up and yell and tell them what stupid assholes they are. But I don't- it would be counterproductive.
It is fucking HARD to hold it all in there. With all the resentment and anger just below my cool smile- you would think that having to deal with bullshit would be the straw that  breaks the camel's back.  But- the storm always comes later- and unfortunately it is my wonderful husband who has to bear the worst of it.


So is it really any wonder that what seems like something so small can get my hackles up in such a big way? Something like....getting an email from the Special ed. teacher saying the the general ed. teacher wants me to bring in...oh, let's say crackers for a grade wide presentation at school.  And when asked why the gen ed teacher didn't just ask me herself either by phone or email, or BY SEEING ME AT THE SCHOOL EVERY DAMN DAY, she doesn't have an answer. Well of course she doesn't! She is being used as a middle man, plain and simple. Once again, the glaring fact that The Boy is not considered part if the school community slaps me in the face. How else would I see it?  He is being "allowed" to participate in this presentation, and oh, let's throw mom a bone and maybe she can bring something so she feels that her kid is truly included.  Over crackers and a simple email, yes I have lost my tenuous grip on my anger. Petty, stupid, immature- call it what you will. But when I see how the other teachers, students and parents look at my son, the way they ignore me when it comes to class projects, or worse, treat me (and him) as an afterthought, using stupid excuses like "I had the wrong email address" - well, this is THE.LAST.STRAW. 

If you want me to provide something for class, a presentation, whatever, ASK ME YOUR DAMN SELF. The Boy is a part of YOUR class too- he is not just a "special ed student". I NEVER once had this problem in the other school, the gen ed 3rd grade teacher ALWAYS emailed, called or sent a note home if she needed me to do anything. I am at the school every freakin day...I am not hard to get in touch with.

If  fighting for your kids, doing what you have to do to ensure they are healthy, getting a decent education, and happy makes one a bitch- then give me my Bitch Badge and I will wear it proudly.  But if/when the day comes that I really unleash my inner bitch on you- don't say I didn't warn you.

It really is the little things in life

When you have a child with autism, you learn just how many things you take for granted. Especially if you have other children that aren't autistic. You learn it  really is beyond impossible to compare your Autie kiddo to anyone else. I have learned a lot of hard lessons since The Boy was diagnosed 6 years ago. He is 9 years old, and should  be getting loads of birthday party invites, riding his bike up to get a Slushee, having sleepovers, you know- all the things that are part and parcel of being 9.

But we don't get birthday party invites, he is only allowed to ride his bike to the end of the street and back without one of us, has not been invited to a sleepover, not that I know if I would let him go. He has friends, other kids do ok with him, but these are just parts of life he has yet to experience, and may never get to.

But, as easy as it is to let myself get disappointed with the things others associate with "normal" life, I can't let it rule our lives. Yes, occasionally I wallow, and throw myself a pity party, but I get past it, move on and revel in the beautiful soul that The Boy is. I choose to focus on his huge achievements, his wonderful smile and silly sense of humor.

Today was one of those days that I felt truly blessed, and experienced a moment of pure happiness.  At school the kids earn yellow "tickets" for exemplary behavior and helping others. They can put these tickets into a drawing for a prize at the end of the week, into a drawing to be Star Student and read the Pledge of Allegiance and the school pledge over the loudspeaker for the whole school, or save them to buy things at the student store.

Twice now, The Boy has put his ticket into the drawing to do the pledge, and today was the second time he got to do it. The first time I didn't even know about it until the next day- he forgot to tell me. I heard from teachers and the principal what a wonderful job he did.  Yesterday, I happened to see the Star Student List and his name was on it to do the pledge today! I asked him about it, and he was very laid back about it- "Yeah, I'm gonna do the pledge again mom"

So I stayed at the school today just so I could hear him. He has this speech issue- he is very "breathy" when he talks, and is sometimes hard to understand as he takes a lot of breaths between words, and sometimes between syllables.  But he did not have one "stutter" one stumble or one mistake today. He read in a clear , steady voice and sounded amazing. I sat in the cafeteria and I cried pure, happy tears.  Just a few years ago, he wasn't even speaking, hell just a few months ago he would never have even tried to earn one of the yellow tickets.

A parent that doesn't deal with autism, or any other special need for that matter, would have probably thought I was ridiculous. These are  the little things that keep us from curling up in the fetal position and living in a constant state of depression. Little things that parents of neurotypical kids may take for granted This one little thing, just a day in the life of 4th grader, was a HUGE deal in my life.  And the pride that HE will feel from a job well done- well that is priceless.

And it is these little things we remember and celebrate.

Inclusion or Seclusion? What are we teaching our kids about Special Education?

I was having a conversation with the boys in the after school program I run yesterday. We were talking about random stuff,  zombies, food, basketball- all things 9-11 year old boys like to talk about.  The conversation turned to a boy in the special ed. class, who  had a major meltdown at school- screaming for almost an hour-  and then to the rest of the class in general.

They turned to me and asked this question:

"Ms. Dawn- why do some of the kids in Mrs. B's class even come to school? They don't even know

what is going on- are they even learning anything?"

First - I am thrilled that they are comfortable enough with me to ask this, second- this was not said in a cruel or mean way- it was a serious question.  I asked them what made them think this? And they said- not all of the kids- just some of them,(there are a couple of lower functioning kids- little to no speech, etc) couldn't learn anything so why were they at school. 

I pondered their question for a minute- thinking of the best way to answer them. As I said- they weren't being mean, but they truly felt this way and needed an honest answer.  

"Since I don't teach the kids on a regular basis- I can't say what they do or do not learn, but I can say that everyone learns, just maybe at a different pace, and maybe not the exact thing you might be learning."

They were quiet for a second, and then they said, OK Ms Dawn! Can we have snack now?  So did what I say make sense? Did they internalize it to ask their parents about later? Did they care at all? I have to think they did care- or they wouldn't have asked in the first place. I kept my answer short and sweet- when dealing with 9-11 year old boys- anything longer or more detailed would have been completely tuned out. 

My heart was heavy though, this is what they see, what is modeled for them, what they base their perceptions on.  Kids learn what they see, and being that the special ed class at The Boy's school is completely self contained- the rest of the student population doesn't have much of a chance to deal with them, get to know them, develop any kind of tolerance or sensitivity towards them.  They are not considered a part of the general education population, despite the teacher's amazing enthusiasm and effort to make the class less stigmatized. But since the students attend maybe 2 gen. ed. classes, and specials like art, music, gym and computers, they are truly not an integral part of the school community. The other kids will say things like "So and so was in MY class for science today"- lending credence to my theory that the special needs kids- even the higher functioning kids- are not considered part of the school "family".  It makes me sad. 

My thoughts on how to remedy this? The teachers need to be collaborating more!  Inclusion is a tricky thing, but it seems to be the way education is going.  There needs to be MORE EDUCATION FOR THE EDUCATORS!  They need more professional development days that deal strictly with inclusion, and how to teach the student population how to react to and treat these kids. Whether it is an invisible special need, like autism, or a something the kids can SEE, like Down's.  Sure there are still going to be bullying issues- it's not a perfect world we live in, but this could go a long way towards making bullying a rare occurrence as opposed to an every day thing.

The  fact is, mainstream schools are expected to smilingly and graciously accept any child sent their way, no matter what their need. Even if everyone involved can see that it isn't necessarily best for anyone. If extra money and support was readily available, and this was done as a positive move for both the abled and disabled communities to have more interaction I would probably feel better about it. But as it stands, it is a political move forced upon already cash strapped schools with an awkward, unorganized and red taped process that leaves parents,teachers and administrators feeling frustrated. 

I just hope that at some point the value that these kids add to their school is universally accepted. Perhaps that's when real inclusion begins?

How will a $3,000 scholarship for education make a difference in my life?

If you read my blog you know I have been trying to finish my Special Education degree for a number of years now.  Work, kids, life and autism have always managed to get in my way. That and MONEY!! That's what it really all boils down to- the all mighty dollar!!!  And like most people- I never have any extra- and if by some crazy miracle I do- it most likely goes on my kids' backs, and wouldn't be enough to even buy a textbook. (Did you know you can RENT those now??)


3 years ago, I got a scholarship. It would allow me to take at least two classes a semester for a year. I unfortunately- in my giddy excitement ( I ADORE being a student) I didn't read that it was for Winter, Fall, Winter, Fall. No Spring/Summer. So- I took a spring/summer class, only to be very upset when I realized my mistake. I contacted the college and asked if there was ANY way I could substitute that Spring/Summer semester for the last Winter one. No. I couldn't. I still don't understand why- probably a punishment for being an idiot.

So- now I am into the college for almost 2K and it is the LAST bill I think to pay- what with keeping my lights on, food in the house and my mortgage paid- that seems like small potatoes. But I am desperately unhappy in my current job. I LOVE what I do- but I want my own class! I want to be helping kids just like The Boy- I want to be making a difference doing what I LOVE. So now the scholarship hunt begins.
(Don't even ask about FAFSA- been down that road- DENIED)

With a gazillion sites out there Broke Scholar,Scholarships.com,Education Connection,  and of course offerings from my university of choice (Wayne State- go Warriors!), each promising thousands of dollars to get an education, it's not HARD to apply. It just takes hours, days, weeks of sifting through, writing essays, (hence the title of this blog) and meeting deadlines.

I have applied for and wrote several  "short answer" essays- and when I read them I think- why WOULDN'T someone give me this scholarship? And then I remember- ohhhhh....because I am competing with all of the millions of 18-20 year old's just beginning their college careers, the millions of people retraining for a new career after losing their jobs in our shitty economy. But then- I try to look at the bright side- I want to be a SPECIAL EDUCATION TEACHER!! With an Autistic Spectrum Disorder endorsement. I know that so many schools need GOOD special ed teachers, I know I could find a job- especially with the endorsement.  So dammit- give me some MONEY!!

Then my neighbor asks me- do you ever wonder if it is worth it to finish your degree at this age- when someone 15 -20 years younger than me might be considered first. And I said NO- of course not! Because along with an education from a school of higher learning, I have many years of PRACTICAL experience that put me way ahead of some fresh faced young thing- that has no idea that walking into a special needs environment  means kids that don't speak, kids who can't control their bodies, kids who have violent outbursts, kids who need to have diapers changed, kids on the spectrum, kids with ADHD, kids that hit, kick, spit and cry.  Parents who look to you for guidance, support and help. Cuts in funding for already struggling programs, Grant writing (aka begging for money) and making do with what you have. A physical, and mentally challenging career that takes a special person to do, and do well.

You may ask- WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS? Simple- because I love kids- all shapes, sizes and colors. And since beginning this journey with Autism- I have had an opportunity to meet so many different kids, with different issues, and they need someone like ME! I am vocal, I am tireless when it comes to advocating. I believe EVERY child can learn. What they NEED to learn and WHEN they need it.

This is why I need a paltry $3000. This is how a scholarship would make a difference in my life- so I could FINALLY  start to finish my education and  make a difference in  so many other's lives. So what if I am  starting at 40 years old? I have A LOT to give, A LOT of years to go.

So c'mon- show me the $$$$.  Pretty please??

Son...you have autism.

I have a confession to make. My son was diagnosed with Autism at 3.5 years old. He is now 8 years old and I have yet to tell him about his "condition". We told his brother and sister right away. It gave them a sense of understanding that he was different.  Now they had a reason why he was as he was. The word Autism itself helped them adjust to who he had always been and who he would become.

  He sees a neurologist, which we just call going to the doctor, he takes meds for extreme ADHD and meds to sleep at night. He is in an autistic class and has been since mid kindergarten. His dad says that he knows he's different. That very may well be, but I have never put a name to it- not for him anyway. And dammit- I want to be able to tell him he's not so different- even though his diagnosis means he IS!  

I don't even know where I would begin- what is appropriate to say and not to say and how much could he understand anyway? He is only 8 years old after all. I don't want to make him feel self conscious about some of his behaviors, but I also want him to embrace the things that make him shine- without feeling like it's negative, or not looked upon favorably by "normal" people.

I watch the show Parenthood- fantastic show- amazing writing- and a very well done take on a family dealing with Asperger's Syndrome. Now my son is diagnosed High Functioning Autism (HFA) which only differs from Aspergers in that he did not have normal speech development.  They are dealing with telling their son about his Aspergers.  Very emotional show for me, as I can see what fictional characters do, and I can comment on what I thought they were doing right/wrong. And it really got my mind working- how will I tell my son? When will I tell my son? How will he react? Will I cry? Will my husband cry? There are so many questions I just want to put it on the shelf for now and wait it out.

I then come to another bump in the road-  the school he is in has autistic classes. The students in the entire school are aware and very accepting of the autistic students. Our goal is to have him return to school where we live next year. The student population here is not taught to be as accepting. I am worried that some of the teachers might not be either.  So now I really have to think about talking to him so he is prepared for what he might experience. 

He is a bright kid- I do agree with my husband that he knows he is "different"  than other kids his age. I also know he is his own worst critic (aren't we all!) but the Autism seems to amplify those feelings of inadequacy and fear of failing  to the point of near meltdown. This is one of the biggest negative things to have to deal with. If you have ever witnessed a full blown autistic meltdown then you know what I am saying.  If you haven't...well...I really can't describe it for you. Think a "normal" child's tantrum and then multiply that by 1000.

I am not ashamed of my son's autism- but I can say I wish he wasn't autistic. The diagnosis of autism is traumatizing for a parent- and when I do end up telling him I want to AVOID traumatizing him. But I need to be able to be objective and I don't see how I can- this is MY kid.  I want him to know all the strengths he has- being able to name nearly every dinosaur and tell me what period they lived in.  Knowing all gazillion Pokemon and their respective powers. These are amazing memory skills that not everyone possesses.  But then there is the flip-side of the diagnosis. There are negatives- and while I don't want to dwell on them he still needs to know. The  meltdowns, inability to focus and get school work done,  trouble with organization, and  inability to block out noise.  His lack of social skills in starting and maintaining and then ending a conversation. These unfortunately are the darkness to the light and completely unavoidable.

The day is fast approaching when the conversation will have to be had, I have a lot of food for thought- books to look into as well as parents of other kids on the spectrum to help guide me through.  My biggest goal- to make sure he knows that yes, he is different- but he was made that way for a reason- and to accept and embrace his differences will make it easier on others around him to accept and embrace his differences as well.

http://www.amazon.com/Different-Like-Me-Autism-Heroes/dp/1843108151/ref=pd_sim_b_4