Saturday, July 30, 2011

Let's Party!

This will be short and sweet as I am taking a break from deep cleaning my filthy house for the family birthday party tomorrow.  Why do I put myself through this?

We are celebrating Tweenzilla and The Boy's birthdays with the family and some friends tomorrow.  I have been cleaning the house- the Mister has been in charge of all the outside stuff. I am exhausted, cranky and starting to feel the "I don't give a shit" attitude coming on. But sadly- I WILL give a shit and then I will be miserable because SOMETHING didn't get done.

I have already had a mini meltdown when I discovered NO DAMN WATER GUNS at the dollar store...when just last week they had boxes and boxes of them. That was my only entertainment...fill the kiddie pool with water and let the kids run around and drench each other. Now that's out and my over taxed mind has no last minute ideas. 

Thankfully I have wonderful, beautiful friend and neighbor who has offered to help with anything I need. Borrowing her  shark mop, chairs, tables and coolers...shit- I own NOTHING...

Party trays picked up at noon. Cake to be picked up at 12:30. At some point would like to get some balloons in case we run out of helium.  Pizza is scheduled to be delivered at 1:30 and mom is most likely going to be drunk off her ass by 2:00...the party ends at 4:00. How much do you think it will scar my babies seeing their mom drunk in the middle of the afternoon...and quite possibly passed out in a chair in the shade? 

Oh hell...I was supposed to go pay for those pizzas tonight. Add that to tomorrow's list. And change drunk mom time to noon-ish....

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Open letter to my oldest son

Dear Son,

When you were born I made a promise to love you, keep you safe and raise you to be a smart, decent, responsible human being. No small promise as I was just 17 years old. But I was determined to show everyone I could do this- and without a "baby daddy" - who by the way has NEVER shown any kind of interest in your life. Fucking loser.

You and I have been through A LOT together. I hope that you don't even  remember some of it- I have done my best to block a lot of it out.  But we survived- and at one point it was just you and I. Sure Nana and Papa loved us and helped- but it was you and me...everybody else be damned.

I gave  up a lot to be your mom. And I have no regrets.  And it is with great sadness that I write this to you now.  Although I know I am not perfect- and I made my share of mistakes while raising you- I DID NOT raise you to be the selfish, self destructive, hurtful, manipulative  person you are today.

I have defended you through all your troubles in school. I have shelled out so much money- money I did not have to make sure you graduated. I gave 110%  of myself- quitting a job, fighting with my husband, subjecting your autistic brother and impressionable sister to the knock down drag out fights we had- the police being called on many occasions.

You stole my brand new car and totaled it- I still was at your side in court. You got a felony larceny charge for randomly breaking into a car- I was there. Again- shelling out money I didn't have- for YOU.

I cried and lost sleep when you went to jail. I worried about you hourly and I hoped that this was going to change you. I hoped you had faced your demons, accepted your shortcomings and were ready to move on with your life. I truly thought you were ready to grow up when you got out. I was ready and more than willing to help. But now, as I watch you spiral out of control- unwilling to change what needs to be changed- face the fact you have a drinking problem - and allow people to HELP you I realize that your rock bottom is yet to come. And that breaks my heart.

You call me filthy names, you tell me to Fuck off on a regular basis- yet still I let you live in MY house, rent free. You are DESTROYING our chance at a wonderful mother/son relationship. I am starting to cringe  when I hear you walk in the door. I hate that I don't even like my own kid very much anymore.

I have finally reached the end of my rope. When I got the 3 A.M. phone call from jail AGAIN- that was the beginning of the end. It is time you learned how \to be an adult. It is time you stopped shitting all over your family- the people who do everything for you. The people you verbally smack down every time you don't like what they say. 

You have 2 choices now. Either man up and join the service- preferably the Navy- or get the hell out of my house.  I am done, done so damn done. You have told me to fuck off for the last time. You need direction- you need to dry out- you need discipline- you need structure. And right now- the only way you will get that is by joining the service. You may get out of more jail time too.

I keep saying I am done crying over you - but I am not. I love you, and I wish I knew where the hell I went wrong, and why you turned out the way you did- why even though I did my best to teach you right from wrong, and how to be a good man - you are still  lost.

You have amazing talent- it seriously blows my mind. Talent oozes out of you. You are good with people, handsome and people are drawn to you. And you are destroying it. Destroying it all with booze, and a "Fuck the establishment" attitude that will NEVER get you anywhere.

I have loved you, defended you, protected you and taught you. Now you are 20 years old and it's time to do for yourself.  You have  two weeks to decide. If you choose not to decide and hope it all blows over- or I will forget- you are sadly mistaken.

I know you will hate me for this, and I know you will pull out your arsenal of venomous, hate filled insults.  It will hurt me- as usual. But the difference this time is I will use the hurt to be strong- instead of letting it rule me. 

No matter what you think- I DO love you- and the cliche phrase "This hurts me more than it hurts you"  has never been more fitting.

I truly hope you make the right choice.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Happy Annibirthdary!

So young, so tan, so thin

(I am combining what really should have been 2 blogs- I am lazy like that)

Yesterday was our official anniversary. 14 years of wedded bliss!  We both spent it working, then hubby went sailing (at my insistence- he hasn't gone in 2 weeks) and I didn't get home until after 8:00 because of a staff meeting.  Hubby got violently ill on the boat because of the ridiculously oppressive heat and came home feeling punky.  I was exhausted on the couch and we went to bed fairly early.  We already celebrated over the weekend by shipping the kiddos off to Grandma.  We didn't have any big plans, mostly because as usual, we are broke. But we had a KID FREE WEEKEND and that in itself is priceless.  We had the house to ourselves, and believe me- we made the most of it!  Sleeping in, of course- what did you think you dirty minded pervert? ( whatever it was- you were probably right!)

 14 years is a BIG DEAL.  To say we have had our ups and downs is an understatement of epic proportions. Our marriage has survived 2 moves across country, job and school changes, financial crisis, school troubles with the oldest boy, legal troubles with the oldest boy, losing a car,  my mom passing away, an unexpected pregnancy, Autism,  infidelity, uncertainty, distrust, the list goes on and on. But it has SURVIVED...and we are stronger, better people who have done whatever it takes to make it so.  I love my husband with all of my heart and soul- and even though our marriage has been shaken to it's foundation- I didn't give up. I got angry- I yelled (a lot) and cried (a lot) and threatened (a lot)- but NEVER once did I give up.  Husband guy- well, he almost lost his way.  My knight in a flannel shirt, the strongest guy I know, my rock- damn near broke under the stresses our marriage put on us- but luckily..he found his way back and now we are unstoppable! (I hope)

Happy Birthday cupcake at 7:00 A.M. Delish!
The smallish boy turns 9 today. The DAY AFTER our anniversary. How is that for timing? He has already begun his birthday celebration by having a cupcake for breakfast ( the thing in our house is you get to eat/do pretty much whatever you want on your birthday- with some limits of course). He already insists he has grown more- and is not so patiently awaiting tonight's festivities- cake, ice cream and presents.  He says he already knows what he is getting- and is already asking for presents for next year! I took the day off work to hang out with him- I stuck my head out the door and almost burst into flame- it has got  to be at least 450 degrees out there...whatever we do MUST have A/C.

Children have  changed how I think, changed how I act (and react) but the smallish boy has had the most profound effects. Diagnosed with Autism at age 3.5- he was always a little different than the other two. It is a constant balancing act to make sure ALL of our kids are getting what they need from us. Having a child with Autism unfortunately puts the others on the back burner more times than I care to admit.

 I can't help but think of birthdays past where singing and candle blowing completely tipped him over.  Or his first "real" party that was not anything I had imagined it being. Not a complete failure- but close. His complete indifference and subsequent meltdowns at  birthday festivities in the past bothered me  more than perhaps it should have. I am a BIG celebrator of the kiddos  special days....I want the decorations to be bright, the cake to be perfect, the presents to be amazing.  So his meltdowns because of the too bright, too loud, too much  hurt my feelings, and then made me feel guilty. I am the Queen of Mama Guilt.

 I am not dwelling on the negative- I am reveling at the positive. He is amazing. He has come so far. He is beautiful, smart and wants so badly to make friends. He has made me more patient and understanding . He awoke the sleeping researcher in me and I found my calling- to work with special needs kids.

 All of my kids have brought out a new, positive aspects in me that I might never have found without them. The smallish boy showed me  strength and perseverance I NEVER thought I had.  All of my  kids have taught me humility, moderation, and balance. They have made me laugh, cry and scream. They have destroyed a lot of brain cells.  But I wouldn't trade any of it- for anything.

Luckily I have my hubby- who is still my rock- who still calms me and has enough brain cells for the both of us.... Someday the kiddos will move out for good honey. Then we can "sleep in" all we want!

I love you Husband Guy- we made it to 14 years - now -To Infinity and Beyond! ( Do you still wish I would have let you say that in your vows?)

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Mischief Managed. Farewell Harry Potter- I will miss you

We studied with Hermione. We doubted with Seamus. We stayed loyal with Ron. We believed with Luna. We gained courage with Neville. We laughed with Fred & George. We became wiser with Dumbledore. We raised a dragon with Hagrid. We felt sorry for Draco. We loved with Snape. And above all, we grew up and fought Voldemort with Harry. We are the Harry Potter generation...

I miss Harry Potter.

Can you miss someone who isn’t real? Definitely. We miss a good book when it finishes, a favorite TV series when it’s over, and a good movie when the credits roll. When the final Harry Potter book came out- my daughter and I were in one of the long lines that were  around the country and around the world to buy the book as soon as it went on sale. Was Snape good or bad? Was Dumbledore still alive? Who was going to die? Was Harry going to die?  Did it matter if a fictional character died? All one had to do was see the faces and listen to the conversations of those in line to see that it DID matter. A LOT!

I began the journey with Harry Potter with my oldest son. His great grandma got him the book when he was 9- and we read it together.  The book was so easy to read,  you immediately loved Harry- the little boy who was  unloved, neglected and abused and  who had been told all his life that he was both a disappointment and an embarrassment, just by being who he was. At age eleven,  he discovered that not only was he a special boy, in some ways he was the most special person in a magical world of wonders where he did belong and where he was desperately wanted and valued. What a wonderful message—that we can be more important and valuable than we have ever dreamed. Add to this great imagination, clever humor, overflowing adventure, layers of mystery, and good triumphing over evil and you’ve got a hell of a story.

We followed Harry through the years, and then my daughter became interested- unfortunately more in the movies than the books. We read the first one together, and then she just was interested in the movies. But she still came to the midnight book sales with us- and saw her first midnight movie premiere last year- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Even then I hadn't grasped that the end of an era was looming.She is now a "Potter Head" and is trying to read all the books. Better late than never!

We have been eagerly awaiting the release of of the new movie. I bought tickets to the midnight premiere and started helping my daughter plan her costume. I searched high and low for a Gryffindor tie for her to wear- no such luck- SOLD OUT everywhere I looked. I got her a Deathly Hallows necklace instead- which she vowed to NEVER take off. (she hasn't yet!)

Wizard Dorks!
We got ready to go- even going out and writing "Hogwarts Express" on the back of my car.  yes- we are total geeks- and loving every minute of it!

As we waited in the crowded theater for the movie to start- we were laughing and loving all of the costumes. From Harry to Fawkes- the fans showed up in all their Potter glory to say goodbye to this boy who we have watched grow into a man. We had our wands, as did so many others and all through the theater you could here people jinxing each other. It was such an amazing spectacle- and that my almost 13 year old daughter was enjoying it with me made it that much more special. Then to top it off- my oldest showed up at the theater.  I remembered taking him to the first movie- dressed up as little Harry...the circle was complete, we began together- and ended together. It was beautiful.

We cheered, and clapped, and hollered at various scenes through the movie and we cried when our favorite characters died.   There was a movement on Twitter that said as soon as the credits began to roll- raise your wand and say "Mischief Managed" ( if you have not read the books- then you don't know what the Marauders Map is and all of this is lost on you anyway) And that is just what we did....and then cried like babies.

Look how they changed
(I have seen it twice already...took hubby to see it on Saturday. I will probably definitely see it again. Maybe in 3D.)

Friday, July 8, 2011

Progress....NOT Perfection

So- I am nearing the end of day 2 with no smoking...I HATE this!! HATEITHATEITHATEIT!  And this is only DAY FUCKING 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am taking Wellbutrin- I really thought it was helping- now I am not so sure. I am going to use the patch- AGAIN. This sucks.

As long as I am at work and super busy- no problem. I don't even think about lighting up. But as soon as I get into my car for the long ride home- that's it. I am fiending like mad for a cig. I turn up the radio- I chew gum- and I try to lose myself in the monotony of my drive.

Then I get home- hug my hubby and the kiddos and get ready to eat dinner. Not thinking about smoking at all. Then it's after dinner- and what do I want? You guessed it- a smoke. *sigh*

But what I really hate most? I want a drink. A glass of wine preferably. But guess what I want then? See a trend here? And now I am giving Thirsty Thursdays for awhile- my most anticipated night of the week. The day I go meet up with my girlfriends and relax. But- we are all as my friend Eric keeps saying- stay away from the booze for awhile- especially if it is a trigger.  Well that sucks!! What vice am I allowed to have then dammit??

I have a lot of amazing and supportive friends. I get text messages throughout the day - You Can Do This! You Are Strong! I Am Proud of You!  and these are wonderful, and helpful, and appreciated. But here's the thing- what if (more like when) I slip- I will feel like I am not only letting myself down- but my friends and family as well. And THAT makes me feel sad- and like.........SMOKING!

Today I got a wonderful message from an equally wonderful friend Nikki- also an ex smoker told me that it is about PROGRESS not PERFECTION. (hence the title of this blog!) It's an addiction- plain and simple. A wicked powerful addiction.

This made me feel better in so many ways. She doesn't  give me reasons to think about smoking- she believes talking about it lends it power and the less attention we give it- the less power it will have. So  writing this blog is probably not helping me at all... shit.
My new mantra

I DO know that I need to quit-  I WANT to quit- but I may slip- maybe more than once. I will feel guilty , and dirty and bad.  But what I won't do is lie. If I am to truly kick this - I have to be honest. I already told my hubby I have a couple stashed around the house (well, actually the garage because I do NOT smoke in my house). 

And there it is- the guilt...*sigh*  Fuck it- I am going to have a glass of wine.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Put down the cigarette and nobody gets hurt!

O.K., its happening … I have chosen  to stop smoking, to become a non-smoker, to free  myself from this dreaded addiction. I warn my family “Be afraid!  I am attempting  to give up smoking.  From past experience I will be either catatonic or hysterical. Please don't take anything I say or do personally"  I even went to the doctor for Wellbutrin- an anti-depressant that is supposed to help me with this- I am SERIOUS. This time. I promise. 

I have smoked since I was 16 years old. I have quit three times- with each of my pregnancies- and quit for YEARS at a time... then something triggered that want/need to have one. An argument, stress, and BOOM I was right back to square one. I know it is the addiction talking. I know that like any other addiction- will power isn't always enough.

I have tried the patch..I would smoke while wearing one. I have tried chewing gum when I wanted a smoke, I have tried sucking on hard candy, I have tried thinking of other things. Nope. No go. Seems to be that only if I get knocked up will I be able to say goodbye to the cancer sticks.  And that AIN'T happening...not a chance. 

Yesterday was my official "quit" day. I went all day without one-(woo-freakin-hoo - one whole day) and was ok with it. Then today- on my 45 minute drive to work- after being upset all morning over finances etc.  I want one bad. In my head it's a barrage of  iwannasmokeiiwannasmokewannasmokeiwannasmokeiwannasmokeiwannasmoke. So,I  lit one up. I felt guilty and bad. But I smoked it anyway. *sigh*
Eff you- I am having a smoke

I got to work and popped a piece of gum in my mouth. Oh- did I tell you I work with 3.5 year old kids? And some very incompetent assistants? If that won't drive you to smoke or drink I don't know what will.  By lunchtime I was in a fog- all I could think of was taking a drive and having just ONE.

Nonononononononono....this is ridiculous- smoking killed my mom, my kids and husband are always yelling at's ridiculously expensive- STOP THIS NOW!  I ate my lunch and occupied myself doing other things- I still went for a drive- I need to escape from my school for a few minutes or I will go insane.

I have a GREAT support system. My husband- of course is wonderful and more than supportive- he truly is my port in a storm. I have some wonderful friends on Facebook that are sending me messages- You CAN do this ( thanks Eric and Nicole)  and all of my friends - they are really helping.... but this shit is so much harder than I thought it would be- especially using meds! C'mon!

I have no doubts that I CAN quit. My fear is that I really don't WANT to quit....yet. I want to want to...does that make sense? Nothing is more relaxing to me on a stressful day than smoking a cig. Nothing goes better with a cocktail than a cig. Nothing goes with a marathon phone call with a good friend, than a cig. AARRRGGHHH!!!!  

So my next step is to make a list of Pros  of smoking... I mean the cons are obvious, right?  So what are my "Pros" of continuing to smoke?

1)Smoking reduces stress

2)Smoking is keeping me from getting fatter

3)Smoking is great after awesome sex

4) I like it

5)Smoking and drinking a beer/glass of wine/ margarita goes together like peas and carrots

Wow- not many . And all of these things are lame excuses - I know. I admit my addiction.  But as I sit here writing this- there is someone smoking on TV..awww hell- I want one sooooo bad.  Where is my gum???
This is so sexy dammit!

Monday, July 4, 2011

It's The 4th of July- Let's blow shit up!!!

I LOVE the 4th of July! And I LOVE fireworks! I love the big bangs, the  pretty colors and all the ooh's and ahh's. From my humble beginnings growing up in the Nevada desert- where we would travel to a tiny, tiny town called Schurz to buy illegal fireworks, to my now 9 year tradition of cheesy little fireworks in our backyard- I love the WHOLE thing.
What more could you ask for?

I love letting the kids run around the yard with sparklers while we sit around the bonfire visiting with whoever showed up this year. Typically I make too much food, and drink too much beer-but it is fun, fairly inexpensive, with no presents to buy anyone.. SCORE! 

Girl Child with fire...danger!
This is one of the few nights a year I allow The Boy to stay up past 8:00 P.M.  I am very lucky- he likes the fireworks. A majority of kids on the autism spectrum can't handle the noise and bright lights. My Boy LOVES it.  The 20 something always liked the fireworks too- now that he is older he has attended a few of the family backyard parties- but I rarely get to see him now. Teenzilla has pyro tendencies like her mom- and just enjoys setting stuff on fire. Last year she was allowed to light her own sparklers for the first would have thought she was getting her license to drive.

But it seems that the anticipation, the excitement of 4th of July  has lost some of it's luster..what with fireworks every damn weekend beginning in June and going through August. I  kinda miss the once a year,  spray down  with bug spray grab a blanket to sit on get in the car and drive to a great viewing spot to ooh and ahh at the pretty sparkles in the sky. That anticipation has gone the way of Saturday morning cartoons. Sure- the kids love the fact that they have no wait time- but the SPECIAL-ness has gone out of it. 

The 4th of July is the pinnacle of summer for me. It's all down hill from here...with the exception of the kids' birthday celebrations and my anniversary  of course. But once this holiday is over- I can see September and back to school. Yet another summer gone- the kids are a year older, and  me just a little more bitter. The summers seem to be getting shorter and time is  passing by too damn fast.

So as you prepare to celebrate America's Independence by consuming copious amounts of alcohol and lighting shit on fire- please remember why you are doing it-  light a sparkler for a soldier- and above all else be safe.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Don't pee in the pool

I love swimming. So do my kids. They are water babies through and through.  I however  don't like  public swimming pools. The thought of  urine, bugs and used bandaids all in the same water that I am sticking my face in makes me kind of nauseous. But my kids love to swim, so I suck it up.

I would be ok wearing one of these..I think I could make it work
I HATE wearing my bathing suit in public- especially around all the hot, skinny moms in their super cute bikinis - not a single fucking stretch mark in sight- not to mention the hot nannies with their flawless tans and Jacki O. sunglasses. It is enough to make me want to revert to the 20's and wear something that covers me from neck to ankles.  I used to not care- I had my little swim "dress" and I would soak up the sun and feel better telling myself tan fat is better than white fat. I used to tan beautifully too- now I get these weird dark spots on my my face when I am out in the sun *sigh* 

Luckily, The Hubby's aunt has a pool so we get to go swimming and hang out without the fear of Noah getting too friendly with a complete stranger or me having to be in a public place in my bathing suit. Plus it's relaxed, and, bonus-we can bring our grown up drinks! 

Take that!
So that is what we did today- after a busy day of shopping with Tweenzilla and dad and Noah driving to Ohio for fireworks- we went for our first family swimming outing. Tweenzilla wasn't going to come- apparently she is working on being the palest girl in the world- but changed her mind at the last minute (which made me happier than I let on- the fact that she will still hang out with us makes me positively giddy). She declared she wasn't going to swim and was just going to read.  That lasted about 10 minutes- and then she was in the pool...clothes and all...yelling at Noah to quit shooting her with the water gun.

This is the way summer is supposed to be. And while I know I have many more years with Noah- the days of my baby girl hanging out with us are dwindling-  I have already seen it happen with my oldest. So to see her laughing, teaching her brother how to do a handstand  in the pool and just having fun is a precious memory I can hang on to...
Don't do it Dad... 

Friday, July 1, 2011

Pay It Forward Baby!

I got one!
Today is Pay it Forward Friday! I love this concept - it gives me a chance to really read a lot more blogs- and it helps others get there stuff out there. There are some pretty amazing writers out there- I am truly humbled. Here is how YOU can Pay it Forward.  When you are lucky enough to get a  Pay It Forward Award., insert this award at the top of a blog post along with the rules, and find FIVE fellow bloggers to give it to!  Thank the person who awarded you, mention them in your post, along with a link to your favorite post on their blog, and a  short blurb about why you liked it. Next, comment on their blog to let them know you "Paid it Forward"  (Thank you Derrick Barnsdale for letting me plagiarize you just a wee bit!)

So- here I go!

1) I am going to start with my hubby over at Dad v. Autism. He came out of nowhere with his "daddy blog" after writing a strictly sports blog. He is a published writer, and has been writing for a LONG time. His blog is insightful, tear jerking, laugh out loud and completely down to earth.  He has surprised me so much- and I think that writing about our son with Autism has given him more insight into our boy and maybe a little more patience. He has gained a HUGE following and is now competing in Blogger Idol...and has survived round 1! Please go check it out and vote for him!! 

2) Next is a blog that I started reading because the name was just awesome...Seven YuckMouths And Autism is written by Racers Mommy... a mom on the front lines of Autism. Racer has ASD and sounds A LOT like my Noah... she echoes so many of my worries, triumphs and fears- and she has made me cry on more than one occasion... she isn't afraid to drop and F-bomb now and then and really gives us a look into life with Autism.

3)This next one is awesome... all about being a MILF from my friend The Scarlet Mom. She writes about how being a mom doesn't mean that you have lost your sexy- it just means it has changed. She is a single mom with a sweet little boy , maneuvering through the dating scene and looking every inch the hot MILF that she is! Her confidence and poise are beautiful,and she has some really amazing advice! Her blog about how to Spice up Date Night was VERY helpful!

4) This next one is another mommy blog called Counting Caballeros. This mom has four kids..UNDER 10!!! Her blogs make me want to just drink a glass of wine with her and send the kids to bed!  One of my favorite posts was Don't Ever Agree to be the Room Mom. EVER. Boy- could I relate to that post! With 4 kids under age 10- the fact that she even stepped up to that was in itself amazing- and her refusal to let the Stepford Moms intimidate her made me want to applaud! She writes about her every day life- a little psychotic, sometimes rambling but always entertaining!

5)And last- is a brand new blog to me- he pimped me out today and I just got a chance to look at his blog- and I was in heaven.... Bacon is Health Food  complete with a  background picture of delicious sizzling bacon ..mmmm...bacon.... Oh- sorry- I was drooling on the keyboard there. Shaun also has a child with Autism, is a runner and talks about Primal Eating.. I get that...I am a carnivore- I can get into this! And I won't hold the fact that he is from Canada against him...especially since he bestowed me with this Pay It Forward Award today! Thanks Shaun!

So there we have it! 5 blogs that I enjoy and truly hope you will too. And don't forget about Blogger for my hubby..LOTS!!