The Christmas Letter:Celebrate the holidays with lies!

It's that time of the year when you open your mailbox and get the dreaded "Christmas Letter". It may be from family, or friends, but either way, it is just an annoying litany of trumped up achievements and makes  you look at your own family and close your eyes and pretend that they were just half as perfect as the family outlined in this letter.  Then you remember that you actually live in the real world and your beautiful, perfectly imperfect family is amazing and you wouldn't trade them for anything.   And then you polish off your bottle of wine and yell at everyone to come eat dinner. 

People I Want to Punch in the Throat,  and her blog post,  Humble Brag Christmas Letters got me all excited to write my very own Christmas Letter. Of course, I decided this would be a complete work of fiction and I smiled as I typed away and imagined the looks on some of the more conservative members of my family as they read it.

Cheers! 

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

You will all be happy to know I am FINALLY off parole!! I also got this fancy new computer, completely legal and everything! Of course the mister is still in jail- but his next hearing is set for the 23rd  so..fingers crossed!  

The oldest got her license to grow medical marijuana last month. Grandma couldn't be happier- being recently self-diagnosed with glaucoma and all. 

I was especially proud of the 4 year old's performance in the preschool talent show! He did a humorous interpretation of Sweeney Todd that had the other parents SPEECHLESS! He definitely outdid the rest of the class, what with their Justin Bieber interpretations and Taylor Swift karaoke. I mean, these aren't even age appropriate. am I right?
My dear middle child met a wonderful young man during her court mandated community service. Best thing about this one? All of his tattoos are spelled correctly! I know 15 is kind of young, but I think this might be true love, and anticipate planning a wedding within  the next year. Here's hoping anyway!

Now that I have that pesky ankle tracker removed, I am able to work outside of the trailer - which is so nice. Being a Family Protection Consultant was nice, but selling insurance by phone really gets boring. I have replied to an ad on Craigs List to be a "Exotic Dancer Handler". I will basically be the "House mom" for the girls at The Landing Strip, a Gentleman's Club out by the airport.  I am very excited to start, it will be like reliving my younger days at the Toy Box in Canada. 

The spirit of Christmas is family, is it not? And the spirits for Christmas are usually wine and vodka!   I know we are lucky to have this humble trailer  and not to be on the street, especially considering the homeless murders that have happened in the neighborhood. Please enjoy the brownies I sent- FYI- the oldest made them using her own special recipe and  they have a "kick" so give them to the kids right before bed- works wonders for the 4 year old!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! 

I'm a bad blogger. Wanna spank me?

I'm Back!!!

Hey- it's me! I haven't been around in awhile- so if you have forgotten who I am- I totally understand.  Just a refresher- I am the wino mom that has the son with autism, and an epic potty mouth- ringing any bells? I am sure it will all come back to you. So I am going to cheat- and catch you up with a photo montage. Sorry- you will have to hum some inspirational/funny/metal anthem in your head for this!

Teenzilla went to her first Roller Derby

We won!!

The Mister wouldn't stop taking my picture

Teenzilla dyed her hair

First day of school

I got Jammie Dodgers all the way from The UK!!

One of several bonfires

Teenzilla and I just doing nothing

The Mister looking annoyed at football practice

Teenzilla and her co- cheer coach

Me sitting at the bonfire

Picture Day!

My birthday!

The Misfit offense

The Twenty something doing art

Parent Day!

My super handsome hubby

Made "Scammy" Dodgers for return of Doctor Who

More football!

The brownies were totally cool

Pretending that they like each other

Baking cookies (pre pink hair)

Putting The Boy on the bus for the first day of school!

Bad spelling

New magenta (no, NOT pink) hair

The Boy's First game!

Fish fingers and custard for Doctor Who

A very small sampling of our lives since I so rudely up and left you!  Not in any particular order either- my apologies. Yeah, maybe it's cheating- but as they say a picture is worth a thousand words! And be honest, would you really read 29,000 words??